I'd love to tell you when the rollercoaster stops but it's a long, long ride. I'm still on it but it does get better. There will be days you feel hopeless...that for every step forward, you take 2 or maybe even 20 steps back. Don't get discouraged...that is normal...unfortunately.

Have you looked into getting any help with the kids? Even if it's part time, it may give you some breathing room.

Start the ADs, that will be very helpful.

BaT is still very foggy. Ignore him.

Do you guys know you really shouldn't be talking about the A much? Except for the assignments Steve gives you, try not to bring it up. It's doing no good because he is still so freaking foggy. The only thing that is really being accomplished is raising your blood pressure and you don't need that right now.

How about the MBW? Have you talked to Steve about that? What does BaT think about it?

We went and it was awesome. Ours was in San Francisco so we were able to have some "fun" too...please look into it!

WH and I are working out of the house since the move so I am always here with them, but I do have some help with children and housekeeping.

We are interviewing for a full-time position and have been for 2 months...its just hard

I know we shouldn't...its very difficult though because we spend 24 hours a day together and let me just say, s&%t happens We haven't talked about it at all today though...other than he asked why I am being quiet. I'm just tired....

I haven't asked Steve to talk to BaT about MBW, but I will though.

To Everyone: Thanks again for the support!

I know it's hard not to talk about the A right now...I know that very well.

Just encouraging you to recognize that he is FOGGY and no matter what you say right now, you are not going to get through to him.

As Steve said, he doesn't "get it" yet and every time he opens his mouth about the A all you are hearing is FOGTALK which is incredibly frustrating and hurtful.

It really is frustrating!!!

It's like there is no emotion with WH...choosing to stay with his famliy is the "logical" and "rational" choice...Glad to know that I "look good on paper" and that he is such a stand-up guy for putting his family before himself.

He will never admit it to me, mainly because there are too many guns in our home, but I know that he pats himself on the back for choosing to stay with us. Like he is sacrificing himself for the good of our family.

He has even gone so far as to tell me...and its been a couple of months, so I don't want to get this wrong...BUT something like "I don't know how many good years I'll have left". Translation= I don't know how much longer I will have 6 pack abs and all the girls falling at my feet, so I want to go and live it up now, while I still can.

This man is not my husband.

HBH,

I don't have much time at the moment but I just wanted to tell you that I think you are doing quite well. I am so glad to hear about the ADs.

Anyway just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.....I apologize if my rant last night hurt YOU.....

Hang in there....

Not2fun

Ignore stupid comments like that hbh. If he starts spewing garbage, leave the room or tell him to zip it....leaving the room is probably more MB friendly. The point is don't sit there and listen to the nonsense. Many WSs are desparate not to look in the mirror and see their sack of sh&t reflection. You are not his jailer nor has a gun to his head. You have to learn to shake the crap off.

HBH,

""he said he's just frustrated and is having a hard time dealing with everything""

What in the fricken world does this boy have to be frustrated about?? He should be hanging his tatted up head in shame and begging your forgiveness.

Reminds me of a song..."Ain't too proud to beyeeg, sweet dahlin.."

Sounds like his pride along with his immaturity is getting in the way of his empathy...there's that word again.

The only thing he should be frustrated about is with himself and his bonehead actions...and his continued actions and or inactions!! The arrogant over the hill jock blaming it all on something or some-one else.

TAKE RESPONSIBLITY FOR THE DEED, DUDE.

SERIOUSLY.

kirk

It's no secret that WH is driving me crazy with his martyrdom. But I really think I need to re-focus my energy.

We have an appointment with Steve tomorrow and I am going to run this by him:

HbH priorities:

1) Kids
2) HbH
3) Business
4) M and BaT (WH)

Pre-A it was this:

1) M and BaT (WH)
2) Kids
3) Business
4) HbH

I just feel like BaT and M have to take a backseat until BaT figures some of this out on his own.

Just wanted some experienced POV on what BS should be doing with M while WS is still in la-la land (not with PA, but with himself).

P.S. I'm still 100% committed to M and MB, I just feel like i'm spinning my wheels until BaT makes a decision.

THANK YOU AGAIN TO STRANGERS WHO LISTEN

You are still very early in this. Hubby is in the fog, and will be for awhile. But as long as there is no contact, things are very hopeful. WS's change back to how they used to be, almost like magic.

Hang in there and have hope.

I'm not a vet, so can't give you much of an experienced POV, and certainly not from a BS' standpoint. But FWIW:

In my own experience, very early after d-day (within our first 2 joint sessions), our MC asked both Trust_Will_Come & I to honestly self-assess our priorities, pre-A vs. post-A. Bottom line, we both realized that we'd not been putting each other first pre-A -- neither of us -- and we decided that we couldn't say we were giving R our best shot if we didn't do so post-A. So since then, our M has been priority #1 for each of us. Ahead of the kids. Ahead of our jobs. It was a conscious & mutual decision -- not just abstractly, but specifically, in the efforts we made to carve out UA time, and in changes we made to better meet specific ENs that we'd identified. (We judged that if the marriage tanked, the kids would suffer long-term, and our job performance wouldn't be so hot either.)

I'm not sure if that's relevant for your case, and true, you've gotta take care of yourself & the kids; but I'd personally be leery of consciously giving the M a lower priority. As anyone can attest who remembers some of my first my posts from August (over 7 months post d-day), I still sure had some of the fog thing going on; but seeing how my wife had both oars in the water & was "all-in", helped reassure me that my efforts weren't going to be in vain, as long as I kept rowing & kept trying to understand things more clearly & to do better by her.

BTW, I just tore BaT another one for his "Plan A" remark. I am rooting for you guys. I do hope he gets it soon. Hang in there, HbH.

While WH is still in lalaland, you continue to work on yourself. Acknowledge what your shortcomings in the marriage have been and work to eliminate them. There always room for improvement in all of us. Take care of yourself and your kiddos.

Try this one,

1) God
2) Marriage - HbH & BaT (Two are one)
3) Family
4) Business


This is the GOAL you're working toward!

This bothered me too. To this day I sometimes wonder if my wife would have returned to the marriage if OM had two penny's (Or two brain cells) to rub together.


He does, he believes he is wonderful for the sacrifice he is making for you.

My wife was the same way, she was actually PROUD of herself for making the RIGHT decision and sacrificing HER happiness for her marriage. She would almost brag about it to her family.


It took months before I even sow a hint of genuine remorse.

Listen, this worries me.
From this statement, and reading your thread and you WH's thread....

I truly, honestly believe this man WILL cheat on you again if he has the opportunity. The only way to prevent it is with very, extraordinary precautions. I think the only way this man will not cheat, is if he never, ever has the opportunity to again.

The repercussions from an affair will not be enough to prevent it. Having another affair is a gamble he WILL be willing to take!

Have you considered that maybe this IS your husband? And that the man you thought you married is a fantasy?

I really do get a bad feeling from him, and I absolutely hate the pain you are in and don't want you to go through it ever again.





On a business note.

My people still have not heard from your people about the boat and RV. This is a little dis concerning considering we have already had a slab poured for parking the RV next to the Associations building, and rented a slip for the boat at a local marina. Also, some specifications on the RV would be helpful, mainly it's GVWR (Gross Vehicle Weight Rating) so we can estimate it's towing ability.

Please have your people expedite this information to the association ASAP. We are very exited about this generous donation and look forward to finishing up the paperwork.

I diagree with Gack, I don't think he is that different than many other WH's out there (some are just smart enough enough not to VERBALIZE it). My FWH just mostly kept his mouth shut, but I don't know, he could have been THINKING many of these things.

That Plan A comment was the kicker...that just shows that there is nothing in his brain right now except fog. What a dumb*ss. I would have burst out laughing at the stupidity of it, but that is probably a LBer too. Better than kicking his teeth out though.

You are right TST...I've asked WH repeatedly to attend church again...at first, he flat out said "I don't want to go to church" now he just says OK, but never actually will do it. It's just not the life he wants right now...he WANTS to be on our boat, drinking and living the high-life.

and I know I should be putting M next...but it is SO consuming...I feel like all I do is read MB and SAA and LB book and try to focus on BaT...and I know I am not taking care of myself, kids or business like I should. I don't know...its just a struggle for me to put this effort when he is still in LaLaLand...

How DARE YOU!!!!






Kidding



I hope I am wrong about her WH, I just want to put the possability out there, thats all.

Of course I have, everday...I know I come across here as a complete basket-case; but in another life, I was actually quite coherent. But, I am going to give him the chance to straighten this out. I have three LITTLE children. They need their dad. Make no mistake, if there weren't children involved, I wouldn't be on this forum. But there are, and I am



You are a comedian...maybe in this life, maybe in another, but a comedian no less Thanks for the smile!