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Joined: Feb 2009
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Joined: Feb 2009
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I don't know where else to turn, I can't get unbiased advise from anyone I know, and the end of my M may be drawing near if we don't do somthing now...
I am the WH, and had a 4 month A that ended when we were found out 9/15/09. I wish it were simply an issue of co-worker or a stranger, but it wasn't. I had an A with our nanny, she was part of our lives and my W entrusted her with everything, and went out of her way to be kind and generous, even buying her a new car. Her H was also one of my best friends...My W and I decided to put our 7 yr M back together and move past this, and this is proving to be very difficult. I changed my cell #, We moved 200 miles away to a new city. We own a business where we lived and still make monthly trips back to check on things, but have begun building a business in our new location as well. I have not had contact with OW since 9/25, and tried to forget everything about her and move forward. I have always had a spotty memory, and I have tried to be "radically honest" with my W, but I genuinly cannot remember details that well, and my W tells me I am lying to her when I can't remember.
We began MB last year but didn't finish (and should have). We recently decided to get back onboard with MB and finish the program, as both of our behavior patterns have been more detrimental than helpful.
I feel at times that my W hates me...she calls me horrible names, she takes things I have opened up to her about (radical honesty) and uses them to hurt me now. She takes things that I have said to her in the past and repeats them back to me out of context to push my buttons and fight. I don't blame her for being angry...I hurt her badly, I humiliated her, embarrassed her, and put someone else before our M, kids, and business. However, I do not want to hurt my W or fight anymore. I have trouble controlling my outbursts, as does she. There is no violence, but I feel she would hit me anytime, and it's getting worse. I don't get the impression that she truly wants to fix our M, and is only allowing me to stay for our kids. I have tried talking with her many times, and a rational conversation quickly decends into name calling and wanting to throw our M away. There is much, much more going on with us, but I am trying to hit the highlights, and get some positive feedback from someone who's been here and made it through.
I realize that was a long post, so I'll get to my questions...
How do I get her to realize that I want our M?
Should we just give up and be the best parents we can?
What's next? What should I expect from her? BaT, I don't know if you are still reading from your thread, but if you are....I wish you could talk to my FWH because he could be the MB poster guy for how to show a BS that he really wants the marriage. He could tell you how he never wants again to be the source of my pain. He would tell you that he wanted me and our M so badly that no matter what LBs I threw at him in those early months, he was there to love and protect me from new pain. He told me that he would love me and try to make it up to me for the rest of our lives; I told him that it would be harder to love the new me than it had been to love the old me. Still he begged my forgiveness and said he would take whatever crumbs I would give him. When I cried from the depths of my soul and I felt that I could dissolve in a puddle and die, he held me in his arms and apologized yet again. When I went crazy and started smashing Christmas tree ornaments, he gently restrained me and loved me and apologized again for his betrayal. He tells me every day that he loves and adores me and is eternally grateful for his second chance. (I no longer cry and scream. We now try to live the MB principles,but it took me a while to get there.) Plan A did not exist for us because he, like you, immediately ended the affair with absolute NC. He got "it." He knew that he had destroyed my life with his selfish behavior. The only real security I had ever known was within the bounds of my marriage; and with his betrayal, he tore down my marital fort of security. Your BS seems to be a very private person, who chose with her wedding vows to trust only you; please try to understand that, despite her strength in the business world, she is and will be devastated by this for a very long time. If you truly love her as you say you do, you will put what you need way in the back of the bus because she has a lot of healing to do. My wonderful husband would tell you that you have the balm she needs for her wounds; and that balm is patience and understanding. GY
D-Day EA 11/29/08
D-Day PA 12/12/08
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
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"Have you read at all about Plan A and how you are supposed to be treating me?" BaT, you just didn't say anything resembling this to your wife, right? So were you serious about wanting to save your marriage, or was your first post here just a big smokescreen in the thought that you could try to fool your kids into thinking someday that you made a good-faith effort? Or do you think the D judge will go easier on you if you stick around for 6 months? You doinked the nanny, repeatedly, in your wife's home, and less than half a year out, you're critiquing your wife b/c her Plan A isn't up to your belatedly honed-up standards? Buddy, get an appreciation for irony. Or better yet, get over yourself! Grow a set! Get humble-- for a change. Look at yourself in the friggin' mirror, fercryin' out loud! It's not all about you. In marriage, or in life. You've got kids who are gonna get, from you, an idea of what a man is supposed to act like toward those whom he professes to love. And for some reason, you've got a wife who has given you the gift of still thinking enough of you to keep you around. Resolve not to make her regret it.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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I'm gonna give BaT a couple of points. He did come here, we don't know why, maybe just to placate his wife. But he is also doing the MB homework and talking to the Harleys.
He apparently has NC with the OW and is willing to try to save the marriage. He is probably still in withdrawal, and a bit foggy.
But how many of our FWS's here were foggy at first? Some of them are now our best posters and they truly GET it.
So for now, I am very encouraged.
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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621
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This is a case of fog of a type known as cumulogranite - mountainous entitlement with amazing stony outcroppings of ego going all the way to the top. And no indication of ever having had any soft carpet of empathy covering it anywhere either.
IMO this BW is foggy and this WH is, well, something else entirely.
"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan
"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky
WS: They are who they are.
When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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Posts: 27,069 |
Really, Aph?
This WS is at least putting in some effort. Mine never did a thing, zero, nada, zilch.
Yes, he is foggy and may not realize the damage he has done to his family, but we've all seen so many turn-arounds here that I have to have hope.
He isn't posting, which is unfortunate, but hopefully he will realize that despite some of the harsh posts, folks here are pulling for recovery.
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