My husband told me he was moving out 1 month ago when I got home from student teaching and then working afterward. He stated that we had not been happy for a while and he thought we needed time apart. This came as a complete shock to me and I have been lost and confused ever since that day. He complains that I have shut him out and we do have money problems that he was not completely aware of. He moved out before telling me and he told the children before me. These two things I was angry about, but have since realized that they are the least important things at this point.
We talk everyday, he helps take care of the house (laundry, sweeping, and anything and everything that is needed), he comes home on the days off to get the kids on the bus and off if he is not working.
The conversations we have (via text or after the children go to sleep) are meaningful and have substance. The other day I needed to go to church to program music, but couldn't bring myself to go in since there were other people there. He offered to meet me with the kids at church and stay with me while I did what I needed to do. He shows me in many ways that he cares and has concerns for me. He has taken on all the financial obligation except for the food and a couple of household bills (phones). The big problem is that he says there is another woman and he is staying at her place. He keeps giving me positive signs but won't move back home or talk with anyone.
He can't get past his anger at me no matter what I do when it comes to talking about the actual marriage. This is not the person he is down to his core and I know what he is doing is actually trying to punish himself for the affair and punish me for my mistakes. The few people he has told, I feel he told because he was hoping for them to be mad at him. He is not getting the anger from people, only people wanting to care for him and help us fix things. I am at a loss for what to do. Saturday was the worst day that I have had since he left and truly debated whether or not everyone would be better off without me around. I was hoping for anything to happen to me so that my children and him did not have to deal with me any more.
His parents actually came to see me yesterday and talk about what was going on. They are all supportive of reviving our marriage because they know (as well as I do and truly, my husband knows) that this is not the person that he is and he is reacting out of anger. His parents lent me their shoulder for everything that I need from financial to emotional support. I can't tell my parents because of the fights that my mother and I have and that she uses things from the past (either things I've said or done) as ammunition against me and I can't bare for them to ever have a negative opinion of my husband. I am completely devoted to fixing our marriage and working on things, but don't know where to go from here or what to do. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. My husband is a great father and deep down inside a great man, husband, and lover. How do I help to open his eyes? Everything says that not communicating about the actual problem is the answer, but not communicating was one of our main problems, so I don't see how that will help us now. Thanks for listening.

Link to Carrot/Stick thread

A link, just to get you started ... this link does not compare to the value of the book SAA.

Do not share this site with your still wayward husband.

His choice to have an affair is not your fault. The state of the marriage is 50 percent yours but HE MADE THE COICE to break his vows to you. Please read the links Pepperband posted and get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley.

Thank you for your responses and advice. I get frustrated with the couple of friends that I have to talk to that every time I point out something good that happens, they like to point out how their ex tried to do things like that. I also find out that they did nothing to accept any of the kindness from the ex and not try to change anything about themselves. It's hard to always hear a negative when you try to talk about a positive.

His parents actually came down on Sunday to see if the kids and I were all right. He has talked with his dad but asked for him not to talk with his mom. His dad did talk with his mom and they are on the support side of our marriage. I hope they talk with him and get him to see things. I talked to his parents and owned up to all my faults openly and honestly to show my husband that I am willing to own up to my problems and let them know that I am open to working on things and fixing things no matter what has been done. We are both responsible for our marriage problems. While what he has done is worse, we both have made mistakes.

I pray, "Dear Lord, please help my husband find his way back home with our family. Lead his heart in the ways that he was raised, believed, and shared with me and his children. He has taken a bad path. I have made mistakes. Please help us to heal our relationship and our family. Protect our children while they struggle with our problems. It is not their fault. Let them know and feel that. Lord in your mercy, hear my prayers."

Hi PMof2~

You say his parents are on the side of your M but you do not say if they are aware that there is an A going on. It is CRUCIAL that you expose the A to them, as well as to many others.

The point of exposure is to KILL THE AFFAIR. It works most times (it worked for me). You cannot work on your M when the A is ongoing, your H is too foggy.

Please read this link: Why Exposure is Needed


P.S. I am sorry you need to be here too.

Hi prayerfulmom, sorry you are here. Have you exposed your husbands affair to the light of day? Exposure is the greatest weapon against this evil assault against your family and your marriage. Who is the OW? Do you know who she is?

i guess I'm missing something. Do you know who the OW is? Are you monitoring hubby's actions?

And what was the original problem? Were you spending money that he didn't know about?

I don't know who she is and haven't asked a lot of questions because he becomes upset and defensive when I bring any part of it up. His parents do know about the A. He told his dad and asked him not to tell his mom. His dad did tell his mom and they have gone through some of their own problems recently. His mom actually called to check on me tonight. As bad as our relationship has been in the past, his mom and I are actually talking and getting along right now.
I did make him tell our pastor and last night our pastor asked if he should call him. I said that it couldn't hurt. Talk with my husband tonight for 15 minutes until I opened my mouth and said something stupid. I should have said something one way, but it came out the wrong way. Hating myself right now for doing it. I don't want to tell my family because it gives them ammunition against me during later fights. I don't know who to tell because I feel that people will view me as not being nice enough and giving him what he needed instead of being mad at him. I am lost and don't know what to do or who to tell.

I don't know who the OW is. I am watching his cell phone (his only way of communication unless there is one at her house). There are no calls to numbers that I don't know. Don't have access to email, but do know that he has a lot of texts. I was in charge of finances and because of time he took off to get on the fire department, our finances got out of control. I didn't tell him about them getting out of control because I didn't want to upset him. I think the biggest problem in the marriage was that he believed that I shutting him out when in fact I was trying to put ALL his needs first and not ask for attention, sex, etc. when I thought he was tired or stressed. I think the biggest problem was my low self esteem which was caused by my mom constantly putting me down because of my weight and always taking her anger and frustration out for others on me. I learned to deal with conflict by shutting down and not talking. When he found out about our finances and I had several days where I was upset about something and didn't talk much, he decided to leave. He was all ready seeing the OW starting in December.

PM, your best bet is to find out who the OM is and start defending your family from this assault. Affairs thrive on secrecy, as evil always does, so exposure is ruinous. Everyone should know about the affair and who it is with: your children, the church, his parents, the OW's parents.

Exposure is like bringing in a crowd of people into the crack house to watch the crack heads get high. It ruins the fantasy of the high. It is the same with adultery. When others are looking on in horror and disgust, it ruins the fantasy of the affair.

Your husband is lost, PM, he needs you to help him out of his own personal hell.

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.Ephesians 5:11

Well, when you have the time, there is an excellent book here - "The One" or "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders". You never want to put your spouse's needs first and not ask for anything. It is hard to understand - I used to be just like you, thought I was being a good wife. Read the book when you can.

You need to find out who the OW is and no matter what you have done in the past he is using it to rationalize what he is doing now. It is an excuse and nothing else. He is responsible not you.

First thing you need to do is take care of you. That is the one thing I learned from here first and listen to all the advice you get here especially from those who have been here a long time. You don't have to follow it but at least listen to them.

Still hoping and praying.

Taking care of myself is the hardest things. Last Saturday I had hit an all time low and truly considered whether everyone would be better off without me. Fortunately, that was the time that he sent me a text asking if I was home from work. I had actually been sitting in the parking lot of a park deciding what to do, hoping something would come along and I'd be gone, running away, sitting in the cold until I was gone. I was supposed to be going to church and programming music, but there were people there and I couldn't bring myself to going in. My husband offered to come meet me at the church with the kids and go in with me for support. It couldn't have come at a better moment because I truly might have done something. It felt so good for that text to come.

I'm not a big horoscope person, but I read a horoscope for me about last week and it said not to share important information about home things because it might cause isolation at home. It said Sunday would be my lucky day and that is when my in-laws came down to talk and support me. Maybe this is God's way of showing me that things will be all right. Just wish his time was my time!

I don't believe in horoscopes, and don't think the Lord uses them to help people. That being said, your hubby is NOT your friend right now. Please get over that thought ASAP.

Read everything that you can on Plan A, Prayerful. Plan A is not just to show your WH what a wonderful wife he is walking away from, it is for you. It is about being the best you that you can be, start an exercise plan, try a new nail polish, highlight your hair, indulge in a hobby, try new recipes. You sound like you could use a self confidence boost. Come here for that.

Don't hesitate to see your doctor for antidepressants. Talk to your minister, pray and find someone IRL that you can talk to when you get down. Don't be alone. Your kids need you. Things will be alright...with or without your WH.

God's Blessings,

Say

HI prayerfulmom,
Your thread caught my eye as it has my user name in it... Just wanted to drop in and offer prayer over your marriage. From what I have read you have more to work with than a lot have before you..and they restored their marriages.

I think you know Believer is right... horoscopes aren't God's messages...

But.. I think God brought you here for a reason.. there are a LOT of good people here that have been were you are... they can help... listen to them and trust them... they are warriors against this...some may even be angels among us LOL....

Lord... I am in agreement with this prayer... please hear her cry and rescue this marriage In Christ's holy and mighty name..
I pray, "Dear Lord, please help my husband find his way back home with our family. Lead his heart in the ways that he was raised, believed, and shared with me and his children. He has taken a bad path. I have made mistakes. Please help us to heal our relationship and our family. Protect our children while they struggle with our problems. It is not their fault. Let them know and feel that. Lord in your mercy, hear my prayers."

I'll check back in with you to see your progress..

GOoD Luck and Prayers... Frank

.

I have talked with my pastor a couple of times. I take the kids to church, but struggle going to sunday school and other things like that because I don't want to explain where he is. Right now I have a hard time doing anything extra because I am student teaching, working evenings and weekends, and then with my kids when I am not doing those things. You could say I need a confidence boost! Trying hard to see some positives in myself but struggling. I don't really have friends, never have, and now my best friend of over 16 years has caused me great pain by leaving. The A is bad, but the leaving was the worst. I just read the Plan A stuff and am going to keep studying that a lot.

As far as medication, it is hard for me to admit to needing anything and I feel like a failure if I seek something like medicine to get me through. If I have another REALLY bad day like Saturday, maybe I will seek out my doctor's help.

I know that they say not to view him as my friend because of what he did to me, but I struggle seeing how pushing him away when he tries to help me would help bring him back?

I need all the help, thoughts, and prayers I can get. Trying to get through finishing my teaching license and working and kids seems like an insurmountable task!

Thanks for thinking of my family and it is good to hear that I have more to work with than others have and they saved their M.