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What do I do for the next two weeks? Build a tube chassis rock crawler.  Tell your kids the truth, before WW has a chance to lie to them.
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Do I do plan b letter now or after about 2 weeks seperation? Start working on the letter...get everything in order and then after 2 weeks separation give her the letter. And go very dark.
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Do not withhold the truth from your son.
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I won't. I have taught him there is right and there is wrong and no in between....saying is now a joke between us.
AL HELL IS ABOUT TO BREAK LOOSE.
BH Age 45
WW Age 44
M 20 yrs
Son 14 yrs
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I know she will sugar coat it like "just cant make each other happy" ....Should I go that route ? NO! It's very important to your son's development that you handle this correctly (NOT allowing the lies your ww is willing to tell). Again, I'm not even going to try to advise you but please get a clear answer from a vet before having this 3-way conversation. --good advice came while I was constructing this post--FWIW, my ww insisted I was "screwing up" my 13 yo by exposing him to the truth. But time and again you read here that kids are not destroyed by the truth, they are damaged by lies and deception. ~opt
Last edited by optimism; 02/18/10 04:37 PM. Reason: to add red text
Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01) Divorce from WW final 9/16/10. Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10) Mine: S(16), D(11) NatureGirls: S(23), D(21) Another EA Story
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WW will say I am trying to turn son and mother against her. Yes, she will. You are revealing the TRUTH about her BEHAVIOR. You are under no obligation to keep her filthy secrets from your son or anyone else. But, you are obligated to tell the truth. Your son will need the truth so that he can know what to pray for and about....(keep repeating that to your WW).
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I won't. I have taught him there is right and there is wrong and no in between....saying is now a joke between us.
AL HELL IS ABOUT TO BREAK LOOSE. Good man, you've taught your son well. All hell IS about to break loose, but only for your ww. You stand on a firm rock of integrity. Don't forget that. Her head will spin like she's possessed. We can all predict what she will say. "I was going to try to work on the marriage but you just blew it," "You're just being vindictive" "How could you ruin my reputation to my family?" etc. etc. She'll try to make the whole thing your fault. Expect it and don't react. You're doing the right thing no matter what she says. Remember that as we all learned in Kindergarten: "you can choose your actions but you can't choose the consequences" --ww is going to be reminded of that tonight. --and I will be among those praying for you tonight. ~opt
Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01) Divorce from WW final 9/16/10. Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10) Mine: S(16), D(11) NatureGirls: S(23), D(21) Another EA Story
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My parents went through this once I was grown up. Don't hold back the truth with sugar coated garbage. Be honest with your son and tell him the truth.
"Your mother is having an affair and is leaving because she wants to be with this other man."
End of story.
Telling your son the truth isn't a bad thing and it is more damaging to him to not tell him.
To he77 with her anger. She doesn't understand that she is betraying her son as well.
I'm sure he'll let her know.
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We are telling our 14 yr old tonight that WW is leaving. I know she will sugar coat it like "just cant make each other happy" RTQ, you should tell your DD the full and complete truth about your wifes adulterous affair and who it is with. The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dr. Harley on telling the children: Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I knew ML would come through for you - that's the actual info I was talking about; read up prior to your "conversation" tonight -- What do I do for the next two weeks? If you're not clear on this, I think you're going to plan A your butt off for a couple of weeks; show her what a nice home she has to come home to if she eer pulls her head out of her a$$. Then you hit her with the plan B letter and "see you when you think can act like a wife, but not before" You're getting a lot of info here - digest it the best you can and try to take steps one at a time. For now, I think you have the "talk" to get ready for (mentally), and then more exposure as you mentioned (this is important). Then, if she's really out of the house, you can relax a little tonight, and then start reading up on plan B and letters - you have a couple weeks to prepare for this phase of the operation. (Read Scotland's post). You CAN plan A while she's not living with you, it's just a little harder, but it's important to set up a good plan B. Get advice as you go along with that. Remember, plan B is to make sure she doesn't use up all of what's left in the emotional love bank and push you to the point that you forget you were once in love with her - if you let that happen you'll be where I'm at now, plan D. MB principles can work; you have support here so rock on. good luck. optimism
Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01) Divorce from WW final 9/16/10. Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10) Mine: S(16), D(11) NatureGirls: S(23), D(21) Another EA Story
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If you're not clear on this, I think you're going to plan A your butt off for a couple of weeks; show her what a nice home she has to come home to if she eer pulls her head out of her a$$. Then you hit her with the plan B letter and "see you when you think can act like a wife, but not before" bingo! Thanks optimism....
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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A good Plan B letter: ************* Dearest WW, It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write you this letter. I am saddened by what has become of us, our friendship, our marriage. This letter is written to you as a necessity. Allow me to explain. The eight years that we have been together were filled with an endless number of hugs, smiles, tears and laughs. I have loved you every minute of every day that we have spent together. I realize that I have not been a perfect husband to you. I see now that both my attitude and financial irresponsibility drove a wedge into our marriage. I apologize to you. You must know that I never intended to hurt you or push you away from me. The pain that your relationship with OM3 and the relationships that you have had during our marriage has been unimaginable. Continued contact with you has the potential of destroying my love for you and I don't want that to happen. It is because of this that I must insist that we no longer contact each other, until you are no longer involved with OM3 or anyone else. I ask that you respect my decision. In the event of an emergency, or any necessary financial matters, please contact your mom, and she will contact me. Once you have ended your relationship with OM3 completely, please contact me, and I will be willing to discuss restoring our friendship and marriage. I am committed to our marriage. I believe that we can build a marriage that is stronger and more beautiful than we have experienced. Beginning today, I walk forward in life, and I want you to walk with me. I love you with all of my heart. Your loving husband, Ethan here
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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the strategy that Mel is mentioning - wait 2 weeks before Plan B are two reasons:
1.) WW is in a state of euphoric freedom - its all out in the open and she is just waiting for her beau to leave his wife and to be carried off like Cinderella. Once this feeling is past or OM shows his true colours by not leaving his wife or the living together bliss wears off, normal routine will settle in and she will start to realize the family she is missing. Plan B letter will have more impact.
2.) you want to give the best effort Plan A performance just before going dark in Plan B. The sudden change from getting all her needs met and then taking yourself out of loop gives a much larger impact of Plan B.
Sending a Plan B letter now will just allow her to justify why left in the first place.
how's that Mel? miss anything?
Last edited by rwinger; 02/18/10 05:49 PM.
Me:52
W: 52
Married: 32 yrs
2 Sons (29 & 23)
1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
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I would also call OM and tell him to stay the **** away from your wife and that you are NOT getting divorced, but that you told her you didn't want her staying at home and still be fooling around with you at the same time. She just called you to keep her options open. Tell him it is NOT okay that he continues to contact your wife and try to destroy your family. Let him know that if your WW does break up the family it is 100% on him, not that you and your WW were going to get divorced anyway. You are still trying to fight for your family against the evil of his affair.
I would cut your WW off at this point financially and get a separate account for the family money. Also you need to sit down your son and tell him what's been going on.
Last edited by jmwc95; 02/18/10 06:01 PM.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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Sending a Plan B letter now will just allow her to justify why left in the first place.
how's that Mel? miss anything? you got it! Thanks...
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I would also call OM and tell him to stay the **** away from your wife and that you are NOT getting divorced YES!! I would cut your WW off at this point financially and get a separate account for the family money. Also you need to sit down your son and tell him what's been going on. YES!! Do not finance her affair. Don't pay her rent, her utilities, ANYTHING to do with her living outside of the marital home. Don't pay her cellphone, either. Let her get a real taste of how rosy life without you is going to be. And of course tell your son. Try to do all this without DJs or AOs. Just calm, soft, loving assertiveness. Your son is going to be devastated. Your WW may not move out. Have you thought about what you'll do if she says she does not want to move out?
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Well I did it. Help me know I made the right decision. WW wanted to wait until the weekend to tell son, I said no. She suggested a seperation to give us time, I said no. Told him we were getting a divorce and why.
I said if you love him, lie to me, cheat you cannot be married to me and you need to leave.
We told our son. She wanted to leave it at "we cant make each other happy"
I told him everything. She loves him, can't live without him in her life, and doesn't want to be married to me. She was mad as hell. Vindictive, turning him against me, using him to get revenge.....stopmed out and left.
She talked to OM today and he said he didn't know if he would leave his wife or not.
Am I doing the right thing? Do I talk to her at all now? Do I write a plan b letter?
Help me know this will save my marriage.
BH Age 45
WW Age 44
M 20 yrs
Son 14 yrs
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Am I doing the right thing? Do I talk to her at all now? Do I write a plan b letter?
Help me know this will save my marriage. Read the previous 10 posts. Besides exposing to your kids, did you re-expose to your WW's family. Call up OM and tell him your intentions (i.e. you are not wanting to divorce) and expose to his parents and siblings. His BW sounds like a doormat that hasn't used exposure to make things hell on her WH for continuing the affair. Make your WW no longer worth OM's effort. What state do you live in? There are states that have AOA on the books and you can sue him. You seem to be running around half-cocked on emotion. Get a plan.
Last edited by jmwc95; 02/18/10 07:56 PM.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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But we said we are getting a divorce. She has left, we told son we are getting a divorce. Did I screw up, should I have said seperation instead?
BH Age 45
WW Age 44
M 20 yrs
Son 14 yrs
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