How do you plan A when she is not living with me?

How do you plan A after agreeing to a divorce and telling son of divorce?

You absolutely did the right thing, RTQ. This is the best strategy to kill the affair and save your marriage. When there are not 2 men meeting her needs, her affair will crumble much quicker.

When is she leaving?


And have you finished exposing the affair wide and far?

Yes, the affair was exposed 6 months ago, far and wide. But after learning they are still involved I have kicked her out, telling OMW, relatives everybody she is still involved with OM....and told our son.

Also told son and we agreed to get a divorce. Was that a mistake or should it have been a seperation?

You avoid lovebusters and tell her that she needs to end her affair. Plan only means a) avoiding lovebusters and b) conveying the message that you will meet her needs if she ends the affair in the future. It also means opening up a can of WHOOPASS on the affair and causing as much conflict as possible for the affairees.

Did you see our comments about 2 more weeks of Plan A and then Plan B?

You did good. Did you tell him the name of the OM? He has to know who the enemy is.

Also, have you ever had a discussion with the OM face to face? This can be very effective, because most OM are WIMPS who cannot stand any kind of conflict. It might help if you meet with the OM and tell him there is no future with your wife because he will be eternally hated by your son and the in-laws. I would also tell him he will be hauled into court in any divroce action to give testimony about his adultery. Scare the hell out him. Every time you know of contact, you should be calling him up.

Yes I am just afraid I screwed up by saying I wanted a divorce, she agreed, and we even told our son.

Does that ruin the Plan A and B thing?

Do I suggest to her we have a seperation first before filing divorce?

RTQ, you are doing GREAT. I am so sorry for your little boy tonight. It is heartbreaking this is happening to his family. But he will be better equipped to deal with his mothers destructive behavior if he knows the truth.

I am so sorry for you and your boy, RTQ. But I have seen worse than this come back from the dead.

NOPE! Don't even give it a second thought. It makes no difference in the scheme of things. You did not screw up, my friend.

This is classic.

You did just fine R2Q. You are not your wife's jailer. Let reality smack her in the face. WW stomping off is typical. She may be back especially since OM said he may not leave his wife.

I would try one more time to light a fire under BW and let her know WW has declared she is moving out and even embellish a little bit. Let her know that if she wants to salvage her marriage she better wake up NOW because your WW is going to go all out to get WH to dump her.

RTQ, even if you actually file for divorce, it's a long process and can be stopped at any time. Don't worry too much about giving your son wrong information. You have sent him a strong message about morals. His mother can not live in the house and be a fake wife and mother while she's got a boyfriend on the side.

Unimportant at this stage.

Call OM's wife, ASAP!!!!

All I would change is to tell your son that you didn't "agree" to get a divorce, you just told her she needed to stop her affair w/ OM or you would file, and she didn't stop, so now you are moving forward with it. You wanted and still do want to keep the family together, but not if your WW continues to see OM.

"son, just so you understand, I love your mother and want more than anything for us to be family. I don't want a divorce and will give her a chance to end her affair and come back to the family. If she doesn't do that, then I will have no choice but to get a divorce."

It will be enough for him to know that you will not divorce her if she ends her affair. But will be forced to do so if she doesn't. <-----that is the message he needs to hear.

A message of a willingness to forgive but an unwillingness to tolerate her flagrant abuse. That is how a MAN handles his problems.

R2q, I just wanted to quickly reinforce that you did AWESOME!!
I know you're probably scared as hell. And I know you wonder if you did the right thing. Even with all of us encouraging you, it's hard to hear your wife, the one you've loved for so long, say "That's it! I'm out of here! I'm calling my lawyer tomorrow!!" "blah, blah, blah, and so on and so forth..." [Did her head spin around like in the exorcist???]

Deep breath pal. They ALL say this.
It's an idol threat and here's why (Someone had to beat this into me):
She is basking in the pampering of two men right now. Of course she doesn't want to let one of them go by getting a divorce. She's trying to scare you into changing your mind. She's trying to get you to cave on your own morals. It's simply the first thing that comes to their confused little entitled wayward mind.

Relax. You have taken a stand against infidelity. You have taught your son that adults have to live with their choices. And by not doing what you did (exposing and inviting her to leave the premises), you would be CONDONING it! Would that be a lesson you want to teach your kid? Would you want him to think it would be okay for him to smoke pot everyday as long as he simply didn't bring it up in conversation? No, you've taught him that the TRUTH eventually catches up to everyone, even Mom, and it will catch up to him eventually too when he screws up (which he will), but that you'll be there to support him lovingly back onto the right track.

Stay the course. Try to rest. know we are praying for you. Know you'll ALWAYS be able to say you've fought for your marriage.

~opt

ps you should probably prepare for some more outlandish crap from your ww. You've begun to shatter the illusion of the affair, and she's not going to be happy about it. just take it in stride, it's normal. it's called fog-babble. believe ONLY her actions and disregard about 90% of what she says, maybe more.

my disclaimer: as usual, since I'm no expert, VETS please correct anything above that might be out of kilter, I realize the tenuous place that r2 is in.

And at the end of it, R2Q, you should remember:

Do you want this kind of marriage?

Do you want this kind of wife?

You want a wife who is faithful and a happy fulfilling marriage. So it's either take a stand and force the issue and if that doesn't work...well you don't want half a marriage, right?

Thank you.

Exactly. I told her I deserve a faithful loving wife who wants me.

Thank you so much for this posts. It is a huge help. I was afraid I messed up by forcing the divorce decision instead of separation.

She was actually backstepping, suggesting separation or wait a few days but I forced the issue.

I counseled with Hartleys tonight and will draft a plan b letter and avoid all contact until she makes an honest move back.

WOW!! I feel so much better. That is almost word for word what I told him AFTER she left and AFTER we had told him we were divorcing.

I told him no promises but I wanted to stay married and would do all I can to stay together as long as she ends the affair.

He completely understood.

We talked today. She is a godly woman who is praying desperately for her husband to return to her.

OM told his wife that me and WW were divorcing. OMW said "what does that mean for us" and OM said "I don;t know".