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OM told his wife that me and WW were divorcing. OMW said "what does that mean for us" and OM said "I don;t know". All the more reason you should have a heart to heart w/ OM. He may feel obligated to leave his M now. But, if YOU tell him that you would still be willing to forgive WW and recover your M, if they agreed to end all contact....he may be relieved. And encourge her to go back to you...since he very likely doesn't want to end his M for her.
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I counseled with Hartleys tonight and will draft a plan b letter and avoid all contact until she makes an honest move back. RTQ, here is my favorite Plan B letter: Dearest WW,
It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write you this letter. I am saddened by what has become of us, our friendship, our marriage. This letter is written to you as a necessity. Allow me to explain.
The eight years that we have been together were filled with an endless number of hugs, smiles, tears and laughs. I have loved you every minute of every day that we have spent together.
I realize that I have not been a perfect husband to you. I see now that both my attitude and financial irresponsibility drove a wedge into our marriage. I apologize to you. You must know that I never intended to hurt you or push you away from me.
The pain that your relationship with OM3 and the relationships that you have had during our marriage has been unimaginable. Continued contact with you has the potential of destroying my love for you and I don't want that to happen.
It is because of this that I must insist that we no longer contact each other, until you are no longer involved with OM3 or anyone else. I ask that you respect my decision. In the event of an emergency, or any necessary financial matters, please contact your mom, and she will contact me. Once you have ended your relationship with OM3 completely, please contact me, and I will be willing to discuss restoring our friendship and marriage.
I am committed to our marriage. I believe that we can build a marriage that is stronger and more beautiful than we have experienced. Beginning today, I walk forward in life, and I want you to walk with me. I love you with all of my heart.
Your loving husband,
Ethan I would write your letter and post it here so we can give you feedback. You would also need to find an intermediary who will pass on any pertinent information and screen out any of her bullcrap. It is best to set up finances, visitation beforehand so there should be little reason for contact. Get your bank accounts separated and get her names of any credit cards or lines of credit. Act as if you are divorced and proceed accordingly, including planning on changing your locks the day you DROP OFF the Plan B letter. You don�t even want her barging into the house unannounced.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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RTQ, do you have the book Surviving an Affair? I would get that. one of the reasons is because it demonstrates very aptly what happens when affairees separate from their spouses and get together with each other. It destroys the affair very quickly because once it is out in the light of day and there is no more sneaking around, the fantasy quickly erodes.
Her affair is doomed. And what you did today has greatly contributed to that death. Reality is now pouring on the affair. The OM will be forced now to do something he has never wanted to do: leave his wife. And when he doesn't leave his wife, it will cause huge conflict and resentment in the affair. Your wife will feel that she has "sacrificed" everything for him. And when he does not make a similar sacrifice, then the punishment and the demands will start. Thats if he doesn't leave his wife.
If he does leave her, then the affair will crumble even faster because the very things that made the affair possible, deceit, thoughtlessness and selfishness will destroy the affair without the protection of the fantasy. The fantasy will no longer be there to offer up protection.
There are no guarantees, RTQ, but your situation is more hopeful today than it has been in a very long time.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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WOW!! I feel so much better. That is almost word for word what I told him AFTER she left and AFTER we had told him we were divorcing.
I told him no promises but I wanted to stay married and would do all I can to stay together as long as she ends the affair.
He completely understood. THANK YOU FOR TELLING HIM THIS! Kids understand justice, RTQ. They mourn injustice. And watching his own father take abuse without defending himself is heartbreaking. You are a good dad. He knows he can count on you. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My concern now is that OM will leave his wife. That WW love for OM is real and they will be together.
Especially with no contact from me, it seems that will make it easier for WW to leave for good.
BH Age 45
WW Age 44
M 20 yrs
Son 14 yrs
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My concern now is that OM will leave his wife. That WW love for OM is real and they will be together.
Especially with no contact from me, it seems that will make it easier for WW to leave for good. That will be perfect! The affair will die faster. Although it will be painful, it will kill the affair faster. And yes, your wife's feelings for the OM are "real." Feelings in affairs are always real, but they are not sustainable in the light of the day. If the OM does leave, it won't be for long, i predict, becaus he doesn't want to leave his wife. I bet your wife will pressure him to do it, though, wchch will cause more conflict in the affair. The affair has a 95% chance of crumbling and your marriage has a 65% chance of reconcilation. I am putting my money on you!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do you have Surviving an Affair? There is a case study in there about a couple in the same situation as you. Moving in together killed the affair quicker than anything.
Please just focus on your Plan A and with sticking with your resolve to stand firm and go to Plan B.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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OM will NOT be able to meet all of her needs. YOU were meeting many of them. HE will fail. Write the plan B letter giving her a choice STILL. Then go dark.
You can't control them. You've established your boundaries and given her a choice. This A will crumble and you're helping it along. Good job.
BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
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I will post the plan b letter today and for review before I give it to her.
BH Age 45
WW Age 44
M 20 yrs
Son 14 yrs
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OK RTQ,,, take a deep breath! You've got several BIGGG steps completed! Exposed & told your child! Good job! Now START reading!! Read this site from page ONE to the end. Start on the HOME page & take the "are you new here?" tour! Home Page Check your local library for Dr Harley's books or order from the MB Book store! RTQ, you're going to learn about affairs, about relationships, and marriages,,what makes them successful,,why they sometimes fail. You'll learn how YOU can become a PERSONAL success even if your marriage doesn't make it. The more you know, the better plan you develop,,, the more YOU are in control and the less you feel victimized. Read, RTQ,,,READ!!
Dday- Feb 1998
Recovered!!
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I have been using this site for months. Ive read almost every article by Dr. Harley and His Needs Her Needs. I just hope there hasn't been to much hurt and pain to recover from.....assuming OM doesn't leave his BW and assuming WW wants to try again.
BH Age 45
WW Age 44
M 20 yrs
Son 14 yrs
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assuming OM doesn't leave his BW and assuming WW wants to try again. We have had many marriages that recovered when the affairees actually left their spouses and moved in together. It makes the affair die FASTER.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Actually, because OM "doesn't know" what he's going to do, I'm thinking your wife will begin LBing all over the place at him. I think it's great that he's sitting on the fence right now.
He can sit on there till the dern thing pokes outta his mouth for all I care...As it is, his indecision is going to begin eating away at your wayward.
Do you know if OMW is going to stay with him? Does she want her marriage? If she does, double bonus!
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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I have been using this site for months. Ive read almost every article by Dr. Harley and His Needs Her Needs. I just hope there hasn't been to much hurt and pain to recover from.....assuming OM doesn't leave his BW and assuming WW wants to try again. Good, you've become familiar with the material. And you've begun a dailogue with Steve. Nothing is like the real thing though, and so here you are, and you're doing great. Just try to throttle back on the "assuming" this and assuming that. You can only control yourself and your actions. I like the above poster:RTQ, you're going to learn about affairs, about relationships, and marriages,,what makes them successful,,why they sometimes fail. You'll learn how YOU can become a PERSONAL success even if your marriage doesn't make it. The more you know, the better plan you develop,,, the more YOU are in control and the less you feel victimized. This describes me to a tee. MB has taught me so much about myself and the potential of a true real love marriage. Even though my current M is failing, I and my children (and with any luck my ww) will ultimately be in a better place than we would hvae beenwithout everything we've gone through together in the last year or so. Keep reading and posting - you have good advice here and lots of support. opt
Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01) Divorce from WW final 9/16/10. Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10) Mine: S(16), D(11) NatureGirls: S(23), D(21) Another EA Story
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I have been using this site for months. Ive read almost every article by Dr. Harley and His Needs Her Needs. I just hope there hasn't been to much hurt and pain to recover from.....assuming OM doesn't leave his BW and assuming WW wants to try again. Well, from where I'm sitting, it looks for all the world like OM is starting to defog and is backpedalling. Or there would have been no hesitation when your WW told him you two were going to D. He would have been house-hunting for the two of them. Even better that OMW is praying for their M - she's doing a great Plan A herself! This is very, very good, R2Q! :::rubbing hands together gleefully::: Now just try to maintain and be good to yourself. If POSOM is beginning to face the cold light of day, WW will start defogging as well. Be the H she would want. You're doing great!
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Another thing, when the A was brought to light in Sept. OM cut all ties with WW. He did not try to contact her at all. WW contacted him in Dec. and they have been talking on phone since.
OM only answer is "I don't now what I am going to do"
BH Age 45
WW Age 44
M 20 yrs
Son 14 yrs
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Yes OMW wants marriage to work. OMW has told OM its up to you. I am praying for you to return to our marriage and to God.
She is working Plan A and doesn't know it!
BH Age 45
WW Age 44
M 20 yrs
Son 14 yrs
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Another thing, when the A was brought to light in Sept. OM cut all ties with WW. He did not try to contact her at all. WW contacted him in Dec. and they have been talking on phone since.
OM only answer is "I don't now what I am going to do" Let me translate: "I don't know what I am going to do" = "I don't want to change what I'm doing! I want to have my cake and eat it, too! I don't want to have to make a decision! I don't want to have to take responsibility for my actions!"  I've got to believe that your WW's little fantasy world is going to start tilting on its axis. And I also believe that OM is going to run right back to his BW with his tail between his legs.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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R2Q,
You need to get in touch with this POSOM immediatly and make it VERY clear to him the lengths you will go to get him out of your life and restore your marriage.
He needs to believe that you are about to be his worst lifetime nightmare. You have to make it clear to him that the loss of your wife and family will come at a much higher price to him than he ever wants to pay.
Do this today.
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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Yes OMW wants marriage to work. OMW has told OM its up to you. I am praying for you to return to our marriage and to God.
She is working Plan A and doesn't know it! No...she is actually working plan doormat... That's a real shame...
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