Hello all, I hope I have found this site sooner; now my situation maybe going down too much but your advice is greatly sought. Me: 40, W: 38, S: 8, D:5.

Some background:
7/09 found out my wife has an OM, had PA; but she said it wasn�t him for her to leave. She has been unhappy in the marriage since 2007 (I can see that I have neglected her).
10/09 wife moved out to a townhouse.
1/10 wife lied to me to work out of town for 3 days, in fact to see the OM. I believe she has committed adultery. I knew she lied before she go, but I didn�t expose that (not knowing what to do that time); after she came back I can�t help to confront her and she admitted.

All these days, she felt no regret for what she is doing. She said she just want out of the marriage and be single again. She also said she is dating different guys, not just one. She is begging me to let her go to find herself. Of course, she also said she doesn�t love me and was na�ve to marry to me when she was too young. Now her reason to separate is �we are not compatible� at all.

Because she won�t give up A or her continuous dating; I said to her I want a divorce. She didn�t care and has the agreement prepared by her attorney. I asked if she want to have more time to think about the separation, she said it is best for both of us to make legal separation, so that I can also start dating. She said we can still be friend, as such non-hostile attitude will benefit the kids we have joint custody post D.

At time I blame myself for this incident. I still love her and in fact, last couple of days I still told her I love her. And when she has enough fun outside and wanting back, I�ll wait for her. She reply, only if you are still available. I tried to leave the door open but now the divorce paper is at hand. I think I can just postpone signing it as she doesn�t really care. She is having her own place and can do whatever she wants. It is now more depend on myself � whether I want to D.

Then I found MB site and some other sites pro-marriage repair. I cannot make up my mind to postpone D and do the Plan A & B things or to just file for D and move on. I heard about boundaries which I think getting a D will set it; needless to say also protect me and my kids. I�m more tend to D. My question is can Plan A & B be carried on after D? I was hoping my wife will come back even after D.

Whale

Whale: Move your post over to the "Surviving an Affair" forum. You will get a lot more help there.

I read somewhere on this site that Dr. H encourages folks to try to recover marriages even up to 2 years after a D, IF they really believe in their M. (I'm not saying it correctly, but the point is that he's not big on "giving up."

HOWEVER, Whale, you need to ask the moderators to move your post ASAP to the Surviving the Affair board. Your situation is, to me, complicated with a wayward wife who is either having an affair or dating or both. Her sentiments of "wanting to be single again" "want to be friends" and "finding herself" are all extremely typical wayward babble.

Whether you can save your marriage remains to be seen. The folks on the Affair board can help you sort it out and give you the next steps to take.

But how you handle the situation will be extremely instrumental in how your children grow up and develop attitudes and beliefs about marriage and interpersonal relationships. It is vital to them that you dig deep into yourself and be strong. They are watching and I encourage you that if you don't fight for your marriage, at least stand up for yourself and fight for them - [b]you didn't do anything wrong[/b]; cheating was (and is) a conscious choice she made in betrayal of her entire family. And guess who else doesn't deserve the selfish treatment she's dolling out: an eight year old and his little sister.

~optimism