God keeps smacking me in the face the last 24 hours when I start to get a little desperate and defeated.
I have been taking inventory in myself, but really struggle at finding the good in me. Found lots of things that I need and want to change I don't have plans to do anything to myself, sometimes wish something would happen but I won't do anything to myself.
To me it would be more embarrassing for people at church to find out and I would be even more inclined to stay away than to go. I went this morning and took the kids, but it is hard when the sermon seems to be directly written for me and my family. It has been that way the last two weeks, but maybe that is because God is leading the Pastor in that way. Last night I desperately wanted to call my WH and tell him what a wreck I was and that the kids and I needed him home, when a phone call, for my husband who had put our telephone number down for a contact and not his cell, came in as I was picking up the phone. It made me stop what I was doing and rethink. My daughter wrote in her journal during church this morning:
My dad moved away. I have to live with my mom, hamstery ( her hamster), buddy (my son's hamster), me and brother. I want my dad to come back. I miss daddy so much!
*fixed her spelling errors, she's only 7*
Then after church my son went straight to his room and started crying saying that his sister hated him because of the things she was doing to him. I had a pretty direct talk with them about us needing to be there for each other and support each other right now. I told them that they need to tell their dad exactly what they want and think about the things that are going on because he needs to hear that they want him home and they can tell them that mommy wants him home too!!! Maybe playing the guilt card, but I think he needs to experience some of what I go through every day and know what his children are thinking!!
I am trying to be strong, polite, as cheerful as possible, and not needy or clingy to him, but it is damn near impossible. I will look into the A stuff and continue to try and find out who OW is to start destroying things.
I am glad to be able to vent here because Sunday's and Saturday afternoons are the worst time. I haven't talked with my mom in two days because she upset me and our relationship was a huge part of my problem. Hopefully, if I get connected to a counselor (and maybe on meds if it is absolutely necessary) we can work on my relationship with her as well as me and my marriage. Thanks for listening and I hope God keeps smacking me in the face when I go to do something stupid. I also hope he works in my WH's heart and leads him back home to his family. My faith wavers, but I keep reading the little Prayer Book that I found at church last night.
I don't always feel like I am going to make it through this!! I have hope, try to have faith, but am an emotional wreck.