mymissy, I have been following your thread...only can say you are in my prayers and to take one day at a time.

I understand that lost feeling and there were days I did not think I would make it. post here, call friends, look for support, pray, take care of yourself.

Most important don't feel like a victim even though you feel like one. Don't show that side to him.

Blessings.

Hi mymissy
How r u doing today ?

I am just holding up...just....
We are just co-existing in the same house, I refuse to speak or look at him. We continues to lie and cheat. The OW H and I speak often continuing to attempt to stop the A.
For me I don't know if there is any hope of saving...a lot of hurt has happened.
I have started packing things like my china cabinet, he has said that he is going to buy me out of the house and that is OK by me (he built it with his first wife, I have never liked).
I am currently at my mothers for the weekend to get some space and breathing room, then he is out of town for the next 5 days. I guess I will start apartment hunting and wait for the papers to be served before going back to my lawyers.
It is sad, awful, ugly, and horrible I never thought anything like this could happen.
The person I fell in love with is gone and I don't know who this stranger is.
OW H and OW family is trying to scare her into reality and force her to stop playing both sides. I have no idea if that will work and even if it does - will the person I once knew return?
I am hoping for a last minute miracle to attempt to save this marriage before it is too late and there is nothing to save.
I am out of ideas at this point and am using Hope3343's quote that when there is nothing left to do...pray.
So I am praying for God to intervene....

(((mymissy)))

You have been so strong and brave thru this ordeal I have been impressed by your calmness. I hope that other BS's who are feeling similar pain can find the calmness and the strenght you have shown for their own journey.
Sending you hugs and hope your way and hope your days ahead get better.


You cant make your H be anyone other than who he wants to be. You are just going to have to focus on making sure that you protect yourself from the hurt that he continues to cuase. If and when he retuns to be the person you knew and want to spend your life you can cross that bridge when you get there. For now Plan A yourself and take care of your needs and be there to fill your own happiness cup.
The more you take care of yourself the easier you will be able to deal with what ever comes ahead on this journey.

Sometimes I am not sure where the strength is coming from...but it is there.
The tears fall freely now, crying for what we had and what could have been.
He has chosen her over me and I h

and I have exposed to who I can. OW H and OW family continue to try and scare her straight. I am pretty sure a chink was thrown into the mix tonight with all the text messaging trying to confuse. I have started to expose him to his most vulnerable family members. But I must remember that blood is always thicker than water.
All I get out of this for now is a little satisfaction.
My heart is broken and all I want to do now is throw in the towel. However, before throwing it in completely I have decided that I will go down swinging. And take down with me all that he is and has. I cannot wait to see it all fall apart.
For now, I try to not let on how much he has hurt me...very hard!

Its Ok to cry. Infact its healing. Being brave does not mean no tears it means you proceed inspite of them.


Good for you.
The thing I hear about exposure is that a trickle down is not as effective as nuclear. So there should not be a start and a slow exposure. If you are going that route to help break up the A then make it quick and enlrage the circle of exposure and seek the help of those who you expose to.
Now if you are exposing to help inflict pain for the pain who have received thats a whole other stratergy.

There is no harm in him seeing how much pain he has caused. IMHO why should he be sheilded from what damage he has caused. If he has any concious at all he will FEEL the pain he sees in you. Let him see the heart he has crushed and let him be in awe of your strenght as you heal and patch your own heart back together inspite of the pain.

[quote] I have started to expose him to his most vulnerable family members. But I must remember that blood is always thicker than water.
All I get out of this for now is a little {quote]

MM

When I exposed to close family members I asked for help in saving my M. Talked to MIL just recently and she said they-My two BIL's didn't have any advice for me and they did not know what to say to there sister.

I basically coached MIL and asked her to tell them to say what they wanted as long as they were fighting for my M>

BIL's and people who do not live in the situation can express what they feel in ways we as BS"s can not because it may be DJ's or AO's.

There is power in the fact that they can express whatever-however they want.Blood or not if they express there feelings (because both BIL's have been M over 20 years and have strong feelings about M) to sister it could have a profound affect that I could never achieve. If anything it puts pressure on the A that this person probably will not be welcome in the family.

Pressure on the A is exactly what will help to bust it up. That could be a big turning point.

YOUR doing great and I pray for you each night.

NESRE

Thank you for all your support.
Here is the email I just received from WS.

I have a couple of questions for you. Why is it so hard to accept the fact that OW and I might actually love each other? People fall in love all the time. I have told you repeatedly what and who I want. OW has told OW H as well. Yet because its not what you want to hear its automatically wrong and our feelings can't be real. Why?
What is it you to are trying to hold on too or is it the fear of change? Do you really feel it would be better to stay with someone who is in love with someone else than accept change?
I know we handled this whole thing badly and we have hurt both you and OW H. But explain to me what you to are doing with all the stories? Do you feel that by causing stress and pain to the rest of our families will change the way OW and I feel about each other? Or is it simply revenge? Every time you guys have tried to destroy our relationship with half truths and lies she and I have grown stronger. You told me about all the people who lost respect for me. You might want to open your eyes. At first this was true but with what you and OW H have been doing has changed that perception. My family, most of the guys at work and even some of your own friends find your actions pathetic at best!
Last night you two decided to take your frustration out on OW by telling me how she is playing both sides. My love for her doesn't allow me to believe that. Let's just suppose for a moment it was true. Who will get hurt? I will!!!!! I would think you guys would be over joyed at the thought of that so why warn me. Just makes me realize its another one of your stories and half truths.
You call me a coward for not wanting to talk to you and OW H. I have offered to talk to OW H if he wants to. Why would I want to talk to you. I have told you what I want and how I feel. That makes me a coward because I don't want to stand there and be belittled and insulted? Hell I put up with that for 12 years. Why would I go back for more? I wish you and OW H all the happiness in the world for your future but please stop.
Why do you insist on making me hate you? In the end hating you makes everything I am doing a whole lot easier so I guess I owe you two a big Thank you!
You keep asking me when they are going to serve you papers. Again I am telling you THEY won't. I asked them not too! I will do that myself. Does that make me a coward too? Anyway the rough draft will be emailed to me an Monday. After I review it I will send it to you probably on Wednesday so you can take it to your attorney for review.
By the way to save you some time I had already told my aunt about us and Mom told Grandma and Grandpa last night. Anyone else I can notify for you just let me know.
You told me you were not coming home until Sunday night. Well unless you are in a big freakin hurry just wait until Monday morning. I will be gone by then and you can have the house to yourself! I gave you your space when you asked so give me mine! Feel free to share this with OW H as you seem to share everything else.

Here was my response:
Wow, First of all, it is wrong to step out of your marriage, that is why it is so hard to accept. Second, what do you mean I belittled you and insulted you for 12 years? What are you talking about? I was your biggest supporter and most of the time went out of my way to make sure that you always had my full support in anything you endeavored.
As for half truths and stories, I have not told any lies. In fact I kept most of this to myself, until yesterday.
As for causing pain and stress to our families, it is my belief that they have the right to know what is going on and how much disrespect you have demonstrated to everyone, especially me.
You love her, fine. Were divorcing, fine. But as for you being clear about that - you have not been clear at all until this past week and last weekend. In fact, most of this has been done in deception and behind my back. As for OW being clear to OW H, well that is not what he has said. Who does one believe?
How would you know what my friends think and I have never said anything to anyone at your work except **** and a little bit to ***** in an email for the first time yesterday. So I have no idea what you are talking about in regards to the "people at work".
If you want to hate me, fine. I guess if that makes this all easier for you. Whatever. Then I guess you are justified in your all of your actions.
But know this....I am sorry I made your life hell for all of these years and loved you with all my heart. How was I to know that was so wrong, I am not even sure what I did wrong? As far as I can tell - nothing, just simply lived a life that was busy as I helped raise your children.
My bad...
And emailing me divorce papers when you are out of town is not handing them to me personally.

It just keeps getting uglier.......

MM

Remember the strength in this board

You have one of the all time best people following your thread-PEPPerband.

Have you ever seen one of Peps posts when she takes a WAYTURDS letter or e-mail apart to disclose the whole meaning.

Some of them are amazing. Before responding to H it may be wise to post it on here first so some Reverse Babble or REAL TRUTH can be spun into it with a reply to the WW.

Just a thought.

Nesre

Thanks - I will see what she says.

MM,

Please don't engage in these email exchanges with WH. If you want to really make him mad just ignore him. You cannot reason with him so why bother? You might as well be banging your head on a brick wall!! Just continue with exposure and stop communicating with him at all. Do some things for yourself. Exercise. Eat well. Get a massage. Take care of yourself. But, STOP trying to reson with a fogged out wayturd!!! Completely pointless and it will just frustrate you even more!

Mindshare

Missy -- just take a deep breath about the divorce.

My WH was so anxious to get me the papers. Instead of having me served by a stranger, he gave the papers to his dad. His dad, my BIGGEST supporter, thought it best to wait a day or two before giving me the papers.

WH threw a fit -- in a rage he tracked down his dad and had him sign the papers that I had been served, even though I hadn't been.

Now... here's the intersting part. That was ONE YEAR ago. Yep, we have attorney's and have been to court a few times. But, WH drags his feet on everything. He stalls at providing financial backup. He balks about paying temporary support. He hides from the kids and his family.

He's a bully -- the email your WH wrote could have easily been by my WH.

You, Missy, need to be prepared for the battle. Get all the credit card statements. Find receipts. Stock pile some cash. Access funds from line of credit for attorney fees.

It will take a long time from filing to divorce. Protect yourself now for the future.

And he will get meaner and meaner as this goes on. The influence of the OW will transform him.

And his family? Don't write them off because they are blood related. My ILs, BILs, SILs, etc. all support ME. As they said, it's not a matter of who's right or wrong -- but what is right and wrong. He is in the wrong.

You will need supporters to help you through this ugly process. Divorce is ugly.

Missy, your WH's email is standard WS script-just a load of crap.

Your exposure is working, and he and OW are feeling the heat.

He is telling you that people are finding you to be "pathetic" in order to get you to stop exposing.

The light of day is shining on their sordid little pig-rutting.

Don't wait for him to file papers.

YOU file them first, on the grounds of adultery, and name the OW.

That will put her in the public record as being a home-wrecking skank, for all to see in years to come.

And his family? Don't write them off because they are blood related. My ILs, BILs, SILs, etc. all support ME. As they said, it's not a matter of who's right or wrong --

but what is right and wrong. He is in the wrong.


Her- WW's Family is now my biggest supporter!!!



I am being told almost the same thing. I have an appointment with a lawyer this week to start the legal process.

DITTO


Nesre

Let him do the dirty work. And when he files, ask for him to pay your legal fees to DEFEND yourself against him suing you for divorce.

I had to live with myself after 24 years of marriage. I did not want to be the one who filed. I wanted WH to be the bad guy in EVERYONE's eyes.

But that's your call.

I was in the same situation, except it was 26 years of marriage when HE filed. He was forced to do all the dirty work and he did have to pay all of my legal fees.

I told him that I would in no way help him dismantle our family, and I didn't. I agree. If you do not want a divorce, make HIM do it and make sure everyone knows that fact.

P.S. Please block his email and shut off your phone. You need Plan B *right now* to shield yourself from any more of his coldblooded cruelty and outright stupidity and selfishness.

Take control of this by going to an immediate Plan B.

P.P.S. NO SERVING THE PAPERS HIMSELF. THAT IS SICKENINGLY CRUEL. DON'T GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION. MAKE HIM USE A PROCESS SERVER.

XWH actually gave the papers to our 20-year-old Son to hand to me. I sent the papers back to the lawyer and insisted on a process server.

Again - Plan B NOW. If he wants his divorce so badly, make him do 100% of it through his attorney. Take control of this and do not allow him to rub his filthy OW and his filthy divorce in your face for one second longer. They are both getting off on your pain and that has to stop NOW.