I Understand him because I was like him once. The guilt and confusion became so painful after my wifes death I had to search out why. So I found this site by searching google about the effects on a spouse when they were married to an alcoholic.
All of us are here because we need support. None of us come here because we knew it all and were gracing everyone with our perfect knowledge.

Thank God you are not struggling with substance abuse. That escape and denial tool removes the rest of the pain that keeps you alive for some of the people I knew.

I would say that I was married three times, the second two to the same women. First wife cheated and i fell apart. Second wife was cheating before the marriage and had a alcohol problem to boot but when she got pregnant , by accident, and she found out she had cancer at the same time well I manned up and took care of her. But after the baby was born and cancer was gone she reverted back to a miserable drunk and cheater and I left.

When I came back after she found Jesus again, (Did he ever leave?), after two years I was in protect mode, not as bad as your hubby but enough to recognize it in him.
Eventually she left her dry drunk and would never deal with her emotional issue that drove her into poor behavior. It took her a few years though before she felt entitled. She needed counseling and AA and to stop using her "idenity in Christ" as an excuse to abuse "Grace as a lisense to sin".

Well I chose to look the other way many times when she lied,cheated, and broke my heart with her dissapearances and drug behavior. I blamed myself. I thought that it was my fault and the funny thing is she would blame our problems on me not being confidant enough in God to make enough money for us sometimes. She and I lived in hope without a plan other than I needed to make money for a long time. She never saw that a major part of my self confidance was effected when she strayed. It was like I was a failure in the most important thing in my life. Taking care of my wife and family. The more she screwed up and lied about it as she expected me to be the only responsible one and to take the blame, the more I hung my head down and took it when she would just deny doing anything wrong as I gave up ever trusting her or even wanting to live really. I was just holding on in blind hope of deliverance from chains I allowed myself to be bound with.
We could have used a place like this site instaed of a church that did like lurosiis and acted like it was our fault for not praying enough. But thats a whole different story there..

Enough of the heartache and confusion both of you share can be compared to my sitch so that I can understand and be empathetic but these ppl can help you reach the goals you guys want in yur marriage. Along with the work and a strong enough passion and desire to get there.

And yes you should write a book, Start with a journal because it is a great tool for you and any therapy.

W02.

.my mother gave me up for adoption, I was the product of an affair.

Thats also my story, my bio-Mother gave me up when I was 18 months old, I've always felt I didn't belong anywhere was that your experience too?

God Bless
Gamma

Your wife died?? Wow, I am so sorry.
My hubby has finally been diagnosed with diabetes and it has been one of those things where his symptoms aren't the norm of everyone. Whenever he had his sugar check it was "normal". He has been having problems for the past 4 years and most people don't understand that he's been dealing with an unknown problem...I don't know what it's like to lose a spouse, but I know what it's like to live in fear of losing them to death. His sugar is so high right now, we really don't know how else to control it with diet. He doesn't have a moniter yet but a friend used theirs and it was close to 600. He is more aware know of what not to eat...that's high enough to fall into a coma, I'm just hoping his size is keeping him out of danger. (He's a big man, but he'd be big after weightloss around 250. He is at least taking this seriously and is trying to lose weight and I couldn't be happier about him finally realizing his weight can be a problem, now if I could just get control of my weight again ;))
Anyway...my hubby is a former alchoholic he went to drinking after his first wife left and lost everything...I can't remember if he did the same thing after the second wife left, I think he took on a mentality that he wasn't good enough.
All I did was make it worse and he now says he has a scar.
I am hoping that the counselor will help us. I will be starting a journal as soon as I can figure out where to start.

Yes, I have always had this sense of abandonment, I never really felt like I honestly and truly fit in with my family. I have had a hard time making friends with mostly women. My mother never understood why I felt abandoned, she would find these adoptees that had it all together and where proud to say that they didn't feel abandoned. She always had a way of saying I only felt a certain way because I thought I should. I was with them since I was 3 days old, but it was in court for 3 years. I had some visitation with my Bio-father and one with my Bio-mother. The short visit I had with her, my adoptivemom had all of these negative feelings for her as in I was HER baby now.

I have a question, would a "romantic" vacation be a good idea, or would it be a disaster at this point? I sort of thought it might be a good idea, but then I thought it would be no different than how we behave at home.

I was the product of an A, but I was not given up for adoption. I was raised by my mother, who was the OW. My mother never married and never had any more children. She continued to cling to the hope that my father would divorce his wife and marry her until I was in high school. She never acknowledged that what she did was wrong. She always viewed herself as the "victim" because my father lied to her and led her on. She justified her actions by vilifying my father's wife, who "never understood him." I always felt like the black sheep in my extended family. I never felt accepted the way my cousins were, whose parents were married. Most of my father's family were never told of my existence and still don't know about me to this day. I grew up feeling very much like a dirty little secret that had no right to exist.

There are downsides to it either way. Being the product of an A is never easy.

I am also an adoptee who is the product of an affair, but I didn't find out about the affair part until I met my birthmother at age 30. Honestly, I am one of those weirdo adoptees who aways felt special and chosen rather than abandoned. I kow I frustrated my parents some because I was the flighty, emotional, artsy girl who couldn't find her car keys, and they are both very type A. But they were/are wonderful parents who were soooooo thankful to have me, so I am sure that helped. I never really thought about biology until I was pregnant with my first child.

I do think that adoption can add a whole other dimension to the relationship thing, esp if you felt isolated or abandoned growing up. Between adoption, bipolar, and a massive right brain personality,I had no prayer of being normal - ha! Normal is overated anyway!

W02,

You asked

Why don't you ask him? But instead of "romantic" why not cast it as just "getting away" to decompress and relax. That young lady is what leads to romance. Just get away, hike, walk, shop, sightsee, and simply enjoy one another quietly, no strings, no relationship talks, no medical talks. Just BE!


Those are my thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

So see if I have this right. Your husband has blood sugar over 600 and is NOT BEING TREATED BY A DOCTOR????

He is going to DIE.

And also, you say he is around 400 lbs??? That he needs to lose at least 250 lbs to be healthy???

HE IS GOING TO DIE< GET HIM TO A DOCTOR FOR DIABETIC MEDS.

You can get a blood sugar monitor for free online, just google "Free blood glucose meter".

And GET HOM TO A DOCTOR NOW!

What JL said about a vacation would be a good idea but this man cannot go on hikes or walks because of his huge size. He needs to get this diabetes under controll and you two need to quit eating fatty foods and sugary foods.

I completely agree..I am in a panic over his sugar levels. He has a moniter, bought a treadmill. We have changed our diet and I am calling the doc in the morning to see if they can get him in tomorrow(which they had better!). I really don't understand how he appears to be healthy. He needs to lose about 100lbs to be at a healthy weight. He is to blame for his own poor food choices, I cannot make him do anything( I follow Sparkpeople.com and use most of the healthy eating recipes they have). But, with the realization of his blood sugar being so high he has made MANY changes and the biggest one being he switched from soda pop to just water. He checked his blood sugar a little while ago and it was 462. What I don't get is that he hasn't had any sugar today??? I also think it had an effect on him when I told him this can KILL him. So he seems motivated to make the changes he is. I don't want to lose my hubby and I don't want my children to lose their Daddy!

Once he gets this under control and we both lose weight we will be going on a trip.

What I meant by "romantic" was NO kids. Our kids will go stay at Nana and Papaw's house.

How do you talk to each other without talking about kids, medical stuff, and bills (our city raised the "sewer" portion of the water bill and hubby well, he wasn't happy to say the least). Can all of the non-affair related stuff apply to me here ?
Is 30 still considered a young lady?lol

Wow, flighty, emotional, artsy girl...that's me!! right brained? Are you left-handed?

I have been a diabetic, insulin dependant for 25 years, became one shortly after meeting second wife and she became pregnant shortly after that. I think I got sloppy in the birth control dept because of this also but its still not any excuse to have sex before marriage and Im not making one

Hi Wife_02,

I'm a registered dietitian and I thought I would throw in a little info about your H's diabetes. It is not just sugar that causes his blood sugar to go up. It is everything! Everything you eat is converted to glucose after it is digested. That is the energy source of choice for your cells and brain.

His diabetes is the result of the 100 pounds overweight you say he is. So, his size won�t help/save him in any way. It is because of his size that he has diabetes. And it won�t change until he loses weight. He has become insensitive to the insulin his body produces, because of the excess weight.

He needs to be seen by a physician and get some dietary counseling to help him get the glucose levels down ASAP. He needs to be on medication to bring down the glucose levels until he can get the weight off. Not necessarily insulin, but oral medications at a minimum.

I am stunned if a physician diagnosed his diabetes (and at those glucose levels) and didn�t put him on any medications to go along with his weight loss efforts.

He will not be able to lower the glucose levels on his own at this point. Get him back to the doctor�s office!

Start with today. Be honest about everything you feel and experiance and write it down dailey.

If yu want to write about past stuff thats cool too but that will be more about your past concepts and how you felt,feel about the past.

The journal will surprise you as you read it in six months and see patterns and how far you have come or not come. Either way start today and just write what you think and feel. there are no right and wrong feelings in it because its personal and yours for objectiivity.

And there you have it, support from someone who knows waht she is talking about. MB ppl are awesome!!

Sugar balance, stress, diet, excersize, all have to be dealt with in disipline and he will notice a would of difference in his moods also. I say this because I lived it. more later but please see a doc. He has the type that can be handled with diet? He must or he would be losing weight like crazy.
I am 5'10 and when 20 years old B4 diabtes I was a solid 200 lbs, pulse rate of 44 and all the nurses when i went to the hospital asked me if i was an athelte because Blood pressure was so healthy. ( Boy wasn't I proud lol). I also smoked two packs a day and worked like a fool and was in great shape for a smoker.

When I was diagnosed as a diabetic was 6 years later, I was working two jobs and dropped to 140 lbs. Second wife looked at me and said I looked sick, I said I had the flu and she proceeded to make me dinner as I took the night off. She made me pancakes, hash browns, and an hour later I was . To the hospital I went where my sugar was around 700.

Take care of him W02, we are what we eat and we become what we think

I will take care of to the best of my abilities! I couldn't stand to lose him...it would be a tragedy to our entire family.

W1,

You wrote There are downsides to it either way. Being the product of an A is never easy.

That really resonates with me, even for the COM it is painful.

About a month ago I was speaking with my half-brother, on my Mothers side, he lives in squalor with a disgusting ex-prostitute, is filthy and very sick. Yet for my brother the worst thing which ever happened was when my Mom had an affair with OM and his family was torn apart.

Sorry for the slight thread jack W02!

Gamma

Normal...what a concept.. lol

My wife was taken away by the state at 5 years old because her Mom was a raging alcoholic. She was placed in foster homes locally so she got to witness her town drunk Mom get plasterd and come visit. Wife looked almost exactly like her Mom and they were both very beautiful women. Wifes biggest fear was turning out like her Mom. Her foster Dad after she had lived with them for 7 years developed "boundary issues" when she was like 12-13 because she "reminded him of a girl he was once in love with". This seems to happen so often with stepdads also.. well tahts a whole thread subject..
FW was the oldest of a string of children her Mom spit out and only she and her brother were taken away. FW also took on the Hero role as her younger brother did the denial role as extreme role playing is common in dysfunctional familys with childen because of the fear factor thier screwy parents hand them at such a young age.
At 17 she found an enviroment,(far away from home town), where she was loved and accepted whithin a christian community. Here she shined as she could shake off the genetics and threw herself into a relationship with Christ and studied theology with the best of them. This became her new idenity but the fears imbedded in her as a child were just below the surface. Instaed of seeking a doctor to find out what and why she was driven to rebeliuosness she just chalked it up to the way everybody was when they fell into sin. It was a recipe for having a new dependance on whatever way the wind blows in her moods. If she drank it was Satan who made her and all she had to do was "rebound" and get back to church. She traded the fear of not being good enough for her Parents to love her with not being good enough for God to and her church sold it. Along with that kind of teaching came an entitlement and expectation that God would change the rules just for Her. They should have went to her and insisted she get treatment but they must have been afraid to shatter their own false towers of power and influence over people if they preached true freedom from religion.

Parents and the authority figures we trust have a huge influence on our inner security and emotional stability. When we are reacting from fear of who we are, where we came from, why we exist and we don't have any foundation that is not conditional we are put in charge of our own feelings. Im not talkiing about basic life lessons we learn from burning our hand on the stove, I talking about when we are betrayed and used by ppl who have authority over us and somehow we believe we deserve it but cannot recognize that. It can become a cycle that we revisit sometimes just because we feel something, anything as we imitate those who we looked to for guidance.
Wife and I had a dream of having a home where we could take care of children who came out of bad homes. Wife was great with children and they knew she loved them. She had a deep understanding of the need for love and guidance for them. We both felt that being good parents was our top priority since we had children in past marriages when we met. We did foster care for a short while and enjoyed it. My wife had a problem teaching children who became adolescents about adult behavior mostly because she had problems with that herself. The inner images and influences of outrageous behavior coupled with rebeloiusness and bitterness given to her by her Mommy and Daddy never got completly dealt with and she still felt that was adult behavior somehow. Being adopted and moved to another state would have been the best thing for her and her brothers and sisters. Her Mom and Dad were canidates for mandnatory sterilization if I ever saw one.