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lgtex Offline OP
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Hi, I�m new here.
I have been married for 18 years and have 3 children. I found out about my husband�s affairs 8 weeks ago. On Oct 5 , 09, I found and email to a woman he met on a business trip 4 days earlier. When I confronted him about it he denied anything happened. He began counseling the next day to make our marriage better. 8 weeks later I found another email, hacking into an account I forgot about, and found another email to another woman that was explicit. He denied that anything happened between them until I email the OW. I also threatened with a polygraph. He panicked and spilled his guts about the last 3.5 years. There have been 2 one night stands, a 14 month A, (they had met 4 times, and talked daily) and 2 emotional/phone A�s, all are out of town. He ended the 14 month A, when I found the email on Dec 18-09, in front of me by phone and letter. He also sent emails to the other women telling them he wanted no more contact and that what he had done was beyond regrettable. He desperately wants our marriage to work and says he will do anything to make that happen. Through counseling he has been diagnosed with moderate depression. We have had a very stressful last 4 years, relocating twice, 3 deaths in the family plus more. I know this is no excuse�.. He says he liked the attention the women gave him and he didn�t intend for anything to happen�..I know they all say that. He tells me he loves me more than ever and is glad all the �indiscretions� are out, and he is relieved. I�m just getting over the �shock� , and I�m so confused! This is not the man I married! I don�t know if I can live with the fact that the person I love and trust the most would do this to my family and I. He is now behaving like the husband I married and even better. He has provided phone records and calls frequently during the day. And will do anything I ask of him. Of course I�m one of those wives that said �this could never happen to me.� Any advice is appreciated!

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Sorry you're going through this, but you found a great site. You'll get a lot of input from lots of people who've been there. I'm still quite the newbie so I'll let the vets give the advice. I just want to say I'm so sorry that your H did this and I wish you strength in this extremely hard time.

Last edited by Carka; 02/18/10 04:31 PM.

Me: BW
DH: Had a 2yr. affair with my brother's wife.
D Day 11-10-09
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Welcome to MB. I'm sorry your world has been rocked. I'm very glad your H is remorseful.


Is he answering all your questions honestly and completely, without protest?
Is he willing to spend time talking about the As or does he want to "forget about it" and "move on"?

It takes TIME to get through this. You don't "get over" an infidelity, you get "through" it. It's a shock, the same as a natural disaster such as an earthquake or tsunami. You need time to let it sink in, to get your feet back under you, to learn what your new reality is, to re-establish your goals, and to plot a course from here to there. It takes a lot of time.

A lot of people in your position come here and say "How can I learn to trust him again?" and the answer to that is that it is not up to you to trust him again. The burden is on him to earn your trust.

I highly recommend a Marriage Builders weekend. I've not been but everyone who has been - to a person - raves about them and says their life and marriage was transformed. It's actually kind of disgusting how happy they are and how much they gush laugh If you can't afford the weekend, do the online course. Click "Seminars" at the bottom of the page.

You guys need to learn why the affair happened. Why he allowed himself to talk to OW. All the places he failed to protect the marriage and instead took another step toward the slippery slope. A lot of this he has to figure out himself, but both of you can work together to make the marriage stronger, to learn to mutually protect the marriage, and to support one another.

What is he doing to earn your trust other than apologizing and calling home? Phone records are nice but disposable cellphones are easily had.
Do you have access to all his passwords?
Will he let you put a key logger on the computer?
Will he get a cellphone with GPS and keep it on him and enabled at all times?
Will he take a polygraph?
Will he sign a post-nup saying you get full custody of the children, all his 401k, the house, etc. if he ever strays again?

What is he willing to do to earn your trust?

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He's going to cheat as long as he spends nights away on business. If he is really serious about recovering your marriage he needs to find a job that does not require overnight travel. Otherwise, 2 years from now, you'll find another email.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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lgtex,

I'm not as pessimistic as others on recovery with an away job, but the statistics are not in your favor, just so you know.

I would order some books, and insist on marital coaching with someone who is schooled in the Marriage Builders concepts. Regular counselors just don't get the idea when it comes to affairs. Many will tell you to "get over it" and that he didn't mean it...he's home...try to forgive and forget. If your counselor is that type, move on to someone else fast.

You need to be very aware that it is often the case that the affair partners will at first call it off, but go further underground after just a few weeks of little contact. They could be waiting for the stink to die down. Watch what he DOES, not what he SAYS.

You need to be able to access all of his emails, and be able to monitor text messages and cell call records remotely at any time. He should not have access to this - only you - that way he cannot alter the records. You should also be able to check his cell phone and computer at any time you wish. GPS on his car should also be available to you. Your comfort level with his whereabouts and contacts with others is of utmost importance, and he should not balk at any request you make in this regard.

You should have any and all questions answered openly and honestly - no matter the question. He should have NO SECRETS regarding the affair. He has no right to protect his affair partners; you should be the person being protected, and never the OW.

He should begin a program of showing you extraordinary precautions with regard to how he plans to avoid situations that might lead to possible affair behavior. Look at this website for those things he can do.

He needs to write a letter of No Contact to the other woman, that you read and approve, and that you mail. Also, if the other woman is married (or if any of them are married), you should contact their husbands and let them know what has happened. Those men deserve to know the truth of their lives as well.

STD testing is a must.

I recommend ordering Surviving an Affair, and After the Affair. Both books are very good, and can help both of you with plans for recovery. This website is great for support.


Understand, also, that this process is like a rollercoaster ride. You didn't buy the ticket, but you are on the ride. Someone else is in control, and they make the ride faster, slower, up and down, twisty, turny, hilly, and scary. They never tell you what's coming next, and sometimes they turn out the lights. And just when you think you're going to get off, they hit the reset button and send you around again.


You're in a good place for help. Stay here. Read everything on this website.


Four years and three months ago I found MB after my H's affair. I don't think we would have made it without MB.


We're together today, ready to celebrate our 35th anniversary in June.

Get your plan together, and know that recovering a marriage after affairs is NOT for sissies. But in the end, it can be worth it.

Buckle up, and put on your big girl panties. You'll need 'em.

SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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lgtex Offline OP
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You are right. The marriage councelor suggested we consider that as well. Thank you for the advice.

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lgtex Offline OP
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I was just looking on the internet for a gps to put in his work car. I will work on getting access to his computer, that is a little tricky, he works for the feds and has a secure computer at the office. His blackberry also gets all his email, and he shows me whenever I ask, but who knows what goes on during business hours. Any ideas ? He does have a work laptop that can be hooked to a phone line at our home, he never uses it, but I will insist he get it set up for home use and leave it here.

Thank you for the help. I appreciate it all


BS (ME)40
FWH 40
M 18yrs
DS 16, 14, 12
DDay #1 10/09 innaprop email
DDay #2 12/18/09 SA phone/email, met 4 times over 12m
DDay #3 12/25/09 (full confess. Merry Christmas!) 2 ONS,in 08, 2 EA/phone/internet.06-08
NC 12/19/09 sent emails to ALL!

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You've gotten excellent advice so far. I also feel that my M would not have survived if I hadn't found MB.

Your situation appears very hopeful. As long as your WH is working to earn your trust through transparency and working to protect his weaknesses, you've got the beginning of R. As SB said, R is not for sissies. It is emotionally exhausting and you will find that you question yourself often. But that's normal.

When you do discuss his A's try to remain calm. It helps to keep the channels open and honest and he won't feel like he is being punished all of the time. I suggest you get all of your questions answered sooner rather than later. Daily interrogations get old and do do damage after awhile. But you are entitled to find out everything that you need to.

Go slowly. Try to meet eachothers' needs the best you can. That may be the last thing on your mind right now, so it is "the best you can". You may not be able to meet ANY needs right now. Spend time together alone. 15 hours min is what is recommended. I can say that this is critical. Schedule it if you have to.


As far as the vehicle tracking...you can put some locators on his cell or you can buy a small gadget to put in the car. My sister recently got the small gps from landairsea. It was about $200. It records location, speed, duration of stops, etc and stores it. Then you remove it and connect through a usb to your computer and check out the data with the installed software. It also works with google earth. It also has a strong magnet on it so it can be put on the car. I'll let you know more when she takes it off this weekend. But it has gotten good reviews.

Is his blackberry a work phone or is it private?

This isn't easy and it will take years to R. But it IS doable if it is what you want. Yes I still have reminders and I am a different person because of my H's A, but our M is better than it ever was because of MB. Welcome.


BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
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lgtex Offline OP
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I would be thrilled to learn how the GPS works. I am anxious to get one, but don't know much about them. His blackberry is a Fed gov't private phone, just like his computer at work. I can't even get into his office without a security check and authorized person letting me in. I asked for phone records from his work line, but he says there are many lines, "watts line" and it would be impossible to get.

Have you used a key logger? I could put that on his work computer, even if he knows about it....it would be helpful.

Thank you for the support!


BS (ME)40
FWH 40
M 18yrs
DS 16, 14, 12
DDay #1 10/09 innaprop email
DDay #2 12/18/09 SA phone/email, met 4 times over 12m
DDay #3 12/25/09 (full confess. Merry Christmas!) 2 ONS,in 08, 2 EA/phone/internet.06-08
NC 12/19/09 sent emails to ALL!

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lgtex Offline OP
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I LOVE the idea of a "post-nup"! I have never thought of that! His greatest joy in this world are his sons. (of course he says I'm most important) We have not told them, they would HATE him.

He does answer almost all questions about the details, but occasionally does get frustrated and wants to change the subject.

He has agreed to a polygraph.

He has to use a gov't phone, not sure if I can get a gps on that, but he has supplied the phone records.

I will be putting a gps on his car.

I appreciate all the ideas! I'm so glad I got on this forum. I really need the "wake-up" call as to this new reality in my life, I'm just now realizing this is a permanent part of him, and our marriage.


BS (ME)40
FWH 40
M 18yrs
DS 16, 14, 12
DDay #1 10/09 innaprop email
DDay #2 12/18/09 SA phone/email, met 4 times over 12m
DDay #3 12/25/09 (full confess. Merry Christmas!) 2 ONS,in 08, 2 EA/phone/internet.06-08
NC 12/19/09 sent emails to ALL!

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I'll let you know more about the gps when she takes it off, which should be this weekend.

I have personally used spectorpro on our computer when my DH was having his A. It worked beautifully. My sister is now using the same one except it's the newer one for 2010. She should have gotten it today.

It's a good thing that he agreed to the poly. Follow through with that. And get the whole truth.


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DDay PA 6/05
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Originally Posted by lgtex
He does answer almost all questions about the details, but occasionally does get frustrated and wants to change the subject.
And who wouldn't, having to relive that shame and see the pain on their spouse's face over and over again?

There are a couple of techniques you can employ that I and others here have found very helpful.

1) Set aside certain times for talking about relationship stuff. This is when you can ask questions about the affair, read to each other from SAA, review the questions and questionnaires, etc. This is good because you, the BS, know there is a time coming soon when you'll get your questions answered and you'll get to talk about your fears and address these huge issues. It's good for the WS because he knows all other times are "safe" and he won't be ambushed with affair and relationship talk. Recovery needs to involve a lot of FUN. It is a time of rebonding and re-attracting one another. It's not just about the painful stuff. Doing the fun stuff is every bit as important.

2) When questions pop into your mind, write them down on a piece of paper or in a notebook. Leave them there for at least 24 hours and I'd recommend at least 48 hours. Then if they are still important, ask your WH the question. I did this and it's amazing how many burning questions simply were not important two days later.

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There were times when I just sat in the closet in the dark. I had to, in order to try to "turn off" the noise in my own head. It was hard to do this recovery gig - and not to mention that my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer about 2 or 3 weeks after d-day. He had surgery about 8-9 weeks after, and don't you know that made things crazy.

You will need to find ways to allow yourself breaks from thinking about the affair. I had to find time-out places. I would sit on the swing on our patio and just meditate by staring at the ripples in the pool. Sometimes I sat in my parked car and would just watch traffic. Isolated quiet seemed to allow me to calm and quiet those thoughts that just raced in my head.

Sometimes I asked him to just hold me. I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but I think it helped him, too. He began to more fully understand my pain as he sat there holding me while I just went through the emotional upheavals, and just needed someone to help me through them. There were times when he also needed to be held, and would come to me. We found ourselves clinging to one another - at times it felt for dear life - in the mix of cancer and affair devastation. Somehow we found one another again.

He was willing to answer questions, and that meant he often answered the same question 100 times over. I didn't believe him, or I forgot what he had said, or I just needed reassurance. But he stayed strong and kept on trudging through his own muck. That helped me on the recovery path, too, because he was patient with me and stood strong to help me get there.

Look at what your H does, not what he says. His actions will tell you much more than his words, because it is the consistent follow-through on his supportive and honest behavior that will begin to rebuild your trust and faith in the marriage's ability to recover. I will tell you that I still have moments of weakness of trust - still, at four years plus. I think that is normal, because the cracks are not yet healed for me. I am weak, and at times still feel insecure. Mostly that happens when I am triggered by something.

You need to learn now about triggers, because when you learn about them you can better handle them.


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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lgtex Offline OP
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Thank you everyone for the great advice. My WH has been very agreeable to all the demands I have made. There is no way I can monitor his work emails, (he does show me them when he comes home, but he can delete anything) he has a secure gov't internet ect. He has agreed to poly, pre-nup, cell phone records and answering questions, he has even asked his boss to stop his travel for as long as possible. We did send a "no contact" letter together, and he did let me add to it whatever I wanted. I will be putting a gps on his car when the order comes in.

It has been almost 10 weeks since Dday. It is almost like WH is making this too easy. Is this normal? Is this a "red flag" that I'm not seeing?


BS (ME)40
FWH 40
M 18yrs
DS 16, 14, 12
DDay #1 10/09 innaprop email
DDay #2 12/18/09 SA phone/email, met 4 times over 12m
DDay #3 12/25/09 (full confess. Merry Christmas!) 2 ONS,in 08, 2 EA/phone/internet.06-08
NC 12/19/09 sent emails to ALL!

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lgtex Offline OP
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From "schoolbus" post (wasn't sure how you get someones quote in that little box..??"

"Sometimes I asked him to just hold me. I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but I think it helped him, too. He began to more fully understand my pain as he sat there holding me while I just went through the emotional upheavals, and just needed someone to help me through them. There were times when he also needed to be held, and would come to me. We found ourselves clinging to one another - at times it felt for dear life - in the mix of cancer and affair devastation. Somehow we found one another again."

"He was willing to answer questions, and that meant he often answered the same question 100 times over. I didn't believe him, or I forgot what he had said, or I just needed reassurance. But he stayed strong and kept on trudging through his own muck. That helped me on the recovery path, too, because he was patient with me and stood strong to help me get there. "



You are telling my story! We hold each other everynight, it's a strange thing when you think about it, but it really helps. And I have asked the same questions 100's of times, it's like I can't remember them all and have to ask again.

Did you ever come to a place where you could find a "peace" in you about what your WH did? that is what I have trouble with...trying to accept it and knowing I have to "live" with it.

Last edited by lgtex; 02/22/10 09:36 AM.

BS (ME)40
FWH 40
M 18yrs
DS 16, 14, 12
DDay #1 10/09 innaprop email
DDay #2 12/18/09 SA phone/email, met 4 times over 12m
DDay #3 12/25/09 (full confess. Merry Christmas!) 2 ONS,in 08, 2 EA/phone/internet.06-08
NC 12/19/09 sent emails to ALL!

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,496
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lgtex, You will find peace and joy again in your life. Right now you are so early in R. It takes a min of 2 years. Some days you won't feel good and some days you will. You will think to yourself many times "why did I stay?" It's normal. Unfortunately there is no way to bypass all of that.

You have to work through all the emotions that YOU feel. No matter how good and loving he is he still can not remove the pain and anger from inside of you. Over time you will tire from rehashing it all in your mind and you will know when it is time to release it and let it go. But that'll be on your schedule. Just remember not to punish him when you are having a bad day. Tell him why and then ask for a hug.

This chapter in your life will eventually blend with the others and it too shall pass.


BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
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Just thought I'd give you that update on the gps tracking. The device is quite amazing. My sister sent it back to me because she didn't want to install any software on her computer(there is a program that you do have to install and would be seen). I put it on my computer and also downloaded Google earth. Well this nifty device pulled up the movement of vehicle for a week and It automatically overlays it on top of google earth so I could see the exact street, speeds, addresses and how long he was there.

I'm very impressed.



BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 24
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lgtex Offline OP
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Thank you MicheleG! I will look into that today.


BS (ME)40
FWH 40
M 18yrs
DS 16, 14, 12
DDay #1 10/09 innaprop email
DDay #2 12/18/09 SA phone/email, met 4 times over 12m
DDay #3 12/25/09 (full confess. Merry Christmas!) 2 ONS,in 08, 2 EA/phone/internet.06-08
NC 12/19/09 sent emails to ALL!

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you have gotten some great advice! SOme of it I can apply to my situation..... but have a few questions for those that offered advice to you.

what was the name of the GPS tracking device?

and what if the WH does not give details? When I ask He gets upset & claims 1 of these lines
"there are none to give"...
that he is not going to feed my "sick twisted imagination" ...

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lgtex Offline OP
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It has been several months since I've posted. I just needed a littel "pick me up". Our progress has been great, my WH has been amazing! we have read HNHN and are starting LB, continued IC(WH) and MC. We are taking a long weekend trip this weekend, alone, the first time in years. WH has done everything I have asked.

Anyhow, I know this takes time, for me to recover, but I have days where I wonder if I'm doing the right thing by staying with WH. I mean, what kind of person could do this to your spouse? My WH was the kind of guy everyone looked up to and sought advice from, he was a real "boy scout" in everyones eyes.

I guess I doubt my ability to chose a "faithful/Honest" spouse.... can I trust my own judgement now to give him another chance? The media coverage on Tiger and Sandra B's WH's doesnt help....they are divorcing theirs WH's (so the media says)

Granted, I do have really good days where I feel like I now have the best hubby anyone could ask for!

Am I crazy??? should I feel blessed that he is doing all these things to make it right??


BS (ME)40
FWH 40
M 18yrs
DS 16, 14, 12
DDay #1 10/09 innaprop email
DDay #2 12/18/09 SA phone/email, met 4 times over 12m
DDay #3 12/25/09 (full confess. Merry Christmas!) 2 ONS,in 08, 2 EA/phone/internet.06-08
NC 12/19/09 sent emails to ALL!

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