MF...that doesnt sound right...Married,

I can promise you that my response (I think I posted it earlier in my thread) was definitely a LB

I do have hope for BaT....but I also wish I had a crystal ball...

I guess that means no RV?
How about just the boat then?

My pleasure.


http://www.amazon.com/NOVICA-White-quartz-crystal-ball/dp/B00012NZCW

HbH,

You're right... it's exhausting!

A couple things to remember.
Focusing on your marriage includes taking care of yourself. This includes Spiritually, Physically & Mentally. You don't place your marriage "above" your health, they are to go hand in hand. Caring for your own health is your responsibility. You must bring your health and well being "to" the marriage.

Find a way to get back to church. The Spiritual nurturing needed for recovery is going to be a critical ingredient for helping BaT cut through the fog.

Thoughtful requests go a long way. Try...... "I would love it if we visited a church together this weekend."

Begin thoughtful requests with ....... I would love it if.........

hbh ~ I always recommend the book "Power of a Praying Wife". I have read it a few times and for Lent this year, DH and I are doing this together: I am re-reading this and DH is reading "Power of a Praying Husband". Our plan is to get in bed 15 minutes earlier every night, do our reading, and tell each other what our daily prayer each other for the next day will be.

Even if BaT isn't interested right now, I still suggest that you get this book. It's very powerful.

HbH,

Actually, you don't come across as a basket-case AT ALL!!!! From what I can tell, you seem like a very successful, competitant, strong woman.....and that woman has had her world turned topsy-turvy and is not sure HOW to deal with that. It seems like you have always known what you want and what to do in all types of situations and that make dealing with WH's affair difficult for you (I may have this wrong, this is just my observation based on what you have posted....). In my judgement, I think that this has made it harder for you to be vunerable to yourself and others. I also think that given WHO the OW was and how integrated into your lives she was (she was your nanny after all....) makes it even MORE difficult for you to be vunerable and ask for help. I completely understand this......It just makes my heart cry for you.....

That being said, I am quite proud of how you are taking the bull by the horns and doing all that you can to help yourself, which in the long run will better for your children and your M.

And as far as basket-cases go, we have ALL BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. There are MANY MANY MANY basket-case moments all over my old thread. I know some of the others who have posted to you went through the same things.

You have been through a trauma. It is not an exaggeration by any means, and if anyone dare tells you different, hold true to yourself and what you know. People try to minimize adultery because they unless they have been through it, they truly do not know of the pain and heartache it inflicts.....

You will get through this. I promise you that. I am 2 yrs removed from H's affair. Some days are good, some are GREAT, some are bad, and some moments are down right torturous. In fact, yesterday afternoon was really bad. I was hit with a trigger from a rather nasty song on the radio (it was "their" song..... ). It really shook me up. Something that really doesn't happen to much any more, but it did. BUT I survived, got through it, with a bit of help from H. And in time your H, hopefully, will do the same. It was only recently that H could fully appriciate how awful his affair was.

I agree with the advice about your talks about the affair. You should try and limit it. You can come here and let us know what's going through your head.

I also wanted to suggest journaling. It helped me a ton. I didn't journal at all pre-A but did so during and immediately afterward. It helped me to put on paper my emotions of the moment and gave me way to release them.

As as far as BaT is concerned, good gosh he's still foggy, but that too will disapate in time. And when it does, the crash is pretty awful........I know for me, that I handled it pretty well but I also had a lot of empathy for H.

Continue on with your counseling with Steve (how'd it go BTW??) and keep on posting here, and you'll do just fine......

not2fun

Thanks for the encouragment N2F...Your assessment is dead on ...I've mapped my life out and I've always had every little detail worked out...and now I just feel....well, like every BS-I'm sure, that the rug has been pulled out from under me.

But I'm going to get through this...someone posted a thread earlier today of the effects of divorce on children...not happening if I can do anything about it. BaT is here. His attitude about being here makes me want to strangle him sometimes, but he IS here.

And then there are days like today, he's been as close to his "old" self as he could be with all of this hanging over him. He's been attentive, affectionate, joked around a little...

About an hour ago, our oldest child mentioned his favorite "place" in our old hometown...Bat got VERY upset (crying) because of what he'd taken away from the kids...so its not that BaT lacks empathy, its that he lacks empathy for me

"White quartz crystal ball 2" W 2" L
Currently unavailable.
We don't know when or if this item will be back in stock."


Thatls pretty funny...

HbH,

What are the ages of your children again? And what genders?

Not2fun

Yeah, Gack is something else...

I have 3 kids too. Dd16, Dd13, and Ds11. They are amazing kids, MOST of the time....

Dd16 is becoming such a wonderful young woman. She has her life "mapped" out too. I'm not sure if you caught it but she was sexually molested by a neighbor when she was 9. She still struggles with that but I firmly believe it has made her into a most empathetic and sensitive person. She is a very generous and caring soul.

Dd13 is such a tomboy that for years I would joke around that when older sis was born she took all the " girlie" genes so there wasn't any left for Dd13. She is EXTREMELY strong-willed and tempermental, but when she is smiling and laughing the world smiles with her. She is an extremely gifted artist. You can always find her doodles and papers EVERYWHERE. She has always had difficulty making friends but this year she has turned a new leaf. She very smart as well. The world will be hers fir the taking some day!

Ds11 is a precious boy. He had the most amazing expressions and you can always tell what he's feeling just by looking at his face. He struggles in school and has ADD, but he tries very hard. He is very kind to all of his friends and really knows how to find fun in everything. He keeps me laughing and is the most affectionate out of the three. I sometimes wonder if it's a boy thing or the youngest thing.

They were a BIG reason I fought for my marriage like I did......when H left us it was very hard on them.

Not2fun

N2F,

your kids sound amazing It really does make you look at the bigger picture when you think about how your decisions affect your children (which makes it even harder to accept what a WS will do, WITHOUT thinking of his/her children).



I have two boys and one girl:3, 2, and 1. They are all perfect and make me strive to be better than I am.

Some WS CREATE children in there affair, that's what an OC is. An OC can add a whole new dimension of fun to Affair/Recovery.

Gack,

Wow, what a hand to be dealt...but you are a fighter

I will keep my chin up...and I'm sorry for the pain that must have caused you, I can't imagine...

Not sorry enough to donate the Boat and RV, but still....

HbH,

WoW.....such precious babies!!! And I thought I had mine close together...

I love babies and toddlers!!!! But I've also learned I really love every stage. I think I am one of those who enjoyed each part of my kids childhoods....... Of course I'm not out of the teen era yet so check back with me I few years!!!!

How was your appt. with Steve yesterday? Did you discuss the MBW?

As far as BaT doing well yesterday, it would behoove your recovery to thank him for it. While I know that HE got you all in this mess, it is still work for him as well. I'll comment more on this later after work..... But when you comment on the good moments it gives you all boost to keep on powering through this. It's hard,I know,so enjoy the good moments when you can.....

Do you all have anything planned for this weekend? Try to get some UA time in wtb just the two of you. Doesn't have to be anything over the top. A movie or a comedy club perhaps.....something that keeps your mind busy yet together....

Not2fun

Greeaattt!

Now what am I supposed to do with a 20'x50' concrete pad with power, water, and sewer connections. This is very upsetting.


Thats it, your off my Christmas card list!



Ok, back to the subject at hand.

Why has BaT stopped posting?

He's been emailing back and forth with a FWH off the forum...I think BaT just doesnt like to hear that he's "in a fog" or "doesn't get it"...

We talked about it a little on Wednesday...I said "BaT, if Steve Harley tells you that you don't "get it" and forum posters say you "lack empathy" and I tell you that you're dismissive...don't you think there is something to it????

He says no, because he knows full well what he did.

SO, I remind him of my grandmother's death (about 2 years ago and VERY hard for me) and how supportive and empathetic he was...BaT started crying...he has always been very emotional about me (which is why this apathy about PA is so hard to understand)...and he just started talking about how worried he was about me at the funeral and how he would have taken that pain for me if he could....

So, here is where we are at...IF BaT remembers back to a time when he adored me, saw me in pain, then he can't even talk about it today without getting upset.....BUT if BaT thinks about PA and what it has done to me...not so much...

hbh - the pain of your grandmother's death was caused by an outside factor, so it was "safe" for BaT to be supportive and empathetic.

But the pain over the affair is directly caused by BaT. If he faces up to that he will be overwhelmed with guilt, and so he is putting up a wall to keep the facing-up and the guilt as far away as possible.

Every WS does this. Some don't have what it takes to tear down that wall and they run away instead. If BaT does tear down the wall, that's when he'll be a FWS instead of a WS.

Walls keep guilt out but fog in.

Thanks Mulan...what you're saying makes sense...

Does it just take time for WS to tear down the wall? Or is it more than that?

The only thing Steve has told me (not sure about BaT) is that its not my job to make BaT get "it"....

Well, mine never did tear down the wall. That would have meant giving up the ho collection first and he wasn't about to do that. He ran away instead.

It's a choice. Usually WS, like any other addicts, have to hit bottom and fully understand what they will be losing. If they really don't care, they'll just run away. If they do care - well, then things will start to get better.

That's why Steve told you it's not your job to see that BaT "gets it." He's got to figure that out on his own, and the only way he will ever do that is to understand that he really could lose his family if he refuses to get off the fence.

Right now he thinks he is the one who gets to make the choice to stay in the family or not. That was the very first vibe I picked up from his posts.

What he doesn't get is that if he stays on the fence, he will wake up one morning to discover that the choice has been made for him and he no longer has a family.

That's because even a woman who loves you has her limits when it comes to the emotional abuse and neglect that a fence-sitter dishes out.

This is what he needs to "get", but he's going to have "get it" on his own.

If the FWH he is emailing off the forum is who I think he is, his story is one of someone who absolutely hit rock bottom before rebuilding his life. And even if it's not that person, there are quite a few FWH's here who have similar stories. The common demoninator is that they all found a way to tear down that wall.