....still in love with other woman?

He says his life wouldn't be better without me but does he want a relationship without intimacy?

Is there a time line where this gets better or is this the way it will be.......anyone experience this and for how long..........thanks for the help.......sometimes I don't think it's even worth the effort.....

"When a WS refuses to leave the lover, there are no good options for the BS. At first, plan A is recommended because there is a slim hope (15%) that, with encouragement, a WS will make the decision to leave the lover. But 85% don't do that, even when plan A is implemented perfectly. That leaves two other choices which are both bad. The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS. The problem with a coninuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.

So I've recommended plan B rather early in the effort to separate the WS from his lover.

"The primary reason for abandoning plan A for plan B is protection. The stress experienced in plan A (trying to care for someone too long who is hurting you more deeply than you ever have, or ever will, experience) can leave you physically and emotionally damaged. So the question each person must ask themselves is, "how tough am I?"

My experience is that men are tougher mentally and physically than women. By that, I mean that women seem to start falling apart emotionally and physically after just a few months, or even a few weeks, of plan A. Men, on the other hand, seem to be able to keep it up for years before experiencing health problems.

If I don't know a person too well, I tend to lean to the safe side by recommending 3-4 weeks of plan A for women, and 6 months for men. But if a woman is no worse for wear after a few weeks, or a man is feeling okay after 6 months, there's no reason to end plan A at that point. As you can see, it's inexact, and depends on how the person is doing. A good support system (like the support people often receive on the Forum) can often keep a person in plan A much longer. "

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

He says his life wouldn't be better without me but does he want a relationship without intimacy?

Hi Jess, that is not "separated;" that is moving into the back bedroom and openly carrying on an affair. Calling that "separated" is fog talk. If I walk into the garage and my H is in the kitchen, we are not "separated" we are just in different parts of the house. Fogged out waywards often use this ploy [moving into the guest room and pronouncing themselves "separated" as a justification to commit adultery]

He says he wants to work on us and has asked for a chance, going to Florida with me was his idea, I just don't understand the distance so far with the physical touch, he told me he is afraid of getting hurt by me again and me deciding it is still over

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bc
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

In Virginia, this is actually considered separation!

great.....he says this has never been a problem area, it's the lack of him coming to me naturally, me so far making the effort to hug and kiss him hello and good bye....sometimes the rejection is hard to take, he says it's nothing personal, he has even used headache, being tired as excuses....still in love with other woman?

yes I live in canada and it is also considered separated here as well, you can live in the same house and be separated.

It is also considered "separation" in the foggy minds of waywards, and used as justification to commit adultery from the back bedroom.

Separated and living under the same roof is NOT a recommendation I would make. To anyone!

I guess 2 more weeks won't kill me, I am going to keep myself in a safe place emotionally for now..

Actually it is better if you are doing plan A. You are creating also a pressure on A. But it is not for everyone