|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 95
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 95 |
I did finish the FB exposure to 193 of OM's friends, avoiding children and a double handful of people from overseas. Have received some interesting responses. I'll post the highlights later.
Slept for a full 8 hours for the first time in weeks.
Tonight, DD14 is performing in a band concert, including two solos. I have a memory of a Harley newsletter or an article that talks about avoiding all events while in Plan B, but I can't find it now. I do not think I should miss this concert. Last I heard, WW is planning on being there. Thoughts?
I'm not a complete idiot. There are parts missing.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
I did finish the FB exposure to 193 of OM's friends, avoiding children and a double handful of people from overseas. Have received some interesting responses. I'll post the highlights later.
Slept for a full 8 hours for the first time in weeks.
Tonight, DD14 is performing in a band concert, including two solos. I have a memory of a Harley newsletter or an article that talks about avoiding all events while in Plan B, but I can't find it now. I do not think I should miss this concert. Last I heard, WW is planning on being there. Thoughts? Your DD would want you there, yes? Then be there for her.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
I just received an email from OM, in response to my exposure email to the Black and Brown Belts of the association: you have to be joking see you in prison On what charge, Felony Honesty?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Tonight, DD14 is performing in a band concert, including two solos. I have a memory of a Harley newsletter or an article that talks about avoiding all events while in Plan B, but I can't find it now. I do not think I should miss this concert. Last I heard, WW is planning on being there. Thoughts? Don't break Plan B, gnirlos! A tight Plan B is more beneficial to your daughter's best interest than seeing her performance. Start looking for CREATIVE WAYS to avoid breaking your Plan B instead of excuses to break it. Your W will not take you seriously at all, if you say you are ending contact and then you see her the next day. Nor should she take that seriously. Question: if I decide to do a full Plan B, what do I do when we attend the same children's activities? Soccer games, band concerts, plays, etc. are all part of our lives. Do I ignore him completely? Is it okay to smile and wave? Do we sit together or what?
FYI, I have a mediator in mind, but I'm just not emotionally read to Plan B him yet. But I'm getting there.
Dr. Harley
Administrator
Reged: 11/16/00
Posts: 1916
Re: Plan B Advice Needed
#3389429 - 01/28/08 06:40 AM
Read my answer to "What Now!" by NZJ in the Questions about Infidelity section of the MBW Forum. It probably applies to your situation.
About 95% of affairs die a natural death within 2 years of discovery. And 70% of those 5% that survive to marriage end in divorce. Even the 30% of the 5% (1.5%) are not all happy marriages. So the odds of your husband finding happiness with his present lover is so unlikely that it's safe to say that his affair is the worst mistake of his life. But because you're married to him, it's the worst mistake of your life, too. And you didn't do anything to deserve it.
Your best plan of action right now is plan B. And you will have to make it air-tight to keep you sane. Otherwise, every casual contact, even at your children's events, is likely to take a terrible toll on your mental and physical health.
Some day, your husband may come out of the fog. And he may be ready to win you back to him again. But I would encourage you to avoid hoping for that outcome. In fact, try to avoid thinking of him at all. Start going down a new path that does not include him in any way. There's nothing more that you can do to encourage him to do the right thing. All you're left with now is to try to protect yourself from future suffering. And that means having absolutely nothing to do with your husband, possibly for the rest of your life.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I did finish the FB exposure to 193 of OM's friends, avoiding children and a double handful of people from overseas. Have received some interesting responses. I'll post the highlights later. Good job! Can't wait to hear about the backlash. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
gn, when things like this come up, nstead of asking us how to break Plan B, ask yourself HOW YOU CAN AVOID IT.
You need to get into the practice of finding creative ways to avoid it lest you sabatoge your Plan B. It will be more productive if you get into the habit of finding ways to avoid it instead of getting in the habit of coming here and asking for a blessing to break Plan B every day.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 3,916
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 3,916 |
Hope you went to DD concert.
Received interesting emails? That sounds like a normal event.
You are doing great.
Larry
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 95
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 95 |
Yes, that was the article I remember. Thanks for finding it, ML.
Just had our first emergency. As she was getting out of the car at school, DD14 told me she had an ortho appointment at 945am and that WW was picking her up. [Teenagers are frustrating. Why can't they provide information earlier rather than assuming parents can drop everything and do what they need?. Lack of planning on their part does not constitute an emergency on my part. But, I digress.]
WW texts me at 940am saying that she's been at the school for 10 minutes, but no one can find DD14. "She's missing and a bunch of teachers r looking for her. Plz let me know where she is." I returned a short, simple, factual response - "I dropped her off @ school @ around 8am & she knows youre coming to pick her up". I did not reply to her later texts that said "Thx" and "Just found her!"
I'm not a complete idiot. There are parts missing.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Ye
WW texts me at 940am saying that she's been at the school for 10 minutes, but no one can find DD14. "She's missing and a bunch of teachers r looking for her. Plz let me know where she is." I returned a short, simple, factual response - "I dropped her off @ school @ around 8am & she knows youre coming to pick her up". I did not reply to her later texts that said "Thx" and "Just found her!" gnirlos, this kind of communication needs to be eliminated. If you are reading her texts, it is CONTACT and defeats the purpose of Plan B. Now your wife knows she CAN contact you via text so that is a hole she can exploit. I would get your DD a cell phone so these kind of logistical problems can be eliminated. Do you have an intermediary?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
p.s. when your wife contacts you like this, the IM should contact her and say "Joe deleted your text/email/voicemail before reading it. Any communication should be channeled through me. He will not be reading any messages and requests that you do not contact him directly again."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 95
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 95 |
Yes, I do have an IM. However, I thought that emergency communications regarding kids was allowed and a missing child is an emergency to me. If I misunderstood, I will ignore everything in the future.
DD14 has a cellphone. It's turned off while she is on school property (usually).
I'm not a complete idiot. There are parts missing.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I didn't view that as an emergency but you are right, contact for emergencies is perfectly ok!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 95
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 95 |
To other WS' that happen to be reading my modest thread. If you think your situation is unique, please read Inside the Wayward MindWayward Fog Babble (things ALL waywards seem to say):
1. I love you but I'm not in love with you
2. I have been unhappy in this marriage for a long time
3. The kids will be fine if we get a divorce as long as we remain friends (for their sake)
4. I just don't feel that way about you any more
5. The OP (other person) has nothing to do with the way I feel about you now
6. You are a wonderful person, we just aren't meant to be together
7. I am just confused, this has nothing to do with you
8. I am doing the best I can; I just can't decide what I want
9. I need some time/space to sort all of this out
10. I need some time/space to find myself
11. I am so tired of feeling this way!
12. Can't you just accept that it is over?
13. Why are you being nice to me when I do not deserve it?
14. You have never been there for me
15. I am going to file for divorce, I just don't have the money/time/strength, etc right now
16. I am not going to change the way I feel, why don't you move out and file for divorce
17. The children will learn to love the OP like I do
18. I can't help myself
19. Nothing you do will ever make me love you "that way" again
20. My happiness has to be my number one priority
21. I will DEFINITELY divorce you if you expose to anyone or confront the OP
22. You never listened to me BEFORE now; quit acting like you hear me NOW! Over the past 20 months (most of which I spent in denial and Plan A), my WW used everything except #s 3, 12, 16, 17, 18, 19 and 21. Given that we are in Plan B now (and I think she's going Plan D), I expect she's thinking she wants to say the remaining 7, too.
I'm not a complete idiot. There are parts missing.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 95
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 95 |
Apparently, OM is considering legal action related to libel/slander as well as having the police serve me with a criminal trespass warning if I step inside a facility where karate classes/events are held.
Anyone have experience with the former? I'm not real concerned about the latter as I was not intending be anywhere near those events.
I'm not a complete idiot. There are parts missing.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888 |
"Truth is an absolute defense in slander/libel cases."
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 193
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 193 |
Apparently, OM is considering legal action related to libel/slander as well as having the police serve me with a criminal trespass warning if I step inside a facility where karate classes/events are held. I'm no lawyer and have no experience with slander. But. . . I suspect that if he was actually going to take legal action, he would have done it immediately to punish you and shut you up before you did more damage to his reputation. Because that's why we punish slander--it can do a lot of damage and it's a lie. He can't very well do that if what you say isn't a lie, can he? But he can bluster and threaten and hope you will get scared and stop. He is a fighter, after all and understands overcoming his enemy with psychological tactics. Whenever your enemy begins screaming and threatening and huffing and puffing, he is telling you in big bold letters just what it is that is hurting him the most. Get a lawyer or look up the laws on slander/libel so you are informed, but definitely keep putting the exposure screws to him because he really hates it, doesn't he?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Apparently, OM is considering legal action related to libel/slander as well as having the police serve me with a criminal trespass warning if I step inside a facility where karate classes/events are held. That is so cute!  Sounds like your exposures have a hit a major target!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
"he would have done it immediately to punish you and shut you up before you did more damage to his reputation. Because that's why we punish slander--it can do a lot of damage and it's a lie. He can't very well do that if what you say isn't a lie, can he? But he can bluster and threaten and hope you will get scared and stop. He is a fighter, after all and understands overcoming his enemy with psychological tactics."
Exactly.
"Whenever your enemy begins screaming and threatening and huffing and puffing, he is telling you in big bold letters just what it is that is hurting him the most."
Can't improve on this.
OM's response is proof how effective eposure is at hurting an affair. As iodine on a cut.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
p.s. Tell him you would love to get his ADULTERY on record in a COURT PROCEEDING. That way you can call witnesses and bring evidence!  Maybe the local PRESS could get wind of it too! That would SWEETEN the exposure even more!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 95
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 95 |
Looks like being on the side of truth should be enough: "Truth" is an absolute defense against defamation. Consequently, a plaintiff has to provide convincing evidence of a defamatory statement's falsity in order to prove defamation.
The law does not require that a statement must be perfectly accurate in every conceivable way to be considered "true." Courts have said that some false statements must be protected for the wider purpose of allowing the dissemination of truthful speech. The resulting doctrine is known as "substantial truth." Under the substantial truth doctrine, minor factual inaccuracies will be ignored so long as the inaccuracies do not materially alter the substance or impact of what is being communicated. In other words, only the "gist" or "sting" of a statement must be correct.
The substantial truth defense is particularly powerful because a judge will often grant summary judgment in favor of a defendant (thus disposing of the case before it goes to trial) if the defendant can show that the statement the plaintiff is complaining about is substantially true, making the defense a quick and relatively easy way to get out of a long (and potentially expensive) defamation case.
I'm not a complete idiot. There are parts missing.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
378
guests, and
102
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,525
Members72,044
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
