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Had a nice conversation w/ WH tonight on the phone. When he asked if daughter wanted to talk, she said no. He asked why (for the first time) and I told him what she had told me that it is just too sad for her to talk to him on the phone because daddy left her. WH not sure how to respond. After a few uncomfortable seconds, I picked up the conversation again because I didn't want it to end on a negative. Told him about my eval from my university supervisor on my student teaching (2 back to back days with no time to practice or truly implement corrections/suggestions) and told him that they went well, better than expected. Thought I would give him a positive.

We talked about how busy they have been at the station and what all they had going on. I thanked him for the help that he gave me today with the directions getting to the schools and just general chit chat about all things that I have going on (did not break down or say ILY to him). I ended the conversation after a little while because it was starting to sound like we were both forcing a little to come up with things to talk about, but instead of saying something snotty like I have done recently, I said that it sounded like he had some things he was wanting to do so I would let him go so he could get them done. He said he was going to try and get to bed early so he had to go make his bed up and get a couple things done. I politely told him to have a good evening and I would see him in the morning. No ILY tonight which I think caught him a little off guard.

Any suggestions for tomorrow night for plan A since we have a school event for our son would be appreciated because I have to leave the house prepared since he may get back home first. Thanks for the support. I have officially checked insurance for IC and received referrals. Checking tonight to see if in network or not so I can continue to look if necessary.

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Any plan A suggestions???


Take a lot of family photos.
Be sure you are standing near H in the photos.

Wear something unexpected.
A bright colour.
Have yourself dolled up lashes & smelling great!

Smile a lot.
Lots of eye contact.
Touch him.



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How bout suggesting take out and picking it up on the way home for a little family celebration. Touch his hand or arm occasionally, smile alot but hold back on the ILYs indefinately.Keep him guessing.

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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Thanks for the suggestions. It makes me feel like even before finding this site I did something good when we went to our son's first band concert a couple weeks after he left. I dressed up, sat close to him, and kept my hand on his arm or leg throughout the concert. At that time, I couldn't get him to make eye contact with me, but the other day he did make eye contact. I will continue to try to make eye contact and touch him as much as possible. I will smile a lot keep waiting for the ILY's for a little while.

After our daughter refused to talk to him on the phone and I was able to tell him why, he sounded a little defeated and sad. I was not happy about this, but I am hoping that if this makes him feel a little guilty, maybe he would at least move back into the house for the kids and that would give me a better chance to keep implementing plan A and be more effective than when we only have a few minutes each day to do it. Is it OK for me to be a little happy that he felt possibly guilty, defeated, and sad???

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Absolutely, Prayerful. Just like it would be hard not to feel a little bit happy if OW got run over by a snowplow. smile

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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Funny you say that about a snowplow, because my husband plows snow for some of the other fire fighters at the station on his days off when he is needed. Wouldn't it be funny for him to be the one to accidentally run her over!!!! rotflmao Sorry couldn't help but finally laugh for once!

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I haven't truly laughed or smiled in a month and a half. After a couple minutes of laughing about the snowplow comment, I have a horrible migraine. I think all night I will think of that comment/response and get a good little chuckle out of each time. Maybe need to stock up on the Tylenol cause my body is reacting negatively to smiles and laughter.

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Just like it would be hard not to feel a little bit happy if OW got run over by a snowplow. smile
Thanks Say... that got me too... rotflmao

Prayerful...Just stopped by to tell you you are doing GREAT!!
You're a quick learner... I KNOW this is hard...but:

YOU CAN DO THIS... hurray

About tomorrow... lots of good things have already been said... as a man I totally agree with the touching...and the photos... (then send or give him copies)

I would add if you have a "Pet Name" for him use it.. Like... HON... or Sugar.. or whatever you might call him under "Normal" circumstances.. I know you're withholding ILYs right now but a Love Ya Hon couldn't hurt... in other words.. you probably didn't stare into his eyes before he left and probably didn't tell him you loved him every conversation you had... but you might have said something like Love Ya...looking to trigger normalcy in that wayward brain wink

and complement him... I never knew a man that didn't like to be admired...Tell him how glad you are he came and what a good father he is because he came.

Well... I'll be praying for you guys... GOoD LUck.. Frank

.



It’s not the absence of trials that determines our happiness
Its the absence or presence of God
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OK! Well I looked good tonight for him in a shirt I hadn't been able to wear for a while and a longer tight fitting skirt. Tried to touch his arm, back, and hand periodically throughout the night (which he did try to pull away from me trying to hold it, but let me touch it). Made eye contact with him. Talked, laughed, and tried to genuinely be pleasant to be around. lashes

Now I am at home ready to fall apart because he headed back to OW's house. cry He did dress up for this evening when he would normally wear jeans and a polo shirt, but he had also come from an interview several hours earlier. He picked the kids up instead of just meeting us at the school since I was coming home from work late.

I asked him what was wrong because he looked tired or something. His comment was, "just another day in paradise", but it was not a sincere comment. sigh

Today I sent him a text, first asking if he was busy, then telling him I was just hoping he had a great day (and added sweetheart to the end of it with a winking smiley), and for the first time, he responded back with "you too". It was actually a response, which he normally doesn't do no matter what I send unless it is a question.

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WS actually just sent me a text asking a non-sense question about something I know he doesn't care about.

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Well, kids are in bed and am starting to have one of those nights where I want to call him up and say, "Get your BUTT back home NOW!!!!!!!!!" Gonna go take my shower, cry my eyes out, and then, don't know what to do after that.

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Pray, read, post, whatever you need to do to keep busy.

If you haven't texted him much today, this might be the time for ~one~ flirty text. Maybe something like "thinking of u 2nite & got all hot wink ".

You don't have to get totally graphic to be a bit naughty. However, maybe once in a great while toss in something explicit and totally out of character for you. You can be more sexually aggressive (within reason of course) than you have been in the past, and still not betray who you are.

Sexual drives of husbands and wives for each other is a beautiful gift from God, and not only is there nothing wrong with reveling in it, that is His ideal plan. And since SF is typically such an important need for men, showing him that you're willing and able to meet it is a very important part of Plan A.

It's possible to meet this need well enough even without actually having SF with a WS. The WS just needs to know that they are desirable and desired, and that the BS is ready, willing, and able to join with them and meet that need with enthusiasm and to the benefit of both. Don't be shy in using words to tell WH of your desires, just don't overwhelm him with a flood, either. wink

This has two effects: one is, as mentioned above, becoming more open in reaching out to him sexually. The other reason is that every naughty or flirty thing you say will be one more secret between him and OW, and some of them will stick in his head and pop up at inconvenient moments. *evil laughter*

When you go into Plan B, he will miss your texts and little notes in spite of himself.



A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Well, just talked with MIL on the phone for about 20 minutes crying my eyes and heart out to her. Amazing how supportive she is being with really having had no relation prior to all of this. He has to face them and talk with them on Saturday. Should be interesting. Told her that DD is refusing to talk with WH on the phone and when he finally asked why she wouldn't talk, I told him that she said it made her too sad. MIL and I are hoping that the guilt will at least make him want to come home for the kids sake and then I can really work plan A.

Used a nickname in a text that I sent from a show we used to love to watch, "Are You Being Served?" There was a show called "Sexy Knickers" and we joked about that for a long time. I included that in one of my texts. I used to have a client that I worked with who couldn't say my name and would always call me "Wannie" instead of my name. I figured, since he used to call me that as an inside joke, I might end a text to him with using that name. He would usually call me that and then poke me in the side or tickle me (and I am very ticklish, but touch my feet and your own life is in your hands because I CANNOT stand my feet to be touched).

OK, the phone call with MIL put me behind and have yet to get my shower. WH has to come over early in the morning to get the kids ready because I have to be at a school observation early, so I need to be as close to being done as possible when he gets here. Going to try to get my shower and get to bed soon, but will probably be back on here before I go to sleep (not doing much still these days).

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I am glad that you were able to open up a bit more in the texts.

You are showing some remarkable strength. I don't know if I would have been able to handle what you have.

I don't have much to put in in the way of advice to you that you haven't already been given. I will show you that I am lurking and I give you my support. Have you read my thread? It is long and some of it is silly. Maybe if you are ever really bored, you may find some things in there interesting and useful for your own situation.

Keep your chin up.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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I have read your thread and have taken a lot from it, both serious and fun. I hope things will work out for you the way you want. I don't think I have made it all the way through, but have read most of it. I am spending way too much time on here and not getting other stuff done that I really need to. Thanks for letting me know that you are reading my story and your support. I am wearing down quickly and finding it hard sometimes to keep things up. Hoping this Saturday with him and his family will smack him upside his head and clear some of his fog along with our daughter not wanting to talk to him except when he is actually here. Thanks for the praise for strength, hope I can keep it up!

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My son told me last night, and then I asked him a couple more questions early this morning, that WH asked him if he was able to text on his phone. When I asked him this morning when he asked, he told me that he asked a couple days ago to see if he could text him before he went to bed each night. I am wondering if he is doing this because he misses him, concerned about my break downs (which I think my son maybe told him about and maybe told him about me going to find a counselor for my breakdowns) at night and on Saturday evenings and Sundays.

I know I am probably over analyzing things. My son was asking questions about me getting a counselor, if I had found one yet or not and if I was going, and I am also wondering if this is because WH is asking him about this. I am hoping that he is, no matter what his reason, because maybe it is a good sign. I am being honest with my son because maybe he is passing information to WH that will help. I don't think it could hurt just yet.

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Chances are quite good that your WH will want to come home. Chances are pretty slim that a single incident, like a family get-together, will bring about his aha moment. I want you to have hope, and I want it to be realistic. A quick end to all this would be a happy surprise - still it's much more likely to drag out a while.

You're so tired and stressed that I don't think you have a very long Plan A in you, however if you take good care of yourself, make a plan, and stick to it, you can probably hang on long enough to do a very good one.

Although the decision to go into Plan B has to be based on the BS's mental state and well-being, it's ideal if, on the WS's end it's ideal if they're firmly planted on the fence.

At first, while the A still looks sparkly and new, they're firmly set towards the OW. As it wears on and the waffling sets in, they also lean toward the BS at times, too. (And typically get a lot more unpleasant to be around.)

When a WS is ripe to have Plan B sprung on them, they are gorging themselves on BS cake but not willing to give up the OW cake, either.

The point being, that if you're able to push on a bit longer, I'd like to see your WH re-attach a bit more before you go into B. That said, you are the most important factor to consider. If it comes down to it, it's far better to go into Plan B a bit early than to hold on too long, lovebust all over the place, and ruin the hard work you've already put in.

Great job so far in taking advantage of the contact opportunities you've had.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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There are times that I am not sure about whether I can keep a plan A up or not, but I have made the choice to keep sticking it out with the support of this board and my IL's. Saturday will be a big day for him as he has to go face his family. As far as he knows, only his dad is aware of the situation, but I have been talking with my MIL and SIL regularly.

Talked for a little tonight and was able to sit down next to him. The kids were playing a video game and he was watching. I sat down on the floor because there was no more room on the futon and placed my hand next to his while he was petting my parents' dog that I am watching for a few days. I then put my hand on his leg for a few minutes. He seems quite tired and maybe a little frustrated. Our daughter did her normal cry and beg daddy not to go. He said remember what we talked about. I asked her, after WH was gone,about what WH says and she says he says that he doesn't want to leave either. She said she couldn't remember the rest (and since she is only 7 and very emotional, I believe that she probably doesn't).

Finally set up first IC session for Saturday (if insurance goes through). Couldn't even leave the initial message without crying and then when I talked with her, of course, broke down too. I think the one question that I'm tired of hearing is "Are you going to do anything to yourself?" I openly admit that at one point I had considered it, but I'm not at that point now. We'll see how it goes. This is the same day that WH and kids will be at IL's house for the day. Don't know.

I am up for continuing plan A with the support that I have started and hopefully IC will assist with focused mental state. This week is probably also hard because I am transitioning schools for student teaching and kind of feel a little extra stress with that. Nice thing is that I observed at that school today. Loved the teacher I will be with, love the aides that work with her, actually will have a class to teach instead of 1:1 or 1:2 small groups. The struggle with this placement will be that it is middle school kids (need to brush up on 7th and 8th grade math and language arts) and they are not always the easiest age, most of them are boys, and many have emotional/behavior problems along with their special education placements. Really am looking forward to this challenge as I think I can see myself doing that on a regular basis. The nice thing is that the teacher I am working with has not been all that long out of having to do some of the stuff I am doing and is willing to help, where the other one said do whatever you think. Lot's of help!

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Did you get the ho's address yet?

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Yes and am working on finding out as much as I can.

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