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#2328759 02/24/10 04:46 PM
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My husband had an affair last summer with a colleague. They still work together. We have both been working very hard to make this work. This week the other woman got engaged to her new boyfriend. This has really upset me - i feel bitter and resentful of her happiness and the fact that she is able to seamlessly move on with her life while i feel that i am stuck trying to resolve the mess she left me in. I am further confused by the strength of my hatred towards her when it was my husband who betrayed me not her. It makes me questin my decision to stay with him and i have been consumed with sadness and feelings along the lines of just wanting it all to go away and leave my husband and go home to england and start again without him. I'm pretty certain that this is no what i want but find that i have dramatic mood swings and get myself quite hysterical sometimes and just don know what to do. I would like to know if anyone else has had similar experiences wth the other person moving on and how you overcame these issues.
THank you - i wish you all good things xxx

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My husband had an affair last summer with a colleague. They still work together.

Its no wonder that you are affected by OW's life she is still part of yours. Part of what makes my recovery possible is that OW is no longer in OUR lives. Until you remove her from your life your M and R will continue to be affected by hers.
That being said if its not possible to remove her from your life then plan B is for you to evalute why she you are allowing your happiness to be decided based on hers.


NOt to oversimplyfy but it really is no differnt than if you see some one with a larger home then yours does that make you sad sad and hate your own?

If its OK with you that your FWW can move on and find happiness and recover from his mistakes why is it not Ok for her?

I am not trying to be harsh here I feel your pain I am trying to help you see that having an OW lingering around in your life would cause the pain and sadness you are having. Either you have to find a way to have your H and her not be co-workers so that you can once and for all close that chapter of your life. Until and unless that happens you are going to have work double hard at NOT ALLOWING her life circumstances influnce your happiness.




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Pea, welcome to MB.

You might want to click on "Notify" at the bottom of your post and ask them to move it to the "Surviving an Affair" board where there is much more activity to help you. You will get help fro many people who have been through what you have. Your reactions are totally normal under the circumstances, but there is hope for your M.

In the meantime, please post how long you've been M, any children, age, etc. Also, read the free information on this site.

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Originally Posted by pea123
My husband had an affair last summer with a colleague. They still work together. We have both been working very hard to make this work. This week the other woman got engaged to her new boyfriend. This has really upset me - i feel bitter and resentful of her happiness and the fact that she is able to seamlessly move on with her life while i feel that i am stuck trying to resolve the mess she left me in. I am further confused by the strength of my hatred towards her when it was my husband who betrayed me not her. It makes me questin my decision to stay with him and i have been consumed with sadness and feelings along the lines of just wanting it all to go away and leave my husband and go home to england and start again without him. I'm pretty certain that this is no what i want but find that i have dramatic mood swings and get myself quite hysterical sometimes and just don know what to do. I would like to know if anyone else has had similar experiences wth the other person moving on and how you overcame these issues.
THank you - i wish you all good things xxx

I've got some questions, pea - how long was the affair (A)? How did it end? Do you have children together? Is your WH truly working on recovery (R)? What have you been doing to recover your marriage (M)? What were the conditions surrounding the A? Filling in a little background will be helpful for us.

Just a few things:
1. Recovery (R) is much more difficult if the affair partners continue to work together.
2. It is easier for you to blame the other woman (OW). That's often the reaction of a betrayed spouse (BS). It's how you can emotionally accept that you trusted someone who cruelly violated your trust. Your wayward husband (WH) and the OW share equally in the A. You must remember this, because putting all the blame on OW removes it from your WH. He needs to own his share of the blame so that the two of you can work together to identify the conditions that made the A possible in the first place.
3. You don't know that the OW is moving along blissfully through life. You're assuming that, based on a happy-sounding event in her life (the engagement). You are not helping yourself in R if you dwell on the OW and her perceived happiness. Which, of course, takes us back to
1. R is much more difficult if the two of them continue to work together. Is there no way for your WH to work somewhere else? I know that sounds drastic - A's create drastic circumstances. Your WH needs to find a new job.


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I am so sorry that you find yourself in this sad situation, Pea. You have found a very good place to help you resolve these issues, though. Read all that you can on this site including other threads. The experience of others who have successfully maneuvered through the minefield that is adultery and the wreckage that it causes is invaluable.

I am assuming that OW's boyfriend was in the picture at the time of the A. Did you expose to him? He may not like the idea of his new W working with her A partner either.

God's Blessings,

Say


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Thank you for reading my post - i am so pleased to have found this website and the forum

ImStaying - thankyou for the advice, i have requested that this thread is moved. In answer to your other questions - my husband and i are both 31, we have been together 8years and married 3. He had his affair a couple of months before our 3rd anniversary, 5 months after we moved from London, UK to Miami, FL with his work. No children (one cat!)

wannamoveforward - your words echo exactly what my father said to me yesterday. In fact he said that i should be thrilled that she was moving on because it signallled that she is no longer a threat. She never really was a threat (he never wanted to leave me to be with her - he wanted to leave me and then she appeared but he never saw her as a long term prospect, more as a convenient ego boost- nice). Nonetheless, i have been trying to see this development in a positive light. One good thing that might come out of this which i discoverd last night is that OW might leave Florida- her fiancee lives in Colorado and it seems likely that she'll go. This would be really good - the only other alternative is for us to leave Miami and go back to London which we are reluctant to do and is the reason we have stayed so long.
I am generally positive and sometimes almost almost in a strange way grateful that this happened, it prompted us to get therapy and address other deep reaching problems and i do beleive that we are mostly better and stronger for it. ...... but then i remember what he did and i feel so crushed and sad about it all and then i get confused about my future with my husband and then the thoughts of her merrily carrying on with her life eat away at me. I know this is not healthy but i dont know what to do to stop it. My therapist has recommended that i get some medication so i am seeing someone soon even though i'd rather not

Their office is really near our house - i saw her having lunch when i was walking home one day and i thought i was going to collapse, couldnt breathe, shaking, heart pounding. I dont think she saw me and i walked on home. i find this proximity stifling and so so hard to deal with - i find myself in the checkout line in target glancing around afraid that she might appear, and i wonder about him seeing her every day. it's a small office - only 25people. It wasnt like this in the begining and seems to have only started receltnly in the last few weeks around the time that i saw her

My H said something to me about this being a delayed reaction and some emotions being unable to surface until later on - does this sound likely? Could this be why it is hitting me so hard?
Thank you so much xxx

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Originally Posted by pea123
I'm pretty certain that this is no what i want but find that i have dramatic mood swings and get myself quite hysterical sometimes and just don know what to do. I would like to know if anyone else has had similar experiences wth the other person moving on and how you overcame these issues.

pea, actually the OW has not moved on. Your H sees her every day at work. This is part of the reason you are not recovering. Your H cannot withdraw from the OW as long as he sees her every day at work. You cannot recover as you can see and must be filled with fear every day that he goes off to work to see the OW. Your marriage cannot recover like that. Doing so pretty much ensures that you are facing an on-again, off-again affair for years.

If you want to recover your marriage, then he needs to leave that job and end all contact for life. That is the FIRST STEP.

Secondly, the OW�s fianc� needs to know that his wife to be screws around with married men. Women who do this are a GREAT RISK and he has a RIGHT to know what he is getting into. If she has a facebook profile, you might be able to find out the name of her fianc� and send him an email telling him she had an affair with your husband. It would be the decent thing to do. Look at what Dr Harley says about women who have affairs with married men:

Quote
I am currently counseling three couples where the wife is having, or has had, numerous affairs during their marriage. In each case, they had at least one affair with a married man prior to their marriage. These couples now have children together, and the wife is still having affairs. You did not mention children, so I would assume that you don't have any yet. If you do have children, I would encourage you to do whatever possible to win her back, but if you do not, I would encourage a divorce. The three husbands that I am counseling will all tell you that trying to keep their marriage together has been the most painful experience of their lives.

The fact that you made love so infrequently after marriage is a huge red flag. Something is terribly wrong with your romantic relationship. And it stands next to the red flag of your wife having an affair with a married man prior to your marriage. Her secretive and sexual texting with the man she works with, combined with these other factors tells me that if you continue with this woman, the pattern is likely to continue throughout your marriage. You'll never be able to trust her.

Under the circumstances, I'd go ahead with your plan to confront your wife and her new lover, and then ask her to make a decision. If she wants to remain married to you, she must agree to never be apart from you overnight. You should immediately move to Texas to live with her, and find a job there, even if it means leaving your home in Michigan vacant. If she can't decide, get a divorce. While I'm sure that you are in love with her, you happen to have married a woman who is much more likely to have an affair than most other women, and that will make you worry about her relationship with other men throughout your lives together, even if she enthusiastically welcomes you back now.

Sorry to be so pessimistic, but I know how much effort you would have to put into this marriage to keep it together, and in the end she will probably divorce you anyway.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Hi saynomore
the OW fiancee is a new development. At the time of my husbands and her affair she was attached to someone else, she called him her fiancee but there had been no proposal. SHe moved to Miami and he followed 6 months after - during the affair. she broke up with him and told my husband. I suspect she wanted him to leave me so that they could be together but he didn't want this. Sometime since - it's only been 7 months she found this new guy and now they are getting married. I think this is what hurts - that her relationship and marriage will be untarnished by this event which has scarred my life. I feel envious of her wiping the slate down and starting afresh. Does that make sense, or am i being self indulgent?
Thank you xx

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Originally Posted by pea123
My H said something to me about this being a delayed reaction and some emotions being unable to surface until later on - does this sound likely? Could this be why it is hitting me so hard?
Thank you so much xxx

Pea, what you are going through is an extremely traumatic event. You've got to understand that - many people have said that their spouse's A was worse than the death of a child or rape, do you know that? That's how bad it is, what you're going through. Your emotions are going to be all over the place as you deal with this. Consider seeing your doctor for medication to help you - many survivors of A's have to deal with PTSD and the emotions that come with it, and find anti-depressants to be helpful.

Continued exposure to OW is not going to be helpful in the healing process. Is there any way your H can transfer to another department and be completely physically removed from OW? That should be done at the minimum.

It is not unusual at all for recovering couples to have to move to another job or state in order to ensure that you are no longer exposed to OW and the continued reminders that her presence brings to you.

Please read the articles on this site to familiarize yourself with the issues surrounding your WH's A.


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pea, I will just reiterate a basic fact about recovery from adultery: recovery is IMPOSSIBLE unless all contact between the affairees is ended. IMPOSSIBLE. Believing otherwise is to imagine that an alcoholic can sober up simply by changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and continuing to go to the bar every day.

I have never met an alcoholic who sobered up while drinking and I have never met a person who recovered their marriage while the affairees continued to see each other. But I can point to COUNTLESS affairs that continued for years and years because they ignored this step. The poor BS died a death of a thousand cuts. This is your future if he doesn't leave that job.

The fact that the OW is engaged means absolutely nothing. This is a woman who is faithless and has no respect for marriage, much less an engagement commitment. Being engaged does not mean she will magically act with honor.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by pea123
My H said something to me about this being a delayed reaction and some emotions being unable to surface until later on - does this sound likely? Could this be why it is hitting me so hard?
Thank you so much xxx

No, it is not a delayed reaction. It is a CURRENT reaction to a REAL EXISTING THREAT. The threat is not POST, it is PRESENT. The OW is a CURRENT THREAT and you are reacting.

If he won't end contact with the OW, this will get worse, not better. Dr Harely recommends PLAN B when the WS won't end contact.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through he11. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Oh Pea! ((Pea))

My H only still works in the same city as OW, I don't know that I wouldn't have gone postal if they still worked together. (H was her boss.)

I was already taking genaric Welbutrin when the A started, taking 300mg, the highest dose you can get in one pill. I went and my Doc bumped me up, not one step, which would be 350mg I think, but to 450mg when I told him the situation.

I have to say I fully beleive that my 'happy pills' kept me functional throughout the A and even now. My up moods far outweigh my down and I'm better able to cope with the hurt I do feel. It doesn't stop you from feeling it, but it does keep you optimistic and lets you see through the pain to help figure out a way to heal it. Does that make sense?

I've been on them since Dec. 2006. At first I was resentful that I had to take a pill to be normal when everyone else didn't. I hated the fact that my brain was broken and couldn't keep my hormones in check. But why should it be viewed any different than someone with diabetes that has to take a shot everyday? It shouldn't and I realised that and have made peace with my pills.

You should think of it in kind of a similar way. You won't be taking them because you HAVE to. You'd be taking them to HELP you. Think of it like a cast you'd wear for a broken leg. This is a crutch to help your broken heart. And just like a cast or a crutch, you don't have to have them, but you'll heal faster and better with their help.

I wish you the best and lots of hugs. Oh, and I have 3 cats and they are the best. smile


-= Phoenix
I am BW-25
WH-27
Married since 7/07
A from 1/09-7/09

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Hi everyone
Thank you all for your advice, i'm rather overwhelmed by the response. Our circumstances do not allow that he leaves his job unless we return to the UK and although this is in our plan, short term we cant do anything rash. He is looking for a job back in london and we talk about returning but i dont think it will happen 'tomorrow'.

I discovered the affair after seeing an email notification from her on his computer. i didnt see the email but asked him who she was and after lots of denial he admitted kissing her. I left the next day back to london. I came back and we went to therapy twice and a 12day 'holiday' before he finally admitted that they had been sleeping togfether as well. It almost came as a releif to finally have the truth and not have the missing pieces eat away at me anymore. It began with what he says was intendes as a one night stand but developed into and email relationship and then one other time that the slept together. All in all just under a month. He tells me now that he cant beleive that he was so stupid and he never wanted to be with her, just that it was easy and he needed an ego boost. I think she was the one who dragged it on more than him and he was weak and didnt try to resist. When i went back to london after the discovery i knowthat she she still trying to see him, offered him no strings sex several times, and would call/text him from nightclubs when she was drunk and all this he resisted. I trust him on this. At the time that the A was going he has said that he thought he was falling for her but now that he looks back he says this is not right and can see now that he was not, that he was confused and depressed.

A bit of background: We had been having trouble in our relationship for a while not so much with each other but with other circumstances - my mother was diagnosed with PSP shortly after our marriage (2months) and shortly after that decided to end her life. THis was heartwrenching but we knew what she wanted and eventually supported her decision. THe recovery from this was very difficult and my health sufferend considerably from the stress it all caused. Shortly after i began to feel my life was getting back on track we moved to Miami. I found it very lonely with him working super hard and me not having a work permit and being away from my friends.

At the same time my husbands relationship with his parents was deteriorating, he was/is uncertain about his chosen career even though he is very good and successful at what he is doing and found me to be a burden with my health and emotional issues. THough all my mothers illness and death he had been an absolute rock to me and i have not doubt that i would have been unable to continue through it all without his support.

The move over here brought us extra strain and stress and he withdrew into a depression. After he finally came clean about the A, he said that he did not want to be with me and wanted to cut all ties with his familiy and start again. I remember looking at him and telling him that HE was not talking to me but someone/thing else was. THis was the turning point when we decided to make it work. He was reluctant at first to give me the support and reassurance that i needed. He was diagnosed with depression and has been seeing his own therapist as well as our couples one.

One other thing about his job - there is a possibility of an office opening in Atlanta but this may not happen. Basically these are our options - get a job back in london, wait for the office in atlanta to open if it does, hope and pray (pray with me please!) that the OW moves to colorado (my favourite option), or continue on as is (my least favourite option). The reason i am reluctant for us to jump on a plane back to london is that firstly we need to ensure employment first which we are trying to do, second I know from experince now that i do not handle stress well and am afraid that a transatlatic move could backfire on us emotionally. We are doing well day to day and seeing our therapist and making progress i feel. i think maybe i am afraid to 'rock the boat'. Pray pray pray that she goes.

In recently months i think he has been a model WH in recovery - he reads my book with me (you, himandthe other woman) he tells me significant information (like about her engagement), he comforts me, and i we are falling in love again. He is remorseful (finally) and tells me of his great regret over his affair. His parents are visiting us at the moment and he told them about his affair which i am taking as a major sign that he wants to make our relationship work and is confident that we can. He has previously never really been honest or had a real heart to heart converstaion with them in his ENTIRE life, so this really is a major step. He also told his colleague who i am friendly with about it just weeks after the discovery to protect me. He maintains that he never wanted to leave me FOR he and that he feels 'nothing' when he sees her in the office or has to deal with her on work things. Most of the time I beleive him - not just because i want to but because of what i see and feel - also becaue Jenny my friend who works there would tell me if anything suspect was happening. He is committed in his words and actions to me and our relationship.

I understand the conundrum caused by blaming and hating her and this is where i get confused. After all she never promised to love me and honour me but HE DID. How do i over come this?

I take on board the point about exposing the affair to her new fiancee, but (maybe because i'm british?) i dont feel it's my place to do so. I do know his name from facebook but i want just stay out of it and have as little to do with her as i possibly can. I also worry about ruining someone's 'happy moment' with something so negative and technically in the past.

Thank you for the advice about 'happy pills'. I swing from desperatly wantintg them and not wanting them. I took medication in the run up to and after my mothers death so i know it can help and after reading your post Phoenix, i'm uncertain why i have been resisting....? Your right, they are they to help me and this is the way i should be thinking about it.

I am going to read about Plan B now

Thank you ALL - this forum is a great comfort x


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He is remorseful (finally) and tells me of his great regret over his affair. His parents are visiting us at the moment and he told them about his affair which i am taking as a major sign that he wants to make our relationship work and is confident that we can. He has previously never really been honest or had a real heart to heart converstaion with them in his ENTIRE life, so this really is a major step. He also told his colleague who i am friendly with about it just weeks after the discovery to protect me.
hurray Good for you , these to me are signs that your Wh is working towards earning the F and becoming a Fwh.

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I take on board the point about exposing the affair to her new fiancee, but (maybe because i'm british?) i dont feel it's my place to do so. I do know his name from facebook but i want just stay out of it and have as little to do with her as i possibly can. I also worry about ruining someone's 'happy moment' with something so negative and technically in the past.

I am not british but I am with you on staying away from the exposure to the new man. People have to learn their own lessons in life and if there is a kram bus you can be driving it for her. Focus on removing her from your life not adding. No Contact NC is sort a requiremnet for both the WS and the BS IMHO. I would be involved with the exposure IF and only IF my DH was STILL involved with continuing the A. Once HE has excluded her from our her life I need to make sure I dont bring her back into ours in any way.
I am glad you found MB and the support you need to heal thru this. You are not alone there are many here who have walked the path you are walking and come on whole on the other side. You can and will too. Just pay close attention to what the vets here are saying and FOLLOW thru.


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Originally Posted by pea123
Thank you all for your advice, i'm rather overwhelmed by the response. Our circumstances do not allow that he leaves his job unless we return to the UK and although this is in our plan, short term we cant do anything rash. He is looking for a job back in london and we talk about returning but i dont think it will happen 'tomorrow'.

I can understand. It is hard to make such changes. Just as long as you understand that your marriage can't ever recover this way and your pain will not go away until the conditions change. You are likely facing an on-again, off-again affair until he does leave that job. But please don�t wait too long. Women have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder from living this way. It is not easy watching a wayward spouse go off to work every day to see his lover knowing he will be triggered every time he sees her.

I would definitely recommend getting some heavy anti-d�s and perhaps tranquilizers to help you endure the pain until the situation changes.

Quote
I take on board the point about exposing the affair to her new fiancee, but (maybe because i'm british?) i dont feel it's my place to do so. I do know his name from facebook but i want just stay out of it and have as little to do with her as i possibly can. I also worry about ruining someone's 'happy moment' with something so negative and technically in the past.

But wouldn�t you be ruining his �happy moment� by not telling him the truth about what he is facing? Isn�t it the place of anyone who knows to warn him of what he faces?

Her character is not in the past. It is in the present, it is part of who she is and he likely doesn�t know the truth about who he is marrying. If you knew someone was marrying a child molester, wouldn�t you feel obliged to warn this person as a humanitarian act? It is the same with this situation. This poor man is getting ready to make a life wrecking decision based on his illusions about his fianc�. He doesn�t know that he is getting ready to wreck his life by marrying someone who is very high risk.

Not only that, but how will he know that he needs to protect himself from your husband if he doesn�t know? Your husband is a threat to him and he doesn�t know. Giving him the facts allows him to protect himself. That is simply the decent, good Samaritan way to behave.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Dear Pea:

First, sorry you are here. Sorry any of us are. the vets are weighing in and are right about everything. i am sorry for your continued pain. in answer to your question, yes, there are times, less and less, as WH and I get healthier, that I was devestated, angry, sad at the seemingly effortess way OW life continued while everything around mine crumbled.

WH and OW worked together, she was 20 years younger than him and married for a hot year. Us, 25 years. I knew her and her husband, not well, but had met them both. I was devestated when husband camed to me ILYBNILWY. after finding out what was going on, i plan A'd him, not realizing that's what i was doing, i did not find this site until june, and this happened DD in april.

i did alot of things right, but also tons of things wrong. number one thing wrong, without a doubt, i did not expose. by the time i found this site, EA was not-active, seemingly over, she had left the job(got fired)YEAH, sporadic contact remained until he continued to see me fall apart, finally in Nov, NC was sent and i have yet to catch anymore contact.

She lives in another state with her husband and sometimes i feel that she got to move on with no reprecussions because as far as i know, no one who knows her knows about her and my husband, no one that knows us knows about the A. thus a very lonely way to face recovery.

i never saw her again after finding out about EA, i have been counselled on this site to stop looking at FB, MySpace, stop finding her. they are right. she needs to be out of my head, life, recovery. i give her way to much power and time. and yes hate ensues, for her and WS. i find that when i focus on her, feelings for him are hard. yet, when i focus on him, feelings for her are non-existent.

i sympathise with you. i cant imagine how hard it would be to worry every day that he sees her, or you see her. recovery will be made that much more difficult.

listen to the vets, they know what they are talking about. had i done everything that was suggested, i would have atleast had a great support system when things around me seemed to falter.
"Where two or more are gathered".


Me:BS-47
Him:WH-45
married 25 yrs
DD:22:married Dec 09
DS:20
DS:17
EA:Feb 09-May 09
Contact thru Sept.09
Nc in place Nov 09
trying to recover since then
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Hey pea123. I am a WW (working on earning the title of FWW). I can weigh in on the issue of exposure and working with the OP.

First of all, exposure is CRITICAL. You and your H should definitely speak to the OW's fiance. Even though the OW might not technically be a threat to you and your H right now, it will be a good bit of info for the probably uninformed fiancee plus it will be a show of solidarity for you and H. The more you two come clean, the better.

Second, the job issue . . . . I curerntly work in the same location as my H and OM. I am starting a new job in 2-3 weeks so I can continue having NC with OM. I have been able to have NC with OM becasue I work in an extremely large location and can use EP's (extraordinary precaustions) to avoid OM. If your H's location has only 25 people, that will be really hard. Has he outlined EP's to you to avoid her until he can move on (or she can move to colorado)?


FWW me - 35, BH - 50, 5 kids total (blended fam)
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Pea, the OW's fiance needs to know what he is getting himself into by becoming engaged to a person who obviously has no qualms about flouting marital vows. It's not in the past - this is her current personality.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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sweetpea, if you decide to warn her poor fiance, I would not ask your husband to participate. That will cause more problems than it solves. Just tell him yourself and then tell your H afterwards.

The key thing to remember is that this will get worse and your marriage cannot recover unless all contact ends. Here is a post written by a former WW who continued working with her lover for some time. Her words describe the LEAST that can happen in such situations, in the typical situation, the affair resumes because the affair partners are triggered EVERY DAY:

Quote
No contact, lifechoice

Every time I read where a WS is still working with the AP I cringe because I know exactly where things are headed. I know I said this before, but I only worked 6 days a month and after I ended the A, of the 6, we maybe worked together 1 or 2. When I ended the A it brought relief and neither FOM nor I wanted the A any longer, but regardless I was hooked. Just seeing his car in the parking lot, his name on an work email, or anything related to him kept me hooked.

I never knew ahead of time if I was going to be working with him. If I pulled into the parking lot and saw his car I would feel happy and sad at the same time and if his car was not there I would feel relief and sad at the same time.

My therapist told me to journal and after I confessed the stuff in there just makes me shake my head. Now when I read the stuff I did, said, etc it makes me sick to my stomach. I honestly believed I was on my best behavior because we were not crossing any inappropriate lines or so we thought. Now I can "see" exactly what happened and how it fed my addiction to the A. All those "professional" conversations that had bits and pieces of non-professional idle chit chat, facial expressions, body language, the unnecessary walk-by's, the acknowleging everyone but him days, etc where so harmful. And then my poor H would get to hear all about it because I was being open and honest. I have no idea why he didn't leave me because of what I put him through.

In a sec I will add a snippet from my journal and a prime example of why FAP's cannot stay working together. I hadn't seen my FOM in who knows how long. Docp had recently asked for all the details of the A and I was a complete nervous wreck. When I got to work, FOM was there, I was having a really bad day and to top it off was exposed to TB by a patient. The TB deal was the straw that broke the camels back. I had a meltdown in my FOM's office and almost passed out. I asked him if I could sit for a second and that second of sitting lead to a conversation we never should have had.

We talked about Docp's and his W's reaction, how we all were coping, how stupid and weak we were etc, etc. Even sitting here now I remember the feeling I had and KNEW we should not have been having that conversation, but it was making me feel better when I felt like crap. What I didn't realize was I had just had a big dose fed to my addiction and the whole cycle started again.

Here is the snippet from my journal: (I changed names of course)

"It felt good to talk to him and clear a lot of this up. He even mentioned it was nice that we were able to talk and I feel like he meant it, not in an appropriate way, just a friendly way. (Ah, this from the person who has been avoiding talking to me forever) I felt like I was talking to my 'old friend" the way it was for years before we messed everything up. I told Docp about the whole conversation. He was ok with this conversation, but said he wouldn't be really happy if we started talking all the time. duh!!!!!! I just said I understand and didn't plan on talking to him about anything that wasn't work related."

OK, in all reality Docp was NOT OK with the conversation and told me he didn't care if I was going to faint or not I needed to crawl out of his office, not sit and chat with him. But in my happy place I honestly believed because I told Docp about the conversation it really was OK. I was completely delusional and thought because it made me feel so good, it HAD to be OK.

I had all this going on and I rarely saw my FOM, can you just imagine what is going on when people are seeing each other every day?

Anyway back to NC, I'm not sure if I simply missed it before, but it seems lately we have more who are willing to allow the WS to continue working with the AP and have a zillion and one excuses on why it's OK. I'm never surprised when they find out the A is still ongoing though because I could tell them the details of what is going on during the work day when the WS honestly feels they are on their best behavior.
here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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