W02,

You are way way too young for me to date even if I were available and I am not. You are definitely a young lady.

Get your H's tush to a doc and get the diabetes treated this is very very serious.

Oh, and the good news about being a young lady, is that eventually you will grow up to be a lady. NOW THAT is something to aspire to. Women get nowhere near their peak until 40-50, it is the optimum combination of looks, experience, and insight.


That is why we are all working with you so that when you reach being a lady, your H will be around to enjoy his lady.

God Bless,

JL

Hmm, look at this thread...lots of valuable info here. I started my journal last night and I am actually 5 pages into it. I have always been a writer and give me something that I will not have a writers block on and I have a hard time stopping. I just wish I could find "me" again. Since becoming a wife and mother, I have almost quit doing everything I once enjoyed.. writing, painting,and drawing. I almost feel I've lost my identity, but I'm not sure if I ever had it. What effect can this have on a marriage? I asked my hubby what I meant to him and he said I was a wife and mother. I asked a while back to write down the top 10 things that he likes about me and the number one thing was I was the mother of his children the number 10 thing were my "big boobs"(quoting him).
Question for women..do you try to be the best lover your spouse has ever had if he was married before? I have a tendency to be like that. I asked him if any ex ever asked him things like"what turns you on" and he said no. That just got me thinking, did they not really care about him?

Now, what exactly is a "lady". My moms version was basicly be a prude, wear skirts and dresses oh, and lets not forget to be a doormat. I know she says she isn't a doormat but, people have walked all over my mother so much you can see footprints in her forehead. Yes, I feel bad for her, she has had many lifetimes in her (she's gonna shoot me, but she should be proud of her age) 64 years.

W02,

What is a lady? Oh Man! this is complicated but I MUST give it a try. A lady is a woman that acts and moves with grace.
A lady is a woman that know who she is and what she is.
A lady is someone that is in tune with herself and her needs and in tune with those around her.
A lady is a lover, a friend, a supporter, a leader and she does all of these things with seemingly effortless ease. Yet, she works, prepares, plans, and executes to acheive her goals. One of which is to act with grace.

Finally, a Lady knows how to handle people while protecting herself and those she loves.



And NO his previous W's may not have been better, but even if they were, they were also women that abandoned him, making them much less than you.

Think about it.

JL

Try Proverbs 31. Read the whole thing


Also this Proverbs 12:4
"A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones."

You are willing to love your Hubby and learn how so you are on your way allready to becoming what he needs.

I hope he will come to this forum if he needs help in healing and doesn't try to "White-knuckle it" to much.

Get advice on how to proceed with that if he is willing.

I do love proverbs 31, but I don't completely understand it. Does anyone know that website about the Proverbs 31 woman? I do feel like I am the woman that is better not to live with most of the time. Will the info in "Surviving an Affair" give me more info on how to act better? I think I need to go back and read love busters on here again. It's a lot to take in....Any ideas on what respect looks like to a man? I think I have a hard time with that one.

I told him about the website a while ago when I first came to it and he wasn't interested...he said he doesn't like getting involved in things like this. He is a big believer of keeping things between us, but he seems to be ok with this since I am in a sense making my self look bad and therefore can still wallow in his pity. (yes he plays the pity card, of everyone cheats on him...not only his wives but he had a gf cheat and she still hounds him about once a year...she was a catch, she was cheating on her husband with him and would go to her husband during the day. Hubby didn't know she was married when he got involved with her. My poor hubby was an OM at one time...makes me wanna cry to think about what THAT must have been like)
I feel like I have discovered some things about myself and how to apply the book I ordered. I just need to look at all the As as one, I acted as though I was having an A with one, even though there was more than one and it wasn't a particular person. It was the addiction.

I didn't think you were better not to live with lol sorry. I felt proverbs 31 was something to aspire to accually. None are perfect.
Never saw the website.
Eventually when you are doing a good plan A hubby should respond to hope all is not lost and lose some of his gloom and doom attitude. Then if he gets into the books, He might wish to work on your relationship too here, or in counselling to a level better than before.

Hang in there W2

I was just meaning that I have a temper problem, a yelling problem, and a "going over the deep end" problem. I feel like I am the contentious women that a man is better to live without. I have a hard time with that because, well, we have a 2 yr old and a 7 yr old and they have both become understandibly clingy and it's getting next to me. Waking up several times a night...I'm not always firing on all cylinders in you know what I mean.

What is a good example of a good plan A?

Wait a minute, I think I just figured something out. SortedSomeOut said to W02 "when you are doing a good plan A hubby should respond..." I have never read about a wayward doing plan A. I have always read that plan A is a means for BS to stop the A. I keep reading about plan A and plan B as things that BS's enact to end the A and have wondered "so what is the plan for a WS who has ended A, is remorseful, and in NC to win back a BS who is moving to plan D?" I have thought of myself in plan Z, plan A played out from the point of the WS who has been abandoned.

W02, plan A has always been described as a BS being very pleasant and meeting all of the EN's of a WS in order to provide incentive for a WS to end the A and work on recovering M.

So, how should I do a plan A?

You don't. Plan A/B is not for your situation. You need to amend your H. Better question would be how should I amend him ?.

Your case is very complicated. You need IC, H needs IC and both of you need couple counseling. About BiPolar, Therapist/Psychologist/Psychiatrist are trained to do diagnosis but I would go straight to find psychiatrist b/c they have more diagnostic tools that are not available to others and could give you med. However not all doctors are equals. Warning about BiPolar, many peoples that suffer trauma like you show inability to regulate mood and could be misdiagnosed. I would not labeled myself with BiPolar, get the pro to diagnose you, until then you are not.

My heart ache reading your H tries to find more palatable reasons for your waywardness. You need to amend him.

-rh-

I meant a wayward type of plan...how can I amend him? We are starting counseling and I really hope it helps...as fore the psychiatrist, I don't think that'll ever happen because we have no insurance and limited income...$100 once a week is out of the question. I am careful not to label myself in front of certain people as bi-polar. I know I have a lot of issues, bi-polar would be an easy answer to a lifetime of problems. When I started my journal and went back and really thought about things, nothing about my life has been typical. Everything about my life has been crazy, even before birth. I just want to feel somewhat normal. I don't want my current normal to be my "normal".

Yes ,be careful with bipolar. I was mis-diagnosed and was given paxil and balooned to 200 pounds and was a mess. It impacted my life big time and my relationship with my son and H.
Go to a good doctor.
take care
blessing

I only see $300/session psychiatrist, $100 would be a real bargain. I would start with local country resource. For example, in San Mateo, CA. We have 800 number for Access Team for finding mental health referral and resources. The lower your income, the less money you have to pay, many people pay nothing. County's mental health provide very low or no fee, if you have limited income you might qualify for county/state/federal health care. Ask your M counselor.

Yes, I agree BiPolar is easy answer but irregardless of the disorder you know you need to get to the bottom of this to help you change.

You have the right attitude. Now how to amend H ?

Read and follow How to Survive Infidelity. Pay extra attention on Part 2 & 3.

Read and follow MB basic concept (you could buy the book but everything are here) . Love is a choice and InLove could be build/restore. Harley's method is all about falling InLove and staying InLove.

Ask & get IC for you and for you H . M is a multiplication not addition. Both of you need to heal and be 100% moving on from the past.

Remember one spouse to lead the recovery of M, you has seen proved of that here. Read JL's post to you, he is right on the money about your H. Many will lend you hand, keep posting and when you are ready you should start lending hand to others. Your insight as ex-WW trying to be W again would be appreciated here. Invite your H to the board and learn MB together.

Take care of yourself. You have made a big mistake but you are willing to own it. You don't have to pay for it for the rest of your life. Give your best to work on your M and if it doesn't work you need to give your self permission to end this and let your H find his own happiness. Road to recovery is not easy and w/o pain but it seems your H is willing too.

Take care. -rh-

Im sorry about the Plan A ref, I was refering to healing.

redhat gave great advice. thier are counselling and shrinks available cheap or free. look around.

Its worth fighting for so hang in there.

Bi-polar is so mis diagnosed and is the popular catch-all. Mood swings from depression to exsileration<sp> can happen to a lot of people along with the chemical changes that come from extremely bad circumstances. Wrong thinking and poor choices can attribute to bad thinking,circumstances and chemical reactions also.

Somewhere I read how when a persons thoughts are changed and the moods stabilize the lines on the surface of the brain along with the chemistry change.

Psalm 16 is a good read and I think it refers to this as "lines"

5 The LORD is the portion of mine inheritance and of my cup: thou maintainest my lot.

6 The lines are fallen unto me in pleasant places; yea, I have a goodly heritage.

7 I will bless the LORD, who hath given me counsel: my reins also instruct me in the night seasons.


I know.. it seemed far fetched to me too at first, but the more I thought about it...

Oft times a betrayed spouse of the same gender (or even opposite) can help another betrayed spouse. Back when I was more active, I held many hands of guys just like me. And yea, they held mine.

I extend an open invitation to your husband.

Larry

I agree that whether there is ever a diagnosis or not, a WS is always to take the actions needed to make amends and restore the marriage. And you definitely don't want a wrong dx. Having a disorder actually complicates things rather than makes them easy. Besides the exasperatingly misunderstood label attached, it's just another factor to have to be aware of and monitoring ALL THE TIME. I WISH my dx had been wrong. Unfortunately, every time I see a new psychiatrist they just confirm it. Boo Hiss.

The following would be a good plan A for you. However, unlike a plan A which can only be done for a few months due to the embalance between giver/taker, the following is a lifetime plan for you to consider and use.
God Bless,

JL

OK, we finally saw the marital counselor/shrink...sorry I can't spell the correct word. I checked around and this place charges according to income. It was just an evaluation, but he thinks I may have bi-polar disorder and will need to see me a few more times before giving an RX. The strange thing is he seemed to think Hubby might need meds. I never realized he might need something for his depression, I didn't realize it might still be bad for him 5 yrs later. He gave us some home work to do and he seemed to have a lot of knowledge for his expertise. He wants us to start off by reading "The Five Love Languages" which seems to be very similar to Dr. H's ENs. At least in my opinion. I was relieved that this shrink follows the belief that a married couple can sustain the "in love" feeling. I am looking forward to our next appointment.

. I don't think MC/shrink could give med., at least in California. Only Psychiatrist could. But anyway, someone will evaluate you and yes "The 5 Love Languages" is a good sign.

You need to ask him to refer you a shrink for your IC and a shrink for H IC. MC can not be your IC nor your H's IC . Your IC can't be your H's IC .