Sorry you are here Ridic. If you listen up and pay close attention you will get some outstanding advice.

You cannot recover your marriage when secrets still exist. If you have been lurking here for 8 months then I'm sure you know by now that your WH must have complete transperency with you. He must openly show you phone records, the phone itself, the car, email accounts, etc. His life must be an open book. This is a boundary that you have to set with him. If he is unwilling to comply then you must remove yourself from the abusive situation and get into Plan B. He who has nothing to hide hides nothing. Your WH is hiding the cell phone from you?? Major

Mindshare

NONONONONONO!!!!! That is the wrong answer.

Repeat after me: "Ridic, sit down, shut up and listen! Then GET TO IT!"

I know, Mindshare. I know. I gave him a list of what I needed, in terms of transparency. he's given me none of it- except to call me when he's places that I already know he's at and tell me he's there.

It's when he doesn't call that I know he's up to no good.

And he uses the privacy line. Which I have explained is different than secrecy to him, but he hates it.

What I don't understand is that he knows I have her phone number, and I've called her. Why they don't change that is beyond me. I think he uses it to have aleg to stand on- like he can't possibly be doing anything bad if he;s not hiding her phone number.

I agree. That's why I'm here.

RidicSit-If yo have been around for a long time lurking, I am glad that you have decided to get some individual help for yourself and your M.

Pep and SC are excellent at this. Listen to their advice and do what is asked of you. There will be times that they will tell you things you may not like, but it is what you need to hear.

My sitch was A LOT like yours. I believed that my WH was having an EA. My WH told me that they were "just friends". Well, we were both WRONG.

My WH had me convinced that everything that I had was not prrof of an affair. I believed him and I believed that noone would believe me if I told them. Funny thing is, my friends were happy that I finally saw the light. How did I see that light? From people on here. I was still holding on to the hope that WH was not P with POSOW. That was until I installed a keylogger. My WH found it after 2 hours. I confronted him(not a good moment to be sure) and he still was denying it. Why? He was a cake eater.

Now what do you need to do? Listen to Pep and SC and any other vets that come on here and offer their help.

Read my thread if you can spare a few hundred hours. You will see that there is a lot of advice that will work in your sitch.

Take care.

Ok...so you set a boundary (your list) and he is crossing that boundary (non-compliance). So what are you going to do about it?

I need to kick him out over it. Or talk to him about it.

And every time I do ( say anything or mention her), he turns it around on me, I feel panicked and confused, and then he storms out with his bag.

I'm here, because I just need to really hear from other people who've done this and dealt with this, that it's okay to be angry. And it's okay to deal with him.

I can't explain myself properly. I know what the right thing is to do. But I've built my life with this man, and our family, and although I see the trigger, and I know it should be pulled, there's this part of me that is trying to keep peace.

But I'm smart enough to know that it's not really peace. And I'm the one getting hurt.

Scotland-

I wanna do a keylogger, but is there a way to hide it? That's what I worry about. Is that he'd find it immediately.

I've read bits and pieces of your story. It totally resonates.

THREE years. 24 years old
She is a baby-maker standing by in the wings.
This is why things need to be disturbed IN A BIG WAY.
ASAP

CODE RED !

Your WH will not walk out of his adultery on his own two feet.
Your WH needs a shove.
You provide the shove.
Yes?
Dig dig dig.





Tip of the financial ice burg.
Look into this.
Look waaaaaaaaaaay into the finances.


BIG opportunity here !
BIG GUNS here.
The OW Dad needs to be on TeamRid

Get ahold of this man.
In person, if possible.
Invite this man to your house (unless he comes off as a nut) to confront your WH in front of yourself and your children.

I'm serious.
This is an intervention opportunity.

It must be a mutual plan that you and OW Dad construct carefully.
NO WARNING about the intervention.
Be as sweet as humanly possible for now.

Does OW have a Mom?

He's had a vasectomy, and she doesn't have a uterus. I'm not worried about babymaking.

I'm reading the rest right now.

She's living in Fear Pep. Can you bump starfish's Fear thread or add it to Ridics thread? She needs to read it.

Rid- do you need the keylogger info for you? I needed it to see the truth for what it was. I still had blinders on but this smacked them off of my face. If you do, I know that someone on here has the info on ones that cannot be found.

In the meantime, listen to Pep.

There's a mom- but she's an alcoholic and divorced from the dad. OW lives in a town where one of my husband's businesses is. Ironically- though I am from a different than where we live now, many of my relatives have moved to the town where OW is from.

It was very easy to find out a lot about her.

I can absolutely contact the father. I have his phone number, email and street address. And I know where he works.

I have it on good authority that the dad is not a nutter. But that this daughter is a handful. His other daughter has also tried to contact me, via Facebook. I ignored her, under a temporary delusion that WH was being good.

Scot-

I need it for me. More than anything else, I need it for me. I need, especially after being gaslighted for so long, to see hard proof that I am right. In my head- I feel like that will give me the strength I need to take the action I have to.

I lost momentum when I took the kids, left, and then when we came home. I believed him.

I need to be that woman again.

Pepper-

He owns businesses all over the state we live in. One of them is in her hometown. She was a waitress, he was a customer. She's a sickly type- spent a lot of time in the hospital. He visited her, on a long hospitalization, and they started to bond.

I intercepted an email at around the time of this. And was accused of questioning his character. How dare I. **rolls eyes hard**

He became her champion. Her savior. She was his dumsel in distress.

My kids are 14 to 7 in age.

He was carrying an appointment sheet ( well, multiple appt sheets) for her in his wallet, as I mentioned earlier. On the notation for a particular procedure, there was a notation for special conditions-lack of uterus was notated>

I also? Am horrified that I know all of this about her. For the record.

It bothers me.