|
|
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928
Member
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928 |
Nesre, her husband's nasty reaction to exposure is standard WS script. In fact, the nastier the reaction, the better exposure is working.
PMs are disabled because no members of the opposite sex should be privately confiding in each other.
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080 |
LC It took my WW 3 weeks b-4 I became "pathetic" and the anger really came out. PMs are disabled because no members of the opposite sex should be privately confiding in each other. Would going through the mods work? I'm asking cause I don't know or is never the policy? Nesre
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 6,316
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 6,316 |
Nesre...
Personally, I would advise you NOT to have off board contact with a member of the opposite sex...Mr. W and I share an email account and that has worked nicely if we wanted to communicate off board with others...Extraordinary precautions are the best policy, imo...
Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928 |
I agree with Mrs. W and KaylaAndy. NEVER communicate privately with another member of the opposite sex. One may not INTEND anything out of the way, but you never know how the other person will react, especially when you are both vulnerable and not getting your needs met. Men, in particular, are especially prone to becoming a "knight in shining armor". You should never be a "knight" to anyone except your own wife.
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080 |
Mrs W
Could I send you and Mr W what I sent MM? I just did not want it out for Other eyes that may have bad intentions for her M.
I am not trying to defend what I did. I am trying to learn how to handle it if it would occur again.
I know you have been on the board for a long time so I would respect your opinion how to handle it.
Nesre
Last edited by nesre; 02/27/10 05:09 PM.
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
Nesre this is a HUGE NO-No in MB concepts. There should be boundaries in place to AVOID any one from the opposite sex being able to meet ANY EN's. This is how MOST affairs start.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080 |
Scotland
I just did not want it out for Other eyes that may have bad intentions for her M.
I am not trying to defend what I did. I am trying to learn how to handle it if it would occur again.
What would be the right thing to do? I hope sit on my hands is not one of the answers.
How do you get the communication to someone who may help of the opposite sex?
nesre
Last edited by nesre; 02/27/10 05:26 PM.
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 439
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 439 |
and my next move should be????
Just leave it at that and wait until I see him next weekend? Email him something else?
Since I am not there and have not spoken to OWH, I have no idea what is going on or if he is going to see her, I assume he is since it is his b-day. The A continues so therefore he is in contact with OW every opportunity he gets beacuse he needs that. He needs to know there is something and he has not lost everything. He needs to know from you that the 2 of you can move past this event. He does not need you to move past it,He needs to hear from you that its possible. Thats what Plan A makes possible, the communication from you to him that inspite of the A, its possible for you to continue to love him and restore the M. Do you think its possible that the 2 of you can R ?
FBW(me)- 45
FWH- 53
D-day 4/29/08
Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 439
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 439 |
BTW you can ask the mods to combine your threads so all of this info appears on your main thread.
FBW(me)- 45
FWH- 53
D-day 4/29/08
Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928 |
I see nothing wrong with you contacting Mr. & Mrs. W., because they share an email account. You could also email another male MBer whose wife also posts on MB. One of them is TST, who is married to SexyMamaBear.
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
I AGREE WITH LC. That is what I would have done if I thought I needed to contact a member of the opposite sex in private. I don't however feel like I will have that feeling, but I may be wrong.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
Nesre- I also just read YOUR thread and I noticed that this was a PLANNED exchange. Not only that, but I believe that you had emailed another MBer about it. If I am wrong I apologize. This just doesn't sit right with me.
Follow what LC has suggested.
Mymissy- sorry about the t/j. It's hard to contain oneself when you see things that may go against the MB way.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080 |
Totally my fault and being on this board for this long I know better. Yes Scotland I did contact another male member and with my own impulsiveness I went ahead anyway. It was not his fault in any way. He did not see where the thread was compromised. MyMissy
Would you be willing to e=mail me.
When I read back in your post I saw something you may want to consider.
Let me know and I will post you my e-mail
Nesre I am sorry first to MyMissy. I know better. All you have to do is tell me you don't want me to post to you and I will respect your decision. I apologize to the whole board. I understand the concept of no private messages and will respect it. I now know what I can do in this situation. #2330353 - 02/27/10 05:32 PM Re: Thread for mymissy [Re: nesre] Lady_Clueless Member Registered: 02/25/01 Posts: 1497 I see nothing wrong with you contacting Mr. & Mrs. W., because they share an email account. You could also email another male MBer whose wife also posts on MB. One of them is TST, who is married to SexyMamaBear. _________________________ BW M 39.5 yrs to still-foggy WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods. Again I am sorry Nesre
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614 |
Do you think its possible that the 2 of you can R ? I am just not sure of anything right now. Deep in my heart I truly believe that saving this marriage is the best outcome. I am just not sure how to get past the hurt, and now the overwhelming distance.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614 |
No harm done. I understand the need to help. Right now I am just trying to help myself figure out this mess and unfortunately I am willing to grasp at any straw.
So, definitely a lesson learned.
Thanks for everyone's input.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 439
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 439 |
Do you think its possible that the 2 of you can R ? I am just not sure of anything right now. Deep in my heart I truly believe that saving this marriage is the best outcome. I am just not sure how to get past the hurt, and now the overwhelming distance. Ok then Step 1) Read and print and paste your own quote above some where you can see it daily. Stop preparing for D stop thinging about D as an option. STOP PACKING AND PLANNING ON MOVING OUT . Ignore what your alien WH wants for the moment and redirect all available energies towards saving the marriage. Stpe 2) Accept that the hurt for wont go away for some time to come. Once you start working with that premise you will realise that you have to continue saving the marriage inspite of the pain. Thats why everyone keeps repeating that its not an easy road to walk. When you feel like throwing in the towel refer to step one. Step 3) Take care of yourself and find things everyday that are non A related that will help you heal and fill you with peace. Read, jouranal, talk to a friend, listen to music,take kickboking, what ever will give you moments of happy breaks from having to live the A thoughts all day long. These little things will help give your soul the inner strenght you need to climb this recovery hill. YOU have EN's too and since your WH cant fill them right now you have to fill some of them from some where healthy cause you cant operate on empty.
FBW(me)- 45
FWH- 53
D-day 4/29/08
Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614 |
I am not sure that I can completely stop packing and planning to move out, I think this may go to a Plan B, but for a couple of weeks I will attempt to plan A again. The best that I can.
I would like to put a call out to FWH's and ask their opinion - what do I do and what do I say.
He has a rough draft of D on the table and now attempts to spend one night every weekend with OW.
We have not seen or spoken to each other for over a week.
So, again what do I do and say to turn his head even if just for a moment?
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
So, again what do I do and say to turn his head even if just for a moment?
Be the best woman you know.
If he doesn't care/notice, he's an idiot.
Hold your head high.
Stick to YOUR values.
Live YOUR values.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Dr Harley himself posted (the following) on a thread started by Princessmeggy on Recovery forum ...
It applies to you.
XOXO
princessmeggy:
When life becomes chaotic, you can't use your instincts to guide you. One day they'll tell you one thing and the next day another. You end up exhausted running in one direction and then turning around and running back.
The best way to handle chaos (or even confusion) is to set your sites on principles that will guide you through the fog and into the clearing, and then follow those principles. The book you and your husband were reading, "Love Busters," is packed full of them. And the most important one of all is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). Just about every problem you currently face was brought about by failures to follow that rule. Your husband's affair, the financial struggles you are experiencing, your unmet emotional needs, and on and on.
Keep reading Love Busters, especially chapters 8-13. Don't do anything unless you are both enthusiastic about it. Spend plenty of time thinking about what it would take to create that enthusiasm for the one who is reluctant.
The most important current violation of the POJA has been your husband's contact with his divorced friend. Separate if he doesn't end the contact immediately and for good. After having had an affair, what could he be thinking? He apparently has no idea what you've been through.
Your married life has been full of sacrifice. Don't do it anymore. One person's dreams can be another's nightmares. When that's the case in marriage, the dream should be abandoned. Whenever a spouse asks you to sacrifice, it's that person's Taker talking. He's not caring for you at that moment. He wants to gain at your expense. We all make mistakes, but whenever your husband makes that one, don't oblige. Then you'll have nothing new to feel resentful about.
I've read the comments that others have made to your inquiry, and agree with them. You have many on this Forum who care about you, and they are very troubled by the guilt you feel and the sacrifices you are tempted to make. You know the MB principles and agree with them. It's time to follow them.
Best wishes,
Dr. Harley
Last edited by Pepperband; 02/28/10 01:20 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614 |
WOW,
That sends a pretty profound message. I have to admit I am not liking where my thoughts are going......
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
783
guests, and
56
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
