The answer to the "reversed" thing:

The right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, and vice-versa.

In most people, the language centers of the brain, auditory centers for language processing, sequential processing, speech centers, and the concepts of sequential reasoning and word-related tasks reside in the left-hemisphere. It is detail-oriented, and part-whole minded. People who tend to be dominant in this hemisphere are time-oriented, organized sequentially.

In most people, the right hemisphere controls prosody, music, math, artisic tasks. People who are right hemisphere dominant tend to be holistic thinkers, better in math and spatial tasks.


Left-handed people have right-hemisphere dominance in the sense that their right hemisphere controls the left hand, and that the right-hemisphere motor strip is the major control center for their body, and is the best control center for their body.

It does NOT mean that their right hemisphere necessarily also is mapped for language - meaning that their brains are completely and totally differently mapped than the majority of the population of the world in terms of the usual brain mapping and development of the brain: that is, the left hemisphere being the dominant hemisphere mapped for language, auditory reception, speech, etc.

That is what I was trying to explain.

HOWEVER, in some of the left-handed population - this IS the case - their brains actually ARE flipped! And the right is mapped the way the majority of the world's population have their left hemisphere mapped. They are TRUE reverse-dominant folks.


Pop-psych has made the notion that everyone who is left-handed has the reverse dominant characteristic also. Just not so.

I do not want to play the blame game...I want to fight but I'm getting weak(depressed).
Don't fight. Just set a new course, because that is really what this is! It isn't blame - because that gets you nowhere, and you already know that.

It isn't fighting, I know you mean fighting as in "uphill battle" fighting. What you need is a plan for yourself. A plan for LIFE - living new. That's really not very hard, because you simply DECIDE what you want of yourself, and then LIVE THAT WAY. Sounds crazy, right?

But you DO IT. That means setting that course, and NOT DOING WHAT YOU DID BEFORE. Because what you have always done HAS NOT WORKED. Because what you've always done hasn't been the right thing - it has been an EMOTIONAL and IMPULSIVE response.

Not a thoughtful and controlled response.

I think my best advice to you would be this:


Don't respond to anything until you have waited 15 seconds.




I have asked him how can I make amends and he said he didn't know. Every time I ask a question about what makes him feel loved, or what he wants in our relationship I always get I don't know.
He doesn't know. Isn't that fair? He doesn't!!!! He thought he did - and then WHAM - it was gone. Again.

So he is BLANK right now. I was pretty blank for about two years after d-day!!!!! B-L-A-N-K Blank. My H wanted me to tell him what to do, how to do it, all of that. At one point I asked him to just shoot me, because maybe that would take away the numbness I felt.

You have to understand - he doesn't know, because this pain is so completely inside of him that it goes completely through.

You have to do what you think is the right thing right now. Just take your best guess.


Fill out the EN Questionnaire as though you were him - give it your best guess - and then meet the top three every day. Do that, and stick with it EVERY DAY.

I was so sure domestic support was one of his EN's because he wants the house clean, but he says it doesn't make him feel loved. He says it takes away from the stress at work. That's actually good. Keeping the house clean is one thing he can SEE that you are doing. My H did the same thing, and although it was not high on my list, it relieved a lot of my internal pressure and stress. It made our house feel like "home". Don't stop that, because although it might not be something he says makes him feel loved, it is probably still somewhere on his list. Right now, EVERYTHING counts.


Could he just be confused or am I? Wow, I wish he would come on here!! He's confused, count on it.

I did try to get us into counseling when we had been married for 2 years and he refused several times...I thought he was going to go at one point and then backed out saying he didn't need it and he was fine. It was the day of the appointment when he did that. I tried several times after that, but it began to wear on me and being young and dumb at 23 I began to withdraw in some ways from him. There was a wall between us, but I'm beginning to see some light coming through now. When I remember us then it was just so bad..he was so withdrawn.
He says it's not possible to have a marriage like what's described in the love languages book. He says it's a fairy tale. He's not trusting much. Meet his needs anyway.


How do I protect myself from the feelings that are effecting me? I've always been an emotional sponge. Being an emotional sponge is not a way to live your life.

Emotions are fine, for certain things. But they are not something to allow your life to be ruled by. They get you into trouble. They take you off track, and they can allow you to unnecessarily wallow or get elated when you really shouldn't be in that state at all.

I say this because in your case you seem to be letting emotions just grab you and then you run wherever they lead. Not a great habit! If you "feel" angry, you run there - sad, you run there...and this is not working well. Look how feeling "needy" led you to six men.

Let's think about how to control them.

Take 15 seconds of time. When you get used to reacting to things AFTER 15 seconds, you gain that one element of life you lack


a controlled response.


At this point, you feel something and BANG you go off.

How much different would your life look if you took just 15 seconds to think about something before you said or did anything first?


SB

Thanks! Got it.

You gave me a lot of info to take in...you have my hubby pegged, SB!!

So, he seemed very happy that I had dinner started when he got home and it was what he enjoys eating and he was in a good mood.

Should I just stop asking questions for right now? I am starting think that the languages book was a bad idea...I asked him to fill out the questionnaire in the back...he said he remembered doing this before and he said his first ex wife had the book. I hate anything that brings memories of her back to him. I think it starts his record in his head going stronger than it had before. I just want him to be happy again. I hope this isn't a DJ but I'm not sure if he's been happy for our entire marriage.
I'm not sure how the 6 months thing is going to work...I just mean he's not much of a cuddler...I'll do it though...I just want him to know I love him. I want to meet his needs, I just want to know what they are without a shadow of a doubt...I want his love tank overflowing!

Question about the sex thing...should I quit surprising him with oral sex in the shower. I ask him first if he wants it. Or should I just let him ask for anything sexual for now? I never really thought I was pressuring him for sex, since I rarely get actual sex with him. He just seems to want me to concentrate on him, which I don't mind so much, it's just that I feel like I don't know...it's confusing. There has been a time or two where I have felt pressure to do oral when I didn't exactly want to and enter my baggage I do it anyway because I know he likes it. I think the 6 months thing is a good idea...I'll think about how to approach him on it and tell him about it tonight.
I really want us to have this deep love for each other that no one or thing can tear apart.

Awesome job SB

Wow, SB, you are so knowledgable....ok, 15 seconds...deep breaths, don't react right away. I always look forward too your responses, sometimes they might make me cringe, but, truths can do that.

w02

It can take a WW six months to defog.

It can take a long time for a BH to start recovery.

You can push him through it the way you can't push a WS through their fog and withdrawal.

It's as if you have to plan A your husband back into the marriage and recovery.

Get him to come here. Tell him there are many BH's that have things in common. To be punished for the rest of your life is wrong. However it's not the time for you to tell BH this at this time.

Schoolbus, this is the second time today that I have had the impulse to bloviate on what someone has said. I will hold myself in check by simply saying "Awesome job lady!"

And W02, don't you dare stop surprising your husband with, uh, dinner on the table or whatever. Couple that with a fatuous look on your face like "did I do good honey," and simple male response hard wired would be, bemusement and flattered.

Guys are easy and simple. Food and whatever get our simple mind's attention like nothing else.

Larry

Well, hubby came home for lunch(like he does all the time) and we had a nice time. I really believe he's trying to see I'm trying to meet his EN's. I had a glimpse of him before we married today, I think I saw just a tiny bitty glimmer of hope in his eyes. I don't know if this sounds crazy or not, but he's always a little short on time when he comes home, so I thought I would try to save him some by cutting the re-heated steak(I didn't want him to waste time cutting it when he could have been ...he usually complains when I do stuff like that, saying something like i can cut my own food)
I think we are going to be ok and eventually be fully recovered.

Hope, first time I have seen you say that.

Good day happening.

Larry

Just got Surviving an Affair in the mail...so far it's a really good book. A lot easier to read than Boundaries.

I thought this day was just going to be horrible, but it's turning up to be pretty good.

I was very glad to hear about how you saw a twinkle in his eye. I really pray that you two get the proper counselling and over time find how to bind each others wounds and heal as you put the past behind.

Good news O2

I am glad others pitch in to help you out.



Again, in MB , one spouse could lead the M to intimacy.



You give your best shots, you exhaust every avenue and do it right ... if H doesn't moved an inch, you should move on and find someone will. As you see, if you fillin his EN he will response.


Yes, the different is he will want to change willingly if his love units are overflowing.


You have a good day today. Don't give up. Implement MB properly ... if H doesn't move then you could tell your self ... it is time to go.

I saw you have a good day today .

-rh-

W02, leave us take a look at some things.



Clueless, he is. Both a previous wife and you have tried and he is a rock on the subject. . .



Bleeeech. You are trying to get him to meet your needs. Marriage is about a partnership, not a maid who gives great head.



Of course, if you don't get what you NEED, what is the point. You are giving what HE needs, well, lately anyway, and it should be a two way street.

He doesn't want to change. Oh puuuuleeeeeze. That is guy talk for "why should I?"

Your husband is scared to death of intimacy, period. He is afraid. He fears. He won't open up because he is afraid of being hurt.

I gotta tell you this.

MOST guys who are that way got that way when some teenage female walked all over them (to show her power) when the guy was infatuated as only teenage male (and females) can be. Yea for the PC crowd, there is a reverse component that has adverse effects on females.

MOST guys who stay that way do so because they are afraid but mainly because they never got over the teenage trauma. Ever hear of the female saying (conventional wisdom), "Some woman must have really did a number on him?"

And its true.

The situation now becomes what to do about it. Recognition of the problem and probable cause (or at least reasonable suspicion) is likely to be as stated above.

So what DO you do about it? I got some ideas. Do you or those who read this thread?

Larry

I do think there was teenage trauma, he talked about liking this girl in high school, but he doesn't say much about it...

How can I help him be comfortable with intimacy? Is there anything else I can do? And what can I do or say to let him know that a marriage is a partnership and that he needs to give a little as well. I don't want the moon at this point, I don't want him thinking I'm trying to change him, he just either is too afraid to give any intimacy or...(I can't even seem to finish my thoughts anymore) I hope he would like to be closer with me...he seems more open with this friend of his and I'm jealous of the his manner with her. I know it's because he's not threatened by her. There's no red flags at all with them...I just hate he can't be like he is with her with me, does that make any sense?

He just wants to be safe and he believes he cannot trust anyone IMO.
If he doesn't get out of this place he is he will remain lonely and its a shame.

There needs to be a lot of IC for each of them and then MB principles... then time.. but it can be worked out if they both will do it.

Huh, first I heard of this. What is the deal?

Larry

Something that I didn't think was important....I mentioned it because, well, she's not the only woman he's comfortable with...as long as he doesn't have an attachment of some sort with a woman, he seems at ease with them. It bugs me . I don't think of it until he talks to her or reads Facebook messages. There's nothing red flag about it on the A end of things...or could this be on the edge of EA without either of them realizing it. I know that her and her hubby have been rocky for years and she doesn't have "love" feelings for hubby...she tells me she looks at him like a brother, and he says he looks at her like a sister and the last time I said anything about it hubby seemed genuinely repulsed that I would actually think that way. Can someone meet a EN and not fall in love persay? I'm not worried about them having an A...I'm concerned she might leave her hubby for a different man..but that's her business and I rarely talk to her about it....Anyway, what do you think this is, an unknowing attempt by hubby to have ENs met without the fear of being hurt? He's had a friendship with her long before I ever met hubby. She also calls him her best friend. This irks me at times because I feel I should be at the top of my hubby's list and I feel I am most of the time, but I don't like sharing my spot.

I wondered this too. I want to know more about this woman thing. Wife 02, if you are like me, the "failure complex" is th death knell of success. If I am trying someting or working hard and I get caught up in the "everything would be fine if I was just ding this GOOD ENOUGH" mentailty, I might aswell just hang it up. The "good enough" hangup is the quickest way for me to fail Once I get it into my head that no matter what I do it will NEVER be good enough, it's almost imposible to find the motivationto continue. I know that isn't good, but if yu are like be, urge you not to think of doing MB or anything else as trying to be good enough or do it well enough. That' what's going on with me right now, and it is counterproductive.

So, you are created by God - you ARE good enough. And - at least in this life - perfecion is NOT an acheivable goal. All you can do if live February 28th 2010 and following as well as possible. Five years ago you made some hoorible choices. Between then and now you haven't been perfect - guess what? Nether have I, and neither as anyone else who is breathing right now. Do what you know to do now. Be what you know to be now. That is all you can do, all you can control. You are a worthwhile person.

Unlike many other people, I believe that a man and woman can be friends without an emotional affair (or physical) intruding into the relationship.

BUT

No friendship, male OR female with an outside person can trump the friendship relationship with one's mate, period, end of sentence.

You are trying to do a head job on this guy. By that I mean figure him out and try to help/change him or get him to realize his potential to be a mate and partner for you.

How is that working for you? He isn't cooperating and has all sorts of outside influences that direct him to stand pat, so it seems to me.

Larry