....and...just to add to my post above...why does it hurt so much? Why can't I see how much he hurt me, how indifferent he is. Why do I still think that IF I had been less of this, if I would have done more of that...he would have not had the A with the downstairs neighbor? Why do I secretly justify him thinking that for him to do something so crazy he must have felt pretty miserable in the M.
Why am I not nice to myself?
blessing

bump

Atena,

good questions.

Unfortunately I think you have to find your own answers. No one can give them pre packed to you.

For some it hurts a lot and a long time but like a scar, with time it becomes like something in the background.

Others stop feeling so much pain much quicker and are able to put it away, only remembering it rarely.

You have to find your own personal way of managing, because I am sure you can.

Dr. Harley frequently says something that I like a lot: "what are the options?"

Just think what options you have for your situation which YOU control....

Separate completely anything you said or did to cause the A...

And work on yourself and becoming a better W in the marriage...

They sound the same, but two entirely different things.

One is a very blaming place to be, the other is a place of learning and accepting that we are not perfect, that we are working on our M.

No matter how bad or good the M was, it was your WH's choice to step outside of it. There are many M that are better or worse than yours where the couples do not engage in an extramarital affair.

And if the M was so horrible why didn't YOU have an A?

So, what in the M do you have control over that you can make better, how can you become a better W. And remember, you can only do so much, it is his responsibility to make the M affair-proof too (not have opposite sex friendships, not find himself alone with females, not travel extensively or take a job far awy, etc...)

Thank you for your support at this much needed time.
I am in plan B so I can't be working on being a good W just a good person for now.
I think sometimes it would be easier for me to say it is truly over, quit plan B and treat my H with cold distance not giving him the satisfaction to show him I am upset and do not speak to him.
I wish I were stronger and more determined to call it quits...

If this is true, then you are not really in plan B, and that may be the problem.

I know it is practically impossible for you to do plan B but it is afterall the suggestion Dr. Harley gives to recover personally from the affair.

If it is true that romantic love ends when no deposit are made in the love account then why I am still in love with my H after such a long time he has not made any deposits? Why am I so triggered when I see him? I literally would like to hug him and kiss him.
How is it possible after so long a time he has failed to met any of my EN?
blessing

atena,

First, NC in paln B is a must ... mind, body nor sight.
Second, plan B is not to get rid of Love Units in Love Bank. It is the opposite, it is to preserve it !.

I know it is very hard, I had been there too

Is there any chances you go dark on your Plan B ?.

Extreme darkness ... no sight, no IM, no nothing. If you work at the same work place with H, you have to avoid your H path. (out of sight)

Next is very hard ... don't even day dream of having H back or even thinking of H ... (out of mind)

You let the love units drained out naturally ... not by LB'n on your head - you are hoping some H actions but never materializes ... nor by depositing from day dreams - you are fantasizing fillin your own needs (ENs).

Get busy and change you focus from H to something else ... I did have a certificate of completions for 2 semesters of Building Constructions . Go to local community college, they have a lot of certifications from Certified Nurse Assistance to Building Code.

Take a good care of yourself ... focus is on you.

-rh-

First, because you ARE seeing him. Just the sight of him is a trigger for you. The same principle applies to you as it does to affairee's. This is why NC is so important when ending an affair, and why NC is so important in Plan B.....

Dr. H talks about how once a Love Bank account has been opened, it doesn't close. I can't remember the passage exactly, I'll have to look for it....but this is why.

not2fun

truer words were never said than not2fun's last two replies!



I had felt so strong in B and perfectly fine and I caught a glimpse of my WH yesterday and it threw me for a loop (he dropped our child off and I saw him from a distance....he didn't see me). 'smack-a-do' since then I feel a bit beside myself wanting him and wanting him to want me.

It must be tough Atena seeing yours so often!

I agree totally. It is precisely because you ARE trying to preserve the remaining love you have left for WH in the chance that WH comes back and R is possible. It also shows you why NC is so important when talking about affairees.

I have been in a tailspin since Saturday when I accomplished my mission "olive branch". I purposely broke my dark Plan B to let WH know that the door was still open. The first two days, I was okay. Then I was SAD SAD SAD. I have to refocus.

I hope that knowing you are not alone, will help you a lot.

I have read through your thread, Atena, and all the responses reagrding WH is so true.
WH is back in home country and still denies he is out with OW when I can confirm from worker they are together.

I am preparing for Plan B myself - WH will be back in the states next week and I plan to be out before he gets in.
Before I would be so sure WH will not tolerate NC, but now am culeless as to how he will respond now because lately his contact with me is very much less than before and to compare how he would connect to OW and OC is definitely not a balanced scale.

Yet I dont want to give up on his old ways which is against NC (he hates my my cold shoulder treatment) so if it happens how do you cope with the persistence if he wants to see me? 2nd week of March will have to meet up for my daughter's program.

I also am aware he may continue with NC then it becomes my eye opener that he has given up on R of M and prefers life with OW and OC

I really dont want to give up on WH - if he can be totally honest with me and NC with OW and OC I am willing ot take him back. I know this fog is really blocking his view and will not give up praying for him to see the light even if he is aware that he has wronged me.

But I also have figured he may not want me back in his life but since i dont have the burden to carry I think I can move on better than he would and I pity him.....

Distance,

You aren't in plan B yet, you have to be in plan A. Cold shoulder is a no no in M, it is LB'ng.

Confirm H's words asap.

Have you exposed A ?

Open a new thread for you to get better response.

-rh-

So when I see my H at work, and I am in plan b, and of course I pretend I do not see him, I make no eye contact and go my own way....is that LBing?
blessing

Atena,
I am going to take a guess on your question.

I think it probably is LBing. But, at least you are not having angry outbursts, making demands or disrespectful judgements (unless pretending he isn't there is a DJ?).

If you see him, you must be suffering so very much more than if you really could avoid it at work.

The tricky thing is that, since we work in the same place, I am tempted to see him. Even if I know I should avoid it, when he has lunch I take glipses of him from the window (we have an outside area where we eat lunch and the weather here is pretty nice year-round). I some times indulge looking at him (he does not see me) and afterwards I feel terrible. You can look but you can't have.
The worst feeling. It is all my fault. I really have to stop that, it is killing me.
I think it is a LB because when I accidentally run into him and I pretend he is wallpaper (ok, from a distance, but still ignoring him) it must make him feel bad and increase his hateful feelings towards me.
I have to actively avoid him.
It is a killer
blessing

Phew!

I totally relate on many levels Atena. I sometimes get glimpses of my WH though it is possible to not. The joy of the glimpse/ the grief of the glimpse. Yikes.

Try, try, try to stop with it. Try to promise yourself little treats for resisting a day at a time. Tangible treats (flowers, movie, something small but special to feel your sense of selfness).

If you accidentally run into him.....wink, smile, and or blow quick kiss and move onward?! Not sure on this one but others may have input pro and con on it. The key word being ACCIDENTALLY run into him.....not on purpose make it appear accidental? (I have to lol at this last sentence though it is serious stuff).

If you run into him, do nothing. There are no good solutions, but that is the LEAST damaging, IMO.

A comment about Plan B by Dr Harley: