Thanks guys for all your well wishes and support.

Shabbat Shalom everyone and Happy Friday....

Quennie - I don't know if I have ever posted to you before but I read your post and your story gives me hope. I wanted to recommend a book that might help you. Practicing the presence of god by brother lawrence. 16th century monk who believed that the key to happiness is living moment by moment in gods presence and making every act an act of love and devotion to god - from cooking dinner for his fellow monks toi washing the floors. Worship in all that you do. Just a suggestion

Thanks SR,

I like what you suggested and will absolutely check into it. I'm glad you stopped by and welcome and observations you might have.

I'm very grateful that my story gives you hope. Because truly at one time there was no hope and it looked like my marriage was dead. Well actually as Mimi taught me, that OLD marriage was dead. But G-d created the opportunity for a NEW marriage to begin and I have made the most of his opportunities and blessings.

Shabbat Shalom, Queenie.

Hi Queenie!!! (JT waving from the damp and windy northern valley)

Let's get together soon...you free tomorrow?

love ya'

Hey Queenie, I'm really short on time right now, I've only really skimmed over your last posts but in time will read them with more care.
This ......

"My son wants me to come out to Ill. for his Navy graduation and quite honestly I'm too embarassed to go because of the weight that I gained back, so I had to dig deep inside and find a way to work on my weight. The good news was I lost 6.5 lbs in two weeks, the bad news... I gained 4 lbs back. I'm not sure what that's about, but I know that as long as I keep doing the footwork and trying, the results are in G-ds hands."

in 5 years Queenie, will you regret not going to your son's graduation for the reasons that you say?

Big hugs to you!

Darn JT, I would have loved to try and get together. I'll give ya a call this week so we can touch base.

Oh you are so right Vit, I made the plane, car, and hotel reservations with his girlfriend today. I would NEVER forgive myself if I didn't go.

I've been coming here for over 2 1/2 years. I remember D-day like it was yesterday in so many ways. I remember the absolute sadness and pain, it felt like a nuclear bomb went off inside of me and all I wanted to do was curl up and just die.

Then life went one for me.... for the rest of the world... but that pain still lived inside and just became a part of me....

I have buried my parents, my grandparents, my in laws, friends, children of friends etc. Even two years ago remember when my once very close friend died in his sleep at 17, and then last year someone's son died of a brain tumor at 28, one week before his wife gave birth to their first child, a beautiful girl.

Last week a co-worker's died at 17 from a blood clot in her lungs. I knew this person, not well, and knew her daughter, not well. This young person was an aspiring actress and singer and was clearly talented in ways that I had no idea. She was a light in G-ds world that just burnt out a little too fast.

I remember the discussion here about was it worse to lose a child or have adultery affect our lives. At the time I was very clear that adultery seemed much worse for so many reasons.

As I watched my friend walk into the church where the Lutheran service was to take place, she was trembling, her face down, she couldn't and look out at all the people that loved her daughter or loved her. I don't think I am exaggerating that there were in excess of a thousand people in that room. I had NEVER seen that kind of grief on a person, NEVER. My heart absolutely broke for her. What I realized was at that moment, that kind of deep deep deep pain that each one of us feels in our own way is just so debilitating and inconsoluable.

For those of you who are Lutheran I gotta tell you, this priest or pastor, was interesting. I also had never experienced someone who reached so closely out to the family and just spoke to the mom. It was beyond moving, it was for me an experience. Setting aside the obvious differences of me being Jewish, this man talked about that unending questions, that desperate pain to try and understand and I thought of so many of you because in the end, what he talked most about was the relationship that you have with G-d. That no matter whatever unanswered, incomprehensible situations we all face, and each one of us do, our G-d, whoever that is for you, but our G-d will take us through it and just hold us like a baby. Just like each one of us holds our children and rocks them when they are hurting.

I hope whoever reads this, newbie or old truly takes to their heart, their spirit, that no matter what, you G-d is there for you to help you one toe at a time and that I hope you find him because like that priest/pastor said, your G-d loves you more than anyone else, than a room full of a 1000 people like there was today, your G-d loves you more than you can even imagine.

The last song that she sang before she died, was I can only imagine. I hope you listen to those words and remember your G-d loves you as only you can imagine.

Queenie,

I don't know when your son graduates but you'll only be about 75 miles from us when you get to NSTC Great Lakes. Look us up if it's a weekend. It would be great to be able to get together with your guys.

If it's next weekend we will be a lot farther away since we are going to the Illinois Horse Fair with our NFP to try to raise some money.

Other than that, gives us a heads up and I'll see if I can arrange something if you are going to have time.

I have attended too many funerals for children of friends who still ask the question "why" years later. I've never been able to answer that question beyond "I don't know." About the best I have aver been able to do is cry along with them. Parents just aren't supposed to bury our children.

Mark

Hi Mark,

Wow, what an incredible offer that is. His graduation is April 9th and I'm flying in on Thursday and leaving on Sunday in the PM.

If you don't mind meeting someone who is overweight I would love to meet you along with your wife. That would be such a treat.

Someone was just talking to me about the funeral and she said the same thing. Only she thinks the priest was talking directly to her because this woman is in danger of not making it. She is scarily fragile. She LIVED her life for her daughter. It's just heartbreaking for her and so many others who face this horrible time.

I really want to applaud the sermon about having a relationship with G-d and to seek him for help.

Queenie - you are gloriously and wonderfully made!

I have weight issues too - but hun...Why would Mark and his wife care if you are overweight!!! You need to stop and give yourself a big big big hug....does GOD care if you got more to love? NOPE. Why would your son care - he would care if his mom wasnt there...but not showing because of weight!...You gotta love the skin your in.

You are not your weight...you are a towering pillar of strength who wouldnt settle for anything less than what she deserved! You are beautiful in Gods eyes and to anyone who looks at the world through gods eyes. I weigh well over 200 lbs...but I dont care...its not what I weigh but what I do...its not what I weigh but how I love.

Queenie,

Is your husband coming out for the trip too?

Let me see if I can set something up for the night of the 10th if that would be OK.

I'll try to figure out a good place to meet for dinner or something in the city or western suburbs.

BTW. My brother did basic training, "A school" and electronics and fire control schools at NTC GL. Of course that was a while ago. He ended up as an avionics tech on the Nimitz and the plane he was responsible for (an A7 Corsair II) was in the movie Final Countdown (opening sequence of the movie). He finished out his career working on Tomcats (F14, like in Top Gun)and as a nuke ordinance loader. Fortunately that job never was required other than training about ten times per month.

I remember when he finished his avionics class and was assigned to the Nimitz. He was so excited and looking forward to joining the fleet. His first job on board this awesome state of the art combat ship was working in the laundry...

Took the wind right out of his sails...

At least he learned to do his own clothes.

Mark

Ahem.....IF I may be so rude as to interrupt this lovely get together,......Queenie (my IMs down for a bit) but depending on where this is I might be able to swing out there. Email the details and I'll see if I can get it done. If it would infringe on your Mom/son time I understand though.....

Oh..... And that comment about your weight???..... You need to apologize to YOURSELF.........

Not2fyn

Queenie, this is gonna sound weird, okay? I had a dream about you last night. I dreamt we met under some strange circumstances. Someone you knew (the OW maybe?) had kidnapped my grandson. You and I got together to figure out what to do.

You were the cutest little thing, I just wanted to hug you! You were so cuddly and sweet (and short!) In my dream you mention something about your weight and I told you in no uncertain terms to STOP IT! You smiled and then laughed and we went back to figuring out things.

The OW declared she was NOT giving up my grandson, but in the end the good guys won (but I don't remember how!)

Told ya it was gonna be weird.

So at least I'll carry on one thought in the dream--- STOP IT! You are too cute for that nonsense.

Glad someone said STOP IT!...that exactly what I wante dto say but wasnt sure if I ahd the right yet....I didnt want to come off as to abrupt as I do not have the relationship with queenie - since I just started posting to her but I wanted to say same thing..

Hey Queenie



When I met you last year I can tell you my first thought was not related to your 'weight'. In fact it was OMG she is so short! Trust me, I love meeting short people. When your only just over 5 foot, short people make you feel tall!!

You dear lady are beautiful. Your H loves you as you are. Your kids love you as you are. Heck 50 thousand odd strangers (some stranger than others ) on MB love YOU, Queenie whatever your shape, colour, religion, deviant proclivities

Its like Mary Poppins said.. "practically perfect in every way"

I resemble that remark...

Ok no more feeling less than because of my weight. The truth is I am who I am and right now that just has to been good enough. However, just as a drunk - like me protects myself from going into bars, I also make sure to put myself in safe situations where someone isn't going to be uncomfortable because of my weight.

Enough on this because quite honestly it doesn't matter in the REAL scheme of life. My G-d loves me exactly as I am and he needs me to focus on something else other than this topic.

I'm sitting here at my desk looking outside with the sun coming up, hitting the cedars and trees all around and it's absolutely stunning to see. I LOVE living out here in the quiet, away from almost everyone with just G-ds beauty around. It's supposed to be clear blue skies and almost 60 degrees. I remember many years ago on this day sitting in the dean of students office listening to them tell me what my OS had done and why he is getting suspended for two days. As I sat there and smiled they wanted to know what I was smiling about. You see, I was working for the school by this point. My response... Well, let's see... It's absolutely gorgeous outside, it's supposed to be that way for the next two days, and SOMEONE needed to stay home with the child. So for two days, I sat outside looking over my son cleaning out ditches, basking in the sun all the while not realizing how life could turn out.

I've actually heard from my son three times now. His letters crack me up. He started out the first letter, mostly messy MAYBE two paragraphs. Then the second letter was almost a page long and yesterdays letter was almost two pages long. Not to mention the handwriting was so much better. We will just leave the grammar and stuff alone, but suffice to say, his teachers are simply shaking their heads getting that he NEVER listened. LOL

I'll get to the update on my M in a moment. Last week I buried a 17 year old girl who had nothing but a bright promising future ahead of her. Tomorrow I will attend the funeral of a 16 year old boy who hung himself on Sunday night/Monday morning. His father found him. My son didn't know this child - recognized his picture, but evidently I did. I went to AA meeting with him. On Tuesday, I was overwhelmed with emotions internally because there were "things" happening in my M that I didn't know what to do about, and I felt so helpless for this boy. I'm so angry because our school district/community don't REALLY want to look at the absolutely growing drug problem effecting these kids. Especially with heroin and oxycontin. And why? Becuase many of them are either selling or doing it themselves. People really do die from this disease.

So, I reached out to two specific people. I wanted to find a purpose to help and stop this madness of uneccesary deaths. That young woman's death couldn't have been prevented but this one's absolutely could have. So I started out looking how to reach the district, reach the kids and get them to wake up. But in talking to the counselor I realized something very interesting. I looked at my own backyard, I looked at what was happening in the rooms of AA lately. And it became really impactful that many of us have been in the rooms just dumping because we are struggling so bad from this that and the other. People with 8 years, 15 years, 40 years still struggling with stuff and I thought about how that is impacting the 16 year olds who are there looking at the rest of their life, wondering if they are thinking to themself is this all there is.

I also went to the place of wondering what did WE as AA do wrong for this kid. Where were we? Were we following up, reaching out to him and if not to him how many others are we doing that for. And oh by the way what the frick ARE we going to do about it. I felt rejuvenated with an idea of how to pray and seek G-d for answers on my next indicated step.

A little while later my sponsor called me and she was very good friends with this family because she had the child in school and became very close to the mom. She talked to me about how she dumped at the meeting about how we had failed this kid and went on about the very same exact things that I was realizing.

I don't know how G-d will take us through this and help us to become better at reaching the young people, but I can promise you I will try. I don't want this kids life to have meant nothing.

Now, those "things" I talked about.

I had an interesting talk with someone from here the other day on facebook. We were talking about R. We all remember how people warned us that it was harder than we could imagine. Well, I'm sure I am the ONLY one who didn't believe them and thought how much harder could it be.

Just like what got us here, my experiences are that each R is different and it's just the way that G-d planned it. I'm just going to be honest and lay my cards out. Because I have done the work and been willing to take risks and change.

I would imagine that a fair percentage of us wish that our waywards would come back like tst did, willing to do anything and everything that smb required. Who on here wouldn't have wanted that list of demands to have been as detailed as hers was and not only had it, but gotten them to POJA about it. I sure would have. But that's not my story. My story is so different and yet they are both still about the journey of recovery.

I think it's fair to say that smb and many others continue to experience triggers that are fairly deep and painful to walk through. There are many of you who are having such a hard time forgiving and forgetting. Many of you have horribly had to walk through the bull dog stuff of a fake recovery and then had the blessings of a real one.

My WH didn't come home wanting to do everything I demanded. He relunctantly agreed to read about the MB principles and he quite honestly hasn't been in support of learning about them either. I remember Mimi telling me that they don't come home a completely different person, that as the alien takes over their mind and body when they finally leave the person that is left is still the husband of before. Albeit changed and probably damaged.

But it's those wayward characteristics that took so long to become a part of them, takes almost if not longer to go away. And I have been absolutely privledged to watch this happen in my H. Each day I see growth in him, then two steps back, then forward etc..

D-day is coming up on three years ago... and the reality is I haven't been with my H for over 4 years. I want it.... LOL

He got fired from his job and unemployment hasn't happened yet. He lied to me about it for almost 5 days, not because he told me a lie, but because he didn't tell me about it. He is a procrastinator, has sat on his 4th step, sat on it, sat on it to where I just wanted to . I started noticing that he was picking on me more and just not talking.

So let's add this up... Queenie's top needs are SF, Financial Security and Conversation. Not only had he not been meeting those needs but he started LB's about them as well. Can ya hear the drain noise yet.

Tuesday night after he got home bringing YS from practice we got into bed and I asked a simple yes and no question. He did the thing I HATE most, he didn't give me a simply answer. I just matter of fact said answere yes or no. He did, I thanked him, kissed him and rolled over and went to sleep.

In the morning, after not sleeping very well, heaviness on my heart for the young man who HUNG himself, for the red flags circulating in my head, I kissed him quickly, told him I loved him and went to work.

He KNEW something was wrong and we began talking on yahoo back and forth. I told him I just wanted to lay the cards on the table and be completely honest about my feelings but that I was afraid to. He told me he could understand that and that he was afraid. We agreed that for just that moment in time we would try and just be completely vulnerable and lay our cards out on the table. And so we began to.

In the end.... he picked up SAA and continued reading in it. He is meeting with his sponsor right now to do his 5th step. He has been talking way more to me the last few days, he has been helping with the chores, going to more meetings, and probably has a job once the drug tests come back.

I continue to pray to my G-d and seek his guidance on the next indicated step. For me, right now, right this moment is to get up, get dressed and get my son down to his lacrosse practice, go sit at starbucks and crossstitch the winnie the pooh pattern I found for my grandson and just be still.

Because G-d is working something out in him and it's that other side of the mountain which isn't my problem... It's G-ds charge.

Shabbat Shalom ya'll... If you are in the PNW, get OUTSIDE and breathe in G-d.....

Have a sweet morning...

Sorry Queenie, I just gotta

NO ONE BELIEVES US WHEN WE TELL THEM ... RECOVERY IS HARD !!!!!