|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 439
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 439 |
I am not sure that I can completely stop packing and planning to move out, I think this may go to a Plan B, but for a couple of weeks I will attempt to plan A again. The best that I can. Both Plan A and plan B mean you are taking D off the table from your side. You are either in or out. It�s like saying you are a little bit pregnant. You either are or you aren�t. Every box you pack or every time you COMMUNICATE that you are throwing in the towel RE-CONFIRMS his fear that even if he tries to fix it with you, you will be out the door.
IMHO EVERY WS is shocked by plan A because they cannot believe that after their A any sane person is willing to ACCEPT them especially the one they hurt. Consistency is very important here until your WH has an unwavering belief in the FACT that you are really willing to move past this. That is their biggest fear and every time you throw in the towel or let him know that you are wavering he justifies to himself that he is making the right choice by moving on. Now with my BS hat on - Ofcouse you are wavering on wanting to walk this road. It bl**dy hard and I am pissed that as the victim you have to be the rescuer for him and you. Life sucks! But if that�s the price you have to pay to get your M back then is that price worth it for you? You cant see it right no but it is possible to have a good/better M after all this is over. All the survivors here are proof of that. I too was in your shoes once with no hope and just having to do all the work. So let me remind you that YES its possible to recover. Was it worth it for me? YES !!!! YES !!!! YES !!!! Vent all you want, waver all you want , doubt all you want. JUST NOT LET HIM SEE OR HEAR ANY OF THAT. He has a rough draft of D on the table and now attempts to spend one night every weekend with OW. Are you ready to re-commit to plan A or B in spite of your H's progress towards it ? So, again what do I do and say to turn his head even if just for a moment? In order for him to turn and look with hopefulness at your M first and foremost you have to believe it�s possible. You have to offer that glimmer of hope to him with either Plan A until you can stand it and then follow thru and continue that communication of hope with Plan B until he gets it thru this thick skull  that YOU are COMMITTED to this Recovery and that it is possible to move past it in spite of what he has done and continues to do. You sending him that email wishing him HB was a job well done. 
FBW(me)- 45
FWH- 53
D-day 4/29/08
Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614 |
OK - here is what I have not voiced aloud, to myself, or anyone else.
What if? He does not love me anymore and really does love her?
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 439
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 439 |
What if? He does not love me anymore and really does love her? Ok mymissy this one is for you Stop trying to figure out WHY and try and undertand A's. They are not worthy of analysing, and you will get lost in that maze. You feel love when your EN's are being met. If you meet his EN's he WILL love you. There is no magic spell. I once read a thread here that described that in deatil. I will look for it. Pep if you ( or any one else) know what post I am talking about can you bump it or cut and paste here. I think it might have been one of Mark's not sure. I'll look and be back with it.
FBW(me)- 45
FWH- 53
D-day 4/29/08
Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614 |
Thanks, I just needed to hear someone else voice that, everyone is telling me to move on - that he is done and has moved on to her.
I just cannot believe that....at least not yet...
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 439
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 439 |
I cant find the post I am looking for but if it will help you any and you have time to go thru it I found my original thread. I cant bear to read it cause I hear my self talking there and I want to myself when I hear me there. There is INVALUABLE advise there from Schoolbus among others and I hope that my journey will help you see that I really was as doubtful and as insecure as you are today and the one needing the and the support. Today I am happy to be able to pass that along  My journey
Last edited by wannamoveforward; 02/28/10 03:03 PM. Reason: Added link
FBW(me)- 45
FWH- 53
D-day 4/29/08
Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614 |
Here is the most difficult part, meeting those emotional needs when we are not speaking and have not seen each other in almost 2 weeks.
I have read the material, just not sure how to apply at this point.
I know what his EN are...just not sure how to get there?
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614 |
His sister emailed this afternoon, here is what she said:
"Sorry I took so long getting to this. I got interrupted a few times. He called me this afternoon and we talked for a little bit. His heart and mind are not focusing on fixing things. The last few conversations I have had with him he seems to be more and more focused on moving on with his life. He seems very confident in his decision. I know I have said this before, but I think you need to keep your focus on moving on as well. At this point I don't think it matters who may or may not think He is making a mistake. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to remove yourself from the situation. If He is headed for a big crash you don't want to be in the middle of it. You don't want to be seen as contributing to the cause of it. If he crashes and comes to you later for help picking up the pieces, you can decide at that time if you want to, but right now I'm afraid the more you try to push him and convince him he is making a mistake, the more you may actually be pushing him further and further away. I wish I could be more helpful to you. Like I said this morning, I just want Him and you, both to find peace."
This is what his family, my family, and all my friends are telling me. I feel hopeless.....
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080 |
MM Very few people around understand wanting to save a M after A. It seems to go against the grain. It may be they have never experienced it and until you have been on either side its hard to say what you would do. I would like to put a call out to FWH's and ask their opinion - what do I do and what do I say. I posted this to lostwithouther a short while back..
I liked this post...
I still pray now more than ever he can become the lighthouse....
I hope some others find comfort from the storm...
Your spouse is in huge conflict
the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...
the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...
It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush
their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...
their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth
all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....
they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...
he or she is lost to themselves...
and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...
You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...
see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...
Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....
they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...
you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....
Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....
your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...
be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....
strength to you all..
ARK Wannamoveforward quote IMHO EVERY WS is shocked by plan A because they cannot believe that after their A any sane person is willing to ACCEPT them especially the one they hurt. As a FWW I could not believe my W wanted to try again. I was about 3 days away from moving in with OW. From her it was a phone call after about 3 months of total no contact asking if we could try again. That simple phone call was enough for me to dump OW and move into the apt alone for 3 months while we (W & I)started conversation and negotiation. I was not happy and extremely confused..with myself..PERIOD This very slowly started the road back to 10 years of a good M. My DD16 was born during that time after five years of being back together. I just wanted to share my experience with you. I know its different for each situation and I don't know that there is a stock answer. Keeping a LIGHtHOUSE out there for him may be all you can do. My situation happened back in 1987 so no MB's then. I think PEP said it best IF HE DOESN'T GET IT THEN HES AN IDIOT. NESRE
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614 |
Thanks, I still wish there was a script to follow....
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
Mymissy- I know exactly what you are feeling. I was feeling that too. It's funny, I just realized that I don't feel quite like that anymore. My feeling was this, "If only someone could say to me, "It will be x number of months and then your WH will return to your M", then I would be able to do this." I thought that if I KNEW the outcome, then it would be easier.
I have changed my thinking. Now it is, "I have a PLAN. No matter what happens, I WILL BE OKAY. I will continue on with my PLAN no matter what. I WILL BE OKAY."
There are still moments when I think, "Why do I keep doing this? Wouldn't it be easier to just give up?" Then I remember that I BELIEVE in MB. I have HOPE and I have FAITH. When I am thinking logically, I have chosen a certain path. I need to complete my journey. It is SO worth it. I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned a lot about others. I have met some MARVELOUS people. I have changed for the better. I LOVE ME.
We all have hard days. SOme days are worse than others. Do what you need to to get through them. Stay on your course. You will be GREAT.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614 |
I came home tonight, he is already in bed asleep, in a different part of the house. He left me a note since he is getting ready to go back out of town for a couple of days, some everyday things and a comment - "I know you probably don't want to talk to me, but the dissolution papers are ready. They must be sent certified mail so I cannot give them to you personally".
I am still reeling from the discovery of the A 8 weeks ago, I am still waiting for him to say to me, I am unhappy and want out of this marriage.
I have to get an email from his sister saying that after she talked with him today it is obvious that he is done with our marriage and moving forward, I need to do the same for my own best interest.
I feel as though I have been in the twilight zone for 8 weeks.
When has anyone asked me how I feel or what I want, not just roll over and play dead.
I want to leave some sort of note back to him, but do not know what to say,
any suggestions
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928 |
Personally, I would not even sign for the certified mail.
Dissolution papers are no good if you don't sign them, right?
I don't really know how it works if you refuse to sign the papers.
I'd just leave a note saying, "Have a safe trip!"
Last edited by Lady_Clueless; 02/28/10 10:54 PM.
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614 |
Interesting, I will maybe have to ask my lawyer what happens if I don't go to post office and pick up.
Thanks for the other tip, my comments were definitely more sarcastic than that and would have been a LB.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614 |
Is there a Plan B/D, what are the statistics of those who manage to pull it all back together after the separation and then a divorce? just curious????????
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080 |
MM
I don't know the statisics. Maybe another member does.
It sounds like your exhausted from all this. I know I was to b-4 seperation. WW was there-not there-there again. 3X's asked to leave. PLB'd when she did leave -broke that. DD and I moved to security apt to get away from her alcoholism and A. WW is also an active alcoholic who continually relapses.
Way different than your situation but DD and I talked a lot and we both were exhausted.
In previous posts Pepperband wrote about Disolution in your thread. You may want to go back and read those portions.
Also JMO I get the feeling you dont want to make waves and go against the grain.
LC on a post above suggested a simple note saying have a nice week or something to that affect.
Wanna really confuse WW more? (PLA) Send a snack or lunch with him...Get up earlier than him and look good. Send him off for the week on a good note...
This may set the stage for a good PLB if this is the direction you choose to go. Either way its not wasted.
BE THE LIGHTHOUSE.
As a FWW It would confuse the HE!! outa me.
Just a suggestion if you can pull it off.
nESRE
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,455
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,455 |
Hi Mymissy,
Just checking in. I know the feeling of wanting our own script and how this will play out. It would make it so much easier for the BS.
It is difficult road but I know that God has his plan for me and I had to turn it over to Him to restore my sanity. I work on myself (not always successfully) but try to keep my confidence (which took forever to come back), create a happy home for DD and have faith in myself.
Even if you do not feel like it. Try and be happy and show that side to WS. What is a better picture in his mind when he leaves; you crying sobbing and begging or a nice little message saying have a safe trip, a snack like someone suggested and no mention of D papers.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698 |
Is there a Plan B/D, what are the statistics of those who manage to pull it all back together after the separation and then a divorce? just curious???????? Unfortunately there are no real statistics regarding that available, just plenty stating that most affairs (97%) will end within 2 years and of the 3% left that go on to marriage, 75% will end within 6 years, making a whole 1.5% a success. No matter how special WS's think their relationships are, they're just not that lucky:) I do know of M's on MB that have recovered after long term separation and yes, even divorce. My DH's A last about 4.5 months and we are about 18 months into recovery. Until your WH is actually out of the house and sight Plan A in every way. Always be the better person, expect nothing from them, show your love, accept whatever good and kindness the give, put on a pretty, happy face and don't talk about the marriage or divorce. If he brings it up just say "I don't do divorce honey, want a coffee?"
Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,116
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,116 |
I agree with the others. WH is not the boss of you, and you do not need to cooperate with his request to sign papers. Why make it easy for him to hurt you?
And 8 weeks post d-day is way too soon to be making major decisions. Believe me, I was a mess at d-day, too -- crying all the time, sleepless, not hungry, obsessive, moody, emotional, irrational -- pretty much CRAZY.
So delay, delay, delay to allow your mental health to return. Start by ignoring the people who say "move on." YOU are the only one whose opinion matters right now. You have to live with the decisions you make. You are the boss of you!
M 25 yrs, 3 teens
Dday 12/07
5ish False Recoveries (all in 2008)
12/08 WH moves in w/OW, her kids
Plan B/D/FU -- depending on the day
He files 1/09; D final 12/2012
"I'm moving on"
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,455
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,455 |
Start by ignoring the people who say "move on." YOU are the only one whose opinion matters right now. You have to live with the decisions you make. You are the boss of you! I find that when people tell me to move on it is because they want the hurt to stop for me and think that will "fix it". Most of them say it out of kindness or ignorance not realizing that this is the last thing we want to hear.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
I agree with the others. WH is not the boss of you, and you do not need to cooperate with his request to sign papers. Why make it easy for him to hurt you?
And 8 weeks post d-day is way too soon to be making major decisions. Believe me, I was a mess at d-day, too -- crying all the time, sleepless, not hungry, obsessive, moody, emotional, irrational -- pretty much CRAZY.
So delay, delay, delay to allow your mental health to return. Start by ignoring the people who say "move on." YOU are the only one whose opinion matters right now. You have to live with the decisions you make. You are the boss of you!
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
1 members (whwh747474),
473
guests, and
54
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
