oh dear i think i have made a major mistake, he phoned me again from the bar and asked if i would pick him up because he wanted to see me, of course like a fool i went, when i got there he was fairly drunk and was talking rubbish, when i stopped at his brothers to let him out, he leaned over and gave me such a passionate kiss, i came back home and he phoned again to say thank you, i said i think the kiss was not the right thing to have happened and he said you wanted it though didnt you, he said he was going to sleep now, i said be careful because you will miss your train journey (OW) and he mumbled about a hotel night - and he will ring me tomorrow, i feel so stupid - his brother thinks maybe he is having second thoughts, but he has still gone to her

What you are saying is that he is now with OW for the week end?
He is really playing with you like cat and mouse because he knows he can.
I would really go into plan b now. You are going to get hurt more and more otherwise.
blessing

Are you willing to be his booty call? After you get a D, will you still be his Fk-friend? You are going to have to go in to Plan B, I believe. I don't know how you could do this for a prolonged period of time.

My Dad has been doing this with my Mom for a year and a half. My Mom goes to my Dad's when her POSOM is at work. My Dad is getting a bit tired of this.

Are you happy living with his crumbs? What happens when he decides he doesn't need you anymore? What will you do? How will you feel?

Please think about the things posted on here. Take care.

If you think you are doing plan A now, you are not. YOu are doing plan door mat. Pretty soon you will start looking so unappealing to your WH that he will lose interest in you totally and make R impossible.
I know that because i was in plan door mat for very long...and lost my M.
You see, by doing what you are doing you are making OW look very very good. And that's who he want to be with now. He want to be with her otherwise he would move back in with you.
Look at his actions...not his words.
Who is he with now? Answer that.
Plan B.

Blessing

thanks for your replies all

i think i may have caused and upset, WH phones this moring and said hi you ok, what are you doing etc, he said that his half of the mortgage has been put into bank - i said your very cold today are you not alone, he laughed and said yes i am on the bus, i said why are you talking cold, he said i just said i am on bus going back to brothers - i know he stayed in a hotel last night with OW but this is the first time he has not stayed with her over the weekend ?

i am so annoyed that i snapped at him

Hi wherenext,

It doesn't sound to me that you snapped at him but the important thing is that if you did, at least you recognise it and therefore can try to not do it again.

We all have hiccups in this. Plan A is not easy.

TM

i just have this horrible feeling that that will be the last i here from him, i sent a sorry and thanks for money text but did not get a reply

sorry for what? My dear stop being a door mat.
Go into plan b. You are going to make this harder adn harder if you don't!
blessing

Calm down, Where. You are acting desperate and clingy. Those are not attractive traits to anyone much less a WH. Remember that Plan A is for you. Start a yoga class, join a book club, get your hair highlighted, paint a room, make some changes in your home that reflect the new, positive, independent you,don't pick up the next time he calls. Don't be so readily available. Ask him to go to a movie with you and when he doesn't, text him and tell him what he missed cause you went without him. In other words, begin a new life with or without him. Make him wonder. You are one step from pathetic right now. Change that.

You can do this!!! You have nothing to apologize for. You did not screw up, he did.

God's Blessings,

Say

I think you need to cut all contact with your H. He is stringing you along. He wants you waiting in the wings, doesn't want anyone else to have you, while he goes on his merry way spending weekends and evenings with his affair partner. You FEEL GUILTY FOR SNAPPING AT HIM???? Please...HE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES.....he's enjoying having you still hanging on for him while he does whatever he wants.

I think to suggest you continue Plan A is ridiculous. It obviously has no effect on him....he's enjoying it.....gets treated nicely by you while getting his physical needs met elsewhere and leaving you to live alone and emotionally distraught. Also, you are so vulnerable to him that you feel guilty when you get upset with him because he, YOUR H, is having a an affair.

Please, for your own sake, go no contact with him. There is no reason to subject yourself to this any longer. You need to get strong, get a backbone, and keep him out of your life unless or until he cuts all contact with OW.

I agree that he is stringing her along and she is in doormat mode but she has not been in Plan A long enough to go to Plan B IMHO. I am far from a vet here but I think considering that he is already living outside the marital home, she can tolerate a few more weeks of Plan A as long as she has an end date in mind.

She definately has to modify her behavior and let him come to her. He seems to still have an attachment and allows her to meet some of his ENs. Cake eater? Indeed but she can still leave him with pleasant memories of home when she goes dark on him.

God's Blessings,

Say

I'm not a vet either, but I disagree she should subject herself to his stringing her along. He knows she loves him. He knows she wants him back. She's been way too accomodating for way too long in my book......she was doing Plan A and appeasing him before she ever got on this site.

You teach people how to treat you. The longer he gets away with this behavior toward her, the longer she suffers and he doesn't learn any different.

I will let Melody lane and other vets chime in here but I too think that maybe a little more time in Plan A wouldn't hurt. A clear plan for a Plan B and some time to get it ready would do her good.

hi all

well, he stayed with her friday night, returned to his brothers the following morning, he phoned me whild he was on bus but seemed cold, he did not see her saturday at all, she appartently was visiting friends and family, on sunday he met her from the train and they went to work, he left work alone and returned to his brothers - he phoned me this morning with the excuse of asking if the bills had been paid ?? i said dont worry because they are not your bills anymore ? he said he was looking for a flat but couldnt find one in his range, then he went into the, are you ok etc etc stage and said speak to you soon - there was no mention of our kiss or reference to the calls and texts beforehand - why does this woman never take him to family events etc, he left a message on facebook saying there must be more to life than this ?

i know for definite the calls he makes are not booty calls, there are never any reference to anything like that.
is it possible his "relationship is starting to fade ??? he is with her tonight though

Wherenext,

What is your plan?

God's Blessings,

Say

hi say

well its now been 5 weeks since the relationship became a physical affair, the first 3 weeks i would say i made every mistake in the book, shouting, begging etc etc - i have since been amicable during 99% of the calls(i have never made a call to him)only a few texts in reply, he rings some weeks every day or every other in some he has been very emotional, so i have tried the compliments, and EN when he has been here or met (only 4 times)and have used pet names we had, these types of comments always end in laughter from us both, i am just not sure of the reasons why he calls so often, its def not sexually inferred at all apart from last weeks kiss goodbye
his brother said a strange thing as well, WH has downloaded a song and plays it constantly, its called paper roses by marie osmond -we did have a copy of this song years ago and sung it together at a party in november

i should also have added that i have spent this time working on myself, new wardrobe, hairstyle etc etc and have been going out with my daughter, but is am still finding everyday things difficult, although i dont feel as hopeless as i did in the beginning, i have some good days and some very bad ones.

so with the mixed replies, shall i carry on with plan a or now go straight to plan b and dark

hi everyone

i am still none the wiser at what is going on, WH has now moved into his own flat and asked me to go with him to furnish it etc, which i did - the OW was still on the scene and then it seemed something went wrong and they ended it, she said he smothered her all the time and she only wants a relationship that is of 2/3 nights a week because she has a busy social life and career, he has told me that he has never met any of her friends or been included in the nights out with them, but a week later when they met again at work it was all back on again, on her terms, he still comes to the house a couple of times a week and rings me 5/6 times a day, BUT he still insists that we are best friends-saturday i went out for the day and forgot my phone, when i returned there was 54 missed calls from him and several voice mails crying to me to please talk to him, i went to see him at his flat and he was beside himself saying he was so scared i was ill or had been hurt etc - he has said he has told the OW that we are in contact and he comes round once a fortnight to do garden chores etc, but she has no idea that we have as much contact as we do and he says she is totally fine with it, he even has my photo on his bedroom window sill but she has made no comment and he says it stays there even if she dont like it,- he still says his head is mucked up and he has a doctors visit on tuesday and hopes he will be referrred for councelling.

please why is this happening, he says he loves me in his own way and the same with OW - no contact/going dark just does not happen, he calls everyone we know if i dont answer or comes to the house - i have tried all of the love bank parts and think i am making progress then bang she steps up to the plate and back to square one.

should i give up on this now ?????

He is cake eating. So long as he is in the affair, that is the way it will be.

Have you tried exposure? If not, why not. The affair MUST be busted up before you can make any progress.

Larry