As billy crystal said in "when harry met sally"

Men and women can not be friends, then he said well maybe the ugly ones, then he said nah, pretty much after awhile you'll want to nail them too.

Having a friendship with the opposite sex is the first step on the slippery slope to infidelity.

Marriages have ups and downs. Needs such as recreation an conversation need to be met by one's spouse. Temporay leaning on the OS friend for this and other needs is where affairs start.

This is why I will never be married.

All of the friends that I have ever had are men. I simply cannot relate to my female peers well enough to have an extended friendship.

I just don't know what to think of this, I know he wouldn't have an A with her. He's not attracted to her, that and he wouldn't hurt want to hurt her husband(which is his friend as well). I know him well enough to know he would't cheat. He's had plenty of opportunity to cheat, he tells me of all the woman who's hit on him. I almost always know where he is and when I ask him things he more than happy to tell me what he been up to or doing. No red flags except for the friend (that he has been friends with for more than 10years). I'm just concerned that there might be hints of an EA. They are moving to another town and it's going to be harder for them to see each other, but they chat on Facebook, it's not the physical stuff I'm worried about, I think she's meeting some sort of EN...they mostly talk about their one interest, cars. And any time I express interest he seems very mildly irritated and doesn't seem to want me to talk about it. I really want to learn all there is to know about cars and I want hubby to teach me what he know (I grew up with a mom who told me what to be interested in and I wanted to know about cars then, but she said that's not what girls do) He taught me to change spark plugs and wires 7 yrs ago and that was the last thing he taught me how to do. I try to follow what he tells me, but it's like he's talking over my head and I feel overwhelmed because he never started explanations simple. I always wanted him to get a model engine from where he works so I could learn but he never has. But, when he talks to her he doesn't have to explain anything and I'm not sure if the spark in his eye is that he's talking about cars or to her.

Why do you need him to learn cars ?. There are many books and local community classes about cars. You are trying to get him to fillin your EN affection and missing the point of his EN conversation/companionship. Yes, it would be perfect if he is willing to teach you with attentions/cares and he gets his EN met too. Surprise him. Learn about cars on your own and when you have enough knowledge you could practice "car talk" with someone or even join him in conversation.

-rh-

I think I surprised him today when I learned something about the car parts he is buying...I think he get's little annoyed because I know so little and he has to explain, and the way he explains just gets me lost, so I think I'll try and learn on my own.

. When he realizes he could converse with you, you need to train him to fillin your EN ... paying attentions. Throw a admiration in there too ... blow up his ego .

-rh-

What's the best way to show admiration to someone who "doesn't like"it and can't seem to take a compliment?

You don't do it. It is an LB. However you have to see if H doesn't like it or reject it b/c it come from you or just about from everyone ?.

-rh-

W02,

Showing admiration isn't just gazing into his eyes and saying "Gosh Dear you are the greatest."

You can show admiration by admiring him. You do that by smiling when you are around him. Smiling when he does somethng you like. Just reaching out and patting him on the back when something works well. You can show admiration but simply being happy around him.

Men pick up on that sort of thing. Have you ever paid any attention to how to male friends interact??? They put each other down. They make jokes at the others expense. The give each other a hard time and then...one will buy the other a beer. Heck when I was a batchelor my best friend drove 700 miles and hardly exchanged a word until we go to gas stations and such. 40 years later we still think of that as one of our best trips.

My point is that men communicate very differently than women and we often need things from women that they have no clue about. It is part of what Harley talkes abou with regard to meeting needs and paying attention to how they are met.

Men on the whole lead fairly solitary lives because we are not as social as women. Therefore what we value is someone who has our back no matter what?

If your H feels you approve of him. If he begins to feel that you are comfortable around him, that you like being around him, he will start to open up to you, but it will very likely not be words at first, but in how he responds to your actions.

This is a process w02 and it takes time. You have some seeds to plan, then you have to allow them to germinate. Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

That is very interesting...my hubby was very solitary(I think more than most, mostly because his friends always want something from him and when he needs something they disappear) when I met him and had spent a lot of time alone.....I have noticed that if I am happy around him, he seems happier. I am going to have to work super, super hard to be happy around him.

I am working hard to full fill the one EN I KNOW he has which is Recreational Companionship...and since we don't go anywhere that often, I make sure I sit with him whenever I can. He really seems to enjoy that. And it didn't take long to figure out what it was...that and domestic support. I just thought about the things he gets the most um....I don't know if upset is the right word, maybe stressed about if he doesn't get it.

Your H doesn't seem like the average cocky guy. Ill bet that is connected somehow to how seriuos he is most of the time.

I agree that you being happy is directly related to how he feels. He seems like he is of a very social mindset but not a controll freak type. Lots of appreciation but not to obviuos untill he trusts the intentions right now.

I can sympathize with the fair weather friends thing. It might be a good thing if you guys can find friends you both can trust and like who are a couple. But thats prob down theroad

My hubby is so far from cocky, I think that's one of the things that attracted me to him. I love his personality...but his biggest complaint about me over the last few months was my lack of sense of humor...as soon as I started laughing more at things he says (not phoney, I really think he's funny...I just haven't really felt like I could laugh since I've been in a depressed mood lately)I haven't heard as much complaints about my lack of humor. I love to see that look in his eye after I have actually laughed at something he has said. I guess even though I did think it was funny, he had to hear me laugh.

The friends thing, I have the hardest time making friends and I only have 2 that aren't fair weather and he might have 1. But it just seems the more we have helped our friends the less they want to help us. He has lent out money...has yet to get it back...he never needs to borrow money, sometimes he just wants people to maybe come over once in a great while and they never do, we always go see them. He's really aggravated by it, but he doesn't let it show, but I can kind of hear it in his voice. I just wonder if he feel the way I do about these fair weather people...I just feel left out sometimes. Hubby is one of the very few people who has been there when I needed someone...I just want to be there for him. It's just harder when your the stay at home mom that's dependent on the husband for everything.

W02,

Will you please read your last post and this quote

Just read it and tell me what you see, and what your H sees in your marriage or would want in a marriage, give this quote and what you just posted.

God Bless,

JL

JL as allways is onto something.

I have a question W02. How does he feel about his parents marriage? If he admires and respects them have you ever studied thier relationship? Are you close to his Mom? I remember you mentioning them before and that they were married a long time.

They say a boys first girlfrind is his Mom. That is where they learn about how to treat a woman and what to expect in return. If Dad was a good husband also maybe you could learn some from them. Its no surprise that people have to learn how to be married. They might have some insight that you could glean from. Him too..


You mentioned before how H implodes when you get really upset. With me I hated seeing my W get upset and my first reaction is to help her and restore her "happiness". Sometimes that was possible and sometimes it wasn't. It depended on what circumstances surrounding her dilema. I allways tried to keep a cool head and be reasonable and compassionate because my wife had panic problems. Her problem sometimes resulted in really bad choices and even though I knew that her bad choices might not be my fault intellectually I felt like they were. This was stressful to me and could drive me into depression if I let it. I'm not saying that you get upset over nothing. I just wonder how confidant your husband feels that he can meet your needs and how you getting upset effects him.

You can see that Hubby gets major Ens met when you are happy. Someone said in an earlier post just be happy around him and that was good advice. He needs to feel adequate for you in every way you need. Every man needs to feel that his wife is happy with him and in your H case prolly because he is such a soft touch more so. I think he might be intimidated when you get upset as well as not getting that this is how you express emotion. There is a fine line between understanding our wifes tempoary emotional state and getting over it and feeling inadaquate and a failure. It can be scary and stressful.

I applaud your complete transparency here. You state just what you think and felt,feel along with the ability to see how your husband reacts. I am probably jumping the gun here but its possible that you are very instant in expression and he is more reserved with his emotions, somehow ashamed of them. Its such a good thing to hear he laughs with you and is responding. At some time you guys could be dealing with any problems that might remain between you and putting them all behind. You might feel like you are falling in love more deeply than ever in your lives. I sincerly pray so.

W02,

Have you read what I asked? Do you see how much power you have over your H? Do you see where you can feel needs in him that his friends and previous relationships could not? Do you see that it doesn't take "grand" gestures, but consistent happiness with your choice of him as your H. What he needs is your touch, your smile, and you with him. Is that so hard?

He knows he is defenseless against being used by friends and such. He KNOWS he is really defenseless against you. That is why your affair hurts sooo much. He knows what he thinks a real man would do, but he cannot do it. He cannot leave you. You have such power.

You need to realize that this man will move heaven and earth for you if you let him and show him what you need. But, you must also understand that people that have been burned are very aware of thier weaknesses and can only step back as protection.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

I am not sure how he feels about his parents marriage. With what I know he was close to his mother. He was her favorite...his dad wasn't around much and his bother was his dad's favorite. His dad had some kind of possible affair when he was in High School and he helped his mom with that and his dad came back to his senses. It's strange to hear him talk about it, he does not hate his dad at all and the way he describes it, it's sounds like his dad was foggy and he understands his dad was not himself. He didn't have a good relationship with his dad until after he was married the first time.
His parents don't exactly get along very well, they love each other but sometimes it's hard to see. His dad tends to be reserved, but I only see his parents maybe once a month. So I don't really feel I know him that well. His mother is quite nice, but I think she was harsh with discipline.

He has never reacted in my opinion well to me getting upset...I usually just want a shoulder to either lean on or cry on, and he just doesn't seem to want to give it. I admit I tend to be very emotional and I'm working on reining back my reactions. I do react fast and he doesn't, he requires great reading to determine sometimes, unless he's angry. He tends to explode when he's angry, but I guess anger is a safer more acceptable emotion for a man to express.

I honestly feel like I am more in love with him now than I ever have been with him, I'd like to think I'd take a bullet for him...but you never know how your going to react when put in a situation like that.

I never really thought I had any power over him. He always says that I can't make him do anything...and when I think about it I have gotten him to do just about everything I've wanted him to do (except go to church, or anything else that might be considered social unless it's friends...he wants to throw a bbq this summer)
I just hope that I am doing a good job of showing him that I am happy with him.

Showing him carries more water than telling him for guys. It is the way we are. Women tend to be more verbal than men. Guys tend to look for what people do instead of what people say.

Larry

Almost finished reading "Surviving an Affair". Found it to be surprisingly insightful.

Now you are getting into Harley teachings. I think you will be amazed at the results.

Larry