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IF and I mean a bif IF she gors the same route mine did, she will be spouting that you are abusive and trying her best to set you off so she can further justify her adultery.
Absolutely DO NOT react. Merely respond with the reverse fog babble.
Mine was so evil she tried to have me killed when I refused to be violent, but I was in no shape to react that way. I had expended all of my energy extorting OM and telling his wife anyways.
I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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Wayward logic at it's finest, WS - Don't sweat it, her anger will pass - rest assured if she does leave and stay gone that was going to happen anyway - exposure did NOT cause it...Typical, immature, wayward, temper tantrum....
Not trying to be rude, but is English her second language? In all seriousness, if not, I would suggest that she take some classes [actually I'd suggest that either way] - the reason that I say that is because a HUGE part of her problem has been underinvestment in life - that has been what has caused the depression. Feelings follow actions - she needs to get busy doing something worthwhile...
Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Does she know that she is borderline illiterate?
She has zero concept of what word to use where.
Using know for now, threw for through, my for me, Ever hear of dyslexia? My W uses the wrong word all the time, even after having been corrected recently for the same misused word. It has nothing 2 do with literacy or intelligence. Dyslexics are often very bright, on average, in fact. But of course, "bright" people cheat as often as the 2wits do. Not saying that's what's the si2ation is here, though. Just sayin' is all. -ol' 2long
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Does she know that she is borderline illiterate? Whoa. I don't want to raise the bar too high for her, that is just to much. Usually she has me proof read. I got really tired of proofreading everything a long time ago and just said, yup looks great babe. Now, why the heck would you do a thing like that? If she needs proof-reading and you, her husband, can be of help, why wouldn't you help? This is just one of the points you can look 2 about your own behavior in the marriage and strive 2 make changes of your own 2 improve your chances at recovery... ...if that's what you want. -ol' 2long
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My goodness! I have to stop reading long enough to dig my red pen from my retirement box!
D-Day EA 11/29/08
D-Day PA 12/12/08
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The fog is strong with this one! How many actual people did she send this drivel to? Have you heard back from any of them? Does she know that she is borderline illiterate?
She has zero concept of what word to use where.
Using know for now, threw for through, my for me, Ever hear of dyslexia? I believe I am dyslexic. When righting I get words that sound the same but have different meanings mixed up constantly. I will wright some letters back wards if I don't think about there orientation before hand, and I cant spell to save my life. Yet I was reading on a collage level in middle school.
Last edited by Gack1; 03/03/10 01:32 PM.
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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2long could very well be right about dyslexia - I did not even consider that - I apologize. It still wouldn't change my perception that she hasn't been investing fully in life, and needs to find something worthwhile to fill her time.
Am I understanding correctly that she has been cyber gaming in her free time? Going out on a limb here, I'm guessing that she has let things go around the house - am I correct? She has quite likely let herself go as well, yes? Instead of filling her idle time with worthwhile things she has instead escaped into fantasy world and let reality go to the dogs. When people underinvest in life, depression follows...That is what I'm seeing in your wife - is this accurate, WS?
Mrs. W
P.S. I would also say that her belief that your son loved you more at age 4 months was a sign of post-partum depression.
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Now, why the heck would you do a thing like that? If she needs proof-reading and you, her husband, can be of help, why wouldn't you help?
This is just one of the points you can look 2 about your own behavior in the marriage and strive 2 make changes of your own 2 improve your chances at recovery... ...if that's what you want.
-ol' 2long I agree - though her diatribe is absolutely fog laden, there are usually some truths and real hurt buried in the rantings of a WS. It doesn't mean that her affair was justified at all - it just means that should you enter the recovery phase, you would do well to examine yourself and fix everything within your power to fix - and she must do so as well...You both were responsible for the state of the marriage pre-affair, so you both will have work to do. The choice to have an affair will always be hers though - that was a very poor way of dealing with problems - that only created more - she will come to understand this herself should she chose the recovery path. Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Talk about confused fog babble. . .
She is arranging her personal narrative and history to fit her current emotional state. Responding to her with anything but a very simple rebuttal would accomplish nothing. Do save it for some later time in life when you might need it, like divorce and custody. I don't see how anyone could or would read all of that babbling.
It boils down to "I am not a bad person, someone else made me do all that stuff." Well, at least for the part I did read. A lack of personal responsibility is a terrible thing to haul around.
Larry
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I agree - though her diatribe is absolutely fog laden, there are usually some truths and real hurt buried in the rantings of a WS. It doesn't mean that her affair was justified at all - it just means that should you enter the recovery phase, you would do well to examine yourself and fix everything within your power to fix - and she must do so as well...You both were responsible for the state of the marriage pre-affair, so you both will have work to do. The choice to have an affair will always be hers though - that was a very poor way of dealing with problems - that only created more - she will come to understand this herself should she chose the recovery path.
Mrs. W Yes, I have entered counseling for myself to improve. I have also looked into books like "No More Mr. Nice Guy" to help me express myself more directly without having to indirectly express myself through niceness, and work, which can build up pain and self shame until I snap. I know I have a problem with letting things build up inside to a point that I say something degrading, mean, and cutting. It is actually very rare that I explode, and when I do its a subtle painful jab of vindication without actually venting anger. I am activley working on myself to express myself more clearly. Any suggestions of what to do to help me are greatly appreciated. This marriage was deinatley neglected on both sides. I wish I knew about 3 years ago.
Last edited by Wheels_spinning; 03/03/10 02:10 PM.
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Talk about confused fog babble. . .
She is arranging her personal narrative and history to fit her current emotional state. Responding to her with anything but a very simple rebuttal would accomplish nothing. Do save it for some later time in life when you might need it, like divorce and custody. I don't see how anyone could or would read all of that babbling.
It boils down to "I am not a bad person, someone else made me do all that stuff." Well, at least for the part I did read. A lack of personal responsibility is a terrible thing to haul around.
Larry AGREE!!! *stomp*stomp*stomp* "OTHER PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR *MY* CHOICES!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" ![[Linked Image from s6.tinypic.com]](http://s6.tinypic.com/dzgx28_th.jpg) Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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I agree - though her diatribe is absolutely fog laden, there are usually some truths and real hurt buried in the rantings of a WS. It doesn't mean that her affair was justified at all - it just means that should you enter the recovery phase, you would do well to examine yourself and fix everything within your power to fix - and she must do so as well...You both were responsible for the state of the marriage pre-affair, so you both will have work to do. The choice to have an affair will always be hers though - that was a very poor way of dealing with problems - that only created more - she will come to understand this herself should she chose the recovery path.
Mrs. W Yes, I have entered counseling for myself to improve. I have also looked into books like "No More Mr. Nice Guy" to help me express myself more directly without having to indirectly express myself through niceness, and work, which can build up pain and self shame until I snap. I know I have a problem with letting things build up inside to a point that I say something degrading, mean, and cutting. It is actually very rare that I explode, and when I do its a subtle painful jab of vindication without actually venting anger. I am activley working on myself to express myself more clearly. Any suggestions of what to do to help me are greatly appreciated. This marriage was deinatley neglected on both sides. I wish I knew about 3 years ago. You seem like a very nice and reasonable man, WS...It sounds like you have used conflict avoidance/passive aggression as a means of interacting with your wife. I personally would recommend learning the MB program - MB teaches you how to negotiate respectfully - how to recognize and avoid disrespectful judgments and other love busters... What Dr. Harley books have you read? I would recommend His Needs, Her Needs, Love Busters and Fall in Love, Stay in Love... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Cool!
Thanks for the list. I have mostly been reading the articles here on the website, but a couple books would be good. I asked my mother in law to grab me "His Needs, Her Needs" from the library. The other two will be great for me also.
I will read these while my wife is gone. Not much else to do, but improve myself.
Have you ever noticed that you have energy to change, but forget everythihng when it is required to apply those changes? Guess I have to do homework again....lol.
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Here is my open letter to WW-
I am a former WW who had everything but the relationship that I wanted with my husband. Plenty of every kind of abuse in my past etc. I talked with my ex repeatedly about our problems- suggested couseling etc to no avail. Wouldn't go to counseling or anything.
You have some valid points I'm sure in the letter- however your situation is not unique- although you may think it is.
Bottom line- no matter what he did to you- it was still not grounds for you to go out and have affairs. Period.
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Thanks for the post coachswife. I am in a frightenly similar situation with wheels spinning (down to the online EA with guy from Australia!) and it's good to hear affirmation that no matter our problems, there was no justification for the A.
-SOL
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Hear my opinion of her novel here 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My goodness! I have to stop reading long enough to dig my red pen from my retirement box! ![[Linked Image from millan.net]](http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/coffeescreen.gif)
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The following posts are all a letter from my WW to everyone that exposed her to. I guess its one of the things I was not expecting, everything she says is true. How we allowed our marriage to get to this point? I don't know.
Spouse says I "forced her out by exposing her." I say she is welcome to stay. Invalid thinking. Goodness, fogginess, history re-creation and blameshifting - all in novel-length form!  I don't know who would read all of it, but I do know this: the length alone screams "justification." One problem with that: nothing justifies adultery. Nothing. And with every sentence she is underscoring her efforts to justify her adultery.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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If you ever are given the opportunity to discuss this "letter" with WW in the future (let's hope for the best and your M can recover) ... please, never bring up the comments about her lack of writing skills, her immaturity, as posted on this thread.
Own what you did wrong in the marriage.
Offer hope for a better marriage in the future.
Stick to this truth ~~~> "There is never any valid reason for adultery".
And finally, ask for a fresh new beginning, for both of you.
Because the both of you, working together, can make a successful marriage.
If you are blessed with an opportunity to recover your marriage, begin by eliminating ALL love busters on your side of the marriage.
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THIS, is the most valid, and most important thing she wrote:Right now I am angry, terrified, and emotionally distressed.
Do not wag your finger.
Do not make promises, or threats, or judgments, do not deliver ultimatums.
Ask her:
"What can I do, right this moment, to ease your pain?"
Remember, all of this grew from her pain.
Talk about her wounds.
Talk about your wounds.
Talk about the family in pain.
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