The following posts are all a letter from my WW to everyone that exposed her to. I guess its one of the things I was not expecting, everything she says is true. How we allowed our marriage to get to this point? I don't know.

Spouse says I "forced her out by exposing her." I say she is welcome to stay. Invalid thinking.

Please let me tell you what and how I am feeling.

For a long time I new I needed help, first I was always praying and telling myself that "I love <Husband>, I love <Husband>" even after <Son>, I was terrified that my feelings for <Husband> was going away and it killed me as a person, wife, and mother. For so many years I felt like this from <Husband> and he knows this this is nothing new to him how I felt threw out our marriage that I wasn't good enough for him. I tried so hard for <Husband> to approve of me and every time he would give me his "smart comment" (know one notice his comments, I can be in a room full of people and he could say something that would hurt me, and know one would notice.) He knew when he was hurting me they were very subtle but taking it for 7 years built up inside me and destroyed everything I was trying to build. Every time he would do this, everything I had done that I thought was great disappeard, so I felt I had to try harder, even then he would still make me feel this way. I felt like he was raising the bar too high for me, and with all my strength I couldn't even touch it. At first when we first got married I was so madly in love with him that even tho it would hurt me I just blew them off, cause I loved him and he loved me. and I would say to myself "<Wife>, your silly its just something stupid and small, get over it." He was still such a great husband, he did everything for me...and yet for him doing everything for me made me feel like a "failed" person in life, because I had it in my head with all those great comments he would make towards me that I was never good enough.

Then our sweet <Son> came and boy oh boy was I happy, I was soo happy, I was a mother! He was my angle, he was the world to me. Then when <Son> was 4 months old I noticed that <Son> wanted daddy more then mommy, and I started to get jealous, I tried soo hard not to be jealous of that because come on? We all know that our kids love both of us the same right? I tried convincing myself for YEARS to get over this jealousy I had with <Husband>. Then those feelings of not being good enough came rushing back in, and the way <Husband> treated me I felt I was failing as a mother as well. <Husband> knows this as well, we talked about this about 9 months ago when I couldnt handle it any longer. He remembers the things he's said that hurt me, and he did admit that sometimes he did do that on purpose and sometimes on accident, and those times he did it on accident he knew what he did after he said them and apologized. But you see the damaged already took place. The damaged started even before we were married, but i was so in love with him that I didnt care, we all have our faults and I would love him know matter what. I know everyone loves <Husband> he's perfect! Great job, great kids, he's a great father, a great husband, who wouldn't want him? And I have been telling myself for so many years that "I love <Husband>, I love <Husband>" but I had know idea how much emotional pain I was in after we had <Son>, when that jealousy came it took the bar from a 10 to 100! <Husband> even admitted telling that he was pushing me away, he told me that I was meeting every "negative expectation" meaning that <Husband> did not expect me to do NOTHING!! And guess what? In his eye's that's what I was doing NOTHING, how would you feel living each day like the worst person in the world? The worst mother? The worse wife? When we first got married we learned that having high expectations in your spouse will ruin marriages, well they should have put haveing negative expectations will ruin marriages too. You will never experience <Husband>s meanness for yourself, unless you were on his bad side, and he will do it so sublty that know one will think anything of it, mom has experienced and Tracy has experienced it. And you know what? <Husband> knows when he is doing it.

I know <Husband> loves me, he tells me everyday, the day I knew my love was gone crushed me, I cried so hard that night, I remember it specifically! He tried kissing me and I felt nothing, it made me sick inside, I cried I felt like something was wrong with me, that I failed as a wife, how come I couldn't kiss my own husband? Was I crumbling so bad in the inside that I couldn't even love him anymore? Did I have so much resentment towards <Husband> that I couldn't even kiss him? And the pain I am giving him right now hurts me terribly, I cry for so many reasons, the pain I am doing to him, to my kids, to my spirituality, to my family, to my heavenly father. I know I need to stop talking to <OM2>, but he is the only person that makes me happy, I don't want you guys to blame <OM2>, or hate him, cause just so you know <OM2> is the one that told me to come back home. A couple weeks ago on a friday, <OM2> wanted to talk to me to tell me that he was leaving facebook and wow, so <Husband> and I can sort things threw, even in the beginning <OM2> told me that he did not want me to leave <Husband> for him, he wanted me to fix my marriage because I had kids, either that or at least say that I tried. And for the record I was never going to move to Australia, anyway well that day <Husband> came home early and notice that <OM2> and I were talking, I think it was only about 5 min that he started to tell me what he was thinking about doing to leave me alone. <Husband> got angry and kicked my out he bought plane tickets to las vegas, and I stayed in some hotel close to the airport. <Husband> thought that by doing this it would make me see what was going on, but he had know idea how I was feeling. The next morning <Husband> tried everything to make me come back home, I was at the airport for 6 hours waiting for my flight, then I get a message from <OM2> telling me that he didnt want me to go to las vegas and to go back home for one last shot, he said "do it for the kids" and within 10 min of <OM2> talking to me I told <Husband> to pick me up, I knew <Husband> was talking to <OM2> asking him to get me back home, he didn't know what else to do. But I was terrified of comming home, I was terrified of <Husband>, and he was terrified of me. I knew what would have happend if I came home, nothing would have changed, <Husband> would still be the good husband, dad, and person and I would still be the person that didnt do NOTHING, he would love me, and say nice things to me and bla bla bla. I know your probably thinking "so what? he's a nice guy?" well you didn't live with him for 7 years. I dont want to say that I was miserable for that whole 7 years cause I was happy, I truly was but over those years there was somthing eating my out from the inside, and I know exactly what it is.

When I knew I was not happy I did find someone else, I wasn't looking for anyone it just kinda hopped in my lap. A boy we played with started to txt me his name was <OM1>, and we talked for about 4 months untill <Husband> found evidence that it was seriouse, and it was such a relief to me cause I was thinking "ok, now we can start working on our marriage, everything will be fine now, we'll get help." I was so glad, because I thought finally we can do something about my unhappiness, the pain he gave me threw all these years. I was glad that that affair happened because then <Husband> would finally know I was unhappy, I mean how can you tell your spouse that you are not happy when you have a beautiful home? Kids? and a wonderful husband?? I felt like finally the door opened to fix this! I cut off with <OM1>, he was still on my facebook and it was hard for me to stop talking to him, but I did it, I knew what I was doing was right. By the way, while I was talking to <OM1> I was telling myself still "i love <Husband> i love <Husband>" I even told him that I loved my husband still, I knew full well that I would never leave <Husband> while I was talking to <OM1>. After we stopped talking <Husband> and I's communication was amazing I told him everything he was like my best friend, during this time thats when I found out about him having negative expectations for me, and he wanted to fix this. And so did I! We didn't go to the counselor just yet I told him give me 1 month and if we still need help then lets go. But I was in denial. And deep down I knew I needed help, by then I felt utterly destroyed, and I was afraid to get help, I felt like I deserved this, this emotional punishment I was giving myself.

I believe it was 3 months later when I started to talk to my good friend of 4 years about what was happening, he knew I was not happy threw the sounds of my voice while we played together as friends with other friends. He confided in me his relationship of 7 years,(he just got out of his 7 year relationship with his g/f she left him) and I told him what was going on with <Husband> and I, at first it was just friendship I didn't see him like that and he didn't see me like that. So then I started to be happy, cause i was confiding with someone with all this mess and I liked it. I couldn't stop, then I started to like playing with him more, and talking to him on facebook about other things like talking about our life when we were little etc. Then it was getting serious more serious then <OM1> in just 1 month of us talking. And I do understand the whole excitement, and the fantasy's, I don't really know why this all happened with <OM2> and why it happened, but it did and we fell in love. <Husband> knew what was going on, and I remember the first night I told him that I didn't love him anymore, I cried, and cried like I have never cried before until last night that is. Do you really think I wanted that to happen? If you truly think I ruined my marriage on purpose then you are lying to yourself. I know what I have done, and I am soo sorry that it caused so much pain to <Husband> and the family. I did not want everyone to know, because this is only between me, <Husband>, and the lord. Anyway, so <Husband> and I started to go to the counselor, I knew what I had to do, i had to cut all tie's with <OM2> but it killed me so much that I couldn't. He did stop calling, and put a time limit on the game, but there were other means how I could get a hold of him threw facebook. And so <Husband> blocked facebook, I was only allowed on facebook from 6-10pm. And so I was forced not to contact him at all with any means, at first I was so upset with <Husband> that I couldn't even see his face, but I figured that's what needed to happen. (this was last week) and all three of us knew it, it was just going to be hard. Since <Husband> blocked Facebook we only contacted each other maybe 3 or 4 times, and then it stopped all together, for three days we didn't contact each other. I was having a hard time and so mom suggested I talk to Rachael, so i called her up sunday night and told her pretty much everything, and she helped tremendously! I was feeling better, I knew what I had to do.....oh before I go on....

For the record for 2 months I have been reading the scriptures and praying to heavenly father to help me, do not think I was not trying because I was.

OK, so after I talked to Rachael that night I new that I had to fix myself before I fix this marriage, so that what I decided to do. The next day I made a whole list of what I needed to do that day, I played with the kids, turned off tv, taking care of the house, working extra hard in my business, it was great! yesterday was going to be my starting point on fixing this marriage and I felt great! Then the evening came, and I got a little sad, and quite (it happens, you start thinking about something, then bam! depression hits.) <Husband> tried comforting me and suggested I talk to Rachael, well my facebook was open and I got a msg from <OM2>, he just ask if I was doing ok, it took me 2 to 3 min to respond because I knew I was not to talk to him, but I figured since <Husband> was right here with me I could at least say I was ok and just log out of facebook, and I even told <Husband> this. Just tell him I'm ok and log. So I did, then <Husband> got on and started to cuss out <OM2> for msging me, I couldn't help but get upset I understand how <Husband> feels, but I told him that I was going to log so I don't have that temptation to keep talking to him. So I logged and called Rachael to help me.

While we were talking she was helping me out soo much, because I did feel like I can save this marriage, I knew in my heart that is what i'm supposed to do. We talked for maybe 2 hours, and I enjoyed every min, and I was feeling pretty good, I knew I was cutting it off with <OM2> and to stop, towards the end of the conversation I get a voice mail from nicole asking me to call her back, so I did feeling pretty good laying in bed, when she told me what <Husband> posted on Facebook I ran downstairs and yelled and screamed at <Husband>, he HAD KNOW IDEA how I was feeling!! He did not know what Rachael and I were talking about, he got mad that I told <OM2> I was ok and posted that on facebook, he did not know that I was feeling better after Rachael talking to me. I even told Rachael that night that I didnt want anyone to know because I didnt want everyone to call me, email me, message me, telling me how horrible of a person I am. I know what I did wrong and I was in the middle of fixing the situation when <Husband> did that to me. I never recall any of you post anything on facebook or emailed everyone you know that your spouse is cheating on you, what <Husband> did last night moved me backwards. I might have ruined the marriage but he's the one that ended it by telling all of our friends, and family. If he truely wanted me to stay he would not have posted that for all to see. And I dont care how much you think that was a great idea for <Husband> posting that, in my eyes that was THE LAST thing he could have done because the way I was feeling that day, I was getting help, I knew exactly what I needed to do.

Right now I am angry, terrified, and emotionally distressed. I knew for a long time that I needed help we tried the counselor that didnt work, so I made an app with the pastor on SUNDAY to ask for help, and <Husband> knew this I told him, so again for him posting that for all to see pushed me backwards not forwards.

I dont care if he tells me that he regrets posting that on facebook, you know what? When I came back home I told him if he made me pack again I wont ever come back, and you know what he said? "I promise I will never do that again!! EVER!!" well guess what <Husband>? you did it by posting that on facebook, I told you that I did not want everyone to know becuase we were trying to fix this marriage, you could have waited untill after I LEFT if we couldn't get our marriage back together, but during it? Me trying so hard to get it back? NO WAY! I'm sorry, you knew exactly what you were doing when you posted it, I told you remember? That day when you were taking me to the hotel? Remember? If I had no hope for this marriage I wouldn't be here, and I'm sorry for the way I treated you, I know that you are in pain, but can you imagine 3 years of pain? With all the wonderful things you have done in this marriage still did not hide the fact the pain I was in, that you gave me. And I'm soo sorry that I hurt you, I did not want that to happen, and knowing that your in pain because of me, kills me, I cry at night knowing that! I'm sorry I know what I did wrong, and I was trying to fix myself, you only gave me ONE day to do that, and it was helping! And i'm sorry that I didnt stop the contact with <OM2> but can you blame me <Husband>? I am terrified! You scare me! What if you wont change? what if I WONT change? I'm scared, and I know what I need to do, I need to fix ME! And I can't do it while your around, I'm going to Colorado to stay with Sarah and I'm going to stay there until I'm fixed.

I am Broken,
<Wife>

What a load of fogbabble...

Great example of how it is my fault that she cheated. Yes, we had too many unresolved issued, but I don't think it is my fault that the kids have no relationship with their mom. It's not my fault that she decided to seek happyness somewhere else.

The fog is think, and trying to sway friends and family from the truth (I exposed her with 70 pages of conversations between her and the OM).

I did not reply because everyone else has the truth, and some, who have been in and out of the fog knowing what it is like, can see right through the BS. Life is hard so do something about it!

WS- I'm still amazed at how similar our situations are. I think this is fog justification. My WW sent her mom a similar 8-page manifesto trying to justify her A and behavior.

Wheels, am I correct in interpretting this: to mean that she sent this novel to EVERYONE you exposed to??

If so, relax. First of all, 95% of the recipients are not going to read the whole thing anyway. It's way too long. The 5% who do are most likely to be the busybody gossips of the bunch - as they don't have anything more important to do that read through this entire thing.

Secondly, it's a gigantic whine. The whole bit about her jealosy over your son actually makes her appear mentally disturbed. And all the stuff about your "subtle" comments that hurt and nobody noticed - well if someone is disturbed enough to be jealous of her son's affection for his father from infancy, it stands to reason that they are going to be hypersensitive about perfectly normal things and that THEY are the ones with the problem - not the person making the subtly hurtful comment to begin with.

If, for any reason, someobody asks you to explain yourself with respect to this, the answer is still clear. Whatever you did/didn't do in the marriage is still NO EXCUSE to cheat. Period.

And to your WW, point out this sentence: Your wedding vows required you to be faithful to one another. You never promised to lie to others and, as an honest man, you don't lie.

I wouldn't reply either. Your WW is taking anything and everything and twisting it to justify her A and behavior just like mine. Although there may be some truth to it, it is still twisted. There is never a good reason to cheat.

Now what are you going to do? If you still want the M, I would try to recommend continuing a long distance Plan A or think about Plan B.

I defer to the Vets on where to go from here though.

Does she know that she is borderline illiterate?

She has zero concept of what word to use where.

Using know for now, threw for through, my for me,

This is just standard WW babble justifying her affair.

Don't respond to WW's statements.

Many people have been asking me if she has mental issues. In the last few days I think a fog is lifting off my head and I am realizing that yes, she may suffer from depression that was never taken care of. I would love to suggest for her to get help with that, but...lol....how would it go?

I say: "Hey, I think you are suffering from depression and you should go to counseling for it, get help."

She may hear: "Your a crazy woman. Im not going to accept you while your crazy."

The most important point she makes in that entire diatribe is that she knew there were problems, but she did nothing to fix them. Every marriage goes through stages and if she thought for the rest of her life she was going to feel like she did when she fell in love with you at first, then she was very immature when she got married.

She sounds like she needs some serious counseling re: her lack of self-esteem. No one can MAKE her feel like nothing; that comes from the inside. She still made bad choices, confiding relationship information in a male friend. She needs to claim that she made a choice to have an affair and not try to blame you for it.

Whoa. I don't want to raise the bar too high for her, that is just to much.

Usually she has me proof read. I got really tired of proofreading everything a long time ago and just said, yup looks great babe.

Pariah, that is the nicest post I have ever read from you. Usually you point out the worst, but to call this WW a "borderline illiterate" was really very kind. Frankly, I would have omitted the word "borderline" myself...

Good point about the self esteem. I have bouts with low self-esteem and depression, but I know how to get away from those invalid thoughts. She often said that my encouragement sounded like I was bringing her down. Saying good job on the kitchen was interpreted as I wish you would clean the kitchen more.

When my XWH tore into our M and how bad it was, no love involved, on and on and on to justify his happiness by having an A (and pending M) with OW, I sent back this.

We were married and it was adultery.

The waywards can write a novel on how, why, and where to justify. It is wrong plain and simple.

Problem with the M -- you mend it you don't end it and start an A.

She writes EXACTLY like my XW does, a complete lack of education because she was too busy being the party girl with no concept of what comes past tomorrow.

lol...you do realize that she often yerns for the party life instead of a husband and kids? Pariah, your my hero, spot on.

Both conselors we went to said the same thing. "<wife> you are just a teenager. Grow up!" She didn't like what they said and wants a new one....poo poo.

IF and I mean a bif IF she gors the same route mine did, she will be spouting that you are abusive and trying her best to set you off so she can further justify her adultery.

Absolutely DO NOT react. Merely respond with the reverse fog babble.

Mine was so evil she tried to have me killed when I refused to be violent, but I was in no shape to react that way. I had expended all of my energy extorting OM and telling his wife anyways.

Wayward logic at it's finest, WS - Don't sweat it, her anger will pass - rest assured if she does leave and stay gone that was going to happen anyway - exposure did NOT cause it...Typical, immature, wayward, temper tantrum....

Not trying to be rude, but is English her second language? In all seriousness, if not, I would suggest that she take some classes [actually I'd suggest that either way] - the reason that I say that is because a HUGE part of her problem has been underinvestment in life - that has been what has caused the depression. Feelings follow actions - she needs to get busy doing something worthwhile...

Mrs. W

Ever hear of dyslexia? My W uses the wrong word all the time, even after having been corrected recently for the same misused word. It has nothing 2 do with literacy or intelligence. Dyslexics are often very bright, on average, in fact. But of course, "bright" people cheat as often as the 2wits do.

Not saying that's what's the si2ation is here, though. Just sayin' is all.

-ol' 2long

Now, why the heck would you do a thing like that? If she needs proof-reading and you, her husband, can be of help, why wouldn't you help?

This is just one of the points you can look 2 about your own behavior in the marriage and strive 2 make changes of your own 2 improve your chances at recovery... ...if that's what you want.

-ol' 2long

My goodness! I have to stop reading long enough to dig my red pen from my retirement box!

The fog is strong with this one!

How many actual people did she send this drivel to?
Have you heard back from any of them?

I believe I am dyslexic.
When righting I get words that sound the same but have different meanings mixed up constantly. I will wright some letters back wards if I don't think about there orientation before hand, and I cant spell to save my life.

Yet I was reading on a collage level in middle school.

2long could very well be right about dyslexia - I did not even consider that - I apologize. It still wouldn't change my perception that she hasn't been investing fully in life, and needs to find something worthwhile to fill her time.

Am I understanding correctly that she has been cyber gaming in her free time? Going out on a limb here, I'm guessing that she has let things go around the house - am I correct? She has quite likely let herself go as well, yes? Instead of filling her idle time with worthwhile things she has instead escaped into fantasy world and let reality go to the dogs. When people underinvest in life, depression follows...That is what I'm seeing in your wife - is this accurate, WS?

Mrs. W

P.S. I would also say that her belief that your son loved you more at age 4 months was a sign of post-partum depression.

I agree - though her diatribe is absolutely fog laden, there are usually some truths and real hurt buried in the rantings of a WS. It doesn't mean that her affair was justified at all - it just means that should you enter the recovery phase, you would do well to examine yourself and fix everything within your power to fix - and she must do so as well...You both were responsible for the state of the marriage pre-affair, so you both will have work to do. The choice to have an affair will always be hers though - that was a very poor way of dealing with problems - that only created more - she will come to understand this herself should she chose the recovery path.

Mrs. W

Talk about confused fog babble. . .

She is arranging her personal narrative and history to fit her current emotional state. Responding to her with anything but a very simple rebuttal would accomplish nothing. Do save it for some later time in life when you might need it, like divorce and custody. I don't see how anyone could or would read all of that babbling.

It boils down to "I am not a bad person, someone else made me do all that stuff." Well, at least for the part I did read. A lack of personal responsibility is a terrible thing to haul around.

Larry

Yes, I have entered counseling for myself to improve. I have also looked into books like "No More Mr. Nice Guy" to help me express myself more directly without having to indirectly express myself through niceness, and work, which can build up pain and self shame until I snap.

I know I have a problem with letting things build up inside to a point that I say something degrading, mean, and cutting. It is actually very rare that I explode, and when I do its a subtle painful jab of vindication without actually venting anger.

I am activley working on myself to express myself more clearly. Any suggestions of what to do to help me are greatly appreciated.

This marriage was deinatley neglected on both sides. I wish I knew about 3 years ago.

AGREE!!!

*stomp*stomp*stomp*

"OTHER PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR *MY* CHOICES!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Mrs. W

You seem like a very nice and reasonable man, WS...It sounds like you have used conflict avoidance/passive aggression as a means of interacting with your wife. I personally would recommend learning the MB program - MB teaches you how to negotiate respectfully - how to recognize and avoid disrespectful judgments and other love busters...

What Dr. Harley books have you read? I would recommend His Needs, Her Needs, Love Busters and Fall in Love, Stay in Love...

Mrs. W

Cool!
Thanks for the list. I have mostly been reading the articles here on the website, but a couple books would be good. I asked my mother in law to grab me "His Needs, Her Needs" from the library. The other two will be great for me also.

I will read these while my wife is gone. Not much else to do, but improve myself.

Have you ever noticed that you have energy to change, but forget everythihng when it is required to apply those changes? Guess I have to do homework again....lol.

Here is my open letter to WW-

I am a former WW who had everything but the relationship that I wanted with my husband. Plenty of every kind of abuse in my past etc. I talked with my ex repeatedly about our problems- suggested couseling etc to no avail. Wouldn't go to counseling or anything.

You have some valid points I'm sure in the letter- however your situation is not unique- although you may think it is.

Bottom line- no matter what he did to you- it was still not grounds for you to go out and have affairs. Period.

Thanks for the post coachswife. I am in a frightenly similar situation with wheels spinning (down to the online EA with guy from Australia!) and it's good to hear affirmation that no matter our problems, there was no justification for the A.

Hear my opinion of her novel here

Goodness, fogginess, history re-creation and blameshifting - all in novel-length form! I don't know who would read all of it, but I do know this: the length alone screams "justification." One problem with that: nothing justifies adultery. Nothing. And with every sentence she is underscoring her efforts to justify her adultery.

If you ever are given the opportunity to discuss this "letter" with WW in the future (let's hope for the best and your M can recover) ... please, never bring up the comments about her lack of writing skills, her immaturity, as posted on this thread.

Own what you did wrong in the marriage.
Offer hope for a better marriage in the future.
Stick to this truth ~~~> "There is never any valid reason for adultery".



And finally, ask for a fresh new beginning, for both of you.
Because the both of you, working together, can make a successful marriage.

If you are blessed with an opportunity to recover your marriage, begin by eliminating ALL love busters on your side of the marriage.

THIS, is the most valid, and most important thing she wrote:


If she reaches out to you, even if it is in anger, offer her some comfort.
Do not wag your finger.
Do not make promises, or threats, or judgments, do not deliver ultimatums.

Ask her:
"What can I do, right this moment, to ease your pain?"


Remember, all of this grew from her pain.
Talk about her wounds.
Talk about your wounds.
Talk about the family in pain.

I noticed you are in Utah.
Are you and WW LDS?

Yup. I wont deny it, I am LDS, and we attend church weekly. Yeah she still went to church to keep up appearences. Image means a lot to her.

Good!
How can your ward assist your marriage recovery?

WS, it is very typical for infidels to suffer depression and low self esteem. Depression comes from acting BAD and stuffing down our conscience and low self esteem comes from ACTING in ways that are not esteemable. The solution is to stop being BAD. You have already done for her than 10 counselors could have by bringing her adutlery out into the open so it can STOPPED.

SIDE BAR - - - -

Our son went to a residential treatment facility in UT.
The folks there, largely LDS, saved his life.
I have huge respect!


/ SIDE BAR

Have you spoken to your pastor and asked him to speak to your wife about her affairs?

Doesn't everybody know not to confide marital struggles to a member of the opposite sex? EVERYBODY?

I knew this YEARS before I encountered Marriage Builders.

Never ceases to amaze me...

Yes i have talked to my bishop, but she did not feel like talking to him at the time. This was pre exposure. She set up an appointment for this Sunday, but I exposed her and she left to Colorado to work on her spirituality. Im still going to go to the bishops appointment for a blessing. I have no idea what or how they will help, but they can help by giving money to our counselor.

For those who do not know, LDS have the beleif that marriage is for an eternity, and can extend into the afterlife. I think it is a bonus on my part, but excrutiating on the part of the WS.

I think it's a bonus on your part too.
I'm a big fan of finding strengths, and putting them to use.
USE it.

Tell WW you want your eternity to be happy. You want HER eternity to be happy.

And, if you are given the opportunity to discuss your "eternity" with WW ... here's a suggestion.

Discuss "tools".
Tell WW you have come to the realization that you came to the M with an inadequate knowledge of marriage "tools".
Tell her that you've been reading about "marriage tools", and you'd like nothing better than for both of you to pick up the tools and work side-by-side, getting your "eternity" repairs done.

Where is she staying?
With family? Alone?
Can you reach her if you want to?

She left?? Did she leave the kids? When is she coming back? Did she take her computer?

Thanks Pep,
Those are very nice things to say, I'm horrible saying look at we will miss. Instead saying lets work on this together is much more positive and upbeat. That is the exact dialogue that I need to say, gotta go practice it in the mirror.

QUIT COPYING ME !

Colorado is where a sister is. She is offering her house to my WW while her sister helps on developing her spirituality. Her sister does not want her talking to OM while at her house. At least WW has a goal, and her sister will do anything to help our marriage. Plus it gives me an emotional break....whew! When she comes back I hope to have undivided attention for plan A. (too bad the WW is threatening Plan D as she left)

The kids are with me. My mother in-law lives with me (yes I support my in-law cause I am a nice guy) and is watching the kids. She said she will go wherever the kids go, unless the kids are with my WW and she decides to bring in the OM or a new guy.

I consulted about getting a temp restraining order, but it doesn't look needed right now since I have the kids.

I have removed her name from a second joint account and I am putting my finances in there. I was thinking of sending her sister money as a good faith payment. On paper it will look good, and her sister will be in control of the money.

Actually, you're in a pretty decent position to save your marriage. Better than you think.
Exposure is a HUGE benefit.

Would WW read SAA, if you sent a copy to her sister's in Colorado?

GOOD FOR YOU !

Maybe she will read...All she has is time. Right now she is only bent on Plan D. So I don't know.

Plan D because she cannot fathom another alternative.

Provide one.
Send the book.

Slip a happy family photo inside, for her to use as a book mark.

If you get a chance to talk to her sister out of her earshot, I would ask sister to buy SAA and give it to her - I fear that if you buy it and send it, she will reject it due to her current anger - and a BS trying to "teach" a WS comes off as disrespectful...

Something that stands out in my mind from Mr. W's Plan A are the roses that he sent me while I was in Atlanta visiting OM *cringe* [I still can't believe he wanted to send me anything other than a mail bomb]...Anyway, they were these GIANT RED ROSES - some sort of specialty kind - I'd never seen anything like them before - I will NEVER forget them or what I know it had to take out of him to send them to me when I was at my most unlovable...

Mrs. W

P.S. I began reading SAA when I was miserable, in withdrawal - my motivation was purely selfish, I just wanted anything to make me feel better - ultimately my motivation didn't matter - what mattered was that message started getting through...

Have you looked at
This thread *link*

It might give you some ideas of how you can reassure your WW that you will not be the same man, and she will not be the same woman, when your marriage undergoes a transformation.


You can liken it to

Extreme Home Makeover

Your previous "home" (AKA marriage) had fallen into disrepair.
You grew accustomed to the mess.
You failed to make repairs.
You did not know about the tools to make repairs.

You don't want to live in that old broken-down home (marriage).
You want to build a better home.
A stronger home.
A home with a foundation so enduring, it will last into "eternity".

You can respectfully request she join you on that journey, of building a new home.
With the right tools.

And you will both be happy to live in that home, because you built it together.
To last.

Wheels, would you say your WW a "romantic" ?

Yes of course she is a romantic. I used to do stuff for her all the time. Like little notes to her, heart attacking her room, or an animated movie I made. She usually blushed, but later in life she felt that I was raising the bar for her by doing these little thing for her. Like putting a bow on a clean kitchen. She felt that she could not keep up with me. I know its lame, but she has often expressed this to me and asked me to slow it down a bit.

I agree with Mrs. W...

Wheels mentioned earlier and it's pretty clear they are in somewhat of a parent-child relationship. There is no TEAM/partnership here. They are adversaries right now. Wheels, IMO, is much better off having the MB materials at home where his wife can easily access them to see what "crap" wheels is reading rather than Wheel's giving them to her like an assignment. Sometimes foggy waywards read the "crap" just so they can argue against it or, like my wife, you leave YOUR copy of SAA sitting on the nightstand and when they get depressed enough (withdrawal) that they resort to escaping into whatever is laying around of interest. Mrs. Wheels is embarrassed, confuesed and angry. Let her stew a bit....you can't teach her much of anything right now.

Maybe the sister can give her the book but it can't come directly from wheels to her.

Further, back in 2005, I didn't tell Mrs. W to read and post here. I just sent her a link to something I thought she might like to read and she took it from there.

Mr. Wondering

Update on communication with WW.

Less than a week after Plan B I get this letter that she sends to everyone. It apologizes for her misconduct, and tells how she has only been thinking of how wonderful I am, and how I am doing everything for our marriage and family. She also states that she will do anything to get her family back like give up WoW, Facebook and Myspace. She even said she will cook and take care of the kids. My favorite is where she said that she would cut her hair and quit wearing makeup....lol.

This time she used Word and she has a lot less spelling errors. I you want to see the letter (tons of references to Satan) just say I want to see the letter.

Mr. W.


From somewhere, I heard that no man is a prophet (or authority) in his own home.

Larry

Wheels-

The part of that that I was able to identify with is this:
<Husband> found evidence that it was seriouse, and it was such a relief to me cause I was thinking "ok, now we can start working on our marriage, everything will be fine now, we'll get help." I was so glad, because I thought finally we can do something about my unhappiness, the pain he gave me threw all these years. I was glad that that affair happened because then <Husband> would finally know I was unhappy, I mean how can you tell your spouse that you are not happy when you have a beautiful home? Kids? and a wonderful husband?? I felt like finally the door opened to fix this!

My WH said those (almost exact) words to me. Every time he strayed. It would put us on the right track again and I would bend over backwards to make the marriage work. Until it was not enough for him & he needed the new adventure.

I do not think I am in a position to offer advice, YET. But I do agree w/ other posters. You do not need to respond. People will read through the lines. -----And she summed it up with: I might have ruined the marriage but he's the one that ended it by telling all of our friends, and family.

I know this is such a little metaphor if you could call it that but here is my attempt...

If your favorite shirt has a stain, what do you do? You try everything to get the stain out. Right? When that doesn�t work you take it out to the professionals. Still the shirt is stained. Now what do you do? Do you hang it in the closet and save it because it is your favorite? Or do you simply give it to goodwill for someone else to have as is?

Hear is where I say I am not in a position to offer advice because, my favorite shirt is in the closet still. But I do not think there is any shame in offering it to goodwill. I just have not been able to do it.

Sorry that you are here, but from what I have read in posts there are a lot of VET'S out there with great insight.
Good Luck.