I am having a hard time with Plan A'ing. I am impressed with myself just not having an AO, or emotional breakdown. I have been cordial but distant. I couldn't bring myself to make him dinner, I did pick up some groceries finally today after 2 weeks.
I have also called on an apartment that will allow my smallest dog and that I think I could tolerate. I am having a hard time with living here.
All I want to do is ask? Is this really what you want to do so quickly? But I am afraid of the answer and all of you have said not to discuss the A or D right now.
Technically I have not even gotten "paperwork", so I am not sure how much of a price tag he is putting on our marriage.
I still cannot believe that he is acting this way - I and everyone else, including his XW are still drop-jawed.
This is not the man I married, but what does that say about me.
What part did I play in this....
It is all so overwhelming and all consuming. I am exhausted, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
So, for now I am sitting tight, but quietly planning for Plan B/D.

Don't worry, not signing anything at this point.
But, may need to move out for my own sanity and well being.

Ok, I managed to force myself to have a neutral conversation with him. Everything feels so awkward....Blah.

Oh and what makes all of this so horrible is that - he was supposed to be out of town until Thurs. His trip was canceled and now he is home for the week.....
Aahhhhh....I thought I would have the week to think and soul search, but now I have to be in this wonderful tension filled environment.

MM

How about you take just a little break?

A 180 of sorts. I bet that would be extremely unexpected from you.

He's not keeping you informed of his life-And hes not the BOSS of you especially under the circumstances.

Instead of sitting there and being there just go. Don't say a word to anyone except your most trusted confidants. I probably wouldnt even tell them. I bet this would be totally out of character for you.

Don't answer your cell (if u have one)

Just jump in the car-Point a direction and just go for a day or two.

There are plenty of cheap places to stay with pools/sauna's/ hot tubs or if you just feel like it TV.

Can be as fancy or as cheap as you want it to be.

Don't say a word when you get back. Act as if you just went for a quick trip to the grocery store or shopping. No big deal no info to him.

Just a thought-Sounds like you were really looking forward to a break.

Not quite sure this is MB's approved or not. Take charge of your own life and go after the break you need.

Let him walk the dogs himself for a day or two

Nesre

180 IS NOT MB. If you want to go a 180 route that is something different altogether. If you want to do this the MB way than you need to continue Plan A with a date in mind for your Plan B. I found it a bit easier to deal with Plan A when I knew that there was going to be an end date.

Hang in there Mymissy. Plan A is HARD. Plan B is harder and R is harder still(so I have been told but I still hope to get there). In your non emotional moments, what are you thinking? That was how I keep on course. I remembered that what I wanted was a chance to save my M. If it doesn't get saved, MB concepts and Plans with still let me recover myself. That is important to me.

Scotland

Since WW changed the plans for the week MM does not get the break she was looking for.

For a lack of a better term I used 180-Something out of character for her.

A few short post ago she was told "He's not the boss of you".

Does she have to be there 24/7 for him?? Or can she get the break she needs and wants?

Nesre

I didn't say that I disagreed with her taking a bit of a break. It was the term 180. That gets thrown out a lot on these boards and it is not MB AT ALL. It makes me angry when someone tells someone, who is obviously hurt and confused, to do something that is against MB when that is what they are here to find out about.

I used to take short breaks while I was in Plan A so I could cry, scream and just get myself psyched back up for the next few minutes with WH. It came to a point in the last few days of my Plan A, that I actually had the hours figured out. I had a countdown clock in my head.

It is not that Mymissy has to do things to be Plan Doormat, I am NOT encouraging that at all. In Plan A, the BS is trying to make themselves into the safe place, the better choice. It is HARD. It takes a LOT of strength. It also harms one so much that DrH says that it shouldn't be done for a prolonged period of time.

Mymissy- DO some things for yourself. If you are up to it, go for a drive and get some space. Vent here. Write in a journal. Find ways for you to get a release. Find new things for you to focus on. I know it is hard. I am sure other people can come up with things you can do.

What have you always wanted to try and haven't? What did you used to do and stopped? Nothing too bad. Put some things out there.

I am going to start running again when the weather gets nicer(hard to run over snowbanks as high as my thighs). I am even thinking about trying out Mountain biking as well. Snowmobiles sound like fun too. I am thinking about getting my motorcycle license, I have always wanted to ride. Even thought about going to school to learn french. Someone suggested I learn sign language and become an interpreter. I am opening my horizons. You should think about what you want from life. These things will give you self esteem and confidence.

Well, at this point things continue to spiral down and get uglier and worse.
I have decided to move out and will be moving at the end of the month. I am done living in the chaos.
He continues to be exceptionally cruel, I have now gotten the speech - not sure if I ever loved you (BTW, he turned his marriage proposal into an 8 week game with a video at the end and him standing behind me with a diamond - hmmmm......never loved me?)
He continues to move forward with his plans to be with OW, although OWH thinks that the foundations in the A are starting to crack.
He is also drinking quite a bit in the evenings and has never done this.
I am getting out of the way of his self destruction. I am preserving my own sanity.
Again, it is heartbreaking to watch this happen...and I was one of those people who thought "my husband would never have an A".
This feels like it was scripted right out of the textbooks and although I have followed everyone's advice, he is continuing down this path of destruction.

MM


Have you "treated" yourself in any way this week so far?

Just asking. Only 28 more days left in March.

What are you going to do "good" for you?

Nesre

Your WH's fob babble is procceeding on script. I am glad that you can see he's rewriting history and that he is so lost in his own fog that he cant see his head from tail.

Welcome to plan B .

If you do decide to move out stay dark do not give in at the first sign of remorse. Make sure there are no before you attempt to give into his perhaps feeble attempts at R when the fog starts to lift from his brain.
I know you think that day wont come but if and when it comes because you still care for him so much it is difficult to not fall into that trap.
While you are away in plan B type up a list of what is unacceptable to you going forward in your M recovery. I know you are thiking you will not need that list BUT just incase you do its harder to make that list when feel weak with emotions. If you dont end up needing it then you know you have done everything you possiblly can to help move forward with this M.
M takes 2 people to show up and your WH is too lost at the moment to show up for anything.

Lost does not even begin to describe it.
OWH and I found OW dream house ($$$$) and WH is promising her that he wants to be in it by spring???????
I just got dissolution paperwork (not signing that) and OW/OWH have not even started to fill out paperwork. She is cake eating and won't tell her H that she definitely wants out.
Not sure how OW and WH think that they can be in this big giant uber expensive home in a few months/now....BIG FOG.
But I think they are getting impatient, somehow the fantasy must continue.
What happens when/if the fog lifts - do the WW's realize the utter devastation they have caused and how ridiculous their promises to each other are?

When the fog lifts ...
ahhh you will see your OLD DH again
Behaving like he used to long before the A.
Only now he has to live with how STU**D ( I hate that word) he acted during the A.
He will need you to console him when he kicks his own butt.
He will need you to supress the smile and sense of satisfaction that you will get when you see he gets what you have been trying to tell him all along.
He will realise how close he came to loosing and self desctucting.
He will THANK YOU for being the sane strong one thru all this.


But more on all of that later.
For Now
Start working on typing a plan B letter.

Type one up and post here and get feedback on it befor eyou hand it to you FOGGY WH.

Also you rarely respond to any inquiries about
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT GOOD FOR YOU ???
If its because you are not doing anything fun then make a plan for that NOW.

If you are, then tell us so we know how much fuel is going in your tank.

For myself, I spent the last 2 weekends at my mother's - in my hometown. I have a group of friends (since 1st grade) there, who have really been a support system for me. We all spent time together both weekends having fun.
I have gotten a massage last week. Other than that I have been working.
To be honest, there isn't much fuel left in my tank. Which is why I need to remove myself from the chaos.
I meet with my lawyer today regarding dissolution paperwork, I plan to have him drag it out over time - but for now I am going along with ending the marriage.
OWH and I think that they are starting to crack. But I am unsure even if he comes out of the fog that there can be a repair. There has been so much hurt and betrayal that I am not sure I can get past it at this point. Again this is why I need to remove myself from the situation to be able to come to a clear understanding of what I want now.
I am very confused????

all good stuff.

Where is the plan B letter ?


IMHO you are not confused .
You are angry and frustrated and not enthused at the course that your WH foogginess and the A has put you on.

You want a M and R and yet all the steps you are required to take are taking you seemingly farther away from what you want.
Part of you thinks that R is un-attainable to why fight the inevitable.

Dont worry about how much water is under the bridge and whether or not you can come back from. The reason it SEEMS impossible to you right now is because he is not meeting your EN's.

This is where MB can step in and tell you that R is possible. Others have done it myself included and it can work for you too. Our A did not hurt any less nor was our M more special that yours that survived inspite of the A. It takes work and following of the plan for it to happen.
Kinda like dieting, reading all about it and knowing all about it does not make the weight come off. You ACTUALLY have to DO the stuff they talk about that works I know alot about that cause I was really hoping that having read the book about healthy eating and loose the belly fat it would be gone but it isnt. I guess I better take my belly fat to the gym for that pilates class.

OW and WH breaking up by itself will not fix your M.
It will be the starting point for your R.
Once he shows up to this recovery party then you can decide how much he is willing to FIX and if what he is offering is what you want.

When you get to that point where he starts pouring into your tank you will see things differently and I'll be happy to point you to this post and say I TOLD YOU SO

I can only hope for that path.
Right now I need to get away from him, he is out of town next week and then only 2 1/2 weeks until I can move out.
I have been to the attorney and he will be looking out for my best interest. I have started that process since the dissolution papers came.
However will drag it out for a awhile.

I am not actually sure how much of the silent, cold shoulder, I don't exist treatment I can stand.
Every time he walks by me with out saying anything (which is all the time now) it is a knife in my heart.
He cannot come up with valid reasons or excuses for anything including the downfall of our marriage. He reason for not speaking is that it is considered harassment if we speak about such things. My lawyer said - not hardly.
The whole thing is awful.........I feel like such a whiner and I am MAD!

[quote=wannamoveforward] [quote] Where is the plan B letter ?



WH,
I have always admired your integrity, caring, and reliability. I thank you for all the times you have stood by me in times of bad health, in difficult times with the kids, and in other difficulties in our lives. Your strength has always inspired me; I wish you believed in yourself.
You mean everything in this world to me and I am not as strong as you think I am and I am afraid and lost. I have also always believed in you, trusted you and loved you more than I could share with you.
I am so sorry for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OWH wife possible. I pursued my own wants and interests without truly understanding how I was not keeping up my responsibility of being your wife and meeting your most important needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most; and now we are both suffering for my mistakes. Our old marriage was not a place I nurtured very well in the last few years, and I see that now.
Since you have continued with your affair with OWH wife; for now I need to avoid seeing you or talking to you. You may contact me through email or your mother and sister. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must understand the suffering that I have endured because of your continued relationship with her and the choices that you have made that have affected us both. I simply cannot be around you any longer knowing that you are continuing to contact her and be with her. I still love you, but I cannot continue to see you or live with you under these circumstances.
I thought fate brought us together by one line in print. Then we forgot to nurture each other. But I still believe that this relationship can be salvaged.
I loved you when I married you; I love you to this day. But I simply cannot be around you while you continue to act in this manner.
Love Mymissy

Dear Missy
My husband has moved out after a second affair. I only found out about the first when I found out about the second. After I found out about the second, he moved out, and then came back, cheated again, decided to stay and then moved out again, saying he needed "a break". A couple of months later, told me it was over because he is not sexually attracted to me anymore??? Insists OW is not in the picture. I didn't know of this site, I wish I had, I did practically EVERYTHING wrong. I sort of did Plan A but wasn't able to maintain it.

He has also wanted to "discuss arrangements" almost immediately, which was SO painful.

I only say all this, and I don't know if it brings you any comfort, but I completely understand your emotions, they so totally echo mine, it is a bit spooky!!! But then, as others explain, those feelings are totally normal.

I think you are handling it really well and wish you all the best.

I don't want to hijack your thread but I also wanted to say I think the support and advice found on this site is just wonderful and restores one's faith in people. The last couple of posts by wannamoveforward have been of great help to me.

Whatever happens, we can only go onward and upwards!!:-)