When we get married we will have been together 6 years. We were common law for several years down south, and at this point I believe we are both buyers.

I wish in many ways that we had gotten married sooner. I also wish I had been a better woman and grew up quicker and became an adult earlier in our relationship, it would have saved a lot of heartache.

I've got the best man in the world.

We spent a while last night reading through this thread, lots of good info. Thanks Pep!

In the book Dr. Harley states that the Renter relationship can't be sustained for long, because the taker comes out eventually and ruins things. That's why I thought the question was pertinent to the discussion of the book.

When we get married we will have been together 6 years. We were common law for several years down south, and at this point I believe we are both buyers.

I wish in many ways that we had gotten married sooner. I also wish I had been a better woman and grew up quicker and became an adult earlier in our relationship, it would have saved a lot of heartache.

I've got the best man in the world.

We spent a while last night reading through this thread, lots of good info. Thanks Pep!

I would strongly encourage you counsel with the Harleys now and through the early parts of your marriage, since you are coming from a long renter relationship that involves lots of bad habits ... It is great you are getting married, but just to make sure you can beat the bad habits that were built you may want some extra accountability.

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doinf some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Renters believe Our relationship is temporary. You may be right for me today and wrong for me tomorrow.

Buyers believe We are together for life.

Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.

Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.

Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.

Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.

Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.

Buyers believe Criticism indicates a need for change.

Renters believe Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.

Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.

Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.

Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary.

"The real commitment of marriage is not a commitment to stay regardless of how you are treated. It's a commitment to care for each other regardless of the circumstances you find yourselves in."

"Marriage means that each spouse is commited to make a GREATER effort to care for each other than they were making BEFORE marriage, a GREATER effort to meet each other's intimate needs."

The trap people fall into is in thinking that this is 'true love' and can therefore last for ever but it can't. There comes a time when your taker re-emerges which is healthy because otherwise resentment would start to build.

... which brings us to POJA

which is adopting the Buyer's strategy

means you must consider both your interests ~and~ your partner's interests

up to the point of bilateral enthusiastic agreement

which means NO ONE sacrifices their happiness for the other's .... you seek mutual happiness

This is very interesting to me. Every time I revisit this discussion about BRF, I discover more ways to improve my own marriage behavior.

WE COMPETE to see who will be the most pleasant and charming.

A marital fight/argument is one or both spouses making strained efforts to have their spouse see things differently.

It is incredibly disrespectful to try to make your spouse see things differently. It implies that your view is somehow superior.

There are three types of attitudes you'll find inside: freeloading free spirits, wait-and-see renters, and committed buyers. Healthy relationships should pass through al three stages, but it's easy to get stuck in a rut along the way.