MM

I'm not much of an authorness(Scotlandism term) but I would like to say I read the draft.

The only comment I have is I wondered with the first part if there was something special your H did for you in the M? Something that was such a gift to you personally that would pull some heart strings.

In my PLB letter I included my W giving me two happy healthy babies-Our time together- me and her by the lake-just enjoying each other by the fire listening to the loons.

Is there some type of special memory that you could include THAT WAS from your HUSBAND> during the good times?????
I know its hard right now to think like that when all this is going on but it is really helpful to the cause if you can include something like that.

JMO

Nesre

Dont worry about His relationship with his kids. Let him figure that out. You dont need to Protect him from destroying it. Perhaps when it dawn on him that he loosing their love he might start paying attention to how his actions are hurting others and in turn HIM.



I love that you have made a decision because that means you are no longer going to allow yourself to be a victim of some one elses choices.
Stay with the AD's in the short run they were a lifesaver for me.

If the idea of plan B being a love letter bothers you then make a small simple version of it that communicates the goal for letter.

1) You are removing yourself from the path of his destructive tornado so that he can no longer continue to hurt you.
2) If and when he decides to end his affair, he can come knocking and you are willing to listen to what he has to offer.

Its NOT a commitment that you love him no matter what. Its not a commitment that you will let him in when he knocks.
It simply leaves the door open for future conversation when he is no longer possesed by the Alien thats in his mind/body right now.

Writing the Plan B letter does not mean that you are closing the door on D, IMO it simply gives the Wayward Alien a small glimmer if hope that once they are over their Crazy waywardness there MIGHT still be a chance to undo what they have done.

Ok, I can live with doing a Plan B letter like that. Here is my revised version.

WH,
I have always admired your integrity, caring, and reliability. Your strength has always inspired me. I will remember kindly all the times you have stood by me in bad health, in difficult times with the kids, and in other difficulties in our lives. I will also fondly remember all the fun times in PIB, Vegas, and the Smoky Mountains, the long walks on the beaches in Florida and the Bahamas. But I will mostly remember good times with kids. DSD20 and I have forged a friendship and bond that will last a lifetime.
I have also always believed in you, trusted you and loved you. I am sorry for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OWH's wife possible.
Since you continue your affair with his wife; I need to avoid seeing you or talking to you. You may contact me through your mother, sister, or my brother. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must understand the suffering that I have endured because of your continued contact with her and the choices that you have made that have affected us both and our family. I simply cannot be around you any longer knowing that you continue to see her. I cannot live with you under these circumstances.
I will always believe in second chances; and I still believe that this relationship can be salvaged. I loved you when I married you; and deep in my heart I love you still. Please remember that there is always a path back home. But I simply cannot be around you while you continue to behave in this manner.
Mymissy

I like the memories of when he was your "Husband"

Im no vet but thought I'd put my 2 cents worth in. The letter needs to be strong. Others may be able better to beef it up a little more.

This is good

Nesre

Everything but the apology in red looks good to me.
I know what you are trying to do here and yet the Sorry makes it seem like it might allow him to justify in his head that you are acknowleding that him having an A is sort of your fault.
If you had been a better wife then he would not have had the need for an A, sort of excuse which is unacceptable.

I think its too soon to explain the context of your aplogy to an Alien so to be safer I'd leave it out. I am not sure how best to word it he would get what you are trying to say without using it against you.

[apologizing words]
I have made many mistakes in the past and cannot change those mistakes or take them back. Be honest but don't knock yourself down limit the number to the top 3

[corrective steps]
What I have been able to do is recognize those errors in judgment and action or inaction; and I have learned from them so much. The depth of my understanding, of those failings, has taken me to honestly and with great effort to take steps that will ensure that they will not happen again. <list the ENs that you can fulfill and how you will do this- again be honest and limit the number to the top 3 or 4> <If you know you can honestly apply the POJA& say you can and how you will do it>


Would this work for what you put in red?
A recognition we are not perfect partners is required. How to change our part also gives a subtle hope of how we are willing to also change is a good idea
Just suggesting

Nesre

Thanks for all your input!

MM

You might want to put it out on another thread to ask for more input. Direct ppl to your thread.

More input the better.

The vets also see ways to strengthen it up more.
Nesre

I was just reading up on Plan B letters here and this post sort of struck me. I hope the OP does not mind me sharing .



Just made me think that perhaps you need to put something in there along those lines regarding the parts in red. Plan B means going completely DARK so that he cant throw crumbs your way and hope you will take the nibble. Or worse continue to interrpupt your healing with emails and hatred that continues to withdraw his love from your Love Bank given that its at dangeroulsy low levels any way.
Also have you talked to him mom/sister so they understand their role in this plan B. They are not to forward you ANYTHING from him other than facts and papers and other necessary info.

The more I learn about the affair, what they are saying to each other, and how they talk about me (I am the reason for all the bad things that are happening???); I become more discouraged and more despondent that there can be anything but personal R for myself by going into a dark plan B.
I have conducted myself with dignity and respect, I can look in the mirror and be OK with what I see.
I have a question? The lies that they tell the spouse's are obvious, then there are the lies that they are telling each other.
Their conversations have no substance or context, its all about bashing me and what my WH can give OW or what OW can get out of her H.
The promises that my WH is making to OW are almost ridiculous, but I think he really believes some of what he is telling her. She is cake-eating and won't give her H a definitive answer regarding ending their marriage.
My question is this - how far will WH husband take the lies and promises? And doesn't the truth always come out in the end? Then what - how does WH live with how he has acted and the things that he has said to her about me and the disrespect he has shown everyone?

MM




What a great opportunity you and Mr. OWH have to corodinate a double PLB. To be real blunt with you isn't it hard to watch the cakeaters and not take agressive action?



I don't know where you are at with your plan but I see this as a golden opportunity to lock the A partners out and let them stand in there fantasy world. Tie up the fianances-change the locks on the house-Have them served papers-something that would shake up their worlds and put real PRESSURE on the A.



Adiction is addiction is addiction-Doesn't matter what it is-food -alcohol-gambling afairs-When we want to pick up and use........................




Doesn't really matter so much what we say as long as we can continue to get what we want and nobody gets in our way.

SHAKE YOUR FOG BABBELING WW UP IN A REAL BIG WAY

WOULD THAT BE OUT OF CHARACTER FOR MM?

I found for myself this to be extremely empowering...Even if I don't get the M back at least I took a stand for myself and will know in my heart I have done all I can do for this R.

Nesre

The goal of plan B is to prevent the BS from getting EXACTLY to this point after an A.
Yet...
you still continue to keep the lights on and SEE him.

MyMissy its really time to go DARK before you lose ALL interest or hope in R.
STOP letting him continue to traumatize you over and over. Every deatil of the continuing A is a new stab for you.
From the outside I can see that its all one wound, one A but you living the continued trauma of it feels to you like new wounds.
Stop letting him continue to wound you.
Its like a car accident on the road, all the other drivers know its gonna be gruesome but we keep turning and looking anyway .

Stop looking at the crash site. Its there , theres lot of damage, keep your eyes ahead and keep driving, focus on your own road. The more time you spend surverying the accident on the other side of the road the more likely you are to veer off your own side of the road.




The lies and fantasy will go as far as they need in order for the A to stay alive and justified and the selfish taker can continue to get what they need. A WS will never give up trying, cause if they do then they are acknowledeging to themselves that it was all an illusion and not reality. They will give very ounce of their being to prove that the illusion they see is REAL. Only once the issuion is shattered inspite of their attempts to keep it going do they begin to see that it was indeed an illusion.
Yes the truth comes out in the END, the definition of END just varies from stich to stich.


A FWH lives in pain and remorse and anger at himself for scre*ing up his life and others he loves. A FWH struggles with reconciling who he really is vs the selfish being he became while he attempted to fill his needs at the cost of others. It cant be easy being a FWH, I see the remorse in my DH's eyes and I feel his pain. I am sorry that he has to live with accepting his actions and the impact of them. Good people do bad things and just like a BS needs healing I am confident that with each passing year with the help of a loving M both I and my DH will heal a little bit more from our own wounds.

WMF

So well stated-Thank you





Only when a WW is willing to attempt putting the F in front of it does the process of personal reconciliation begin.
It is not easy. For a year and a half or longer I struggled with figuring out who and what was important in my life.
The guilt and shame of knowing I put my needs above all those around me was the a cruelest indulgance of my life. I carefully gaurd myself with personal bounderies against it now.

I never want that experience again in my lifetime. NEVER

Nesre

I am leaving/moving in 25 days. My new place will be ready the last week of March. For now he will be leaving in the morning to be gone for 5 or 6 days - thank god.
I am going to "slowly" go forward with D. Even if down the road there is R, he has to do a lot of personal R first.
OWH has keylog and sends me copies, this is why I know exactly how cruel and deceptive he is being.
So, I continue to pack stuff and put in storage when he is not here and continue to plan to go dark, you are right WMF I did wait to long for plan B. It is being traumatized over and over again.
I am also not sure how to take a stand at this point, I just want to get away.

It is 9.5 weeks post Dday, it is 3 more weeks until I go dark.
Does it really ever get better, today is a bad day. Was able to get through work - just. Have not been able to stop crying since coming home.
I still feel as though I have walked into the twilight zone, his family is avoiding me. No one calls to see "how I am". My only support is my family and friends and most are an hour away.
I feel as though I cannot continue to whine to people I work with. But it all feels so insane, pent up, frustrating, and horribly wrong.
I still don't understand how we have gotten to this point so quickly and how WH is able to make the continued outlandish promises to OW. But they are both buying into what the other says. And I know - you all have said there is no understanding.
Now I just feel drained, no longer strong and no longer myself.
Any suggestions on how to survive the next 3 weeks?
I still have much preparing and packing to do, it is all so overwhelming!!!!

The only way I got through the last few days was that I kept remembering that I had an END DATE. I too cried all of the time, except in front of WH as I was in Plan A. I told my friends a few times that I should have been on AD's(and believe me, if WH comes home, I will definitely have to go on meds for sure).

I was lucky that I had a friend I could lean on that didn't judge me, she just listened. She would let me vent and say all of my crazy thoughts. She still does. She gets MB. I am lucky to have her. I also write a journal. I find it helps me to get it all out.

Just wanted to wish you the best, Mymissy, you are in my thoughts. What works for me, is to just get through one day at a time. Acknowledge the end date in your mind, but don't look too far ahead in terms of what you have to accomplish or deal with, it can get overwhelming.

I have tried so hard to recover this marriage and do a great Plan A, the first 4 weeks seemed to show that. Then things progressed so quickly downhill.
I do know that I don't have to sign D papers; however at this point I truly feel that it would push WS and OW closer together, they seem to band together in a common thread against me. So far that has happened several times now.
So, I am going to move forward to Plan B/D, but I am NOT accepting the "separation/dissolution BS he has thrown my way. It WILL be "equitable division of assets and debt.
He does not know when or where I am moving to, I am planning it for a day when he is at work. So basically he will come home to an empty house and the Plan B letter.

Thanks Pep,
I really do just need peace right now, The last 4 weeks have been such torment.
I still don't understand how someone could tell you how much they love you to hurting you beyond comprehension in a few weeks.
I also feel that although I tried to follow all the MB advice that I still did something wrong along the way. I truly have thought that the situation would turn around somehow.
How do you get over the feelings of guilt and blame for yourself?