<BR>well, my divorce is under way i have been separated for 2 weeks and saw my w for first time last<BR>night for a couple hours--tried my best to tell her how i truly<BR>feel and want to reconcile, those<BR>of you who have read my prior posts know how truly remorseful<BR>i am and ow is not even an issue<BR>for me--in my wife's head heart she loves me deeply but her head<BR>along with her family and lawyer <BR>are pushing her for the divorce<BR>we are agreeing on slowing the <BR>train down and i think she might<BR>even be willing to try a joint <BR>counselling session although i'm<BR>not sure of this...i am trying so<BR>hard to do/say the right things<BR>last nite there was only a little<BR>lovebusting obviously she doesn't<BR>trust me and now i feel a little<BR>of the same...i know that i have to be patient and see if she truly wants to get back together...there are just so many<BR>obstacles and she says i am being<BR>this way only out of fear of losing her forever even though i <BR>felt this way before the papers...betrayed friends what did it take for you to want to cross that bridge into acceptance<BR>and want to be with your spouse<BR>i know it has to be more than love because i know my w and i still have that in a deep way--<BR>will she ever be able to stand by<BR>me in our marriage again and want<BR>to say i will deal w/ my husband<BR>and his baggage in whatever way <BR>is necessary? thanks to all in advance as usual i love you guys <BR>and gals this site has been my<BR>lifesaver much peace and love...<BR>trying hard

Hi, Trying. Congrats on what you're doing!!! Not sure what kind of advice I can be giving you. I'm still waiting for H to come out of La-la land and WANT to work on us.<P>I'm pretty sure you already know that your w is scared - scared to love you and scared to trust you, of being hurt again. It's gonna take a lot of work on your part to regain even enough trust for her to be willing to WORK on saving your marriage.<P>It's a good sign that's she's willing to slow things down a little bit, and even if divorce is pending, joint counseling is still a great idea if you can get her to go.<P>Filing and divorce doesn't necessarily mean the end, you know. But, if you're willing, you really have to work at this thing, filling needs, understanding, no lovebusters, etc. for a LONG period of time to prove to her that you DO mean what you say. My SIL betrayed her H, they got divorced and 6 years later remarried. Not to say you should wait six years, but it took them a LONG time to work out the trust issues. Happy as honeymooners now.<P>Hang in there. Keep on doing what you know is right. If you want your wife and this marriage, then I say fight for it, with everything you've got. You still have a chance to make the marriage everything it should be.<P>Good luck. I'll be looking for some positive updates, OK???<P>Lori

I, too, am waiting for my H to come back and WANT to work on the marriage.<P>As a betrayed, there was NEVER a question in my mind since I first found out about H's affair 8 months ago, that I wanted nothing more but for us to continue our marriage. We have only done diagnosis: figured out what EACH of us has done wrong to get us to this point.<P>I forgave my H on the spot, although I was really, really mad at him. Problem with us is this: H continues the affair, so I have to CONTINUE forgiving. We can't seem to ever get to a past point where I could say I FORGAVE him. <P>I think he is unwilling at this point to work on the marriage because he is unable to forgive HIMSELF at this point. Anyone else think this applies to their spouse?<P>Roll Me Away

Slowing things down is the best you can do right now. You have to SHOW her you can change, not just tell her. Accept that you are NOT trustworthy. Show that you are willing to take the extraordinary measures recommended by Harley. For example, give her access to your email and voice mail. Give her a key to your place and tell her she is welcome to drop by anytime. Make it clear you have nothing to hide. <P>Try to focus on what SHE needs, instead of what you need. For example, do things for her around the house, give her time to herself by watching the kids (do you have kids?). Things like flowers and gifts and love letters are great, but they don't necessarily do much to restore trust, because a marriage doesn't rest on them. A marriage rests more on the day-to-day stuff. When you have an appointment with her, always show up on time. Let her know what you are doing with you time when you aren't with her. <P>Be very, very honest in answering all her questions about the affair. Every time she feels like you are telling a half-truth, whether she catches you in it or not, it will unravel any trust-building you have done.

TryingHard...<P>Sorry you are at this point...but, you aren't divorced yet, so there is still hope.<P>You asked, what made a betrayed person decide to give their betraying spouse another chance? <P>Let's see...I was the betrayed person. I think I gave my H another chance because I realized that I also contributed to the downfall of our marriage. Although I wasn't the one who had the affair, it was a couple of years of me & him emotionally abusing each other before we got to that horrible point in our lives.<P>If he didn't have his affair first, maybe I might have had one. Scary thought.<P>After what we've been through, and from what I've learned from the trauma and from this marriage builders website, I don't think I will ever put myself in a position to have one.<P>The consequences are just NOT worth it. A lot of lessons learned here....<BR>

trying hard it sounds like your W is getting advice from well meaning"friends", but none who have been through what your wife and a lot of us have been through. She probably thought getting divorced is the only answer.<P>take the advice of Animac work hard on showing your love and remorse. If your w is not staying home offer her sparate quarters, you need her to come home even if she still wants to divorce. Think about how to make it easy for her to come back.<P>------------------<BR>It's always darkest before the dawn

trying hard,<P>I don't know your whole story and you have no profile, so I'm basing my response only on this post and these questions.<P>Your wife is afraid. To find out that the person that you should be able to trust with your life has deceived you is the biggest shock in the world. Her entire world has been turned upside down. You have shown her that you are capable of lying to her, forsaking your marriage vows and destroying her hopes and dreams. Now you want her to trust you again. It's not going to be easy. But it is possible.<P>First, counseling is important. Make an appointment and go. Ask her to go with you and help you find an counselor that you both agree on. If she is not willing, go yourself. Perhaps she will change her mind when she sees you are serious. <P>Find out for yourself why this happened. What was going on in your marriage that made you turn to someone else. That is one thing she is going to want to know,, why??,, and how you explain that to her is important. <P>Don't place blame on her. No matter what need she was not fulfilling, she did not deserve this. She did deserve talks, suggestions, requests for changes,,even a separation or divorce if she was not willing to try,,but not an affair. When you discuss the problems or needs you were lacking in the marriage but sure to say "I felt,,,,,," not "you didn't do,,,,," Am I making sense? Do you understand what I am trying to say? Don't try to justify the affair. Just state your feelings. <P>And as Animac said, don't give her half truths. Always answer her questions honestly. Discovery of half truths or whitewashing are going to take you back to square one and she'll be sure there is no hope. She will make anything you don't tell her 100 times worse in her mind than what the actual truth would have been. <P>Let her know you are willing to do anything to reassure her of your desire to rebuild and ask her what she wants you to do to prove your sincerity. If you haven't formally ended it with the OW, do so. Dr Harley has some excellent suggestions for how to do this. <P>Good luck to you