An interesting choice of words: "surprisingly insightful." That sounds to me like you were expecting babble, a sales pitch or something quite contrary to your belief system.

My own take on Harley's books is that he writes with a clarity that neither condescends nor preaches. He exposes basic truths that are easy to comprehend no matter what reading level the reader possesses. A rare feat, if you ask me!

Yeah Fred, I like it that he keeps it simple. Unfortunatly us humans make things harder than they have to be.

I think so many of us are looking for a way to make up for lost time or compensate for pain we experience in our relationships. I know I did that in certain ways in both my marriages. Sometimes, we can ask to much from another person and recruit them to our cause when in fact we are still alive and kicking so we need to process stuff till we are ready to be happy by ourselves. Then we choose to enter in with all the baggage neatly in its place.

Ah. but to have the honesty and humility to realize we are human and need instruction.

The principles in MB are the same ones in place when things were good in my times. I didn't know MB and wish I had. So I can see and have experienced much of what he teaches. The great part ppl don't understand is its still the two ppl, unique as they are, making the marriage work together.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will eat for life

I thought the same thing.

Harley's method is good for young and old although it seems to work better when life ages us a bit. In addition to what you point out, he is the only one who seems to write in such a way that both genders can get something out of it.

Larry

Folks,

There is an old saying that I use with my Post Docs and other colleagues.



I have forgotten who made that quote but it has guided me for decades. I think I enjoy Harley's approach because it seems to me he took that quote to heart, whether he knew it or not.

JL

I was expecting more of a gender specific type of book, and may be a lot of babble. I always see these "my husband cheated" type books and never one that handles both genders. I did find the lack of remorse from the woman in the book surprising though. Is my remorse "normal" or just not typical?

What is "normal" or "typical" ? Does it matter here to recover your own M ?. MB is a CBT (Cognitive Behavior Tx) way of building love, step by step ... you have to follow the steps and all of this will be distance memory.

Aside from this ,you need to count your blessing having BH still willing.

-rh-

Your remorse is a sign you have the capacity to be empathetic and its healthy. You came here to take accountability for your actions and wanted to find out what happened. Its the best thing you have going for you, knowing you have a conscience and seeking a way to clear the pain of guilt and frustration.

Its healthy to put things behind once you have identified the problems but some ppl are to quick to move on with a patch job and only take care of surface issues, ignoring the hard work. These ppl can seem non-remorseful but sometimes they just want to put on a positive attitude because that has allways been part of thier relationship hopes and/or thier coping skills as people. The danger is allways living in denial, hiding our heads in the sand believing problems will just go away and accepting less than we can have if we really put ourselves over the fire and bare our souls to each other in accountablity. We can't just accept bad situations and suffer with our relationships and still have trust,unity, hope or very deep intimacy.

The MB principles if practiced overtime will not just fix the relationship problems but bring out our own unique "issues" that make us unhappy or contribute to emotional stress. It takes time though as many here can attest to. We will change as we grow older and the tools used here will keep us connected to each other as we grow old together.

IN your case both of you have white-knuckeld through so many things and still care for each other and you deserve the chance to heal both individualy and collectively. I beleive you will

I didn't really realize that I was "white'knuckling" this as well as hubby.
With some things hubby doesn't seem to want to "go there" he has told me his way of dealing with all kinds of things is "white-knuckling it". I just wish he could look at everything and try to move past everything in his life, not just what I did. I think that's why he always has a "blank mind" I ask him every once in a while what he's thinking when he looks particularly pensive and he will either say nothing or what he has to do (pay bills, what he needs for his car, or truck...surface things). I really want to know what goes on in his mind, or if he's white knuckled things so much that nothing is really going on in there.
I know things go though my mind often, smells trigger things with me fairly often, songs trigger memories and I know they do for him, he just won't tell me what(he doesn't offer info like he used to). I hope the counselor will help him open up.

With the diabetes, he went to the doc and he's on meds for that and high bp. His blood sugar is coming down and he has an appointment with a nutritionist about his diet. I'm not looking forward to it, because I think it's going to be difficult to figure out all the exchanges and how much this and that can he have. It was hard enough to figure out things for myself for weight loss...is it really that difficult? I am looking forward to him losing weight since he'll have more energy for the kids. Maybe a little more energy for me as well.

It will take some time to figure out the calories and balance his sugar. If he really does a good job with it though he will be happy he did. You guys too will benifet from the changes in diet.

One thing I noticed with me, being a diabetic, Hwne my sugar is high I do not process emotion as readily as when its normal, (around 120 althogh most normal ppl are around 90). High sugar keeps my mind going but the stupor of it has a effect of just plugging on instaed of reacting to stimuli around me.

After H is in good control of his sugar for a month ask him if he has more calm energy and less stimulant need like coffee driven energy. He will probably notice some differance also. Maybe not.

There are tons of books on diabetes and cookbooks that help towards eating healthy that will help everyone lose weight and feel better. If you dive in with this with him and help him as you guys learn about diabetes you will be depositing major LBs in the whole family. As Hubby gets used to the diet the cravings for bad food will diminish over time.

You are probably right about H "whiteknuckling" it more than you. I think you are expressive and your coping mecanisms are different than his. I think your doing well W02 and in touch with them. Keep working on your marriage and it can be made more preciuos than gold.

Picked up a diabetic cook book a few more and I think we'll be good to go...
Question about love units, is it possible that hubby can deposit love units by simply being himself? Well, I used to date this guy long before I met hubby and it didn't last long, he had so many annoying habits that it would just drain me. It would seem he withdrew love units as soon as he deposited them( He had a lot of love units deposited and by the time it was over he was so far in the red it was rediculous). Needless to say I broke it off with him, everything about him seemed to repel me. Why did I try a relationship with this guy? Well, I thought he was stable and had it all together and boy was I wrong and so I'm glad I didn't marry him! But, when Hubby and I are having a good day, it just seems he's meeting ENs by just him being him, well, when he's happy. Not necessarily from anything I did to cause his happiness, just from him having a good day in general.
Also, what about this, I know it's probably weird but I am attracted to his scent. You know a natural smell that all people have. He smells so good to me and even he thinks it's weird. But, I think he smells wonderful. The other guy, his smell repulsed me, it's not that he smelled bad like B/O type of bad, just bad to me. Sometimes I feel wrapped up in my nose. Well, so far Hubby and I are doing well and I'm excited about it!

Try JL's idea about learning new things to organize your new foods. First organize the info, then simplify.

1. Get rid of all fatty, sugary foods in the house. Just bag them up and remove them. Either give them away or toss them in the garbage.

THIS WILL TAKE AN HOUR OR LESS

2. Then, the first week is the hardest while you and he STOP EATING fast food, any fatty foods like pizza, and any sugary foods. YOU CAN EAT ALL OTHER FOODS>

3. Keep eliminating favority fatty/sugary foods for another week.

SOON, AFTER TWO WEEKS, ALL CRAVINGS FOR FATTY/SUGARY FOODS WILL BE GONE. ONCE THAT CRAVING IS GONE, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.


4. Then, start getting into high vegetable meals with fewer carbs. sTART USING GOOD CARBS LIKE CORNMEAL, WHEAT PASTA AND WHEAT BUNS. Remember your house has been cleaned out of all bad foods. And you have not gone to any drive thru's or eating fast foods for awhile now.

5. You are well on your way to overhauling your bad eating/cooking habits. Now you can gaze at healthy cookbooks and make foods that taste great but are not SUGARY OR FATTY!!!!

YOU GO GIRL!!!

Liking the way your man smells is real normal for girls I think. The first time my wife took one of my T-shirts when we had to be seperated for a night and she told me she wanted to sleep with it it sounded strange..

I liked the way she used to smell then too. Theres somethin about it when you love somebody.

Hubby thinks it's so strange that I love his smell...if he leaves early in the morning for work I'll sleep on his pillow. I think if I ever had to go out of town for any reason, his pillow case will come with me. I think if I could, I would sit and sniff him all day.


Now as for the fatty and sugary foods, at least I won't have much to dispose of. Pretty much just the brownie mix...Since I was trying to lose weight the house is full of healthy foods and LOTS of veggies. Lately we've been having salads and lean meats. (the salad is actually a craving I've been having for the past week).

I always loved when my WH would wipe his hands on my towel. It has his smells on it. I sleep with his pillow and in his sweatshirt right now. I LOVE the smells of my husband!! Wish he was here more often so I could have more of them.

I was sad today, I had to wash the sheets and the thought creeped in my mind, what if something where to happen to him and I wouldn't have his smell on the sheets to remind me of him. I made that thought go away very quickly or else I would have been in a heap, nothing gets me as upset than the thought of losing him (I don't even dare think of how I would feel if I lost my children, I just don't let my mind go there). I asked him a couple of times if the life insurance was paid up so I don't have to worry about the house. I think I have such a smart hubby to think of stuff like that....I hope I never have to live life without him. My only wish if our family if forced to deal with such a tragedy, that I'll have the strength to go on for the sake of our children. You know, he told me how he wanted to be laid in a coffin and I just started bawling...I just hope that I don't have to deal with it.

I am having a problem....I can't explain intimacy. Hubby thinks it's sex, and I cannot seem to explain it to him. He still thinks that all I want is sex and that's not the case. He keeps saying that after someone gets married sex stops. I don't understand....I was trying to just open up to him completely and trying to get him to understand some things and the whole, well if I truly feel this way about him, why did I cheat just keeps coming into my mind. How can I say what I'm saying...I told him I still get tingly when he kisses me...I have pretty much always gotten tingly from his kisses, and he doesn't feel anything. I told him that I was afraid he was going to leave me if he met someone that made him feel the he way does me. He told me that was his fear. I fell in love with him and who he is, there isn't another man out there like him and I wouldn't want to be married to anybody other than him. And then, those thoughts come creeping back of how could I cheat on him. I feel trapped by my own mind sometimes. I feel like I am banging my head against a wall, here I am telling him how I feel when he kisses me and I dare to cheat! I could just shake myself....suicide even entered my mind a time or two but I know that's no answer.
Now, should he feel something when he kisses me? He even says that sex isn't that great feeling wise...I know what he means, I still feel like something is wrong with me because I don't get the heart racing, sweat inducing, mind-blowing reaction stuff going on. I tend to blame him a little for that because he doesn't do anything but expect me to do the work. He says it take too much work to do anything to me and I crave the intimacy that comes from the mind blowing stuff. All he does is tell me I have two hands. He seems to act like sex is just sex. I hate to say this but if sex was "just sex" to him then why is he so hurt over the As?? He used to say many times before the As if I wasn't happy (with sex) then go find somebody else. I don't get it. I want this intimacy with him and I can't seem to get it, I get glimpses of it now, but I guess I'm greedy because I want more.

Wife_02

Just out of curiosity, how much of marriage builder methods have you studied?


There is a disconnect there I don't understand.

Larry

what to you mean by disconnect there? I can clarify what I meant. There are things I just can't get out right sometimes when I talk about loving him. There is just something about him, something that I think is different and I love that about him. Yes, right now I feel loads of love for him and I would do just about anything for him. I am enamored with him, fascinated and all kinds of other words like that.

What about marriage builder's methods, like all of the basic concepts or any of the books? Note link to basic concepts on the right hand menu.

Larry

Reading, reading, reading! I found the instincts and habits interesting...still reading along those links...there is so much here at MB!