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I will try to take care of myself, but it is hard to know what I want to do to help myself. I will plan to be mysterious, even if I end up going to McDonald's to sit and work on my homework or even just go over to my parents house.

Today was an especially bad for my mother. She can't see the positives when they do happen because she wants to make it happen now. She wants to ring his neck. She is cycling just like I have been. I let her talk about things and then tell her how things will go up and down as he tries to figure things out. We need to hold onto the good when it happens and not get too down when a negative happens. We also need to keep in mind that the positives also don't mean that he will come back. He is extending a little bit of an olive branch to the family, even if it starts with only the kids. Each time he is here, it means he is not there.

I have had a hard time trying to go see my parents since they have found out because all it makes me want to do is cry and I am so sick and tired of crying all the time. My dad called me yesterday, without my mother telling him to, after processing things. I had told my mother to let him know that he can call me anytime after she told him about what was going on. It was pretty much idle chit chat because as soon as he talked about things, my voice started to quiver and I think it made him nervous that he was upsetting me or not sure how to deal with things. We talked for a little bit afterwards about not much of anything.

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Sometimes I wonder if the A is partially due to him now being a career fireman instead of viewing himself as just being a guy with a job. He was the oldest one in his recruit class and was nicknamed grandpa in a class with many young 20 year olds.

I have tried to find out his top 3 EN's, but won't get anything out of him. If I were to guess, I would say communication, sexual fulfillment, and family. Do not have all the information on OW, just a first name and an address (from him). I have done full exposure (except to my grandma). He was most upset over my communication with his family (especially his sister) as I am not sure the story he told them was what he had been telling me. I think I gave them a few details that he had not. Yes I got the key logger on my computer and didn't think about the kids computers until the other day when he was on there. Am working on that tonight.

Working on making myself happy has been a little difficult as I have not really had the time because of my hectic schedule and WH had not really been trying to stay at the house with the kids too much. As he said, he struggles with this because he can't afford to do much with them.

I find it really funny at how well my DS, without even knowing what he is doing, is giving WH reasons to feel good about himself. We went to the station tonight, and I was looking pretty good in what I was wearing-blue, his favorite color- feeling as good as I can, given the situation-but not letting him know that- with a pan of Rocky Road brownies to share with everyone and some girl scout cookies that someone bought and told me to donate to somewhere because they were trying to watch what they were eating. (Yes, another thing to share at the FS with the other guys!! God works in mysterious ways and sometimes when you least expect it!!

We pulled up and he came out to meet us. I wondered if he was going to have us come inside or just visit outside. We went in the afternoon so there was the possibility of other guys being around to see him interacting with the family. I smiled and greeted the guys who were around. We did go in the station and sat down and all talked for a while. DS asked if WH wanted to play fussball and he said yes. DD wanted to play also and I joined in as well (something I hadn't done in the past). DS made a comment while we were playing about how this was a "fun family game" to play. WH is good at playing the game and I was able to make comments about how good he was at the game and that he could hit the ball so fast that I couldn't see it coming.

They called that dinner was ready, but he played a couple more games with us before we decided to leave so he could have a warm dinner. He walked us out to the car, carrying DD. We talked for a few minutes, he gave me a hug, and opened the car door for me. Something he used to always do, but hadn't done in a while. It felt really good to have him do that for me again.

Keeping the thoughts of the good visit, but still dying a little because it had to end. He will be here in the morning to gets kids on the bus and then in the afternoon to get them off again.. I will stay away for a little bit because we have not discussed which day he wants to stay for the evening and put them to bed. I might try to talk with him about that tonight so I can make plans for somewhere to go or something to do.

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Oh...one more little thing that I do is, since he helps me out by doing laundry for me, he always liked for me to wear specific types of undergarments. I will usually try to wear these when I am going to be around him, even though he won't see them, but he will see them when he does the laundry and he knows I have other things that I could wear that are not as appealing to him.

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hurray Just wanted to stop in and say you're doing a great job!! A lot of really good positives prove that.

Originally Posted by prayerfulmomof2
Today was an especially bad for my mother. She can't see the positives when they do happen because she wants to make it happen now. She wants to ring his neck. She is cycling just like I have been.
Just tell her you also want this to be over NOW.. but.... you know it's better to fix it RIGHT than to fix it FAST...

Also...as I remember you were afraid to tell her because you thought she would put you down.. so she is doing a great job too..
However....this is YOUR journey. You won't have the energy you need if you start worrying about her emotions too..

In the long run and what you really need her to be is like a mighty oak tree... someone you can tie a rope around during the turbulent times... Not easily swayed. Firm against heavy winds..with roots buried deeply in solid soil.
Not like a wispy pine tree that blows all around with every changing breeze...(you will be that tree enough at times without anyone's help...LOL) And one that breaks during a storm. You need her positive strength. Mother...not girlfriend.

Find a way to thank her for all her support which has helped you so much... and convey this concept to her gently also...
Keep helping him with those tiny little steps that will lead him home.
GOoD Luck and Prayers Frank

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Beautiful interactions!

Time to get creative in finding OW's info. Well, tomorrow anyway. Right now I could "creative" my way out of a paper bag, and you probably couldn't either. grin

So, note to self: tomorrow begin brainstorming session on Operation Supersleuth.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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While Neak is working on Op supersleuth, I had a look at alternatives to ILU and found this post by you know who given to T2L when she had a similar issue.

Originally Posted by Neak
You're so cute.
I lurve you.
Bye sexy man.
I married my honey.
Bye sweetie.
Hubba-hubba.


Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
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None of that looks familiar.........are you sure I wasn't quoting Pep?

If you're in the US, which I think you are but I'm drawing a blank, there are lots of resources. I think I'd start with WH's phone bills, since you can probably get her # that way. Once you do, a $15-or-so search on Intelius should turn up full info, including full name, address, and likely friends and associates.

Or, if you can only get her address, you can search through that. Phone bills will be the quickest and easiest if you can get them, if you can't then schedule a Sunday to follow him back to the abarfment.

Once you get a first and last name, zabasearch.com very often has lots of helpful (and free!) information, including past addresses. A cross check of those addresses will usually turn up family members.

Start there and see what you come up with. If you don't get anything, we'll take it back to the drawing board. If worse came to worst, you might need to follow OW to work and see where she works. From there, it would be very easy to get her last name: ask for her by her first name, and even if you get her, just ask how to spell her last name and hang up.

There's always a way - you just have to find it. wink


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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I am in the US and have been checking the phone bills. Unfortunately, I think he only texts with her and maybe calls from a land line phone, which I don't get any phone numbers on because they are local. I will probably need to follow him on a Sunday. DS told me when we were talking about something that he could show me where daddy was staying, but I struggle getting him in the middle because he is so young (11 years old) and I don't want him to be the whistle blower and then feel guilty over any fall out from it.

MIL is going to try to find out some information about where he is staying, as he has not even given them any information. Maybe she will get some info from him.

Tonight was a pretty good night. I ran a few errands tonight and let him stay at the house with the kiddos for 3 hours, when I could have been home at 2:45pm after student teaching. When I got home, he was doing some yard work and I am pretty sure that he had been at the house for quite awhile because he was working on his lawn mower, the yard, and the laundry. He came inside to wash up before heading out. We had a nice conversation because today was the first day I took over two classes on my own in student teaching (gotta love working with 7th grade boys, high functioning special education, dealing with depression, anger, etc. LOL!! MrRollieEyes

I told him how my student teaching experience would progress and when I would keep taking over more and more classes. I talked about how in the month of April I was going to have to teach nine 8th grade special needs boys (with anger, attention, and depression issues)poetry!!! twoxfour We all know how well any 8th grade boy feels about poetry and then to add all the other issues these students have to deal with will just make it more fun!! LOL!! think I told him some of the things that I had been thinking of trying to use to teach the subject. His only comment was that he wasn't a teacher so he didn't know if the techniques would work. I said, "Yes, but you were an 8th grade boy before. What would have made you interested in learning about poetry?" He responded by saying, "Nothing would have." I said that I know, but I have to teach it any way and trying to use my creativity, which this teacher will let me use.

He said he needed to go and run some errands. I walked him to the door with DD. She gave him a hug and did her normal, don't go, I want to go with you, stay here speech to him. I went to give him a hug, which he did give me, but said "be careful, I've got oil and stuff on me and don't want you to get dirty." DD and I walked him out to the car. He made eye contact with me after he got in the car and we waved to each other as he drove off. (I really HATE that part!!!! Nooo)

The interaction felt good!! It felt more comfortable and relaxed on both parts and there were a few giggles and laughs in the conversation. rotflmao Definitely got some smiles from me in the conversations today!! smile Which he said he had not seen from me in awhile when he left.

We discussed that Thursday night would be the night he would stay here until after they go to bed and then I would come home (around 9:30-10:00pm). I was planning on making dinner for them so that all he has to do is heat things up along with them having a special desert to eat. I was trying to think of something that I could bring home with me that might entice him to sit and talk for just a little bit after I get home. I am thinking of coming home closer to 10:00pm so that maybe he would have fallen asleep on the couch and I would have to wake him up to let him know I am home.

Positive to him being here is that he will have been at the station the previous 24 hours and then at our house all afternoon/evening until late.

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FYI...As a kind gesture to WH, since he has to cook at the station and isn't very good at it, I found two recipes that I put in an envelop and gave to him with a note that said I would show him how to make them if he needed me to help him.

Also, I offered some time if he wanted to spend the night at the house with the kids, that I would go to my parents house or something so that he could stay at our house with them.

Since MIL and SIL have offered several times to come down and help watch the kids if I ever needed them to, even though my parents are almost always around to help me if I need it, I'm going to find some dates to give her so that she can maybe find one that works to come down and be with the kids for the day (and spend the night if she would want and be with them the next day). I felt that it would be a good thing to do since she has been so nice about the whole situation and we had not had this relationship ever before.

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Do you read what I write? I put a lot of thought in it for YOU... You never comment...it's a little frustrating...

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I do read your responses. I looked at the last response again and I actually talked to my mom about what you had said about getting him back the right way and not the quick way. She told me that she did understand, it's just frustrating for her. She is definitely the mighty oak for me and it's what I am trying to be also. I really thank you for all your comments and if I don't respond it is definitely not because I don't read what you have to say, it depends on when I read your response and what I have going on. Thank you so much for all your help. I will go back later tonight to read your other responses also again, as I can hardly remember what people have said in the past, and it is probably a good thing for me to do occasionally anyway.

I have two big tests that I have to prepare for this weekend and will have to be reviewing for them over the next few days and may not be on here as much as normal, because of time. Thanks for all your thoughts, prayers, and words. It is always helpful when I hear/read anything.

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Give him a backrub when you get back late. Don't give him a choice, just go right up and start on his shoulders and neck. I defy him to leave right in the middle!

I think you've done well to resist asking DS to show you the place. Unless there was an emergency, you don't want to go there. If, after brainstorming, Sunday is the only possible day to follow him, plan it for this coming Sunday.

You can also run your WH through the same places - if he's getting mail at another address it's likely to show up eventually.

Having another cell phone is more likely than conducting an A solely by text and landline. Keep an eye out, since you never know what opportunity you might have.

Without neglecting passive openings, you're going to have to create your own. It's time to push a bit and make this a priority.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Thanks for the advice and the compliment about DS. I couldn't bring myself to do that. He did, on his own, tell me where the apartment was and the color of it. I have an idea of where it is.

Today was an interesting day. I had asked WH to come to the house about 15 minutes earlier than he had been to help me because I have had some last minute things pop up that has pushed me of a morning. He said of course and did show up this morning early like I asked. Last night we had a great conversation last night at the house and another on the phone when the kids called about something. Both were about 15-20 minutes each and pleasant.

He arrived this morning as normal, a little quieter than sometimes. A few minutes after he sat down at the table with DD for her breakfast, he got a text. He responded and his attitude changed a little bit. He then received another couple of texts and seemed upset, mad, not sure which. I quickly just said, "Everything OK?" He shook his head no and became pretty solemn and quiet. I just nicely/quickly said, "I'm sorry." and then prepared to leave for school. I walked over (he was sitting down) gave him a little hug. He didn't move, look up, or say more than goodbye.

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Oh girlfriend, you are getting to him. He's mentally scratching his head wondering what's going on. You should be MAD at him but here you are, a loving wife. Those texts? Betcha they were from OW. She doesn't LIKE the fact that he's spending so much time with his FAMILY. Nothing like a GREAT Plan A to get a WS running in circles and an OW frothing at the mouth. smile

I love the advice that you're getting. Perfect!


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I really hope that is what is going on here. Who else would be texting him at 7:15am?? He will be at the station 24 hours tomorrow, come to the house to get the kids on and off the bus, and stay with them until I get home about 10:00pm. (Looking good, of course!!) He will then work on Friday, all day at PT job, and maybe into the evening if they have hours. He will then work again 24 hours on Saturday!!

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Quote
Who else would be texting him at 7:15am??

Wrong question, sista! wink The right question is, who else would be texting him and change his whole mood? Same answer, though.

He doesn't like his happy little family life being intruded on by tentacles from the OW compartment. WS's hate to have their double life spill over.

And hope nothing - Princess Meggy nailed it, guar-on-teed!!!


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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It's been a pretty good day overall from WH being home and seeming to be having problems at "home" (for lack of a better place to call OW's place) to my university supervisor visiting me at my student teaching placement and telling me that I look like I am really happy with my current placement and that I fit in very well. She was pretty sure that I would work well with middle school kids (90% are male students, 7th and 8th grade, dealing with depression, anxiety, and anger issues). I really am enjoying my placement and feel comfortable working with these kids (most of whom are in divorced family situations).

The teacher that I am working with has been divorced and after all the positives and how comfortable I felt with her, I actually discussed my current situation. She said that she was sorry that I had to go through this and she was there 6 years ago. She said her situation was in a more abusive and nasty place than where mine is. I don't know her whole story, but at least feel comfortable talking with her if I ever need to or am having problems. That was not the situation with the last teacher I was working with for 7 and 1/2 weeks while this was going on.

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I always thought "Barf Shack" was kinda cute, but you can make up your own name. Puke Palace, Emesis Estates..........


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Sounds like you are doing everything almost right. And congrats on doing so well in your student teaching. I was a long time career employee with the gov when my ex was conducting his affair, and I was like a zombie for several months, just barely getting through the day.

I do disagree with some of the others here. If your 11 year old knows where dad lives, I would have him take me there. You aren't putting him in the middle, dad did that. And there is no need for dad to know how you found out. In fact, you don't even need to mention what you know right now. But you need facts, so that you can expose the affair.

Your family is being attacked right now, and you need to use everything at your disposal to fight this battle.

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I can take him somewhere and drive by where I think the apartment is to go "run an errand" and I know that maybe DS might say, that's where daddy is staying if we go by the apartment. Then I am not straight our asking him, he is offering the information and I would never tell WH where I found out where he was staying. This way I am not having DS "tattle" on daddy out right so he never feels responsible for anything, because he is all ready taking on too much of this responsibility himself.

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