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Joined: Mar 2010
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FreeCat Offline OP
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Ok, where to start.

I'm 30, she's 31, been together for 13 years, married for 3. She cheated on me Jan 28th, I found out a week later. She obviously had no plans to tell me, but I found out since I thought something was going on and started snooping. She was dumb enough to write it in her journal, hence I know the exact date.

I found out on a Friday, we spent all weekend talking and I told her I wasn't willing to give up, I wanted to work things out. She agreed, and said she would end it with him.

Problem #1: She works in the same office as him, and he conveniently has an apartment real close to work, and is single.

So of course Monday rolls around, and her tune changes into she doesn't know what she wants. Cue Groundhog Day title screen, as over the course of the next month she goes back and forth. At least once a week, she says she wants to try to work on things, and the rest of the week she is cold towards me, and wants it to end. All this time, she has not stopped seeing him, and has no problems telling me that she still is.

I was trying my best to do Plan A while she fence-sits, as hard as it was. There were lots of nights where we were in separate rooms with the doors closed. About a week ago we got forced into a Plan B as her sister is in the hospital for a few weeks, and she is staying at her apartment with her dog. This Monday, she sends me an email saying she misses me and wants nothing more than for things to go back to how they were, but sometimes likes being alone and what that brings. So we decided to make plans for this Saturday night, and go out. She said she canceled her plans with "him" that she had Wednesday night. I somewhat believe her, since she hasn't had any inclination to spare my feelings yet. I have no proof, but it seems like her will to get back together coincides with him maybe giving her the cold shoulder.

So my questions...it's been a month and I'm pretty tired of the fence sitting. She's been out of the house for a week, should I be talking to her at all? If she happens to call should it go ignored? Should I go out with her Saturday? I didn't have much time to work on Plan A, and it didn't turn out so well since I found this website just recently. I do plan to have a good time though, and make sure she has one too...sort of a pseudo plan A, for one night I guess. When is the point where I should tell her to either drop him completely, or give me the divorce papers so I can move on with my life? I don't think she would see him in secret, as she seems to either want to end it or work it out. Her favorite word is "unsure."

Exposure...everyone knows we are separated since she told them, but I have a feeling the reasons went unsaid. I'm not opposed to it at all. Should I still do it with where we are? Should I contact her work since they work together? I couldn't care less if she got fired at this point. She's been the sole provider the last year(probably part of the reason this happened), and it would hurt us financially as we eat through our savings, but money is my last concern. People at work must know, since her and him have gone out together in groups with friends from work.

Counseling...she's been seeing a therapist since this started, I have an appointment this week. She has not wanted to do couples counseling. She finally agreed to go when I sprang it on her I was setting up the appointment.

I think that's it, sorry for the wall of text. Any help with some of my questions would be appreciated. Thanks!




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I'll make this quick.

1. Get a job, quick

2. Expose at work. This should have been done a LONG time ago. Search this forum for techniques for increasing the effectiveness of exposure. For example, is she on FB?

3. Plan B should definitely be considered at this point.

4. SERIOUSLY consider if you want to remain M'd to a woman who broke the most serious of vows that anyone can take after only three years of M.



ManInMotion
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Well, if you want to try and save the marriage, you must expose ASAP. IMO, there is no real way around this.

I would say you should be able to Plan A for a while longer before you plan B.

Good luck. You are not alone.


_________________________
BH=36(me), WW=36
DDay: Dec 4 2009
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No kids? Explore #4 in the above post with grave consideration...

Expose to those closest to your marriage, parents, siblings, grandparents, close friends, and others who "support your marriage. Make a list. Now, add to the list the names of the OM's parents, brothers, sisters, girlfriends or ex's, and get busy exposing the A to all of them. Not in a way that say's vengence, but in a way that says "I love my wife, she's in an affair, and I'm doing all I can do to save my marriage. If there's anything you can think of that will help..."

Read everything you can on this website. Others going through the same thing will get advice you can use. Purchase the book "Surviving an Affair" and read it asap! It's your roadmap to the "other side".

Yes, get a job...Women like their men to be the wage earner's, and even if your dream job is not available right now, no matter, get a job. It's easier to find the dream job when you already have another job anyway.

Continue with Plan A. Show her the best husband you can be. Do a quick self analysis and correct your known shortcomings. Be a romantic and cook for her and woo her like when you first met. Avoid lovebusters at all costs.

Continue to post and people here will help you along the way.


BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04

***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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FreeCat Offline OP
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Thanks everybody. Exposure is in the works. I found this site after she already told everyone we were separated, and she moved out, so I wanted to ask if exposure was still a good idea.

Thankfully, no kids. It will be 14 years this July that we will have been together, and we've lived together for at least 11 years. If I could just shut it off and send her packing, I would.

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Expose WW parents and siblings, your kids, OM parents and work.

WW or OM will have to leave that job. They can never be allowed to work for the same business again. NC is a must.

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Sorry that you are here, but, there is is lots of support on this site for you. It has helped me greatly. I'm new too...not an expert on advise..... but she can't work in the same office as the OM, seeing him everyday does not help your cause.

Read everything you can, "Surviving and Affair, His needs He needs" ...and everything on the marriage builders site.

I'm one of those that researches something 20hrs before I buy it, hence, I've read tons on the internet about A's and I think this site is my favorite, it has helped my marriage greatly!

I wish you the best, hang in there!




BS (ME)40
FWH 40
M 18yrs
DS 16, 14, 12
DDay #1 10/09 innaprop email
DDay #2 12/18/09 SA phone/email, met 4 times over 12m
DDay #3 12/25/09 (full confess. Merry Christmas!) 2 ONS,in 08, 2 EA/phone/internet.06-08
NC 12/19/09 sent emails to ALL!

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Hi FreeCat, welcome to MB.

Do you have any children?

Originally Posted by FreeCat
She was dumb enough to write it in her journal, hence I know the exact date.
While it's fine to come here and vent, Love Busters (LBs) like this DJ (disrespectful judgment) do not help your cause. It's okay to blow off steam here on the forums, but be mindful of how you view your wife as it will come through in how you interact with her.

Quote
Problem #1: She works in the same office as him, and he conveniently has an apartment real close to work, and is single.
You must expose at their work. This should be done in writing with copies going to her boss, his boss, the CEO, head of HR, and anyone else you can think of. Make sure they all know the others were copied. That way they'll be less inclined to ignore it. I'll post a sample letter in a separate post.

How do you know he's single?

Quote
I was trying my best to do Plan A while she fence-sits, as hard as it was. There were lots of nights where we were in separate rooms with the doors closed.

Describe "your best Plan A" please.

Did she move out of your bedroom, or vice versa?

Quote
About a week ago we got forced into a Plan B as her sister is in the hospital for a few weeks
This is not Plan B.
Did you give her a Plan B letter?
Did you name an intermediary?
You should still be in an active Plan A.

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She's been out of the house for a week, should I be talking to her at all?
Yes! You are in Plan A. What are her top three ENs? Is conversation one of them? Would you prefer she go chat up OM?


Quote
I do plan to have a good time though, and make sure she has one too...sort of a pseudo plan A, for one night I guess.
There is no such thing as a pseudo Plan A. Plan A is to show your wayward spouse that you can consistently, over time, meet her ENs. One date is not consistent nor over time. I'm thinking you missed the boat a little bit on Plan A. Read the link in my signature and refresh your understanding. There's a lot to read on this site, and you're stressed so it's hard to retain info. That's okay. Just read it, re-read it, and implement a kick-butt Plan A. A REAL one.

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When is the point where I should tell her to either drop him completely, or give me the divorce papers so I can move on with my life?
You don't. You can't control her and telling her what to do is a selfish demand. You can tell her what YOUR boundaries are. "I will not continue indefinitely in a marriage that has a third party in it." Or you can file for divorce, but telling her to give you the D papers won't change a thing. If she wanted to D, she'd have had you served by now.

Quote
Exposure...everyone knows we are separated since she told them, but I have a feeling the reasons went unsaid.
Bingo! She probably said "We're separated; things haven't been good for us for a long time. We'd D but we can't afford it right now. So basically I'm single, it's just a formality that needs to be taken care of later." That's a very different message from "I'm having an affair; my husband still loves me and is willing to do whatever it takes to salvage our marriage and make it the best it's ever been."

So yes... expose at work and to others as well. ESPECIALLY the ones she's already "exposed" to.


Just so you know, counseling is ineffective while one of the people is in an affair. Also you should know that marriage counselors on the whole have something like an 84% failure rate at saving marriages. Dr. Harley has a near 100% success rate if his methods are followed. You can't force WW to follow his methods, but you can follow them yourself and she will probably eventually join you on your journey.

Do NOT tell her about this site!! Do NOT try to educate her and "teach" her about affairs, how to save marriages, or anything else you are learning. That is a big fat love buster. Read about DJs and you will understand why. (Link to LB in my sig).

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Notes about exposure:

--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell her you're going to expose. Just do it. If she has advance warning, she will tell her friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. H is controlling and angry. He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me. He is possessive and jealous, and he accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OM has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a man would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

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Sample exposure letter for work; written by Brit's Brat, a MB member and corporate attorney.

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS

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Yes, you need to expose. You've gotten good info on who you'll need to expose this to.

Your WW told everyone that the two of you separated to make it look like the separation occurred prior to the start of the A. You may want to reference the start date in your exposure letter, to the effect of "WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. I was stunned to learn of this on January 28, when I stumbled over my W's written words confirming it." Then continue the exposure letter.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!


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