Chin up girl. Your hubby is behaving very normally, believe it or not. Once you get more recovered, he will be able to figure out the extraordinary protections that he needs to do. Those protections will cover anything that might come up.

You're within my reach HbH, I just might smack you!

J/K .... kinda

I am a SAD(being the pathetic kind) because I read "Exit HBH and BaT, together, to the mailbox..." and said OUT LOUD "awwwwwww"

I can find ROMANCE everywhere.

And I LOVE the levity.

I hesitate to jump in on this discussion because i am far from a vet and you are already getting advice from many of the forum's best but here goes... Your above statement ultimately became the hurdle that I had to overcome in order to R my M and my own feelings of love for my WH. He was a liar, a cheater and had a pathetic need for admiration on top of what he had become in my eyes. I actually had to imagine that my WH (not my DH) was dead in order to come to terms with this.

One night when he was late coming home and my anxiety was in overdrive I convinced myself that he had been killed. I began to think of all of the wonderful things about him that I would never have in my life again. The thought of death took the choice out of losing him for me and i sat down with my journal the next day and wrote down the things that I admired about him. Very many of those things had NOT been changed by his adultery. I came to grips with the fact that I was married to an imperfect man who had made horrendous mistakes and he was married to an imperfect woman that was unable to see his shame and effort and love because i could only see his betrayal.

I did not forget the betrayal after that but it was the turning point in our R. I began to show him the admiration and apreciation that he needed and he began to become the man that I had fallen in love with so many years before. The wall that he had built around himself even before his A dissolved in the next few weeks. A man whose #1 EN is admiration and a woman who can find nothing about him to admire have no chance of R.

Also, Kayla's last post was spot on.

God's Blessings,

Say

Good morning HBH!

It's a new day, and I want to take a new direction with you for a bit.

What are you doing to take care of yourself? Sadly, no.

Are you eating well? Again, no.

Are you exercising? Neither one of us have since D-day.

Are you treating yourself to the little things that make you feel attractive? I've only been to the spa once since D-Day Before PA, I probably fit the term "high-maintenance"...so no, not doing those things...and I hate it

Have you found an IRL friend who can support you in your efforts to recover your marriage? I have several friends I could talk to if I wanted. I think one of the misconceptions from my thread was that BaT and I didn't expose. But in our old hometown, we did a Nuclear Exposure...BaT did everything short of taking out an ad in the newspaper. So there are several friends I could talk to if I wanted....

Have you returned to church? Sadly, no...but BaT told me that he told TST that we would (that was two weekends ago). Should I make us go? I mean, if I just said that it was going to happen, BaT would go. But then there's the whole control issue (I'm trying to start my sentences with "would you mind if" and the POJA...so I don't know...

Are you reading Scripture and/or listening to praise music? No. But this is a GREAT idea. Radio music is a HUGE trigger for me due to circumstances with the PA, so we dont even turn on the radio anymore. Praise music would be a great substitute!!

These are actions I took to help myself heal.

You have to take good care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually to recover from this.

Also, a critical part of recovery is creating a lifestyle where you enjoy being together.

15 or more hours of undivided attention...

That's not the same as working together and running a household together.

Those 15 hours need to be dedicated to meeting the top four intimate emotional needs to rebuild both of your love banks.

Dr. H defines the 4 INTIMATE ENs as:

1. conversation--needs to be enjoyable for both of you so you must avoid love busters and affair talk completely during those 15 hours.

2. affection

3. recreational companionship--doing activities together that you BOTH enjoy doing.

4. sexual fulfillment


Dr. H says these four ENs are critical to building intimacy and romantic love.

Dr. H says that a couple should sit down together once a week and schedule out those 15 hours. One quick way to reach this is to work together to put the kids to bed at 8 p.m. Then you have from 8-10 of UNDIVIDED ATTENTION time. That's 2 hours per day...you've already reached 14 hours. Add in a date once a week, and you have hit the mark on UA.

UNLESS WE ARE ARGUING....agghhhhh!!! BaT and I talked this morning about trying to stop those before they spiral out of control...this would be the one thing that BaT and I are the WORST at.

UA is the one thing that BaT and I are actually good at!!!

UA is the one thing that BaT and I are actually good at!!! We take a walk every morning together thru the park (about 45-hr)...we just have fun with each other...even during work hours. We are both very flirty and witty. Every nite, our babies are in bed by 8:30...but we usually go out at least once during the day for an hour or so (shopping, movies, etc).

UNLESS WE ARE ARGUING....agghhhhh!!! BaT and I talked this morning about trying to stop those before they spiral out of control...this would be the one thing that BaT and I are the WORST at.

Thanks for the input SMB!!

An idea that I've seen suggested around here is to schedule time for affair talk/questions, and to never discuss it outside of those scheduled times. Doing this protects all other conversations from the high possibility of love bank withdrawals. You both need to create an environment where pleasant, enjoyable conversation happens often.

Are all 4 intimate ENs being met often throughout the week?

Conversation
Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Recreational Companionship

{{{{{{HbH}}}}}},


Real quick, because I am at work, schedule a spa treatment ASAP...... I'll comment more on this later..... Glad to hear you are doing a bit better. How was your appt.?

Not2fun