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Chin up girl. Your hubby is behaving very normally, believe it or not. Once you get more recovered, he will be able to figure out the extraordinary protections that he needs to do. Those protections will cover anything that might come up.

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Originally Posted by believer
Chin up girl. Your hubby is behaving very normally, believe it or not. Once you get more recovered, he will be able to figure out the extraordinary protections that he needs to do. Those protections will cover anything that might come up.

Thanks Believer!!!

For now, BaT and I will be asking each other...

"would you mind if I take a drink of my water?"
"would it be ok if I go to the restroom?"
"would it bother you if I yawn?"

J/K....kinda smile

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You're within my reach HbH, I just might smack you!

J/K .... kinda
stickout

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
You're within my reach HbH, I just might smack you!

J/K .... kinda
stickout

moments of levity Pep....moments of levity....

Actual conversaton 5 mins ago:

HBH: I am going to go check...WOULD YOU MIND if I go check the mail?

BaT: Only if you went without me...

Exit HBH and BaT, together, to the mailbox...

See Pep, I am a good student...kinda

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I am a SAD(being the pathetic kind) because I read "Exit HBH and BaT, together, to the mailbox..." and said OUT LOUD "awwwwwww"

I can find ROMANCE everywhere.

And I LOVE the levity.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted by Scotland
I am a SAD(being the pathetic kind) because I read "Exit HBH and BaT, together, to the mailbox..." and said OUT LOUD "awwwwwww"

I can find ROMANCE everywhere.

And I LOVE the levity.


hug Scotland hug

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Good morning HBH!

It's a new day, and I want to take a new direction with you for a bit.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

Are you eating well?

Are you exercising?

Are you treating yourself to the little things that make you feel attractive?

Have you found an IRL friend who can support you in your efforts to recover your marriage?

Have you returned to church?

Are you reading Scripture and/or listening to praise music?

These are actions I took to help myself heal.

You have to take good care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually to recover from this.

Last edited by sexymamabear; 03/12/10 08:12 AM.

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Also, a critical part of recovery is creating a lifestyle where you enjoy being together.

15 or more hours of undivided attention...

That's not the same as working together and running a household together.

Those 15 hours need to be dedicated to meeting the top four intimate emotional needs to rebuild both of your love banks.

Dr. H defines the 4 INTIMATE ENs as:

1. conversation--needs to be enjoyable for both of you so you must avoid love busters and affair talk completely during those 15 hours.

2. affection

3. recreational companionship--doing activities together that you BOTH enjoy doing.

4. sexual fulfillment


Dr. H says these four ENs are critical to building intimacy and romantic love.

Dr. H says that a couple should sit down together once a week and schedule out those 15 hours. One quick way to reach this is to work together to put the kids to bed at 8 p.m. Then you have from 8-10 of UNDIVIDED ATTENTION time. That's 2 hours per day...you've already reached 14 hours. Add in a date once a week, and you have hit the mark on UA.


Last edited by sexymamabear; 03/12/10 08:20 AM.

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It is very important that you both go to bed at the same time and in the same bed smile

In early recovery tst and I would put our young ones to bed at 8 p.m. then tell our teens good night, and we headed to our room for our UA time. We would read a book aloud together, or give each other massages, or just talk about our day, cuddle, and SF.



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Originally Posted by saynomore
Originally Posted by hurt_but_hopeful
[quote=KaylaAndy]
I will try to do better with DJ. But the truth is I don't admire BaT.

I hesitate to jump in on this discussion because i am far from a vet and you are already getting advice from many of the forum's best but here goes... Your above statement ultimately became the hurdle that I had to overcome in order to R my M and my own feelings of love for my WH. He was a liar, a cheater and had a pathetic need for admiration on top of what he had become in my eyes. I actually had to imagine that my WH (not my DH) was dead in order to come to terms with this.

One night when he was late coming home and my anxiety was in overdrive I convinced myself that he had been killed. I began to think of all of the wonderful things about him that I would never have in my life again. The thought of death took the choice out of losing him for me and i sat down with my journal the next day and wrote down the things that I admired about him. Very many of those things had NOT been changed by his adultery. I came to grips with the fact that I was married to an imperfect man who had made horrendous mistakes and he was married to an imperfect woman that was unable to see his shame and effort and love because i could only see his betrayal.

I did not forget the betrayal after that but it was the turning point in our R. I began to show him the admiration and apreciation that he needed and he began to become the man that I had fallen in love with so many years before. The wall that he had built around himself even before his A dissolved in the next few weeks. A man whose #1 EN is admiration and a woman who can find nothing about him to admire have no chance of R.

Also, Kayla's last post was spot on.

God's Blessings,

Say




This post by Say was so good I wanted to highlight it again. So glad you shared your experience, Say!

I read it aloud to tst and we both got choked up.


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Originally Posted by sexymamabear
Good morning HBH!

It's a new day, and I want to take a new direction with you for a bit.

What are you doing to take care of yourself? Sadly, no.

Are you eating well? Again, no.

Are you exercising? Neither one of us have since D-day.

Are you treating yourself to the little things that make you feel attractive? I've only been to the spa once since D-Day frown Before PA, I probably fit the term "high-maintenance"...so no, not doing those things...and I hate it frown

Have you found an IRL friend who can support you in your efforts to recover your marriage? I have several friends I could talk to if I wanted. I think one of the misconceptions from my thread was that BaT and I didn't expose. But in our old hometown, we did a Nuclear Exposure...BaT did everything short of taking out an ad in the newspaper. So there are several friends I could talk to if I wanted....

Have you returned to church? Sadly, no...but BaT told me that he told TST that we would (that was two weekends ago). Should I make us go? I mean, if I just said that it was going to happen, BaT would go. But then there's the whole control issue (I'm trying to start my sentences with "would you mind if" and the POJA...so I don't know...

Are you reading Scripture and/or listening to praise music? No. But this is a GREAT idea. Radio music is a HUGE trigger for me due to circumstances with the PA, so we dont even turn on the radio anymore. Praise music would be a great substitute!!

These are actions I took to help myself heal.

You have to take good care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually to recover from this.
Thanks for the input SMB!!

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Originally Posted by sexymamabear
Also, a critical part of recovery is creating a lifestyle where you enjoy being together.

15 or more hours of undivided attention...

That's not the same as working together and running a household together.

Those 15 hours need to be dedicated to meeting the top four intimate emotional needs to rebuild both of your love banks.

Dr. H defines the 4 INTIMATE ENs as:

1. conversation--needs to be enjoyable for both of you so you must avoid love busters and affair talk completely during those 15 hours.

2. affection

3. recreational companionship--doing activities together that you BOTH enjoy doing.

4. sexual fulfillment


Dr. H says these four ENs are critical to building intimacy and romantic love.

Dr. H says that a couple should sit down together once a week and schedule out those 15 hours. One quick way to reach this is to work together to put the kids to bed at 8 p.m. Then you have from 8-10 of UNDIVIDED ATTENTION time. That's 2 hours per day...you've already reached 14 hours. Add in a date once a week, and you have hit the mark on UA.


SMB,

UA is the one thing that BaT and I are actually good at!!! We take a walk every morning together thru the park (about 45-hr)...we just have fun with each other...even during work hours. We are both very flirty and witty. Every nite, our babies are in bed by 8:30...but we usually go out at least once during the day for an hour or so (shopping, movies, etc).

UNLESS WE ARE ARGUING....agghhhhh!!! BaT and I talked this morning about trying to stop those before they spiral out of control...this would be the one thing that BaT and I are the WORST at. sigh

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Originally Posted by hurt_but_hopeful
UNLESS WE ARE ARGUING....agghhhhh!!! BaT and I talked this morning about trying to stop those before they spiral out of control...this would be the one thing that BaT and I are the WORST at. sigh


An idea that I've seen suggested around here is to schedule time for affair talk/questions, and to never discuss it outside of those scheduled times. Doing this protects all other conversations from the high possibility of love bank withdrawals. You both need to create an environment where pleasant, enjoyable conversation happens often.






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Originally Posted by hurt_but_hopeful
UA is the one thing that BaT and I are actually good at!!!


Are all 4 intimate ENs being met often throughout the week?

Conversation
Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Recreational Companionship



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Originally Posted by hurt_but_hopeful
UA is the one thing that BaT and I are actually good at!!! We take a walk every morning together thru the park (about 45-hr)...we just have fun with each other...even during work hours. We are both very flirty and witty. Every nite, our babies are in bed by 8:30...but we usually go out at least once during the day for an hour or so (shopping, movies, etc).

UNLESS WE ARE ARGUING....agghhhhh!!! BaT and I talked this morning about trying to stop those before they spiral out of control...this would be the one thing that BaT and I are the WORST at. sigh




You BOTH must protect the UA time from any and all love busters.

This time is when you do everything you can to make BaT fall in love with you again. This time is when BaT does everything he can to make you fall in love with him again.

You both must protect the other from love bank withdrawals while doing everything you each can to make deposits.

Is this happening during your UA time?


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Originally Posted by hurt_but_hopeful
Originally Posted by sexymamabear
Good morning HBH!

It's a new day, and I want to take a new direction with you for a bit.

What are you doing to take care of yourself? Sadly, no.

Are you eating well? Again, no.

Are you exercising? Neither one of us have since D-day.

Are you treating yourself to the little things that make you feel attractive? I've only been to the spa once since D-Day frown Before PA, I probably fit the term "high-maintenance"...so no, not doing those things...and I hate it frown

Have you found an IRL friend who can support you in your efforts to recover your marriage? I have several friends I could talk to if I wanted. I think one of the misconceptions from my thread was that BaT and I didn't expose. But in our old hometown, we did a Nuclear Exposure...BaT did everything short of taking out an ad in the newspaper. So there are several friends I could talk to if I wanted....

Have you returned to church? Sadly, no...but BaT told me that he told TST that we would (that was two weekends ago). Should I make us go? I mean, if I just said that it was going to happen, BaT would go. But then there's the whole control issue (I'm trying to start my sentences with "would you mind if" and the POJA...so I don't know...

Are you reading Scripture and/or listening to praise music? No. But this is a GREAT idea. Radio music is a HUGE trigger for me due to circumstances with the PA, so we dont even turn on the radio anymore. Praise music would be a great substitute!!

These are actions I took to help myself heal.

You have to take good care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually to recover from this.
Thanks for the input SMB!!






It looks like you need a plan for caring for yourself. Would you like some help here on this?

I needed to write my list down on paper and put it where I could see it so that I could remember the basics of taking care of me.

We can help you with this by giving you specifics as to what helped us regain our grounding. Not learned from the master, Mimi, who no longer posts here.


Last edited by sexymamabear; 03/12/10 09:54 AM.

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{{{{{{HbH}}}}}},


Real quick, because I am at work, schedule a spa treatment ASAP...... I'll comment more on this later..... Glad to hear you are doing a bit better. How was your appt.?

Not2fun

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Originally Posted by sexymamabear
Originally Posted by hurt_but_hopeful
UNLESS WE ARE ARGUING....agghhhhh!!! BaT and I talked this morning about trying to stop those before they spiral out of control...this would be the one thing that BaT and I are the WORST at. sigh


An idea that I've seen suggested around here is to schedule time for affair talk/questions, and to never discuss it outside of those scheduled times. Doing this protects all other conversations from the high possibility of love bank withdrawals. You both need to create an environment where pleasant, enjoyable conversation happens often.

I have seen this posted as well...and in all honesty, we have not done this. We=HBH. BaT would never talk about A, if I did not. I will re-start this today. Past attempts have failed, but I can/will do better at this.

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Originally Posted by sexymamabear
Originally Posted by hurt_but_hopeful
UA is the one thing that BaT and I are actually good at!!!


Are all 4 intimate ENs being met often throughout the week?

Conversation
Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Recreational Companionship


Conversation...BaT never shuts up, LOL...j/k but this is a no-brainer for us...we talk about movies, books, politics, travel, current events/news...anything/everything.

Affection...BaT and I both are very affectionate...always have been, even when A was going on, I didn't see a difference. We snuggle in bed, we take baths/shower, we hug, we kiss...we just touch each other 100 times throughout the day...like just now (we work out of the home and have two desks in our office) BaT got up to get a drink and he squeezed my shoulder when he walked by.

SF...I could work on this more...its there, but I am not doing what I should be for me and that plays into this...OLD HBH changed her toenail polish to match her outfit, which matched her shoes, which matched her purse....OLD HBH hired her hairdresser full time as her personal assitant so my hair was always done a certain way...you get the idea...I need to get back to that....WILL WORK ON THIS ASAP.

RC...again its there, a little less than A...because during and before A, I had three nannies...my babies were always with me, but I had help whereever I went (office, home, boat, vacations, etc) so I felt freedom to do alot (movies, dinner, dancing). Before/during A, BaT and I did something together EVERY DAY that was just us...now I am reluctant to leave our kids, but WILL WORK ON THIS ASAP.

not2fun #2336473 03/12/10 01:10 PM
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Originally Posted by not2fun
{{{{{{HbH}}}}}},


Real quick, because I am at work, schedule a spa treatment ASAP...... I'll comment more on this later..... Glad to hear you are doing a bit better. How was your appt.?

Not2fun


Appt with SH went well, he got after BaT for timeline and photographs...SH got after me for getting after BaT, LOL

BaT and I had a talk after session and both just resolve to stick to MB principles and push this R forward. LB, AO, DJ are doing as much damage to M as A and it just has to stop.

TST and Pep's posts yesterday really hit home for me...I may have the RIGHT to be angry and BaT may DESERVE my anger, but how does that help R our M? It doesn't.

This is a long process and I regret that I have spent the last 6 months wallowing in the A rather than focusing on the big picture..R of our M!!!

Day 1...fresh start...

P.S. I want to go to the spa, don't want to leave kids and BaT...I will work on this ASAP...maybe because of who BaT's A was with...or maybe all BS feel this way...just trying to deal with leaving my kids with new nanny....


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