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Joined: Mar 2010
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hi there,
husband of 14 years just confessed 18 mo affair to me 4 wks ago. he loves me and has been repentant and wants to work things out. we are going thru the bk/wkbk "torn asunder" and are in counseling. however, he still loves the other person and still works in the same office tho contact is minimal. we both realize the need for this to change and the other person is frantically trying to find another position w/in this very large corporation where they would not see each other again. i feel frustrated w/ this process. is there any info about if separation would be a good thing until withdrawal has passed or until she is at least out of the picture? i don't feel like i should have to put up w/ this. he is sincere about trying to let go of these feelings and he wants to but we know it takes time. we both hesitate about the separation idea tho b/c we have 3 little kids and it would be very hard on them. any help or insight would be appreciated. also, any ideas on how to accelerate withdrawal?
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 300
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Posts: 300 |
No. You should be with your H! Separation will not lead to R.
Unfortunately, R of your M and your H's withdrawal will not even begin until NC is established. Since he still sees her, his feelings for her are triggered. So, if you want your M to be saved, NC must be established now!
Although I have only been on the MB board for about a year, some of the vets here have commented that the total number of M's that recover while the wayward spouse is still in contact with the affair partner is ZERO.
Welcome to MB, and sorry you are here.
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 300
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Also, since this is still an active affair, I think you might want to move this thread to the Surviving and Affair board, where there is more traffic. Click "Notify" below and ask it to be moved there, where you will get much more support.
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Joined: Mar 2010
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Junior Member
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Is it still considered active? They have not talked in a month but do see each other on occasion in the hall, etc. We are very much in a commited/active recovery phase though I believe NC is essential to moving forward.
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Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
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SR21: Here is the story of my DDay: LG's Dday Since your husband is continuing to work with the OW, the affair will NOT DIE. I left the firm I worked for to get away, and it wasn't enough. Have you talked to manangement at the firm your husband works for to ask for them to be seperated? Have you spoken to the OW's Husband about her involvement with your Husband? You might find out that your Husband isn't just meeting her inadvertantely in the hallway... Your in for a fight. A fight worth fighting. Are you willing? LG
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
we both hesitate about the separation idea tho b/c we have 3 little kids and it would be very hard on them. any help or insight would be appreciated. also, any ideas on how to accelerate withdrawal? shipraider, so sorry you are here. I would strongly advise you to get the book Surviving an Affair. It is, BAR NONE, the best plan for recovery there is. Marriage Builders differs from all the rest in that it creates a romantic relationship in the marriage which is the most thereputic approach in recovery because this fills the GAP caused by the end of the affair. It is also the best prevention of repeat affairs. Unfortunately, withdrawal won't START and recovery won't start until all contact ends. Even working for the same corporation is going to be a problem because everytime they go to meetings together or see each other on work email, they will both be triggered. But if he can get out of that division, it will be a huge start. Just know that he can't withdraw until all contact ends. Is the OW married and if so, does her husband know what has happened? If not, he needs to be told BY YOU so he can protect himself from your husband. Here is what it will take to recover your marriage - it is a very narrow path: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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hi there,
husband of 14 years just confessed 18 mo affair to me 4 wks ago. he loves me and has been repentant and wants to work things out. we are going thru the bk/wkbk "torn asunder" and are in counseling. however, he still loves the other person and still works in the same office tho contact is minimal. we both realize the need for this to change and the other person is frantically trying to find another position w/in this very large corporation where they would not see each other again. i feel frustrated w/ this process. is there any info about if separation would be a good thing until withdrawal has passed or until she is at least out of the picture? i don't feel like i should have to put up w/ this. he is sincere about trying to let go of these feelings and he wants to but we know it takes time. we both hesitate about the separation idea tho b/c we have 3 little kids and it would be very hard on them. any help or insight would be appreciated. also, any ideas on how to accelerate withdrawal? You will not be able to R until NC has been established. And how do you know that OW is "frantically" trying to find another position? Who told you that? The A will continue until one of them leaves that company.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Is it still considered active? They have not talked in a month but do see each other on occasion in the hall, etc. We are very much in a commited/active recovery phase though I believe NC is essential to moving forward. Yes, the affair is active as long as they continue to see each other. He is triggered every day he goes there. All that has happened here is the equivalent of an alcholic changing the names of his drinks to "business drinks." That is cute, but he never recovers, never sobers up. Also, you only have your H's WORD that this is what is going on. Adulterers always lie. You would be the last person to know if they were having sex in the broom closet or the parking garage or going out for nooners. [happens ALL THE TIME with workplace affairs]
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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we both realize the need for this to change and the other person is frantically trying to find another position w/in this very large corporation where they would not see each other again. I missed this part! You are counting on the OW? I would not do this, shipraider. You can't count on her. And how do you even know this is true?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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You won't be able to recover the marriage while the affairees are still working together.
What do you know about the other woman? Have you exposed the affair at their work?
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,965
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Even if your H comes to despise OW you won't feel safe and be able to heal and recover while they are still in contact. It is a death of a thousand cuts.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 130
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No if and's or buts about it. Your H doesn't need to see her or be anywhere near her. There is a saying, "If you want something to die, you have to starve it to death". By him even being in the same building keeps the A fresh and is too tempting for Him. Trust us when we tell you this, it may seem hard, but it's fair. I went through the same thing, my husband was really working at it but still would see OW here and there, he almost relasped. They started back talking via the telephone, but it ended in a week. He may have all the right intentions, but if you play with fire you will get burned.
"Never get in a bed if your name isn't written on it"
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