Hello
I am new to this website, and will try to be brief. My WH had and A with a coworker. It has been going on for a little over a year, we have 2 kids age 2 & 3 yo. I found out only 3 weeks ago. He told me that he loves her but still lovees me too. The OW is also married with 2 kids and has an abusive husband. When I found out about the A, my WH and the OW said she was leaving the state in 2 weeks, as to get away from her husband because of the abuse. Well when the time came to leave she calls by WH and tells him that her husband caught her trying to leave and would not allow her to leave, now she thinks she will have to stay at the same job. Me and my WH are in counseling and trying to work things out, he seems sincere and remorseful about what he did. He is doing everything I ask and we are getting to a better place. We are even making passionate love and that has not happened in years. The problem is that total separation with OW will not work as WH is her boss.He says they will have to have face to face interaction for the job, actually I suprised him for lunch the other day and they were alone together in a cubicle, he says they were just discussing their new work roles. She seemed very nervous and angry and did not look up to even acknowledge me.How do I deal with this situation, how can we recover in a situation like this?

Lisa:

You recover by following Harley's rules. Your first stop is read the link "How to Survive Infidelity," which in the right hand menu.

Then "Basic concepts." I also suggest that you purchase the book, "Surviving An Affair," by Dr. Willard Harley.

I am so sorry you find yourself here. This is the number one recovery from affair site and for good reason. Dr. Harley has literally written the book on recovery. Recovery is a very narrow path to follow. But for those who do walk that narrow path and follow the plan, the recovery rate is very, very high, which contrasts with most Therapists, who mostly act as Divorce Counselors instead of marriage saviors.

Your first action step is going to be to bust up the affair. And that gets into what will happen to your WH (wayward husband) and his job. He and the other woman (OW) have done something that is just too stupid for words and that is have an affair on company time between a supervisor and his direct report. When, not if, the company finds out, he is likely to be fired. I would bet a dollar against a hole in a donut that many people know and that it is just a matter of time before it sees the light of day.

I don't buy the story you have been told about OW and her husband and forcing her to stay. Remember, those who betray are most often hooked on the affair just like hooked on drugs and they will lie at the drop of hat to protect the affair.

Larry

So should I tell my WH husbands supervisor? I am also scared that he will lose his job and we need his job for our financial stability

Lisa- I am sorry that you find yourself here, but saying that WELCOME.

There are many people who are going to tell you to do certain things that are going to scare you and you won't listen to at first but you should try to understand what they are saying.

You have an opportunity here to try to RECOVER your MARRIAGE. It's a SMALL window of opportunity so take the steps to recover now.

You will have to read a lot on here, but by the fact that you have already started using the correct terminology, I assume you have already been reading. That's good.

Post on here and get all of the help you can for your sitch.

The way to put the very most pressure on the Affair, and as long as they still see each other, the affair continues and there will be no recovery, is exposure.

Get the book mentioned above and read it cover to cover as quickly as possible. Read as many posts here as you can. Focus on Exposure and No Contact...as these two things really need to take place for recovery to have much of a chance.

Exposure should be done without warning to anyone, and should be done as quickly as possible...maybe in one day. Exposure targets are your immediate closed circle of family and friends who can positively impact your efforts to save your marriage. Exposure should also take place to their bosses in the workplace, the OW's husband (critical), parents, siblings and others who can impact HIS life.

Exposure is not done as an avenging event, it is done out of love, and the desire to save your marriage. People you expose to should hear you speaking in a calm and loving voice when you out the affair, and ask for their support and help in saving your marriage.

You can think of a bunch of reasons NOT to expose, but people who have not exposed have far less success in breaking up the affair, achieving No Contact and getting to recovery.

Get the book! Keep posting! You have the support here to assist you along the rocky path to "surviving an affair".

It sounds as if you have already been reading. And yes, you will have to expose the affair and not only to your husband's supervisor. Exposing an affair to the light of day is the very best way, almost the only way, to stop it. And you cannot begin the recovery of your marriage until the affair is stopped, period, end of sentence.

Do you work?
Do you have the courage to do what is right for the sake of your kids and yourself?
Larry

And, for the record, people in affairs lie about everything, just as an addict would lie to get the next fix.

The "abusive husband" story, leaving the state, and all that is probably a lie to convince you the poor girl needs her job and no contact is just going to have to wait. Boo hoo! Not your problem. Talk in person to her hubby and get the truth. Do not believe a word either affair partner says, because if their lips are moving, they are lying. It's part of the package.

I am just concerned with the financial issues with full exposure as there are not a lot of jobs now, and we cannot pay our bills without his income. Is there any other way? My husband says he is stong enough to have a stricyly professional relationship with her now and says he is taking steps to get transferred, but he says that will all take time, meanwhile I am getting very uncomfortable with this situation like it is.

Also I do not want my WH to be upset with me and we are in a good place. He is really trying to be open and honest and is even seeing his own counselor. I also don't want to be a doormat. I am so confused on what to do

Your WH isn't "strong" enough. He had weak boundaries in the first place which led to an affair with OW and now he is torturing you by still working with her.

Can you live off of what you would get when he leaves you? What will your finances be like then? If you don't take the appropriate actions now to try to END the A, then that will become your reality. Think about that for a while.

There are many people who have been where you are now and some of them didn't expose. I NEVER have heard anyone who exposed say that they regret it. I only hear people that they didn't expose, or exposed too late say that they regret THAT.

It is going to be rough. Your WH IS going to be ANGRY. He may even lose his job, but HE should have thought about that BEFORE he decided to commit adultery.

Should I share this with my huband?

You should not trust your WH. Think of him as an alien that is trying to do things to destroy your M. Would you tell an enemy your plans for battle ahead of time?

Hi Lisa.

Workplace adultery really sucks. There is no easy solution.

Unfortunately if they continue contact it will not end. Your marriage cannot survive continued contact. Period.

Your husband is not strong enough. No wayward is.

My WxW conducted a workplace adultery with a married co-worker too. They did not work in the same building and for the most part were 60 miles apart.

I exposed to all and for 21 days she went through a pathetic withdrawal from her �soul mate and confidant�. Barf. She pledged she would get a new job but dragged her feet. I was the one job hunting for her as she could never quite get around to it. She said that until she found another job, if there ever was contact that she could be professional and handle it too.

Then a meeting was called at her building and OM was there. She came home that night a total fog bank. A week later she left. Two weeks later she filed for divorce.

Both marriages (mine was 26 years OM�s was 15 years) were destroyed. My DD (then 18) was devastated and even now at 22 still struggles terribly with it. The OM had a son (then 2) who now is just another sorry broken home custody statistic.

If you want to know what real financial strain and loss is, try a divorce.

They now live together.

No contact for life is your only answer.

Oh, and I don�t by the abusive OWH either. If this guy is so scary and dangerous why would this dumb slut get into an adulterous relationship for over a year? Doesn�t add up does it?

Don't let fear dictate what you must do.

The thing is my husband says he never had any intention of leaving me for her. He does not want to leave our kids. Even when I was talking divorce and he was so sad and begging saying he wanted to raise our kids as a family. He also says that my lack of intimacy was his big problem and now we are making passionate love all the time, he also has absolutely no time to be with her now. I cut off the prior opportunity that he did have.

I am sure that my WH had no intention of leaving me until I told him that he couldn't be with both POSOW and ME. He now lives with POSOW and has very little contact with our children. That kills me, but it is better than the alternative.

See, I knew about a possible affair for 2 years before I was lucky enough to find this site. I didn't have a plan and now I see that a lot of what I did was WRONG. Now I have a PLAN and I am doing my best to get personal recovery. Will my MARRIAGE recover? I don't know. Will I be okay? YOU BETCHA. How? By following the MB concepts and program.

So first thing you have to do is expose.

Look up the definition of "Gas Lighting" on the web. It is a common method that waywards use to control their spouse and the whole thing is an undignified assault on your ability to think for yourself.

Larry

Get your dignity back.

1. Tell him to find another job, right now, even if he has to take a pay cut.
2. Expose but don't tell him in advance.
3. Get yourself checked for SDs.

Those in an affair are like druggies and drunks, not to be trusted. You can get your old (new?) husband back if you take the right steps. And not a chance if you don't have a plan and follow the plan.

Larry

I am also confused about the OP thing, I thought that if the WS moved in with the OP that the affair would end very soon, but you all make it seem that the relationships have lasted. So how is this an addiction and not just someone finding a better life partner? I am so confused because every situation is so different, but it is allways the same response to all. How can that be?

Couple of things:

First of all, if the WS moves in with the OP, it may take a bit of time before reality hits. They do not all end right way. The long term success rate approaches 2 percent 2%.

Affairs are NOT complicated. There is a bunch of stuff that is common to all. Thus, a common approach that works. You do want something that works, right?

Affairs are on complicated for YOU, because you have had no need to educate yourself until now. Once you become learned enough, you will see why I say they are not complicated at all, and most all of them can be handled with common tools.

Mel has most of the commonly needed quotations at her fingertips and if she notices this thread, will show up and provide the right quotation and explanation directly from Dr. Harley.

Larry

It's an addiction because he is being controlled by a chemical in his brain.

FInding a better life partner? He picked YOU, didn't he? He's having an affair with HER because he would NEVER marry her.