I dont think you did anything wrong necessarily.
Its a process and sometimes it takes a while for the results to show.

The only thing I would have you re-evaluate is where you lump in plan B and D together.
IMO part of the reason MB works specifically Plan A is cause inspite of the pain and devasatation there is a message communicated to the WS that there is hope that the M can be salvaged. Plan A -LB's and DJ'd sends an unwavering message of hope to a WS even when you cant see it.
When you talk about moving towards plan B and D at the same time it sort of takes away from that unvawering hope and gives the WS re-enforcemnet that the choice they are making is best for them cause the BS will leave them anyway even if they give up OW and perhaps they will end up with neither in their hand. Sort of like bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush.

I am sure pre A you envisioned like most NORMAL people that if your spouse ever cheated youd be out the door and yet here you are doing what might see un-natural to some one who has not been in the shoes of a BS. I think most WS's cling to OP cause they are unable to accept that the BS is REALLY willing and able to move past and A.



There is no guilt or blame.
This is a tough road with a lot of uphill battles. The able bodied person you are pulling along is taking so much of your strenght that you just want to dump them over the side and trudge along by yourself. Especially since the whole point of the journey was that the 2 of you would be hauling this beautiful wagon together.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to pull them along and letting everyone pull their own wagon.
Its not possible to pull along an unwilling partner for long.

As long as you know you did EVERYTHING you were willing and able to do for the R of this M, there will be no guilt and you should be at peace with what ever the outcome. Sadness if its not the desired outcome and yet peace beacuse there is nothing more you could have done.

I move in this direction mainly because I really really do not know what else to do. I know every one here has said I don't have to sign. But even my lawyer has asked why drag it out at this point. He will simply file for divorce. Now I am just trying to protect assets and my own sanity.
I am secretly hoping that the A will crumble, although it does not seem to be showing signs of that yet. He just continues to make promises and reassurances to her that cannot possibly work out in the time frame they are thinking.
Both OWH and myself think we are going insane, but then we seem to live in a different world than they do.
So again, I am lost at this time as to what to continue to do other than go forward with the formal separation agreement which in my opinion he will then instantly file into dissolution.
I am moving and going dark for my own sanity. The two just seem to be happening at the same time.
A quote from WH sister "It doesn't matter who or what tries to convince him he is making a mistake, he seems confident in his decision. And if or when it blows up in his face, if you are there, I feel he will blame you."

IGNORE THE NOISES OUT THERE AND FOLLOW THE MB PLAN.

Step 1) Plan A for a short amount of time - check done that

Step 2) Plan B - starts now





WHEN he files for divorce send it back saying you dont accept.
Feel free to talk to your lawer with the intent of gathering all the info you need in oder to delay the D as long as possible and make sure you are not sacrificing any of your rights in doing so.


If you want a M and then take stpes towards that

If you want a D then take steps towards that.

DONT LET YOUR STEPS BE DECIDED BY THE MOVES YOUR ALIEN WH TAKES.

MM



You-Don't allow the cake eaters to continue without some type of distrubance to their Fog babbeled fantasy world. Thats what this is all about. Breaking up their fantasy world and making them very uncomfortable with "their" behavior in the eyes of everyone around them.

Don't make it easy for them to continue on.

You have had great intel with the OMH so why not use it to your advantage?

I know you can't answer for the OWH but is he doing anything to bust up the A? Or is he watching a train wreck in slow motion wishing He could do something?

Wishing is not a plan.

Nesre

He is watching the train wreck wishing he could do something. He is moving forward toward divorce.
Every time we make a move to make it harder on them - they pull closer together with the common thread that I am the evil wife.
I am out of ideas?????

MYMISSY-take solace in these stats. DrH says himself that Plan A alone only works about 15% of the time. That means that 85% of the people who implement Plan A will also have to implement Plan B. That does NOT in any way say that you are failure. In the contrary, it says you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing.

As far as your lawyer and what he tells you to do, ask him if that is his LEGAL advice because I believe that is all you are paying him for not his morals and values advice.

It really doesn't matter what OWH is doing. In my case, POSOW is SINGLE. She prides herself on the fact that she never dated anyone for more than 2 years. That means NOTHING to me.

Your WH and OW are lying to eachother, OF COURSE. Of course they will made giant claims to eachother. IT IS FANTASYLAND. The REALITY of A is that about 1.5 % of them will be happily M after 5 years. Your chances are 50-50. Who wouldn't take those odds. I can't remember who got remarried on these boards(I think it was Lil and Flick) but anything is possible.

Just stick with YOUR plan and do the best you can. You have done more than most BS's and some people would say you have done more than you should.

MM

Is there any way you can tie everything up?

Finances-legals-place to live-lock WW out of the house b-4 he returns at the end of this week and give him the PLB letter with his suitcase ?

Yes it may push the WW's together-
TOGETHER INTO AN UNREALISTIC FANTASY WORLD WHERE REAL LIFE PROBLEMS WILL BE THERE TO SOLVE-

HMMM...KINDA LIKE BEING MARRIED.

WOULDN'T THIS CREATE A HUGE PROBLEMS WITH OWH AND HIS WW???

If he also locks her out what kind of problems would that bring to the A?
I thought you said Ow has young children. Could OWH tie this up in court? Children are a drag on A's. If she is any kind of mother wouldn't she want those children? Might be a huge pressure point to consider.

DESTROY THE FANTASY OR IT WILL CONTINUE ON.

I know this pushes your PLB plan. I see this as an excellant opportunity to SHAKE UP THEIR WORLDS.

Nesre

OWH is trying to push her out the door, he is also going to stop allowing her to go out all night while he sits at home and watches children.
As far as me, I have signed a lease and have about half the house packed, so I am moving. However, I plan on tying up the divorce for a while. So for right now the dreams they keep telling each other are not going to happen.
I don't think I can legally lock him out of the house? And he just won't go away or stay at his parents. He stays here and pretends I am invisible. As I pretend he is invisible. There is no communication between us.
I think pushing them together would be the wake up needed, just not sure how to get there - legally.

Thanks Scotland and Pep,
I doubt and feel like I am second guessing EVERY decision I have made so far. But I keep trying to put one foot in front of the other and now just want to minimize the damage to myself.
The whole thing is so hard, I keep reading threads hoping for a miracle that has happened for someone else, but I see the same situation as my own. Over and over again, it all sounds like the same story, the names, dates, and details differ; but not the core of the story.

Maybe I am wrong since I haven't done it yet but isn't
Legal Separation virtually the same in protecting your finances to Divorce with the exception that you are still legally married to the other person?

If you feel compelled to file for something, why not legal separation?

And, do not listen to the lawyer about going ahead with divorce because they are mostly de-sensitized to the situation with handling so many.

Well, WH is back from out of town and seeing OW. I don't understand why he attempts to initiate conversation with me one minute and then I get the cold shoulder the next. I simply am unable to respond - its easier to pretend he is invisible.
I have 1.5 weeks before I can move, I have definitely waited to long to go to Plan B.

I cannot look him in the eye, all I see now is a ghost of who I knew and big pile of lying, steamy sh*t. He is starting to show signs of the stress around his eyes and is looking like he has aged 5 years in 3 months. He is also going through nyquil like it is a daily cordial. That is only the little bit I see, no idea what I am not seeing. How sad to have done this to your life and the lives of everyone involved for his own selfishness.

I am sad coming to this realization, yet there is this little
tiny part of me that continues to hold out hope that he will come out of this fog before we are divorced. But I don't think that will happen. I believe he will take this all the way to try and prove that he isn't making a mistake. That is probably when the crash will happen.
I am hoping to be working on my own personal recovery then.

I have received a bit of questionable bad news; I am a thyroid cancer survivor and after 2.5 yrs have had an ultrasound come back with questionable lymph nodes and now have to do the radioactive iodine scans. I am hoping the lymph nodes are questionable due to stress and not any metastasis.

I could use a prayer and string of good thoughts.
Thanks MB community for giving me a place to learn and vent and find some measure of solace.

Stress will make you ill, stress will make you sick, stress will kill you.

Breathe, take care of your own health. Your H is in a fog. Turn him over to God because you cannot take care of him.

Your own health should be your own concern right now. I cannot tell you about how many stories I have read here when the A starts the BS gets sick or goes out of remission.

My prayers are with you. Have faith in yourself. take care.

Thanks for the prayers, they are much appreciated.

I am still struggling with how emotionally distant WH continues to become. I still don't understand how the person who claimed to love you and be your best friend can so callously ignore and disregard you so quickly.

Can this be explained, do the Waywards reap what they sow?

Refocus your energies on taking care of yourself and let the rest go.



EVERYONE reaps what they sow. Thats what Karma is all about.

MM

Happy to see you post again. Sad to hear your news. I will keep you in my prayers that God will deliver good results.

Knowing how typical WW's act really is the only way we as BS's are able to follow the MB's plans. MB's plan A/B PROTECT US-from the twisted thinking that goes along with A's. Sometimes A,B,D work to end the A and R the M. Sometimes nothing will and the M wont be recovered.

Knowing exactly what a WW is thinking is about the same as asking a true alcoholic what they are thinking when they go on a long binge or when intoxicated. You'll get a lot of excuses, rationalizations, and self justification that more than likely wont make sense in most peoples world. Especially if a past history of consequensces is known.

Until true recovery is sought by a WW the same is virtually true. None of it will make sense.

Really focus on yourself. Make sure to take care of yourself. You are really the only one you can
control in this situation.. A really good thread entitled "Inside the WW's Mind was bumped up to the top today and really puts together the thoughts of a TYPICAL WW. Might be worth a read if you already havent read it.

Again-I will keep you in my prayers

Nesre

Thank you so much Nesre for the prayers, they are much appreciated.

I am now just looking forward to moving. I need different walls, a nest with no reminders, and not having to worry where WH is, what he is doing in the bathroom, what he is texting to OW, or when is he getting home.
The keylog I installed on 2nd laptop has proved worth the price???? I know have the passwords I have wanted and am able to read. How hurtful it all is. I really now understand the need for a short plan A and then plan B. I have waited to long for plan B and the bank is running on red.
I am moving forward to plan D.

I did read "inside the waywards mind" and understand what and why they say what they say. But unfortunately now I am looking out for myself and need to not look at the very mean and cruel person I am currently married to.
I am better than that and deserve better than that.
Now I just peace and no more drama - however, I am going with half. I will not roll over and play dead.
His latest stunt was to hang OW picture on the wall in the upstairs bedroom where he sleeps. I refuse to acknowledge it, I know he is just trying to wear me down.

I would cover the photo of the hag with a gigantic poster of JESUS.

Good one Holy Heart



I don't know if I could do that one.

I think I would have the movie poster from Dumb And Dumber and hang his and WW's both up right over the stars of the movie on the poster.

Nesre