Today is a very bad day for me and I don't know why. I have been nervous and shaking all day long, I feel like I can throw up everything that I have eaten, and I have had to resist ALL DAY from texting him incessantly or emailing him non-stop. Every corner I turned after leaving school today I came across another fire truck from his department. I am sure that I passed by him one or two times today depending on which apparatus he is on today.

I have a horrible headache tonight. How do you deal with this situation? There is one person, a neighbor, that I have not said anything to about what is going on. She is the one I said something about earlier making me upset with a situation with my son. She had asked if everything was OK with WH and myself because she has had several people that she knows that recently have divorced without working on the M. My reasons for not exposing to her are as follows:
1. I am still upset at what she did to DS.
2. She is pretty much a nosy gossip and not sure truly cares about anyone.
3. She is a fare-weather friend who usually only contacts me when she needs something.
4. Her kids can be mean and nasty to DS without a reason and I truly think that they would be even nastier to DS if they knew about things.

I feel that I am protecting DS by not saying anything to her. DS (and DD) are both suffering enough as it is and the last thing they need are these mean and nasty kids making things harder on them when I want to work on things and the kids want things to work out.

P.S. He did call his mother last night. 90% sure it was for her B-day, but the conversation lasted over 35 minutes and he called her. Hope MIL calls me tonight about their conversation or at least to tell me that she did talk to him.

YIKES!!! Web-cam, internet dating site, chatting with women????? What do you think all of THAT is about?

Partially, I think there was a lot of things going on when he finally got (what he would consider) a real job/career. He went through 5 years of constant rejection by fire departments, over and over and over... I think he suffered from some depression through all these years and never viewed the jobs that he did have as good, real, manly jobs. I know that he did stop that stuff for a long time after I confronted him, not by what he said, but by the things he did (not spending excessive time on the computer by himself in the bedroom, etc.). It took him months before he noticed the web cam was gone also.

This episode happened after her got his job at the fire station and he was the oldest in his recruit class and his nickname was grandpa. We talked about a lot of things right after that. I then got frustrated a lot while I was going to school, working, etc., etc., etc. and withdrew a little bit from him again.

What kind of man is this?

You expose to people you feel will have some influence to put pressure on the A. It doesn't sound like this woman is the right person to rely on. If she was his mother I'd say tell her anyway just so she knows, but hey, she's practically a stranger. (She sounds pretty strange. )

Go very easy on yourself tonight. Give yourself a break from Plan A unless he calls, and simply avoid lovebusters. Sleep well, and resume in the morning.


This is the first person I'd suspect, unless you have it ironclad that she's still living at home with her H, and your WH is 100% living with his OW.

Your theory about the hospital could be possible, too. And perhaps he quit his part-time jobs so no one would suspect he was having an A with one of the people there.

The online theory is possible, and has certainly happened before, but I just have the feeling he picked up this OW a bit closer to home: someone that he came to know personally in his own activities, and perhaps even someone you know.

Occasionally a WS will withhold the identity of the OP, and there's almost always more of a reason than just a generic urge for secrecy. For example the one poster that was on here just a little bit ago that first didn't want to tell her BH anything, then the last I heard she was planning to tell him she'd had an A but not tell him who. It was because the OM and his BW were good "friends" of theirs, and they had a business together. She was secretive to protect herself, (and the chance of continuing the A, too, even though she was never willing to admit that).

Keep it up, and you'll get to the bottom.

Honestly, I believe he is a man that has gotten lost and maybe going through mid-life crisis with this major change in his life. He has always been a worker and a blue collar worker. He got a career that he wanted (and I kept encouraging him to get) and started working with a bunch of 21 year old guys (most of whom aren't married and are constantly going out and doing whatever they want, when they want).

He has started demonstrating some different behaviors with us since all of this started, in a positive way. He comes around more frequently, he spends more time with the kids, he talks more to me, he actually responds to my emails and texts when I send them with more than one word or letter, he talks longer on the phone, and his whole demeanor is different.

The web-cam, internet dating sites, and chatting with women is very worrisome. It is so easy to find anonymous admiration on the internet.

By the way, how old is he? How long working for the FD? I'm sure you know that FD & PD people have lots of problems with infidelity. It is the nature of their jobs - many crises, being in peoples' homes, hero- worshiping, the odd hours, general acceptance in the culture of their jobs.

Most men need lots of admiration, so concentrate on that. And keep trying to get info. A GPS in his car is your best bet.

I've always wanted to buy one, just to have it to lend to people on MB. When my WH was having his affair, money was a problem, and I drove myself crazy trying to find out the truth.

Yes, I do know that she is at home with her H and kids. If it is someone that he did not meet on the computer, I would say it would be someone from the hospital. He didn't quit the PT job, really, he was an EMT at all the racing events and when they were over, he didn't get any requests to work until race season starts again.

Neither one of us really have any recreational activities or particularly good friends. We have just always worked really hard. I can't imagine that it would be anyone from church, because most of the people there kind of annoy him.

He is 36yo just like me and we have been married for 16 years. I know very well about the infidelity thing with FD and PD. I watched and listened to all the problems with those jobs after 9/11 and all the people that left spouses that got left because of people that were rescued by the FD or PD.

I am concentrating on the admiration aspect. I think I am going to ask my mom to see if she will pay for the credit report (even if I pay her back) because I don't want him to see it come out of the account. I am working on the cell phone/GPS thing for this weekend or early next week when I see him to put in his truck. Yeah, it would be nice to have a GPS to pass around to others as they go through this bad experience.

You can get a free credit report once a year by going to annualcreditreport.com.

Sisterhood of the Traveling GPS

I LOVE IT!!

Seriously, Neak, I wanna get one. I have to study up. From time to time, I've read reviews here of the different types. I want one that you can put in a car, or attach under a bumper, and then it sends realtime reports of where the car is, where it stops.

When I was trying to find out if my WH was cheating, I bet a spent enough in gas to buy one, and it went on for months and months. So unsettling!

I don't know how lending it out would work - because you might send it out and never get it back. THAT is the problem.

I'm with ya! I know what you mean about the worry of not getting it back, though - it wouldn't even necessarily be from any wrong intent, just maybe slipping through the cracks in all the insanity of Plan A, PB, and R. (Or a naughty WS finding and destroying it.)

It would be nice if we could find something cheap enough that it wouldn't be prohibitive to lose, kinda like Gladware. (Loved those commercials of the moms chaining their tupperware to the children!)

Interesting facts about today...DS and DD had appointments with counselor today and WH was taking them. Originally, I had stated that I would meet him over there thinking that way he didn't have to bring them all the way back home and if C wanted to talk to us about anything we would both be there. WH said that he would just bring the kids home to me after they were done. Usually, sessions last 30 minutes each for the kids. DS called me around 7:20pm and stated that daddy went into the room (with the door closed) to talk with C. After they got home and WH left for the evening, DS told me that daddy was talking with the C for over 20 minutes.

I talked with the kids about their sessions and there was nothing really discussed with the kids that she would have been talking to him about for 20 minutes, and when she has talked with me after the kids sessions, we have never gone back into her room with the door shut and just for a few minutes. Maybe he had an appointment for himself to talk with her. (No expectations, just considering that it could possible be a good thing. She is the same counselor that I go to and I told her from the start that I had no problem with anything that I have said him knowing.)

DS came down with the flu about 4am this morning. Had to clean up the mess, get him tylenol and sprite, and try to get him back to bed. Finally did about an hour later and he slept until I woke him up. At 4am, thought it might just be a migraine, but after he took his shower and had some other issues (WH least favorite word) I called my mom to have him spend the day with him instead of sending him to school. He even said he didn't care that he was missing wiffle ball or his band try-outs, big sign that he was sick!!!

DS was talking with my mother yesterday when he was at home sick. He told my mother when they were talking about WH that since WH has been coming back around and spending more time at our house with them he told them that he wants to come back home or something along those lines. By the time my mom called me, she couldn't remember the exact wording he used, but when he told her, the first thing she thought was why would he say that to DS if he was certain that he was not ever coming back home.

No expectations, but I did find the conversation interesting and it didn't happen until recently (within the last two weeks).

My dear, you keep saying "no expectations" while you are in the midst of spending time thinking about what each of hubby's smallest actions might mean.

Just a warning that it is better to concentrate on working on YOU (and exposure). Hopes constantly being dashed is a real love killer.

My ex got up in front of our church and asked for prayers for our reconciliation. That same night I caught him in bed with the OW.

Agree with B - focus on the big picture. Every reaction he has, whether it seems good or bad at the time, is a sign that your plan is working.

That's why you need to press forward and complete it: expose to OW's family, finish up Plan A, go to Plan B.

Making those 3 things happen needs to be your priority.

I won't be around tomorrow - gotta go play for a whole bunch of kids at a music/competition thingy. My older 2 are in it, singing, which will be good, and playing trombone and flute, well hey, they've only been playing for maybe 2 months now.

Hope your poor kiddo feels better soon.

Just checking in - how are ya?

Honestly, it was an awful weekend for me. I felt like my son did not have a very good birthday weekend. Saturday evening after we had his neighborhood friends over to celebrate, I got upset with him because he then ran off without his cell phone and I was having to chase him down. We both started crying and blaming ourselves for what was going on. After I got him into bed and we were saying prayers, he said the only present that he wanted was for daddy to come home. I told him that he needed to have that discussion with him when they are driving home from the birthday party on Sunday evening.

At church on Sunday, we learned that our pastor was going to be retiring from our church. He will be there only two more weeks. Our children asked me why daddy did not come to church any more. I told them both that they needed to discuss this with daddy because I have an idea of why he doesn't go, but only he could tell them. I shared that our pastor was leaving the church with WH and he was asking why. I told him that he did not feel like he could grow the church as the leader of it. We had a discussion about this when he was here at the house for DS's other birthday party with his friends from school. WH came and had pizza and cookie cake with us and then he took the boys to play laser tag. When they got home from laser tag, he came in and helped put DS and DD to bed.

WH was feeling sick and achy. I offered to get him out his medicine that he likes to take and usually makes him feel better. He took it with him when he left. I walked out to the truck with him to say good bye. I went in and talked with DS and to say his "special prayer" if he wanted to. DS said that he talked to WH about wanting him home as his only birthday present and DS said that daddy said that it probably wouldn't happen for his birthday. Well, obviously today is his birthday and WH is not home.

WH was supposed to be at the station today, but called in sick (not something he normally does, but there are certain things that you can't take care of if your on a run). DS got sick in the middle of the night again and woke up with a stomach ache and needing to go in and out of the bathroom. So DS spent his birthday at my mother's house sick. I had told WH that I would let him know about the kids (DD had been sick all weekend with restroom issues- however, going to the bathroom is always a sign of not feeling good because we deal with severe constipation issues with her and she only goes 1 or 2 times a week clogging every toilet in the house when she does go). Questioned whether she would go to school or not, but she did go and stayed all day.

So...to recap, everyone, but me, is sick at this point. Praying that I don't get sick until at least Saturday (which means I miss my paid job, but make every day of student teaching). I feel like the whole birthday for DS has been a disaster. Nice interaction with WH during Sunday evening birthday party.