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Her adultery choice gnaws her conscience!
Miss SC~~~>  <~~~ Old Pepster
Ignore SC. She's really up herself, I always think.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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[quote=Pepperband]NOT the "run-of-the-mill" WW
5. "Follow your heart" IS her compass in life. Oh, this whole post is getting to me. My WH's OW (who was also a WW) is #2. I know from what WH has told me that OW tells him to follow his heart and not to listen to people whose opinions are biased against her (which is everyone I think). WH says to me that he "thinks" he loves OW so he has to go try it with her, that he owes her something. As if he doesn't love me and owe me and his two children something? He thinks he is leaving us for "true love".
Me = BW
Dday = 12/1/09
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But, in my opinion, an enabling friend is not the primary reason someone permits themselves to cheat. Agree. IMHO, it's not so much about friends that are enabling or bad people. From what I've noticed, most people tend to play "fast and loose" with other people's lives. Not neccessarily out of any evil character, but that they expect you will have and enforce your own boundaries. It is much like when a friend encourages you to stay and have one more drink at a bar. They aren't trying to get you a DUI, they just assume you will have the fortitude to quit when you need to quit. I also think many people have wrongfully assumed that being a friend means "supporting" whatever decision another person wants to make, regardless of how stupid they think it is.
Me 43 BH
MT 43 WW
Married 20 years, No Kids, 2 Difficult Cats
D-day July, 2005
4.5 False Recoveries
Me - recovered
The M - recovered
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In my opinion, an enabling friend provides additional justification/rationalization to do the wrong thing , to commit adultery, to break their spouse's heart ...
But, in my opinion, an enabling friend is not the primary reason someone permits themselves to cheat.
While the enabling friend may not be the primary reason, in both cases (with my WW and xGF), neither cheated � even though they may have wanted to � until they started spending more and more time with the enabling friend. Could the enabling friend be just that little bit of extra support they need to push them over the edge to betrayal?
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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Oh, this whole post is getting to me. My WH's OW (who was also a WW) is #2. I know from what WH has told me that OW tells him to follow his heart and not to listen to people whose opinions are biased against her (which is everyone I think). WH says to me that he "thinks" he loves OW so he has to go try it with her, that he owes her something. As if he doesn't love me and owe me and his two children something? He thinks he is leaving us for "true love".
A life compass
and
An adultery compass
If a wayward has a "follow your heart" compass DURING an affair, ... it's just your standard adultery bullchit. (part of the fog)
What I was talking about is a person (an adult person) who lives by "follow your heart" .... even when not in an adulterous affair.
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Could the enabling friend be just that little bit of extra support they need to push them over the edge to betrayal?
The same person will reject friends/opinions that advise them NOT to cheat.
It is 100% the cheaters choice of listening to adultery-enabling friends.
Not the other way around.
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I also think many people have wrongfully assumed that being a friend means "supporting" whatever decision another person wants to make, regardless of how stupid they think it is.
People have been told it's wrong to make judgments about others.
Last edited by Pepperband; 03/17/10 01:25 PM. Reason: add a thought
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Could the enabling friend be just that little bit of extra support they need to push them over the edge to betrayal?
The same person will reject friends/opinions that advise them NOT to cheat.
It is 100% the cheaters choice of listening to adultery-enabling friends.
Not the other way around.
I think it goes both ways. When I was suffering from my ex-wife's affair, I was glad my best friend was there for me. But I also let him and his wife know that if he ever did this sort of thing to her, I would not go easy on him. Friends don't just go along. You either convince your wayward friend to change, or your change the nature of your relationship with the wayward. If my best friend became a wayward, I'd try to talk him out of it. Should he choose the affair over the values we both grew up to embrace, I'd tell him that I'll be there when he ends the affair, but I cannot be close friends with someone who would do this to his family. That's what being a friend is all about. Not just going along to have a friend. But NOT going along when your friend is obviously harming those around him.
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T� an l� �lainn Gaeilge, mo chairde. Something about a beautiful Irish day or whatever. Irish is tough. It also might be a "Beautiful Irish girl drinking beer, my friend."  Mr. Rogers wants to know. Larry
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FWIW, today is my best friends B-day, and of course, his first name is Patrick. Last name is Irish, but withheld to protect the innocent.
I don't know much about Gaelic though.
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That's what being a friend is all about. Not just going along to have a friend. But NOT going along when your friend is obviously harming those around him. There's a song lyric by the group Plants and Animals that goes: "It takes a good friend to say you've got your head up your *ss" I love that idea of friendship. Unfortunately, it seems like my WW's oldest and dearest "friends" are more of the, "I'll support you whatever decision you make" types. They don't realize the wayward is acting completely irrationally, or are too afraid to lose them as friends by telling them they will not support their wrongful actions. Would these "friends" support them if they were destroying their family by using heroin or cocaine? No. But for some reason, it's okay to support someone while they destroy their family with adultery, because the wayward tells them they've been unhappy for so long.
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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They don't believe she is destroying her family.
In most places, she'll get the house and the kids. Dad really isn't considered part of the family. Most times, dad is considered a problem (not true, but that's the cultural bias.)
So few would really consider a WW's actions as destructive to the family. She'll take the family with her and probably even get money from the dad every month.
But if HE has an affair, HE's destroying the family.
Double standard.
None of the guys I know would sit idly by while a friend of theirs had an affair. That's the kind of men with which we associate.
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Unfortunately, it seems like my WW's oldest and dearest "friends" are more of the, "I'll support you whatever decision you make" types.
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So few would really consider a WW's actions as destructive to the family. She'll take the family with her and probably even get money from the dad every month.
But if HE has an affair, HE's destroying the family.
Double standard.
PLEASE, start your own thread if you want to discuss this particular topic.
Last edited by Pepperband; 03/17/10 02:03 PM.
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Could the enabling friend be just that little bit of extra support they need to push them over the edge to betrayal?
The same person will reject friends/opinions that advise them NOT to cheat.
It is 100% the cheaters choice of listening to adultery-enabling friends.
Not the other way around.
Agree again. I think what you are describing is that it's not so much what is actually being said to the WS, as it is what the WS is hearing.
Me 43 BH
MT 43 WW
Married 20 years, No Kids, 2 Difficult Cats
D-day July, 2005
4.5 False Recoveries
Me - recovered
The M - recovered
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PLEASE, start your own thread if you want to discuss this particular topic.[/font] Sorry, Pep. Turning out to be a bigger issue than I thought. Will start it as a new thread.
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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So few would really consider a WW's actions as destructive to the family. She'll take the family with her and probably even get money from the dad every month.
But if HE has an affair, HE's destroying the family.
Double standard.
PLEASE, start your own thread if you want to discuss this particular topic.Well, if her friends are going along, their actions indicate they don't believe she is destroying her family. Or to give some benefit of the doubt, they've not considered that aspect. I'm not saying the collection of folks here would agree with such an assertion. But the Oprahfied, Cozmo addicted folks cheering on Brad and Angelina probably don't see such an action as the destruction of a family. And I'm afraid those folks way outnumber the MB crowd. We are our own micro-climate for the family and marriage here, lest we forget.
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Sorry, Pep. Turning out to be a bigger issue than I thought. Will start it as a new thread. 
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What I was talking about is a person (an adult person) who lives by "follow your heart" .... even when not in an adulterous affair.[/font] Yep, which is why I pointed out Opt's WW. She touting this silly nonsense even though she's not currently in an "active" affair. This is some good stuff. It reminds me of when H was in his affair and he was spouting this kind of nonsense. He told DD16 (she was 14 at the time) that when somebody loves someone they would do WHATEVER they could to make the other person happy. When she related this story to me, she finished by telling me, "Mom, if he really believes that then he must not love me because him doing this to US does NOT make me happy.....".....  Ya know, I'm on spring break this week and it would make me very happy to NOT do any laundry......
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Pep, I started the Enabling Friend discussion as its own thread. Please post there.
As far as the "follow your heart" thinking goes, my WW just said this weekend that she has the right to change her mind. And she CHANGED HER MIND about being married to me.
I said, "You can't just CHANGE YOUR MIND. You got up on an alter and made vows before God and before all our families and friends. I wouldn't have had kids with you if you were just going to change your mind. Where and when did you reserve the right to CHANGE YOUR MIND?"
She knows she's acting crazy. I've got to believe that deep down inside she knows.
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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