Well, I did it. WW was served with divorce papers.

This is a brief recap of the last 21 months of hell I call my life:

June '08 I found out wife was involved with OM. She denied PA but admitted to falling in love with him. Evidence points to a PA.

She filed for D. After 6 weeks I convinced her to drop and work on us. I missed her EN's for years but learned and we were doing really good after 5 months.

Feb '09 she started up daily conversations with a friend of mine on good ol Facebook. OM #2 After a month, she drove an hour to meet him for lunch where he asked her to have a PA with him. He is married. She never mentioned she was in contact with him, hid the chats, e-mails and never told me about the lunch. I had EP's in place and knew everything. I confronted her. She cried, begged me not to divorce her, etc, etc. After an hour, she was able to spin things in her mind and I was the bad guy.

I kept on trying to forgive, forget and recover.

April '09 she is using Facebook to keep track of OM #1's live. I caught her and called her on that.

June '09 we have a fight and she finds a previous high school sweetheart on...... you guessed it....Facebook. OM #3...They chat it up all hot and steamy. Then she bought a Tracphone so she can call him without it showing up on the bill. We agreed to work on us. She told me she threw the phone away.

I kept on trying to forgive, forget and recover.

November '09 things just didn't seem right. She'd say she was doing one thing but the times she'd leave and get home just didn't match. I did what I had to do and found out she was still calling the high school sweetheart. She begged, cried again for me not to divorce her. Of course, once she was able to spin this in her mind, I am the bad guy.

Since November, I have been on the receiving end of the silent treatment. This has been her M.O. for years. I continued to see an MC who basically said divorce her. She has issues. Our problem is NOT our marriage. We work great together with kids, chores, finances and so on. The issue is her.

Her parents divorced when she was young. Her father got custody. After 8th grade, her father could not handle her and gave her to her mother. After a few years, her mother could not handle her and she moved in with her boyfriend parents. Her boyfriend was away at college. While he was away, he knocked up another girl! (by the way, this guy is OM #3).

According to the therapist, she has fears of intimacy and low self-esteem. When we started getting close and things were getting good, she was doing things to make it fail. Self destructive behavior. This was subconciously but it really makes sense.

I am posting this for others out there to know that even if you do everything right, recovery may be beyond your control. I cannot change her with threats or demands. I changed myself.

Sorry you are here. Sorry your WW is/was a serial cheater.

How are you doing?

Why did you "serve" her? Couldn't she just pick up paperwork? Or have it sent to her atty's office?

Or was that a figure of speach?

Good Luck to you.

She is not a cheater in a sense that she it out trolling for men or sleeping around. From what I have read here, on psychology sites, heard from the therapist and knowing her, the fear of intimacy and self esteem diagnosis fits her exactly. It is as if it was written based on someone watching her life. However, her not willing to go to therapy coupled with behavior that is unacceptable to me left me no other choice. I am VERY hurt that it has come to this. Actually, I am a train wreck... I love her dearly and I really wish she would have tried to make it work.

In my state, a court marshal has to serve divorce papers. She had not yet retained an attorney so my only option is to have them hand delivered to her.

CJ, are you really done with her or are you kinda hoping that the impending D will scare her into getting herself fixed? Do you have conditions that need to be met in order for you to want to stop the D, or are you done under any circumstance? The fact that you state you still love her makes me wonder. No wrong answer on that.

CJ, I have some sense of what you've been through, although not to the same level or degree. I feel for you, man. I really do!

I too, am on the D track with my personality disordered (PD) wife. Yes, I've received assurances and virtual confirmation from professionals (as well as they can without a clinical diagnosis) that she is so "afflicted." Mine just cannot stay married for longer than six and one-half years, it seems. At that point, the "Seven Year Itch" sets in and she finds cause and reason to leave.

With me, it was finding another woman's husband. Oh sure, he and OMW were separated, but from what I've learned, any divorce he gets will be very damaging to him. So it's likely my wife will continue to be the OW, or they'll part and she'll find new prey.

The title of your thread says it all. It's only been five months for me since D-day, but I have gone from the try-to-fix-the-marriage track to the get-her-out-of-your-life-as-soon-as-possible track in a very short time.

But make no mistake, this is emotionally traumatic and shatters the dreams I had of a life-long love and partners together to the grave. Thank God I found this site. While I couldn't save my marriage (and many told me they thought it shouldn't be saved), the support I have received here has made going through this time a whole lot easier.

I do see light at the end of the tunnel. It's still early for me, of course, but I have come to realize that my life will be better for it in the long run. Getting to there is the hard work.

<quote>CJ, are you really done with her or are you kinda hoping that the impending D will scare her into getting herself fixed? Do you have conditions that need to be met in order for you to want to stop the D, or are you done under any circumstance? The fact that you state you still love her makes me wonder. No wrong answer on that.</quote>

dkd:

I would love nothing more than for her to snap out of her current state, initiate therapy and save our marriage. BUT, after what I have gone through, I am not about to sit around, wasting my years, hoping for a miracle. I do love her but I have also been hurt by her.

I have not told her this for a few reasons. First, according to her, I am controlling. She would twist it in her mind so that I am threatening her unless she does something. That would reinforce her belief that I am controlling and make her want out more. Second, she is not speaking to me. She just walks around the house, miserable. I refuse to get pulled down and I will not treat her the same way. If she talks to me, I am positive and upbeat. If she is being nasty, I ignore her. I will not do anything that will allow her to justify (in her mind) that getting out of this marriage is the right thing to do.

Fred:

I read your post before I started this thread and thought that your story sounded a lot like mine.

I know that change is possible because I changed. I did not meet her needs for a long time. Looking back, I can see where she tried to change me and nothing worked. When I found out about OM #1 and she filed for D, that woke me up. I learned about women, needs, how to be a partner and how to put her first in my life. I did that and I was never happier in my life. As we got closer and happier, that's when she started her unacceptable activities.

I will be willing to recover until the D is final. I still hope for the best but I am preparing for the worst. In the end, I know that I am a better person and that I did everything within my control to save my marriage... this is on her!

I'm confused. You said that you served her divorce papers, but you do not think getting out of the marriage is the right thing to do? Are you saying that you are justified, but she is not? In the end though, does it really matter if it's the right thing to do? I'm divorced, and I honestly have no comfort at all from thinking I did the right thing.

I think you should communicate to your wife what it would take for the marriage to work in your eyes. Wouldn't you want that from her if the situation was reversed? Besides that, how can your hope of reconciling your marriage come true if she doesn't know how. That said, I understand completely about feeling that she'd only see it as manipulation. My ex would see it similarly, as I was judgemental and manipulative too. I think you can communicate your needs as just that...your needs. Not what she's doing wrong or what she needs to do. You need to have a wife that does not have EAs or PAs with other men. It hurts tremendously when you have a wife that isn't faithful. Perhaps leave it up to her to digest that and figure out what she wants to do if anything about that.

So do tell her how you feel and what you need, but do not tell her what's wrong and what's right, or how she needs to fix things, IMO.

I am not saying it is not the right thing to do. I set boundaries, she crossed them over and over. Because she is not willing to work on her issues, I am left with two choices... remain married to a woman who has continually hurt me OR divorce her. My preference is that she address her issues but that is not an option that I can decide. That is choice number three but I can only pick one or two.

So if this divorce goes through, do I want her remembering me as a jerk or as someone who, despite a bad situation, remained civil and respectful? I prefer the second. Maybe someday, 5 or 6 years from now, she will be going through her second divorce and she will remember just how great a guy I was to her. Whether she sees it or not, these issues are going to follow her, not go away.

CJ

I understand your situation. An unrepentant WW is hell waiting to go there. And your attitude of being a gentleman is the right one.

Your wife needs help. You cannot help her partially because no man is a prophet in his own home. Women think they know more about relationships than they really do. She seems like the druggie or drunk who has to hit bottom before they start looking in the mirror for the source of their problems.

All the best.

Larry

Women think they know more about relationships than they really do. that's very sexist generalization.

reading CJs post, my WH/STBX is doing similar, stopped going to therapy due to not wanting to deal with his issues but because I continue, I am the one with psychological issues. I am the one that is controlling him-yet I keep contact to minimum with him. If it doesn't involve child or divorce/I don't want to discuss with him-he's in relationship with OW and yet I must be dating someone also. He's projecting his issues and I have to bide my time and bite my tongue until divorce is final.

9370

Thank you for noticing

And you are absolutely correct. So am I, with exceptions to prove the rule.


And I say it because; most guys think women are better at relationships than guys. And they're wrong. Neither gender has a monopoly on stupid when it comes to relationships.

Larry

well I just had an interesting conversation with STBX-we were discussing a mutual friend when he all of sudden stated he is no longer involved with OW. Have heard that before, so I know that could change-but I asked why, he said they had a disagreement and I pressed further but he wouldn't say why/what about. Then he stated "I just want you to be happy even if it's with someone else" The aduacity/nerve to tell me that when he has spent the last 2 years telling me that I am a bad parent, psychological and oh yeah sexually repressed! Damn right I will find someone to make me happy because I deserve to be treated way better than what I have put up with these last 7 years. I will definitely spend time trying to figure out what I want and need BC I sure know now what I don't need or want to repeat ever again, if I can possibly help it at all.

I got the "you deserve better" speech, also.

After stating that he stayed in our marriage because of "commitment" for 33 years, he now tells me, post DDay that his job is to "make it possible for someone to love you."

Guess he never understood during those years HIS job was to love me!

Vacillates to the convenience of changing "feelings".

I'm sorry to hear about everything that you've gone through Jim.

I am a fWW, but even I had the decency to stop the affairs at discovery.

In my humble opinion, your wife has a deep seeded fear of being alone. She continues these affairs, searching for a suitable replacement for you so that she can let you go eventually. It seems to have taken her awhile with no good luck.

Don't worry, things can only get better from here and you did the right thing to stop someone from continuing to abuse you.

hamster -

I don't think she was really "searching" for a replacement. I think she was making back up plans so that WHEN our marriage failed, she would have a fall back. I say WHEN because, according to the therapist, given her past, she expected it to fail. All other relationship in her life have failed so she was expecting ours to fail. I cannot count the number of times she asked why I stay with her and she told me that everyone else in her life left her.

It is sad because after OM #1, I forgave and forgot and we were doing good.... I mean really good. Her words were "fairy tale" life. I made her happier than she ever was. Given her past experiences, the happier she was, the harder she was going to fall. As I said, she expected it to fail and, on some subconcious level, probably sabatoged it.

Not helping our situation is her new best friend, who is a woman with a type "A" personality and is going through a divorce too.

I truly think divorce as a kid has a huge effect on how you view relationships when you get older. My exMIL and exFIL have each been married 3x's each, and her maternal grandmother has been married 5x's. She's never been exposed to adults who work through the valley's of life - they divorce instead.

In the year or so before D-Day, we were both really stressed out over life in general. As she started spending time with OM (a relative), I started to withdraw from her and it was a quick downward spiral from there. Instead of facing the problems head on, she ran from them.

WW is rearranging the closets. She has been sleeping in the spare bedroom now she is moving all of her clothing there. I asked her why and she replied she may as well "since your divorcing me". I thought the phrasing was interesting. I did in fact file for D but she didn't say "since we're getting divorced". I am guessing that putting it that way somehow allows her, in her mind, to take the responsibilities off of herself.... like the 3 OM had nothing to do with my filing.

You cannot fix a broken spouse

Make it a mantra... it is mine.

Not any more sexist than things like:

Women care more about relationships that men.
Women are more faithful than men.

Both of which, from what we can see here are untrue. After all if a man is having an affair, is he having it with another man, or with a woman? With only a few exceptions, it's with a woman. So her participation in the affair proves that she is no more faithful to what marriage means than the man is. It also demonstrates she has ZERO regard for that marital relationship.

I agree, it's time for the gender based stereotypes to end. How about we start with all the stereotypes that claim women are better, more faithful, better spouses, etc.

It's insulting to men, and frankly, the more I read here, the more I'm convinced that most are simply untrue.

Bad character is equally represented by both genders. Neither men, nor women can claim some sort of moral high ground.