So...I only recently found MB....until now I had to do without, and unfortunately, I didn't make the best choices...or so I think.
My story:
Two years ago I got from my long-term boyfriend (of 8 yrs) the "I don't love you anymore" speech...it was out of the blue for me..he wanted to take a break...to sort his head out. We were living together at that time.
This is what I did:
- lost weight (22 lbs)
- became anxious, depressed, had trouble sleeping, cried a lot, had a professional setback, beggeed him to reconsider, did everything I could think of to show him how much I love him
- finally, snooped and found out he was having an Affair, which was the biggest shock of my life. Confronted him, he admitted he was seeing a married, soon to be divorced woman the same age as us (early 30's). Said she wasn't the real reason of his want to breakup...bla bla.
- after 6 or 7 months of this indecision and torment, where he would one day say he really doesn't love me anymore and the other day he would just cry his eyes out...I decided to leave our place, to finally let him do whatever he wants.
I rented a place and moved out. Soon after moving out I met a man, and we became involved, sexually and emotionally. This man was also after a recent breakup from a LTR.
Not long after I had left, my bf radically changed his mind and soul: asked me to come back, told me he realised he loved me, that his affair was a terrible mistake and was willing to come back in my terms.
Since I still loved him and we had a long history together, I went back to him.
I broke up with the new guy, who understood that I had to give my old relationship a chance...
Only to get together with him later on...
Which brings me to the present:
- together with my bf, we get along well....but the sex is dead after his affair and mine.
- I am very fond of him, but I think I was never able to forgive him for the affair, lies and deceit....which is a huge obstacle...
- I have been having an affair with the other man for the last year and a half...our feelings grew from sexual attraction to something resembling closely to love...
I am unable to decide where to go from here: end the affair, really try to work it out with bf? end it with my bf and transform the affair in a real relationship?
Both seem painful, and I feel unable to see what's best.
Because the guilt I am feeling (towards both men) is extremely distressfull I started personal counceling....been going for almost 7 months....but my therapist encourages me to continue both relationships until I solve some childhood issues...
I'm feeling so torn, so exhausted, so tired of life....I can't enjoy either relationship.
Please, people who have lived something similar or just have experience with stuff like that...help me gain some more insight...

This therapist want you to continue having sex with two men in competing relaionships that are causing you severe anxiety so you can "work out childhood issues????"

No, you are not married to either, nor were you.

Break it off with them both, find a new counselor, and work on your own problems in your own time.

Continuing a relationship with either of these damaged men, when you are damaged yourself is not a good start to the rest of your life. Stop dating awhile and focus on making you a person that will never cheat again.

SWW

Ummm.....well......ummmm....Nah..

I too suspect a drive-by.
But, what the hell?

Let's PARTY !!!

I agree. Your therapist in an idiot. Most are. Quit blaming your problems on childhood issues. Focus on improving how you are living now.

First of all, you should dump both men and cut off all contact with them. Both relationships are dysfunctional. Read up in here about how to have a functional relationship in the future. It's best to stay single in the short-term. If you are so needy that you feel you need a man, then you should fix that. In the future look for good guys that would be able to provide a functional relationship.

Well...I don't really blame my childhood for it...But my therapist says that the triangle I am involved with right now is the best option for the moment (?) and that rushing into doing anything without first thinking it through would be a mistake.
I know that being on my own would be a good thing. But it's not so simple as turning the light off....what do I do with the feelings I have for these men? I can't just ignore these feelings, pretend I don't have them...:(
I was never married to my boyfriend...while in college, we decided to wait until we finish our studies. And then his affair happened shortly after college...

What's wrong sick? You gotta problem with it? Sounds reasonable to me.

Thank you for the link, Pepperband! There's a lot of good stuff on this site, and I've been reading a lot lately...I will buy that book you recommended.

.... not one single word

What do you mean by "not one single word"?

PLG,

You said and asked

OK, we won't even discuss your morals for a second. You are mad at the old BF because he had an affair. You are now having an affair with new man while dating old BF. So you are currently seeing two men that have no trouble having affairs. You lived with one for many years and never got married and he went off and had an affair. So you have two lying cheating men on your side and your counselor says "stay with both of them???"

Your problem isn't your men, the problem is you. You are lying to yourself and by the process lying to both of these men. Until you get honest with yourself and decide what your moalr code is, what your boundaries are for relationships with other people, and how you want to live your life, no advice on your relationships will make sense.

If I could offer you a single piece of advice it would get HONEST with yourself and leave both men. You are hurting yourself by what you are doing and you are hurting them.

JL

Ummmmm......well.....ummmm....Nah..

I would not be wasting my money on a therapist that advises staying in a love triangle that involves cheating, lies, and deceit. How on earth could such a situation help you to figure out your problems? There are far more bad therapists out there than good ones. Get rid of this therapist, fast.

Do your boyfriends know about each other? Are they aware of the fact that you're in two relationships at the same time?

OK.... one single word

The new man entered in my life when I was separated from my bf (single), Then I broke up with him, to go back to boyfriend. Nad then we couldn't stay away from eachother for long.o: he knows I have a bf, but accepts the situation, mainly because he, himself, is not sure if he wants me "for life"...and doesnt' want to spoil my relationship completely...(?)
As for my bf: after we got together, I told him about the other man (that I was with someone else while we were broken up...but that it was over - at that time it was over; but after a few months it began all over again...and this time I didn't say anything to my bf).
So, yes, I lie to my bf and feel like sht because of it...- the main reason why I went into therapy
And therapist says that, if bf wanted to know, he would know the truth. But that he just doesnt' know...I don't really believe that...Bf just trusts me and think highly of me...
I just don't know about morals.
Before I thought I believed in some things...
Now, I just don't feel like anything is woth anything. Sometimes I just want everything to end, so I don't have to decide anything. I'm such a coward..:(

Yep, the triangle is the best for now...

PTG, are you for real? Is this a palm reader/advisor you are going to or are you pulling our leg?

Counselor/Palm reader/Dr. Evil thinks: "I'll get her to continue precisely with the course of action that conflicts her conscience most. That will keep her coming back to my evil lair for more sessions at $150.00 a pop. Mwoo Hah Hah Hah."

Honestly, I agree, the problem is you.

If this is true, how do you decide who's house to sleep at each night after class? They must know about the other right?

Seriously, stop it...

SWW

Oh: I use condoms, of course. Always have been, both with bf and this new man.
Another mention: these were my only 2 relationships (I am almost 30).
My bf is not interested in sex at all, in the last year...and I am also avoiding intimacy with him, so we haven't made love/had sex for more than 6 months.

How old are you?

Oh, you answered that. Almost 30.

Ummmmmmm.....well....

I would say go ask a billy goat, because he has more common sense and will counsel you for free. Your "therapist" doesn't have the common sense God gave a billy goat.