H and I talked extensively last night and found out that H has never really been happy his whole life. He was happy with me for a while and when we got married, when our daughter was born, when he came home from Korea and several other events in our lives. He was happy with OW and now realizes that he was only happy because it was new and exciting. He told me that he realizes that the affir would have ended for another reason even if he hadn't felt so guilty. He wants to give me so much more but wants to be happy and wants to know why isn't. He is going to see a counselor to figure this out. H was on adipex to lose weight and one of the things he noticed was it made him feel better about everything and enhanced his mood to the point he was happy. H thinks he has a chemical imbalance. H is no longer on adipex and is back on zoloft but it doesn't help his mood any.

Still hoping and praying

Sounds like a bingo..

Maybe a good step would be for him to have a complete physical. Rule out any medical cause, and then have him go to a IC. He might benefit from AD.

H has an appointment to see an IC on Friday afternoon and he also does couples counseling as well. I think of this as a positive thing with us. H is hoping to get his medication changed as well when he sees this counselor.

Right now I would like my H to try SAMe. It is suppose help elevate ones mood and it is all natural. You can get it at vitamin stores and GNC.

I feel like things are starting to look up some. If H can get help for himself then we can start on us and that is what he wants too.

Still hoping and praying.

I have been doing a lot of research on SAMe and I am waiting to see what H will be taking before I get it for him. I will probably wait for a few weeks until the new medication takes affect and see how he does.

We are hoping and praying for both of you also...

SAM-E is expensive depending on where you buy it. I bought some a couple weeks ago and have been taking it daily. It seemed to be more of a calming effect but of course your hubby will be different.

Good news for you guys coool,,,

Well, the past several days haven't been good for me. In fact yesterday was real bad. Had a talk with H off and on yesterday and last night I got up at 11 PM and talked about omething else and and he didn't want to talk because he had been drinking. I didn't care because I knew he would at least tell me. It ended with him saying that what if he couldn't be happy and I couldn't be happy and I told him that I wanted him to be happy and to be happy with himself and that if I had to let me go then I would even though I didn't want to. Several days ago he told me he basically hadn't been happy his whole life and that he had to find happinss inside of himself before he could work on us. He also tld me he didn't love either and that I deserved to find someone who did. Told him that I doubt that would happen because I loved him and didn't want anyone else and that I just wanted him to love me.

I guess I am an idiot and a fool to love someone who doesn't return it. I still feel that you don't return to someone you don't love especially when the guilt and stress eats you up. I guess H has to figure that out on his on.

Told H I guess I have to wait on him to decide to work on the marriage and he wanted to know how long I was willing to wait. Told I would wait as long as it took.

H finally had his first appointment with his counselor and started not to go because of the cost and I told I didn't care about the cost as long as he got help. I went to my counselor on Friday which was the same day he went.

Still hoping and praying.

Sorry tracy. I see that it has been almost 3 months you are trying to R.
You might have to let go. Please check out the teachings of Anthony de Mello on youtube about love, attachment etc...
He is helping me tremendously.
We only suffer till we decide we do not want to suffer anymore.
Blessing

Traci, I haven�t followed your whole thread so maybe I missed something, but are y�all using Marriage Builders concepts to create romantic love? This program really does work if it is used. The vast majority of counselors, however, don�t have the slightest idea how to save a marriage and don�t even believe romantic love is possible. [they have an 84% failure rate]

If I were in your shoes, I would ditch the traditional counselors and get him on the phone with Steve Harley. He might be able to sell your husband when he explains logically how his program serves to create romantic love. Marriage Builders is completely different from traditional counseling in that they use a behavioral approach and their goal is dramatically different in that they seek to restore romantic love. Other counseling venues don�t believe that is possible.

Having a great, romantic marriage often alleviates depression, too. It is a quality of life issue that affects all other aspects of one�s life

I realize that my H has to be able to happy on his own. I cannot be responsible for his happiness. We are each responsible for our own happiness not someone else.

I am trying to get him to follow MB but I cannot even get him to particpate. I will try to get him to try again tonight.

Still hopin and praying.

Traci, but isn't the goal to be happy in the marriage? Having a happy marriage most often leads to personal happiness. That is the goal of Marriage Builders. Going to an IC is usually a disaster for a marriage because they coach them to pursue individual feelings at the expense of the marriage. They work in conflict to marital recovery.


Rather than try to get him on board yourself, I would suggest counseling with Steve Harley YOURSELF. Let him assess your situation and give you a PLAN. Then he can tell you what to say to get your H on the phone with him ALONE. Steve doesn�t counsel couples in conflict together because that is a stupid strategy.

Traci, I just read your entire thread and I'm happy to see that your H has returned home and you're working on recovery.

I have noticed that every time (and it has been a lot) someone mentions getting counseling with the Harley's you kind of blow it off...yet you and your H continue to struggle in your recovery!

I think you have done SOOOO many things right, but I pray you will take advantage of reaching out to the absolute best resource you have available to you right now...counseling with the Harley's.

You've come so far...I'd hate to see you lose everything now.

I guess I don't quite get this. Your H is going through withdrawal and is asking you for your help. You have access to the BEST possible help available out there (counseling with the Harley's) yet you don't take it.

If your H was withdrawing from crack and asked you for help finding a good detox facility would you tell him to handle it himself, or would you hook him up with a facility that you KNEW had the highest success rates in the country for recovery?

Traci, Sidney is right. If your H is willing to work on the problems why wouldn't you help him? IC is a diversion from the real problem that wastes valuable time. You only have a short window of time before you have lost the opportunity to save your marriage completely.

Why not do something to help yourself and your marriage?

What everyone doesn't seem to understand is that H has never really been happy his whole life. He needs to be happy with himself to be happy with us. We are each responsible with our own happiness, we cannot depend on someone else to make us happy.

What is good is that his counselor is a good marriage counselor and he specializes in marriage counseling. I will call tomorrow to set up an appointment for us to talk to Steve, but I cannot promise that I can get H to talk to him. I just hope my flexible spending account covers this because I just don't have the money to spend onanything else. I have cut back on my hours at work because that was part of our problems, I worked too many hours. I worked a lot of overtime but that was because he spent too much and now he finally realizes this and he sold his truck before he returned home.

Still hoping and praying.

Traci- I think that there are two different issues at hand concerning your H. The first, and most dire, is the fact that he is going through withdrawal from OW and it is vital he gets through this to reconcile your marriage. I'm glad you're going to call Steve, because I think he is the absolute best person that can help your H with this particular issue right now.

The second issue (and important, but not as immediately pressing) is his chronic unhappiness. I believe a good therapist (and possibly meds) can help address this and I hope he can get to the bottom of some of his issues.

And as far as the marriage counselor, just a heads-up that they are not all trained with the best methods for recovering infidelity (thus the push for the Harley's). My WH is a Marriage and Family Therapist and I tried for years to get him to buy into the Marriage Builder's methods for his practice, but he just scoffed at it all (as he had client after client involved in affairs experience failed marriages). Oh yeah, and he just walked out on his own family to pursue his affair!

And where did you get this idea, Traci? Having a good marriage leads TO great personal happiness.

Secondly, when you say his counselor "specializes" in marriage counseling, what is his track record? Most MC have a long history of failure. What is his? Does he use a behavioral approach or does he use the tried and failed feeling approach where people come to counseling for YEARS examining their PAST?

Traci, I am glad you are going to call Steve. He can give you a PLAN to save your marriage, and he won't waste your time with a bunch of nonsense.

Hi Traci,checking in.... Agree with the others and get an appt. with Steve.

I know money is tight. I used to complain about finances and I did not know how good I had it till I went through the D.

The money for the MC is an investment. Rather not have money for the electric but for the C if it works out in the long run.

Blessings.