I'm new here and am dealing with my husband's infidelity. I found out a week and a half ago when I discovered a hidden Facebook account that he created, as well as an email. I confronted him about it - he admitted to doing it, and now I am left with what I feel is the decision. He says he wants to make it work and he doesn't want to lose me. He says that he messed up and how stupid he is but when I gave him the opportunity to be honest with me, he wasn't. I understand why he wouldn't and I told him that if we wanted our marriage to work, then he needed to show me that he wants to make it work. He contacted a Marriage Counselor and we have our first appointment next week.

This weekend I read emails and texts from a woman he had not told me about and now I'm wondering how honest he really is and how can I explain to him that I cannot move forward if he won't be completely transparent with me. A couple days after I found out, he started becoming aggitated at some of my questions and told me that if I am going to give him a chance that I need to drop it and stop nagging. I told him that I wasn't trying to but him being defensive makes me wonder if there is anything else he is hiding or if he is really sincere in fixing it. How long should I question him before I start becoming the prodder? It's only been a week and a half. How will I know he's being sincere? I feel like i've been conned and I'm wondering if there are any other women out there feel the same.

I'm not looking to trash him - I'm not looking for revenge. I'm not that type of person but I do want him to know without a doubt that I will not allow him to behave this way any further because I deserve more. My kids deesrve more and I want the assurance knowing that he's putting both feet forward in truth and honesty to fix it otherwise I don't want to even try. How do I explain that to him so that he doesn't think i'm being paranoid? I hate that I turned into this paranoid woman who doesn't believe anything he says. I just don't know what to do.

Welcome Banana, and sorry that you are here.

Have you read any of the articles on here? Have you read the basic concepts?

Also, some questions about your M and the A.

How long have you been married? How old are both of you? Do you have children? Where did your H and OW meet? What sort of proof do you have about the A? Is this the first M for both of you?

We need to know the answers to these questions so we can help you further.

Banana,

I'm sorry you need to be here, but it's the best place you can be under the circumstances. Other wiser folks will be around to help you shortly. In the meantime, read everything you can on this site. Start with the basic concepts and go from there.

Be careful about the marriage counselor. Many of them do more harm than good. Read all the information you can on this site and find out whether the MC you'll be talking to follows Marriage Builders' concepts. If not, look into phone counseling with Steve Harley. I just had my first session this morning. I know that if anyone can help us, he can.

Hang in there, people will be here to offer specific advice very soon.

Bea

No articles or concepts. Completely new.

We will be married for 9 years next month.
I am 35 and he's 32
We have two children - a 5 yr. old & 3 yr. old.

He met the OW where he works this past summer. Back in July I had noticed several texts to a number and when I confronted him about it, he told me that it was this girl who he met at work and that supposedly she was a lesbian... I told him regardless that it just seemed a little odd that he would be texting her so much. He did cut down but noticed him trying to distance himself a little after a couple months. I had a feeling something was off and when I would try to talk to him about it, he would tell me that I was being insecure. His behavior just wasn't the same and I can say from like October to last week, it seemed liked he was trying to avoid us being together.

I didn't have any proof but then when I found that hidden FB account, I just knew - you just know that's what it was. I was able to access the email linked to that account and discovered that he had created it in July of 09'. He and this girl have several emails back and forth and to his credit - he was trying to end it... he told her several times to leave him alone and that he made a mistake but she was so insistent on trying to "change the dynamics of the relationship" so that he wouldn't cut her out completely.

When he came home that evening, I confronted him and of course he said I was being insecure until I showed him on the laptop. His face dropped and it wasn't until then that he admitted it. He had never done anything like this ever - and truly believe this is his first time because he never acted like this previously ever. He assured me that he can fix it and he did delete the FB account and email and arranged for us to see a therapist but his phone records still showed texts and calls he made after I found out. It's just really bothering me because I don't know what it's going to take for him to get it through his head that it is unacceptable. He gets defensive when I bring it up... like I don't have a right to question him. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism or if he's in denial. I want him to just be honest with me... at least that much!

Being curious and asking questions is natural. I wanted the same thing, and it never seems to go away. Its really a trust issue, and having him be open and honest (O&H) about his affair may help you feel that he is being O&H. On the other hand making demands (real nagging) does not help.

Honestly, snooping will help you ease the questions on the guy. He may say something like, "If I tell you you will only get hurt." Well the damage is already done.

Also read up and get yourself educated.


You can't force him to stop or to begin a affair, but you do have to protect yourself and your kids. Let him know that if his affair continues then you will remove yourself and the kids from his bad example of a marriage. the only assurance that you can get is through his actions, and this will take time to identify.

I guess first step is to persuade him to cut off all contact with the OW.

Then, without telling him, expose his affair to the people around him that have the most influence. If it is a coworker tell his boss. If it is a woman from church tell the minister. Tell his and your parents, and his and your siblings. This will break the affair. If you tell him he will beg and plead for you not to tell anyone because it will ruin everything, which of course is all fog babble.

Get a good Plan A together. Gather evidence to check if they are still having an affair, and save that evidence outside of the house. If the affair does not stop after exposure and about 4-6 weeks go by then go to Plan B.

Read up on Plan A and Plan B. Read His Needs Her Needs, Surviving an Affair, and Love Busters together.

Do they still work together?

You are going to have to read up on the basic concepts and on Plan A and Plan B. This is the best place for you to be right now. There will be vets coming along to help you out shortly and I would suggest that you do what they say.

They are going to tell you to EXPOSE.

You're going to have to go into Plan A.

You are going to try to end the Affair(that is what exposure is for). You will need to expose to their workplace, your friends and family, his friends and family and POSOW's friends and family. Is POSOW married? Do you know for a FACT, or from what your WH says?(Waywards LIE).