Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 49 1 2 3 48 49
#2340748 03/22/10 02:38 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 382
A
anne505 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 382
I'm new here. My husband is cheating but I don't yet have enough evidence to confront him. What do I do? I'm so scared and confused.

Last edited by anne505; 03/22/10 02:38 PM.
anne505 #2340754 03/22/10 02:41 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
We need a little more anne.

Your ages?
How long married?
Kids?
Is the OW (other woman)a co-worker with WH (wayward husband)?
How long?
Is the OW married?
What's your clues and evidence?
A little background on your life and marriage.

Sorry your here but we may be able to help.

Last edited by chrisner; 03/22/10 02:48 PM.

Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
chrisner #2340765 03/22/10 03:00 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 382
A
anne505 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 382
I am 40, he's 39.

Married 10 years. Together for 19 years.

Two boys, 9 and 5. I'm 7 weeks pregnant.

OW is a potential cilent he is trying to get some business from.

I don't know how long it's been going on or how many times. He met her in November '08. OW is not married and is 39 or 40. She had a bad breakup with her boyfriend in October '09.

Clues are that he isn't honest when he goes out with her. In fact, the first few times, he saw her, he didn't even tell me about it. He saw her in November and I know he gave her a ride to and from the restaurant but lied to me about it when I asked him why he took my car that night. Another clue is that he wanted his friends to meet her. He took her out Friday night and had his friends pretend to call him on the spur of the moment to see if he wanted to go out and then he invited them out with him to meet OW. He made it sound to me (and to her) that it was all spontaneous and unplanned but he planned it out with his best friend (a HUGE cheater) all week long.

I found some evidence in his emails. He and his best friend were emailing back and forth about their upcoming plans for Friday night. In one email, the friend asked if he was planning to [censored] her Friday night. WH answered with a joke so he could always say they were both joking. In a separate email, the friend asked him if I knew he was going out with her or if it was hush hush. WH says "Unlike you. She knows. I'm trying to get business from her." Friend replies with "ya I am sure but does she know what kind of business come on you know you are trying to [censored] her again" WH's reply was "That would be too close for comfort, but would be convienient since she lives five minutes away."

I don't want to confront him yet for two reasons. One is that he can (and I'm sure will) lie his way out of it. The second is that he has no idea I'm reading his emails and if he finds out, he will no longer talk openly in them.

Do I just wait and hope he says more?

anne505 #2340775 03/22/10 03:08 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
Quote
She had a bad breakup with her boyfriend in October '09.


How did you get this information? If it was from your (clearly) wayward husband you need to confirm it.

How are you getting his email? Do you have a keylogger or just hacked his passwords?

Do you have any cell phone bill information?



Quote
He and his best friend were emailing back and forth about their upcoming plans for Friday night.

Is this in reference to THIS upcoming Friday night?


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
anne505 #2340780 03/22/10 03:11 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
Quote
I don't want to confront him yet for two reasons. One is that he can (and I'm sure will) lie his way out of it. The second is that he has no idea I'm reading his emails and if he finds out, he will no longer talk openly in them.


You are very correct on both counts. You need more.


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
chrisner #2340785 03/22/10 03:19 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 382
A
anne505 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 382
I can read his emails because I have his password but he does not know that.

I know about the bad breakup because I saw her Facebook profile and she wrote about in on here.

In reference to last Friday, when he planned for his friends to meet up with him and OW.

Here is what his friend had to say about meeting OW "I liked your girl a little bit of a butter face but you guys looked great together we thought she was going to be all over you friday night Lets go out with her again soon"

Is this enough proof for a confrontation?

Last edited by anne505; 03/22/10 03:20 PM.
anne505 #2340798 03/22/10 03:31 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by anne505
I can read his emails because I have his password but he does not know that.

I know about the bad breakup because I saw her Facebook profile and she wrote about in on here.

In reference to last Friday, when he planned for his friends to meet up with him and OW.

Here is what his friend had to say about meeting OW "I liked your girl a little bit of a butter face but you guys looked great together we thought she was going to be all over you friday night Lets go out with her again soon"

Is this enough proof for a confrontation?

I know it's hard, but see if you can get anything else - he can spin that. It's a little vague and a WS will turn it into "Oh, he was just talking about her kicking my butt on the Golden Tee game..." or "He meant our SCORE looked great when we played on the same team!" And boom. You just lost a prime snooping source.

You have a golden opportunity with the email - don't lose your cool and tip your hand that you have his pw. Keep snooping. The best intel will be email between the two of them. Sorry if I missed this, but do you have access to his cell phone, or cell phone records? Those are prime snooping sources. How about his banking statements, credit card bills? Any unusual charges on those?

Can you snoop through his car for evidence? How about getting a VAR (voice activated recorder) to plant in his car to record anything he says while he's in it?

Key loggers - check them out. Go to http://www.spectorsoft.com Can you install one on his computer? They are virtually undetectable and are invaluable.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

anne505 #2340808 03/22/10 03:38 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
Quote
Here is what his friend had to say about meeting OW "I liked your girl a little bit of a butter face but you guys looked great together we thought she was going to be all over you friday night Lets go out with her again soon"

Is this enough proof for a confrontation?


It sure is for me but he will still deny. We had a guy caught here once in his underwear in the doorway of a motel room and he still denied.

More would be better and before you do anything get a keylogger that takes screenshots on that computer. If he thinks you are onto him he will change passwords. Better if you have a keylogger on it first.

Don't tell him about this place. Stay cool.

Delete your history and cookies from here after every visit.

Have you done snooping? Bills, phones, cars, briefcases, drawers, the garage, everywhere? You need to carefully and thoroughly snoop.

Are you a stay at home mom?

Don't get caught snooping.

If your real name is anne you should consider changing the screen name.

By the way, his frend is a real stinking pile.


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
anne505 #2340817 03/22/10 03:51 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by anne505
I can read his emails because I have his password but he does not know that.

I know about the bad breakup because I saw her Facebook profile and she wrote about in on here.

In reference to last Friday, when he planned for his friends to meet up with him and OW.

Here is what his friend had to say about meeting OW "I liked your girl a little bit of a butter face but you guys looked great together we thought she was going to be all over you friday night Lets go out with her again soon"

Is this enough proof for a confrontation?

What Chrisner said - look everywhere. WS's are notorious for leaving clues. You just need to look to find them. If I had been suspicious, I could have caught my FWH with the first month's cell phone bill. And his emails.

Another thing: see if you can get his cell phone away from him. If it's glued to his side, even when he goes to the bathroom, that's a huge redflag . See if you can get it long enough to check his texts. If they are erased, redflag . Write down the cell phone number and the message for each incriminating text. Check his contacts - write them all down, including phone numbers. Pay attention to odd-sounding contacts, like the name of a company instead of a person's name. Call the numbers you don't recognize (use *67 so your number doesn't show up) and ask for an unusual name, like Jezreal Constantopoulos, or whatever. Any name that the owner of the phone probably wouldn't be called. You don't want to be caught flat-footed if the owner of the phone is the name you ask for. shocked

Last edited by maritalbliss; 03/22/10 03:53 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

chrisner #2340819 03/22/10 03:52 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
A private eye would probably wrap this one up pretty quick.


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
chrisner #2340821 03/22/10 03:52 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 382
A
anne505 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 382
I do have access to his cell phone at times but he doesn't make frequent calls to her. There migth be another phone (his cheating friend has another phone) but I haven't been able to find one. As for cell phone records, his work pays for his phone so I can't get to those. I check the banking statements and credit card bills but nothing unusual.

He cleaned out his car after his weekend so I'm sure there isn't anything in there but I can check. Which VAR should I get? That sounds like a great idea.

A key loggers doesn't help me since his laptop is his work computer and I can't put anything like that on it. He doesn't use our home computer.

I know with what little I have, he will deny and say his friends are playing a joke on him. I'm trying to remain calm but this is so new to me and being pregnant doesn't help (yes, it was planned).

I am a stay at home mom. I am not using my real name.

And, yes, his frend is a real stinking pile. And, as much as it breaks my heart, I'm beginning to think he is too. The friend has cheated on his wife for two years with at least three different women. WH would used to tell me all about it.

anne505 #2340827 03/22/10 03:54 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by anne505
I'm new here. My husband is cheating but I don't yet have enough evidence to confront him. What do I do? I'm so scared and confused.

Get the evidence and then come back here.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


anne505 #2340829 03/22/10 03:55 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 382
A
anne505 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 382
I can't afford a private eye.

anne505 #2340831 03/22/10 03:57 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 382
A
anne505 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 382
I'm trying to get proof. I will just keep reading the emails. It's almost impossible to pretend like nothing is wrong. How do you pull that off?

anne505 #2340832 03/22/10 03:58 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by anne505
I do have access to his cell phone at times but he doesn't make frequent calls to her. There migth be another phone (his cheating friend has another phone) but I haven't been able to find one. As for cell phone records, his work pays for his phone so I can't get to those. I check the banking statements and credit card bills but nothing unusual.

He cleaned out his car after his weekend so I'm sure there isn't anything in there but I can check. Which VAR should I get? That sounds like a great idea.

A key loggers doesn't help me since his laptop is his work computer and I can't put anything like that on it. He doesn't use our home computer.

I know with what little I have, he will deny and say his friends are playing a joke on him. I'm trying to remain calm but this is so new to me and being pregnant doesn't help (yes, it was planned).

I am a stay at home mom. I am not using my real name.

And, yes, his frend is a real stinking pile. And, as much as it breaks my heart, I'm beginning to think he is too. The friend has cheated on his wife for two years with at least three different women. WH would used to tell me all about it.

You can install a keylogger on his laptop if you can get it away from him for any length of time. You can install a keylogger that will email reports to your email address. It only takes about 10 minutes to install. The program erases its own files. You may have to tell the spyware program to ignore the keylogger program. What is your reluctance to install it?

I can't remember the name of the VAR I used, but plan on spending at least $40. The first one I bought ($25) was worthless.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 382
A
anne505 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 382
I thought it was illegal to install a keylogger on a computer you do not own. WH is a lawyer. I'm just trying to be careful.

Where can I find a VAR?

anne505 #2340838 03/22/10 04:01 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by anne505
I thought it was illegal to install a keylogger on a computer you do not own. WH is a lawyer. I'm just trying to be careful.

Where can I find a VAR?

You think your lawyer H will take you to court? Get the keylogger.

Check RadioShack for the VAR.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 382
A
anne505 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 382
His boss owns the computer, not WH.

I'll look at RadioShack.

anne505 #2340848 03/22/10 04:09 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
Quote
I can't afford a private eye.


I would make some calls anyway. You might be surprised. If you catch his emails making another date sometime soon this would all be over in a few hours.

Be sure to print and hide multiple copies of whatever you find.




Last edited by chrisner; 03/22/10 04:11 PM.

Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
chrisner #2340936 03/22/10 05:59 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 382
A
anne505 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 382
I am keeping copies of everything. I checked his computer and he keeps it pretty clean so I'm not getting anything off of that without the keylogger. I will get a VAR. I think that will help a lot.

This makes me so sick! I can't believe I'm pregnant and in this situation. Thank you for being so helpful. I hope this gets resolved (one way or another) sooner rather than later.

Page 1 of 49 1 2 3 48 49

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5