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Wow, good luck with everything! I know you will make the right decision. You are very wise. Is your H still in the Army? Will he be deploying again? STBXH deploys back to Iraq in August or Sept.
Things have been going well for me. I'm doing much better emotionally. I dont cry everyday like I used to. My feelings for STBXH are slowly dying out. I feel like I'm just about ready to finalize the divorce and move on. I think there is a good man out there for me somewhere. Just havn't met him yet. I just get really upset when STBXH avoids talking to our kids. I feel like he doesnt care about them anymore. I'm sure he does, but that's just how I feel. I wish he would call them more regularly. They love talking to him and my daughter asks for him all the time.


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
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Originally Posted By: armymama
Hi AW,

Overall, things are much better. We are really working the MB program. I am cautious. Two years ago, when I started into this, I gave myself until April 17, 2010 to decide whether I wanted to stay in this M. At the time, it seemed an eternity in the future, but now it is right around the corner. The contact from last fall really set things back and I am still not sure I can be in an M where there will always be a vulnerability to OW.

This week has been strange. I thought something was going on. H finally mentioned that this week is the 7 year anniversary of the start of the war in Iraq. H was in the initial invasion and was triggered by news reports. He had been thinking about the things he saw and smelled during the first few weeks of the war, had some trouble sleeping. He reacted by being fairly withdrawn from me. I interpreted it as withdrawal from OW. Complicated stuff.

How are you doing?

AM


Hi Army mama just stopping in. One day at a time. Glad you had the opportunity to at least try for your M.

You have given 120 percent. One day this will balance out to a 50/50 split. I have faith.

Take care and God bless


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Guess it's about time for an update. The cruise was really good. Great weather. Plenty of UA time, RC time, conversation, affection and SF. We both really enjoyed each other's company.

A little more difficult week after returning. Sat was 2 year anniversary of D-day. I handled that day pretty well, but had been very triggery in the previous days. Also, found that our UA dipped a little last week. Solved the problem by asking for way-over-the-top affection. so far, getting it.
I am still really hopeful we are going in the right direction. MB coach is awesome in keeping us from straying too far.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Originally Posted By: armymama
Also, found that our UA dipped a little last week. Solved the problem by asking for way-over-the-top affection. so far, getting it.
I am still really hopeful we are going in the right direction.

Sure sounds like it to me!!! dance2

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MB coaches rock, they have been a Godsend for us as well.

Things get exponentially more complicated and painful after a FR. I'm sorry you have been through that. frown


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Yep. I really like the idea of H being accountable to someone else. Today we had a small issue about a piece of luggage. H had been using it as a gym bag and after D-day 1, I found an icky love note from OW in it. Recently, H had been using the bag to tote stuff to fish and game club. So, a couple of weeks ago, I told H in my best MB technique that it would make me really happy if he got rid of the bag. He immediately agreed. A week ago, he told me he had moved his stuff to another bag and I expressed appreciation. Today, I was looking for wd40 in the basement and there was the bag, sitting on the floor. H's explanation was that he misunderstood that I wanted it gone - he thought I just wanted him to stop using it. Well, that's a load of dehydrated cow manure. SO.... rather than express a DJ and start an argument, my plan is to bring it up with coach. Meanwhile, I will just see what happens after that.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Originally Posted By: armymama
Yep. I really like the idea of H being accountable to someone else. Today we had a small issue about a piece of luggage. H had been using it as a gym bag and after D-day 1, I found an icky love note from OW in it. Recently, H had been using the bag to tote stuff to fish and game club. So, a couple of weeks ago, I told H in my best MB technique that it would make me really happy if he got rid of the bag. He immediately agreed. A week ago, he told me he had moved his stuff to another bag and I expressed appreciation. Today, I was looking for wd40 in the basement and there was the bag, sitting on the floor. H's explanation was that he misunderstood that I wanted it gone - he thought I just wanted him to stop using it. Well, that's a load of dehydrated cow manure. SO.... rather than express a DJ and start an argument, my plan is to bring it up with coach. Meanwhile, I will just see what happens after that.AM


Wow, AM, that is some seriously strong self-control you have going on there. hurray hurray hurray One good point is that he obviously wasn't trying to hide the bag after he switched to another one.

It's so good to see you here in print. I check quite regularly to see how you are doing.

GY


D-Day EA 11/29/08
D-Day PA 12/12/08

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AM I'm happy to hear your cruise went well! That's awesome! It sounds to me like things are looking up and I'm sure your H didnt mean to hurt you by leaving the bag in the basement. He probably didnt know you meant throw it away.
I'm happy for you!


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
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A little update. DS22 was home on R&R from Iraq. He left this morning. It was good to see him. DS16 is really struggling at school and has had two panic attacks in as many weeks. H finally spoke to DS16 about the A, apologized and offered to answer any questions DS16 might have - not sure if panic attacks are related to that or are more about stress at school.

We are sort of stuck in working our MB lessons. This time it is my issue. I am still resentful about conversations H and OW shared about nearly everything. Sometimes, I think all we talk about is the weather and the dog and that's ok with me.

I really liked Mark's post on IHS's thread. He perfectly described a BS's feeling after a false recovery.
I am at the 6 month point after the contact and three months after H finally disclosed what really happened in Nov. Still plugging along.
AM

Last edited by armymama; 05/12/10 01:55 PM. Reason: typos

BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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{{{{{AM}}}}},

Remember Dr. H's words on resentment....."the more damage the WS inflicts, the more resentment the BS has to overcome...."

Ok, that was more of a paraphrasing of it...... grin

Thanks for the update though........

Not2fun

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Hi AM, What a difference time makes.

Nice to see positive effort by H. I pray for your M to be everything that God wants for both of you.

It is a struggle to recover and it is a struggle being D. I hate it.

Even when I go to doctor's office and they ask marital status -- I leave it blank.

M are worth saving. Glad you are surviving this.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Originally Posted By: not2fun
{{{{{AM}}}}},

Remember Dr. H's words on resentment....."the more damage the WS inflicts, the more resentment the BS has to overcome...."

Ok, that was more of a paraphrasing of it...... grin

Thanks for the update though........

Not2fun


Well, trickle truth and a break in no contact sure inflict alot of damage on top of the A.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Originally Posted By: armymama


Well, trickle truth and a break in no contact sure inflict alot of damage on top of the A.


EXACTLY


AM, some of us over in Recovery are having this VERY discussion.......it's the thread titled...."Can MB influence repentance?"....... If you want to take a look-see....... grin

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Originally Posted By: armymama
Originally Posted By: not2fun
{{{{{AM}}}}},

Remember Dr. H's words on resentment....."the more damage the WS inflicts, the more resentment the BS has to overcome...."

Ok, that was more of a paraphrasing of it...... grin

Thanks for the update though........

Not2fun


Well, trickle truth and a break in no contact sure inflict alot of damage on top of the A.

AM


I'm right there with you on the resentment thing, AM. I no longer mention the A when my resentment boils over (per Dr. H's orders); but I know exactly what you mean about dwelling on what they might have said. My H's LTA gives me a lot to get over, but a false recovery like yours would make it even worse. If you come up with anything to help overcome the resentment, please share. In the meantime, it's good to hear from you.

GY


D-Day EA 11/29/08
D-Day PA 12/12/08

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GY,

Good to hear from you as well. I have still been on the rollercoaster with some pretty bad days of funk. So, I decided to ask about anti-depressants. I didn't want them before, wanted to work through my feelings myself. In any case, I went to the appt at the VA last week and the doc really did not want to prescribe them to me.

He told me two stories. In the first he said the A was like someone parked their pickup truck on my foot, twice. And I was asking for something to take the pain away in my foot, when I really needed to get the truck moved.

The second story involved a hospitalized veteran whose PTSD was so severe that he was really too violent for the Psych ward that he was on. With an anti-depressant, he became a model hospital citizen, took a leadership role on his ward, was admired, etc. When it was suggested he leave the hospital, he said he wanted to stop the anti-depressant first. When the doctor asked why, the patient responded, "Because out in the real world, I need my anger".

In any case, I got my script and will give them a couple of months. Maybe I can work on the conversation course in the next few days. I don't know.

We have had some minor issues about interpretation of EPs. And we had a bumpy POJA about an IPod that VA is providing H to assist with his memory problems. My issue was that it could have Wi-fi access. In the end, we resolved the issue by me placing parental controls on the IPod so that it can only be used off the internet. We are still finding our way in how we negotiate and it is not always smooth. On the plus side, RC, affection, and SF are going along well.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Yep, couldn't live without my Lexapro. Takes the edge off. We call them my crazy pills.

All in all, it seems that you guys are coming along nicely.

Keep in touch.

GY


D-Day EA 11/29/08
D-Day PA 12/12/08

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GY, are you doing ok? Some of your recent posts make me curious/concerned about you.

Things are bumping along ok here. One day, I am ok. The next day, I'm not. H said some interesting things yesterday. We were talking about DWTS, Kate Gosslin, her divorce, etc. I said I never really had a picture of life w/o H in it. He said he had pictured life without me and didn't like it. He said he thought it would be superficial and lonely. Then he said he would not want to be without me, his best friend.

Maybe it is time to move back over to the recovery forum and get another thread title.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Originally Posted By: armymama
GY, are you doing ok? Some of your recent posts make me curious/concerned about you.

Things are bumping along ok here. One day, I am ok. The next day, I'm not. H said some interesting things yesterday. We were talking about DWTS, Kate Gosslin, her divorce, etc. I said I never really had a picture of life w/o H in it. He said he had pictured life without me and didn't like it. He said he thought it would be superficial and lonely. Then he said he would not want to be without me, his best friend.

Maybe it is time to move back over to the recovery forum and get another thread title.

AM


AWWW! at long last! some genuinely great news!


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Originally Posted By: armymama
GY, are you doing ok? Some of your recent posts make me curious/concerned about you.

Things are bumping along ok here. One day, I am ok. The next day, I'm not. H said some interesting things yesterday. We were talking about DWTS, Kate Gosslin, her divorce, etc. I said I never really had a picture of life w/o H in it. He said he had pictured life without me and didn't like it. He said he thought it would be superficial and lonely. Then he said he would not want to be without me, his best friend.

Maybe it is time to move back over to the recovery forum and get another thread title.

AM


AM,
Yes, I guess I'm okay. I've had a rough couple of weeks, triggering badly over things that I feel were never truthfully answered. With H's resolve, current transparency, and all-out effort to meet my needs, I ask myself if it really matters now. At eighteen months past d-day, I am reluctant to bring anything up about the past per Dr. Harley's orders. Any advice?????

I'm very happy to hear that you feel you are in true recovery. I've worried a great deal about you and Bea. Then poor Black_raven had her setback, not to mention some iffyness in the way Vittoria was posting a few weeks ago. Isn't it strange how much we are pained by our forum friends' setbacks when we can't even put a screen-name with a face. It just goes to show the depth of comraderie established by someone's caring about our pain.

Thank you for checking in on me. I always look forward to hearing from those of you who have been keeping tabs on me from the get-go.

GY


D-Day EA 11/29/08
D-Day PA 12/12/08

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GY,

I don't think I am qualified to give any advice. My posts are riddled with things "not to do". For me, while I thought/felt there were half-truths, lies and omissions, I was unable to move forward in recovery. It kept coming back to O&H and until I was getting that from H, I was angry and resentful more often than not. Now, it is the other way around. I am far less resentful. I don't have a need for any other information about the A. I still trigger out of the blue, but the triggers don't have the same effect and don't last as long. H wrote a good set of EPs and if something does not feel right, I bring out the EPs and compare what is happening to the list.

H and I (especially H) seem much happier than a year ago. I asked H what he thought was different now versus then and he said that now he feels as though I want him to be here. I didn't mention it, but I think he was in withdrawal for a very long time. And I think it was not until he broke the contact last fall that his fantasy of OW was crushed. Even then, she got him to lie about the contact for 3 months. The lying weighed on his mind. I would not wish a false recovery on anyone, but I think in our case when I laid out the plan D and told H I never wanted to see him again, his light bulb went on. Something else he said recently was that he liked being with someone who really knew and understood him and loved him anyway.

I hope you are able to ride out whatever is going on now and get to better times soon. Your MB friend, AM

PS. I just looked at the dates I was posting about resentment - only a couple weeks ago. Soooooo, maybe I am just still on the same rollercoaster - just a different section.

Last edited by armymama; 05/27/10 02:53 PM. Reason: typos, typos, and more typos

BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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