WH left for deployment this past weekend. Within a couple of days of him leaving I discovered his affair. In his cover up story he said he was going to one state and but really met up with his OW. I found out her name, found her myspace page and face book. All private

Everything that I didn�t want to believe to be true was true. And I found it by snooping.

First thing I did was go to the chaplain and discussed my options. He recommended for me not to go to the command as did my counselor. I know Exposure is key the reason being is that me and my kids will lose out on the pay for at least a month or 2. We are not prepared financially to miss out on that even for a month, however if later down the year the A continues then that is a step I am prepared to take. I KNOW that is the best way to stop this A from continuing but the truth is if I do go to chain of command me and my kids will be the ones hurting in the end, not only emotionally but financially. I will give it a couple of months then to build up a cushion and figure out exactly what I want to do here.

My biggest exposure then would be to his parents. They are both disappointed but they really have no say in his life sad to say, my WH didn�t listen to them last time he pulled something like this. He even punished them for taking my side, and didn�t call them at all for 6 months or so. I know they were very hurt by this, and I know they are trying not to do that again.

I can�t expose to anyone in her family because her profiles are private. I am able to view her friends on her FB page but am I supposed to just personally email each of her over 100 friends? I mean how do I know who would be the ones that are important that would mean anything to her.

Also I do know she is married from what my WH has told me before, to another soldier. My chaplain took my information on what I think his name would be taken from the first name he gave me and her last name. He wanted to be sure they aren�t at the same place. I do know that her H is also deployed and that�s why the chaplain is taking that additional measure, and wanted to give them a heads up. I know I can't take meds just yet. I know I have to start setting aside some money just in case but what can i do NOW to start the process on saving my marriage?

At my chaplain and counselor�s suggestion I was to email that I do know, so that I can edit my feelings after I wrote them all down but before I got home he called. I asked him to read the email I need to send him and he said he couldn�t and threatened to never call me back if I don�t tell him. He made that same threat at least 3 times in our conversation. So I told him point blank this is what I know and listed everything I found. He wanted to know how I found out and I shouldn�t have told him how I did but I said I found the receipts. He verified everything is true. I kept repeating that I am prepared to do the necessary steps to repair this marriage. He took it as a threat that I would go to his command and make a fool out of myself so he threaten that he would just go tell them everything himself and I get to lose out on the money. I told him I understand the consequences but I am prepared to do what I have to do to save this marriage and he said he is going to do what he has to do to not. Last thing I heard him say was he is going to call me back in a year. I hung up on him then.

We did have more to the conversation that I�m sure did not help the situation any. He told me if I email anybody he would not call me in a year (same threat) not really sure who he meant by emailing I guess his friends. I suppose I can do expose that way. I was thinking of posting it on my FB wall what is going on but I am not sure if I want my entire family to know my business, the ones that don�t even know him so don�t have a say.

We do have like 9 mutual friends on there I can expose to but none of them are really that close to him to make a difference. He took the option for anyone to write on his wall apparently, so I can�t do that route. My chaplain says to be careful who I expose it to because it could backfire - they could just go straight to his command to start the investigation and I�d rather be in control of that.

So right now here�s my situation. I�m pregnant with our 4th. He just deployed. While it is possible for me to do a little bit of Plan A it is nearly impossible with his EA still going on. Should I continue to plan B then? I know this sounds really bad but I want to limit his contact with my kids, as in I don�t want him to talk to them right now. I do plan on having them send stuff in the mail but phone calls I�m not ready to let them do that especially since I�m still in shock. I want to save our marriage he does not.

I got the book"Surviving an affair" from my chaplain today. I already read Love busters, his needs her needs. Still need to read the one I got today and fall in love, stay in love.


What is my next course of action? Right now my counselor advised me to wait a couple of days to figureo out what I want to do. If he calls don't answer. Give it until Monday. Focus on being a whole mom for my 3 kids. Focus on NOT going into preterm labor. Talk to ACS, Legal and get educated on the divorce procedures, what I'm entitled to (I am not ready to do this but I know I will have to) and also get in contact with my Dr to let them know I may be a candidate for Post partum depression. I actually feel it starting to come on now.

Smiley,

I would talk to Legal right away. You need to get your financial situation squared away. Your very WH is trying to control your every move by threatening you that he won't call you for a year if you expose his A. He wants to continue doing what he is doing and he doesn't want YOU to mess it up. Your fear of financial difficulty is preventing you from establishing your boundaries. So he has done this before?

Why do you want to stay with this man?

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Dealing with discovery of an A during a deployment is tough and being pregnant makes it doubly tough.


Take a look at Armywifie's thread. She has been one strong woman and faced some of the same financial issues.

You do know it is likely this was more than an EA. I am so, so sorry.

My best wishes to you.

AM

I do know this is was a PA I meant to say while he is deployed it will be an EA.

He has gaslighted me before and I believed him. This is cold concrete proof.

I think I need to wait a bit before I make any rash decisions like going to command. I don't want to start a process I will regret later. Isn't that a wiser choice for me to do instead of acting based on emotions?

I do have some emergency money set aside in the bank that I only have access to. If i do have to take the hit I do have that to fall back on for a little while but not for long.

Smiley, do you know for a fact that the military will dock his pay if you expose his A?

According to the chaplain I talked to his rank would go down by 1 or 2 which is a decrease in salary, and as punishment his pay would be cut in half by for 2 months. This is by command discretion however. Could be more or less.

Wow, you get punished for HIS actions still.

Why don't they just lock your husband and her husband in a room together and let them have a man to man discussion.

I like Pariah's idea.

I am so sorry you are here, and I know you must feel helpless. I think you are wise to think things through for a couple of days. And make sure you take care of yourself too. Do you have people there to support you and help out when your baby comes?

I have come to the conclusion that I will go down their facebook friends list and expose. Think that this is too much? I am about to start with his but again maybe I should wait a couple of days...be sure I know what the consequences are.

His parents are set up to come end of April,and my MIL will stay for a period of 2-3 weeks. I am trying to find some back up sitters. Most likely will be experiencing this birth alone if I do not find a free doula in time (military offers free doula services for those whose spouses are deployed at time of birth)

What did he do last time?

Have you considered contacting OW husband?

smileygurl, I am so sorry for your situation. But am relieved you found out the truth. Instead of worrying about this, I would worry about more about DIVORCE. On your current path you are headed for divorce. Ask yourself how much you will get when he divorces you?

Because unless you do everything in your power to bust up this affair, that is exactly where you are headed. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping his secret from his commander - which is the MOST IMPACTFUL exposure you can do - is to ENABLE the affair. If the commander knew of the affair, he could take action to end it.

smileygurl, I realize you have some serious problems here but keeping it secret will make the problem WORSE. Your BEST CHANCE at saving your marriage is to bust up this affair. And hon, you need to do this very soon and do it very strategically so you will be killing the affair with an UZI. Anything less will be just enough to tick enough your husband and push him closer to his OW. The longer the affair goes on, the closer he gets to the OW and the more likely he will get her pregnant.

The way to recover your marriage is to do an exposure that is powerful enough to kill the affair. Anything less will just piss off your H and push him away more. Do this right, smilygurl. We have had numerous army wives and husbands whose spouses affairs were KILLED DEAD by their commander. The COMMANDER is the key, sg. Start there and the hit the families, close friends and OW's facebook and her parents.

You don't have the luxury of doing this half way, my friend.

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Ok, the affair WILL CONTINUE if you don't tell the commander. Take that to the bank right now. There will be NOTHING STOPPING THE AFFAIR OTHERWISE. Nothing. If you are not prepared financially to go a month without pay [which I seriously doubt the commander will do because you have all those kids and are pregnant!] then you need to get the money from all your parents, because you have a mrriage to save. You have KIDS to take care of and don't have the luxury to take half measures. Half measures will avail you nothing.

SG, in every case of exposure to the commander, he has -without exception - been understanding and accommodating to the reporting spouse. In some cases, he didn't even put it in the persons permanent file, but had an off record talk and made him end his affair. The commanders, in every case, made SURE the affair was killed. <------that is what it will take to kill it. You have no one else that can hold your H accountable, not even the chaplain.

smileygurl, Dr Harley has been specializing in saving marriages for 35 years and this is what he says:


entire article here: Exposure

I agree with Mel.

Go to command.

Smiley,

If you want to save your marriage, please go directly to the Command. When you go to them, explain about the financial hardship since it's at their discretion to penalize him with a decrease in his pay. I would also contact the OW's husband if possible.

The only way to stop the affair is to expose it the right way. Facebook isn't the right way. The Command is.

I agree. Your husband basically gave you a big FU when you told him you knew. If you want any chance of saving the marriage, prepare your case for exposure and then go to the command first, immediately followed by full exposure to both your families and your friends.
Your WH has made lots of threats of what he will and won't do for you if you expose, but please understand that as a military man, he does not have a whole lot of control over these things if the Commander says otherwise.

Also, you should be able to easily get information on the OW using the internet and once you have a phone number, you can plug it into certain websites and get the names of the other people at that address. Once you have found her husband's name, make sure you contact him too.

I know that the commander may have to follow some protocol, but its mainly stringent for things like suicide prevention, or sexual assault. This may not constitute for some stringent protocol, and he may be willing to work out a bargain with you. Even if the worst happens, it will still have a better outcome than living with a WH.

I have the OW cell phone number.

I can't exactly expose to the OW husband when I'm not even sure if that is his name. If I do find out the husband's name then yes I will expose to him. I thought I had it but I'm not so sure.

Everyone is tellling me to go to the command on here but everyone here is telling me NOT to go. It's the truth only the kids and I will suffer for his actions, and with him being deployed he does not have the urgent need for money over there. I do know exposure is key but the other half of the truth is his career will suffer (not that it shouldn't or matter to me he should get consequences) AND he is still going to continue contact with his OW. He may get in trouble but they are not going to monitor his calls 24/7 and he will get in touch with her if he chooses to. I know they can issue him a no contact order but in the cases that I do know of personally it didn't matter the WH contacted them anyways.

Please understand that I do WANT to expose to Command - that was my first instinct but the reality is what the reality is.

If I let the dust settle for a couple of days and then call command would that be so bad? At least end of this week...

I'm going to call the chaplain right now and tell him what happened and let him now I am leaning towards calling command and aswk him what the steps are to do so.

Good girl!

Please understand that these are well meaning people but they do not know how to save marriages. Dr Harley DOES know how to save marriages. He is a clinical psychologist and the founder of MArriage Builders. Most of us who are telling you to expose have saved our marriages using these very tactics. We have killed numerous military affairs this way.You will lose your marriage and your H if you have a strategy that is tepid that only serves to ENABLE the affair and protect the affairees from the consequences of their actions.

The WORST that can happen if you do is your H loses some ranking and gets a cut a pay. The WORST that can happen if you don't is a divorce and a pregnant OW. [go read up in the pregnancy forum] You have uch more to lose, SG, if you don't. PLEASE expose this affair to his commander. I say this as someone who is deeply worried for your welfare. This is simply the MOST effective action you can take against his affair.

If his "career" suffers because of his affair it will be because of his actions, not yours. And by protecting him from the consequences of his actions, you help him be a BAD MAN. You enable him to be a sorry husband, father and soldier. You are HARMING him by protecting him so he has no motivation to get better. By keepoing his secret you protect the FOG that allows this affair to go on. Your family can recover from a temp cut in pay, it CAN'T recover from a husband and a father who is a bad man.

We have had numerous affairs killed via an exposure to the commander, and they DO monitor the WS and they typically issue a no contact order.

My fear for you is that you will do a little minor exposure that will not have any impact on the affair, but will be just enough to piss him off. A little exposure won't do the trick, SG. It is the equivalent of bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight. It won't kill the affair, won't lift your husband's fog and will likely lead to the demise of your marriage. It is just enough to piss him off with no return on your investment.