Yea that's true...could be scaring me to not call his command.

Because he knows it will ruin his affair. He needs you to protect him and his girlfriend. They cannot continue their affair without your help.

Isn't OW also military? Can't you go to HER command?

My take on this.

The Chaplain is giving her his take on what will happen to her financially if she exposes to command. And he is giving her his take on what command will likely do and the results of the reality that Chaplain is familiar with. Chaplain is not addressing the issue of saving the marriage. He may not feel competent to address that issue. Chaplain is sharing what he knows about the reality of what happens in the military culture when WH is deployed.

After all, as you accurately say Mel, Chaplains have gone to Dr. Harley for help on saving marriages. I don't read that Chaplain is trying to substitute his judgment for Dr. Harley's. At least he did give her "The book." I do read that both military Chaplains and Dr. Harley are both aware of the very real problems of military marriages and neither have a solution, currently.

And it isn't just military marriages. What about truck drivers, ship crew, railroad workers, traveling salesman (no jokes please), and any other type of chosen work to feed the family where one spouse has to go somewhere else for periods of time? Some can change jobs to be home all the time. Others, like those deployed, are stuck.

Rock and hard place meet and everyone, including the kids, gets crushed in the middle. Yes, smiley is stuck by her own choice.

I am not disagreeing with you Mel, just worried for the kids.

Larry

PS, I hope Dr. Harley is reading this thread in his search for more information on military marriages.

Larry

Yes Larry...It could be that the Chaplain's goal is not to save the marriage but to minimize what he perceives to be the negative consequences / effects to Smiley & the kids. He's not thinking long term though...Sometimes you have to take one step back to move forward.


When I decided enough was enough, and made my call I was SO afraid but I needed my son to understand that there were consequences to my DH's actions. I focused on my son and the kind of man I did NOT want him to be. I dailed the phone.

Thanks again everyone for your input.

Dday was yesterday so please bare with me.

I think Larry is right, the chaplain is giving me his take on what happens financially to the family. his mind set is not on saving the marriage and well this forum is. So I'm sorry that his take and everyone here don't match up.

I do want to take the necessary steps to save my marriage so if I do have to take the financial hit then I will. At least it's not unexpected.

D-day was yesterday....was rational decisons made so quickly after DDay?

I do like the idea of going to the command with substational evidence, also with my financial obligations letting them know I am only a stay at home mom with x many kids and pregnant and my goal is to save my marriage and make a good environment for the solider.

If facebook exposures work so well here then that's the motivation that I need to do so as well. Despite how that makes me "look" like the crazy woman what I'm doing is saving my family so if that's crazy so be it.

I want to take the RIGHT steps here everyone I really do and I'm absorbing a lot of information.

I went back and searched for posts with "deployed" and "deployment" to see what comes up and I've been reading everything. Haven't seen much that is like my situation a lot of them were when the soldier is deployed and the wife messed around.

Turns out that my chaplain couldn't find the OWH in his brigrade, but he will try to verify that. I used her cell phone and did the check up, it came back same first name different last spelling of last name. It gave me an address but it was from a different state maybe it's her parents information. I wonder if there are better ones out there that will give me her husband's information if she has one with her husband.

No I saw in her MSN profile that her husband is in the Army but that information was put up 4 years ago. So could be she isn't even married and he just told me she was so that I would be "more comfortable" but then again he was the one who told me the guys first name....

Chris:


Yes Chris. I thought of what you said as well, as in long term benefits and decided that probably someone else with more experience in the military marriage world would say it for me if that was a good enough thought. I was a bit uncertain, thinking ahead to possible divorce and a clutter of other stuff I couldn't make sense of in my mind.

Smiley has a lot on her plate to think about. I don't envy her job. This is one of those areas where I wish that Dr. Harley was farther down the path of his analysis.

Larry

Yes he is substituting his own opinion and like you pointed out, doesn't know how to save marriages. At the very least, following Dr Harley's advice to expose would likely kill the affair so the marriage can be salvaged when the WS returns from deployment. If the affair is not killed, this is more likely to move to divorce.

And that is the point of this advice. It is in the kids best interest for this marriage to make it. Those kids can survive some temorary financial hardship, they won't fare so well if their parent's marriage ends in divorce. Kids don't remember being broke, they very much DO remember divorce.


You are confusing the issue. The solution that Dr Harley seeks is how to create a ROMANTIC, PASSIONATE relationship while separated. That has nothing to do with salvaging a marriage from an affair while deployed so she at least HAS a marriage to salvage when he gets back. Just because Dr Harley does not know to create intimacy and romance while separated does not mean we throw away the marriage in the meantime and avoid using tried and true tactics to kill an affair.

Larry,

I have the same wish.

SG,

I don't know that you need to discuss the evidence with the Command but have it ready in case they ask. When I used the word "substantive" I was applying it to a detailed list of your family's expenses as they relate to his pay. "Sir / Ma'am, this is what I need to take care of our children on a bi-weekly basis."

Make sure you keep going back to wanting to save your marriage and wanting to provide a stable and loving family environment for your soldier at the end of his deployment.

So the first act of action is a)Exposure from all sides (command and facebook and his most valued friends)
and then Plan A?

This is the beauty of a facebook exposure, smileygurl, it usually is successful in flushing out the parents and the OWH. Facebook is a collection of ones closest friends and family.

In the exposure letter you can ask the respondents to contact the OW's husband and parents and ask them to CALL YOU personally. For example:

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

Dbl post...weird...

Great letter. I honestly would not like my phone number on there however...but I think I will use that.

Plan A is exposure. I will post an outline below. But I would make a list of all your exposure targets and plan it for the same day. For example, with the commanding officer, I would send him an email giving him all the facts and ask him to contact you directly so you can discuss it.

On the same day, email all your facebooks contacts and CALL family members like his parents, your parents, siblings, close friends and anyone else you deem important.

BE SURE AND TELL THEM YOU ARE PREGNANT. This will enrage most people at the OW.

When you call this group, calmly give them the facts and tell them you love your H and are trying to save your marriage. And then ---->real important -------> ask for their advice. If you ask for their advice, they tend to become invested. Ask them to use their influence to persuade your WS to end his affair.

Many exposure targets say "ok, i won't tell anyone!!!" Tell them nonononnono!! That defeats the purpose! Affairs thrive on secrecy! Don't keep it a secret.

When you do the facebook exposures, copy all the contact names in a Word doc because once you start exposing the OW will shut down her page. Expose by going to each person's page and sending them a private message. You can do an announcement too, if you think it will help, but each person needs to get a personal email.

NOW. Listen carefully, SG. Are you listening, hun? It is important that you brace yourself for your H's fury. In addition, you will get emails from nitwits who say stupid things like how mean you are, blah, blah, blah. BLOW THEM OFF. You dont' want or need the approval of CRAPWITS. You will also get supportive, caring emails. Those are the ones that count.

SG, the parents and the OWH have to have way to contact you so the # really needs to be in there.

Smiley


I want to underline that point. Tell them how far along you are pregnant. This was a big part of another thread that was on here a few weeks ago. You know how most women and some men are about a pregnant woman. Use it for all it is worth. I would bet even money that skank has no idea you are pregnant. At least I hope OW doesn't know, because that would make her an even more lower form of life.

Larry

I don't know for sure if it is the parents....like I said the last name is spelled differently from what I know her last name is.

smiley

I am glad you made the decision to go the best route for your effort to save your marriage. That was your decision to make and you have made it.

Congratulations!

Larry