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I am really confused atm. She wants me to still do family things and says the kids need to feel special still.

I feel the only way to get through the hurt and pain is to completly let her go and just be with my kids and when they are with her let them do there own thing.

Am I wrong for feeling this way?

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Well, IDK about doing family things if being around her is too hard for now. What kind of family things is she talking about? I guess to me it would depend on what the "family things" are.
But she is totally right that the kids need to feel special! If the kids want you to be there for family things, maybe you should just suck it up and do it to make them happy...


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
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We'll the upcoming thing was that last year we had planned to take the kids to a water park this summer for the weekend. She thinks we should still go as a family which makes it feel very odd to me as we would be staying in a motel together. I had also reserved a romantic get away for the two of us when I was still trying to work though everything. After she would not end it with OM I cancelled the trip. She thinks we should still go and just take the kids with us.

I totally agree in the fact that the kids should feel special which they are. I'm not referring to something like birthdays or anything or even going out to eat.

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I also find it difficult when WW wants to do things as a family. IMO, because of the sitch, we are no longer a family. Making he kids feel special can be done when you're with them or when she's with them. Doing things as a family can lead the kids with false hope. I know. I see it in mine all the time when we did "family things". Really it was just a way for WW to keep the fantasy going (cake eating).

I've resolved myself to only do those things on very rare occassions like b-days and importatnt holidays but only if the kids ask for it and then I would make it clear that they should understand it doesn't mean much in regard to mom and dad getting back together. There's nothing more a child wants than to see that happen and to continue giving them falso hope is just emotionally destructive to them.


Don't pray for God to guide your footsteps unless you are willing to move your feet


Me BH 55, WW 40, M 12 yrs, 3 Boys 19, 10 & 8.
Separated Sept 08
DDay Dec 08
Plan A Mar 09
Plan B 16 Nov 09
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Speaking as a kid who grew up with divorced parents, you don't need to do things as "a family" to make the kids feel special. Kids will feel special so long as you devote your time and attention to them---whether that is separate or together. If you go on a trip that makes you uncomfortable, then your children will sense that uneasiness in you. It will make for a very non-special trip.

Take your kids on a special trip and then let your wife take them on another special trip. It need not be together.

Last edited by hamster; 03/22/10 03:54 PM.


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Originally Posted By: hamster
Speaking as a kid who grew up with divorced parents, you don't need to do things as "a family" to make the kids feel special. Kids will feel special so long as you devote your time and attention to them---whether that is separate or together. If you go on a trip that makes you uncomfortable, then your children will sense that uneasiness in you. It will make for a very non-special trip.

Take your kids on a special trip and then let your wife take them on another special trip. It need not be together.


The idea of my parents, after their divorce, trying together to take us on a special trip makes me want to vomit. And this is twenty years out.

The memories from before that time are pretty special.

The memories from after that time with the parent who didn't desert the marriage, those are pretty special.

The idea that the faithful parent should've had to pretend to make the guilty parent look good so I'd have a "special" childhood memory? Puke.


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Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
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My stbxH keeps wanting to do "family" things with us. He gets terribly pouty if I decline to go somewhere with him, and his reaction is even more self pitying if I do something without him. I won tickets to see a concert, and I asked my sister to go with me, and he acted so hurt. I don't really know what goes on in his head. Apparently the fact that he lied and cheated, and is now trying to screw me over on the settlement, does not seem enough reason to give him the cold shoulder.

The only thing I'd be tempted to do with him as family is to take our son to Key West for his graduation gift. Son has been wanting that for a long time, and I am sure I can remain civil for the trip. However, if husband continues to cop feels of me like he is doing, he may have REASON to pity himself!


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2399446#Post2399446
FBS- me, 53
FWH-53
Married 34 yrs
DD 27 and 30, DS 19 (disabled)
after 2nd DDay, filed for D Dec 09 (me)
6-6-10 WH moved in with OW
7-3-10 WH returned home
taking recovery one day at a time

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See I am doing a new thing!
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland."
Isaiah 43:18-19
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whitetail-

She said that because of GUILT.

When I caught my WW, she kept saying things like we can be friends, we can do things together with the kids. My answer was NO WE CAN'T.


Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable and remove yourself from the unacceptable.
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Well, I also was a child of divorce. My dad cheated on my mom with her best friend. He has not contacted me since I was 8. Then, my mom remarried, and she cheated on my step father with his best friend. Weird, I know. I have to say now that years have passed and both my mom and stepfather have moved on, family things are awesome. My parents are able to hang out with my siblings and I without any problems. They both attend my sister's feild trips and graduation and band performances and soccer games. Holidays are great. We have family dinners, and watch movies together. The best part is that both my parents are able to enjoy my children together as well. My siblings and I think it's great to have both of them around.
You can still take the kids to the water park together, if you can stand it. Just get seperate rooms. Maybe it's too soon to go on trips like this together. Maybe it would be too painful for you. That's totally understandable. I'm sure someday you will move on and it wont hurt anymore. You will find happiness again. Then, it wont bother you so much to do family things. Like it or not, you're still a family even if you're not married. You have kids together for the rest of your lives. Someday your kids may have step-parents who will also be part of your family. Hopefully you will all be able to find peace for the children's sake. You can make the best of the situation, or the worst, you know?


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
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I know that we will always have the kids in common and that's what makes it hard sometimes. I have endured hell to keep our family together and she keeps my heart on a string. She even want's me to pay congical visits to her after the divorce, I mean WTH. I simply told her No. I can not be part of her life and not be in it. I just wish she would quit messing with my head.

My kids our my reason for living and always have, they know how much we love them and are in no way at fault for what is happening. It is just really hard picturing my life without my kids every day.

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I totally feel the same way about how hard it is having kids in common. If STBXH and I didnt have them, we could just move on and would never have to see or speak to eachother again. Oh how easy that would be!
Dont let her keep your heart on a string. Cut it! Put up walls and protect your heart from her. You have to make the decision in your head that is is really over and that you wont be influenced by her anymore. It's almost like giving up an addiction. The only time you really have to see or speak to her is when it comes to the kids. Other than that, tell her to keep to herself. You both need to realize you will always be common allies for your kids, but you dont need to be best friends.
As far as your trips go, I wouldn't take her along on that "romantic getaway" you had planned. She doesnt deserve it, even if you take the kids along. But dont cancel the waterpark trip. The kids will be so disappointed.


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
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I agree that you don't have to do things as a family. It is important, though, to show the kids that you are both still cordial to each other. It would be great to do major holidays and bdays together, which sounds like you are.

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What really is making it hard right now is that we have to cohabitate as neither of us have a place to go. After months of only effort by myself I told her I could not be content with her still talking to the OM and expect me to keep my heart and mind open. Now she tells me I am cold and indifferent towards her as if I act like we never knew each other. I am guessing this is just another attempt for her to cake eat but it still makes me feel like crap. How do you let someone go when you have to interact with them every day?

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she's definitely cake eating, and using the kids as a way of guilting you into being that aspect of a husband for her.

You need to have separate residences, and only see each other for kids, not including vacations and such.

If this is her way of trying to win you back, she needs to come with another, more honest plan.


Me 38
Divorced 8/09
DS 10,6
DD 4
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Shes not trying to win me back, I tried for months to get her work with me through this and she simply wont. She tells me it's over but she herself wont let me go.

The residence situation is a disaster, none of her family is here and there is no room at my mom's plus no way I'll leave so she can say i deserted them. We bought the house last May and two months later she started the EA followed a month later by the PA. Now where stuck with a house with a crap market. We've been trying to sell the house but no luck so far and neither of us can afford it on our own. I told her to leave however if she does she is taking my daughter with her 7 hours away. I'm getting hosed either way. The lame court system here is not much help either.

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We are going today to sign the seperation agreement and it's really bothering me. I feel like even though she is the one who refuses to work through this to save our marriage and family I am the one who is giving up. I am so lost right now.

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Whitetail, there is a concept in A.A. that may help:

Quote:
Surrender doesn't mean giving up. It means 'stop fighting.'

Put another way, in the face of overwhelming odds, what good is there in committing suicide?

When one is powerless, surrendering is the first step in finding a newer, healthier form of power.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Whitetail, I havent read you whole story...but you are not giving up....It does feel that way but you are not...and lots of times they want the "fake" family so they dont look like the bad guy...and they get to keep their sumthin, sumthin on the side...They are selfish...You are not

She did this, not you...it is perfectly acceptable for you not to do family things together, it is not good for your sanity. I myself would love for me to be able to have family time with my WH and DS, but that does not help me get over my WH. And right now my son needs a mother in good mental health, not one tormented by his fathers need to have a mistress.

I am planning on doing a lifetime Plan B....I have tried to have some friendly contact with WH, but it brings me right back to square one in the pain department....He chose this, not me...If he is so concerned about family time together, then he can give up his OW. Just like your WW.

Please just remember SHE did this, NOT YOU. This cohabiting thing is not good for you either, but you are in a kindof no win sitch with that..I am sorry. My WH wouldnt leave either, but I told him I would leave with our son or he could leave. So he chose to leave, I was "lucky"{if you want to call it luck} in that resort.

Good Luck, you are doin the best you can do in your tough sitch, hang in there. Wish I could help you more.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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We'll we are going about this as civilly as possible, joint legal and physical uncontested. She nor I am trying to take the other. Truth is I want nothing more than my marriage to work and despite her waywardness she never was the type to try to be vengeful or money hungry.

She just kept crying in the lawyers office. She is not trying to blame me or anything she knows she is the one who messed it up but it still kills me to see her cry.

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Whitetail, you're not quitting. You are recognizing a no-win situation which is what you found yourself in. Continuing the marriage would only have enabled her bad behavior.

It does stink to see a STBX in pain. Even when there is no love left, I never enjoy seeing others in pain. The way I look at it there are two kinds of pain in that situation. There's the pain I inflicted on someone, and then there's the pain that is the natural result of their actions. I believe it is wrong to take away the latter. Your STBXW needs to feel the pain in order to grow and learn how to be a better person. We don't grow a lot when we're comfy cozy.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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